Am i right?
-
1st 2 days he's very caring... now back to about the same as last time already... sighz.... well i canot expect too much from him la, cuz his character is lidat....Persuading me back has already made him lost his pride and what more can i ask for?
Definitely he felt irrated cuz for the past few days... i canot control my emotions...very imbalanced..
Whenever he tried to strike a conversation, automatically i will link them to the married woman.. as in he told me that the colleague whom he went to pub with on fri nites, is wooing a lady in his company so openly that even the boss is aware of it. He told me that he advises his fren to stop it if not it will be hard for him to stay long in the company. So, i told him.. Yalor, ur fren should learn from u mah, want to talk, should wait until knock off then tok or sms wat, no need to be do it so obviously.
Wah...ha... he flared up and that's why he told me he cudn't stand the way i m treating him now.. he says that i ve changed completely into another person. And he cried....so we cried together. Now at last he lets me see the whole picture of the story instead of the frame only and i got a better perception of them.. Now i felt silly that i worry too much.
He says he felt stupid that i worry so much abt him and his colleague instead of the gals he got to know from outside.... -
Just wondering hor
How would he react if you found someone outside? -
He will hate me....cuz i betray him.
-
Maybe this is the 1st yr of married life, that's why got such ups and downs in your communication, but it is quite normal, due to changes in your lives. Nevertheless, both of you need to be able to get over whatever obstacle that is preventing you from communicating and understanding each other's needs, and both must also be willing to meet each other's needs, be it emotional needs or security needs. Only with such understanding and willingness can both of you work together to resolve issues. You both need to get through this difficult period for things to work out in the long-term, bec. the days ahead are still long.Originally posted by kiekie:1st 2 days he's very caring... now back to about the same as last time already... sighz.... well i canot expect too much from him la, cuz his character is lidat....Persuading me back has already made him lost his pride and what more can i ask for?
Definitely he felt irrated cuz for the past few days... i canot control my emotions...very imbalanced..
Whenever he tried to strike a conversation, automatically i will link them to the married woman.. as in he told me that the colleague whom he went to pub with on fri nites, is wooing a lady in his company so openly that even the boss is aware of it. He told me that he advises his fren to stop it if not it will be hard for him to stay long in the company. So, i told him.. Yalor, ur fren should learn from u mah, want to talk, should wait until knock off then tok or sms wat, no need to be do it so obviously.
Wah...ha... he flared up and that's why he told me he cudn't stand the way i m treating him now.. he says that i ve changed completely into another person. And he cried....so we cried together. Now at last he lets me see the whole picture of the story instead of the frame only and i got a better perception of them.. Now i felt silly that i worry too much.
He says he felt stupid that i worry so much abt him and his colleague instead of the gals he got to know from outside.... -
Sighz... things are back to the same old days...again. This week is holiday for kids, so i tried to minimise my tutoring. However, when i came home early, he's sleeping the whole night thru.....
I am wondering what else should i do.. Somehow i felt that I am the one who is trying hard in making up for our quarrels instead of him. Mayb I am too calculative.
I even went to shop for his clothes alone after work.....but it was him who asked me to cuz he's tired. Dare to say, i even bought a few pieces of beautiful lingeries which he nv got the chance to see cuz when i come back, he's already asleep...sigz.........what to do?? -
he will hate u if you betray him..
YOu had to forgive him that he betray you...
wahh you are very nice lady..
Haha life is so strange,,, when people lost something then they will panic,,,
Really feel that you have meet the wrong guy..
Maybe faith is strange. -
I m wondering wat cud be on his mind.... I juz found out that he went to a website regarding massaging... I can't help pondering if he had visited any or merely thoughts of them and i wonder how he got to know the website too......
Aiyah, I noe from his frenz.. i bet it is from his colleague.
haiz, i better not make any wild guesses... if not i will be abnormal again. -
Reading what you did...
I cant help but believe you are a total doormat.
You seemed like you cant live without him...clinging like a leech.
He knows how to manupilate you and is backing to his swing ways. Although he will cover his tracks better now.
-
*HUGS*
only when one is about to lose something precious, then only he/she will know how to treasure it.
everybody deserves a second chance.. go for IT!!! but if he ever betrays ur trust again, i think its time u move on and find a better person who wld appreciate u more
cheers ~ -
misty u could be a good mod at AA tooOriginally posted by mistyblue:ease - meaning he feel you had forgiven and not try anymore? or have you made known that you moving back do not mean you are forgiving him but giving him one chance ... its different interpretation that is going to complicate things. Lots of people mis-interprete actions
Your own friends is really your life. He has his friends what.. and you didn't even question him. You mean you are afraid he's not going to trust you with your friends? Then why should you trust him with any friends?
You mean you don't have the freedom to have friends and he should be worried?
I think you think too much. Going out with your Female or Male friends for Coffee or movie is Ok ... if you don't feel good, go in a group. Or attend group functions like this forum outings or ask your friends out .. whatever. You need to get away sometimes and enjoy your life a bit. If he wants to tie you down and suspect you and isolate you ... then I wodner if he understand trust and r/s at all.
BTW, Is the level of communication satisfactory in your r/s. If its not, its also something to work at.
kiekie: to put it bluntly.. u need to get a life.. have ur own frens and own activities once in a while.. freshens up any monotony that might be building up.. it would also tell him that u do not oni have him as ur life.. might wake him up a lil..
u said u sacrificed all ur frens coz of this guy.. dun see him doing the same for u anytime soon.. go get some of them back ba.. it would be good to have someone shopping with u.. for example..
or if u do not wanna look for old frens.. u still have this forum ba.. i believe quite a few peeps would welcome u to outings and any activities with open arms.. but u need to make the first step of actually meeting up ba... try an outing for size lor... 1 coming up ... go chinese garden see big moon
sorry if im like talking in bits and pieces... have not really woken up yet.. but i do hope u get the picture..
stay strong. -
I saw one of my frens at a shopping mall yesterday, such a coincidence. Cuz it has been ages that we last met. She says she cud hardly recognize me as i had slimmed down.... I used to be ard 49-50kg..blah..for my height i will consider myself plump. but now dropped to 45-46kg.....
Yes, i should get my life back.. which i gave unconditionally to one who doesn't realise my existence...
Next wk i will be miting my sec frens for a short gathering.. hope things will turn out well. I told him abt it and he says ok. "Of cuz ok lah.. then wat else should he say?" I mumured to myself. But in my heart, i m so afraid.. that he will seize this opportunity to do something funni again.. wtf -
CuriousOrange,
You may Not buy the reason as to her guy/husband feeling lonely.
But remember, it takes 2 hands to clap. People do feel lonely afterall. If the guy doesn't see her at all, it'd be the same as being single. If companionship is what he wants, the life she's subjected him to is a lonely 1.
We can't all point the finger at him when we haven't heard his story. From what I see here, her "fault" appears to even be a "pampering/sacrifice" for him. Nobody is perfect, I don't think we should be so quick to condemn her bf. I'm sorry if I sound sceptical, but I'm wary of people who give the impression of being too perfect, because I'd been badly burnt by an ex who appeared almost flawless in other people's eyes.
I'm Not saying she's in the wrong, her guy should take the majority of the blame. However, she's Not entirely blameless either. A relationship is about 2 people.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by curiousOrange:Hi Kiekie
First of all, some people in the forum are saying how things could have happened because you are working too much and he is lonely and you pampered him too much. So in their eyes, you are partly at fault.
I donÂ’t buy that sh!t about how lonely and pampered that guy is. ItÂ’s a matter of responsibility and there is no excuse for being irresponsible. A responsible person will not leave you hanging the way he did while he search for other possibilities.
As for yourself, you are going through a self denial stage right now. You are with him physically but you simply donÂ’t love the man anymore.
Why do I say that?
Your man is an unfaithful and insincere person. It is psychologically impossible to be in love with a person who is not sincere. Love and sincerity always come hand in hand so as to speak. Understand that you may still be attracted to certain aspects of his character (eg. maybe he is humorous, maybe he is a pretty boy, etc), but when you throw in the fact that he is not a sincere person and is unfaithful to you, there is no reason for love to exist anymore.
So I was initially puzzled about why you still went back...I continued reading your post and I saw myself looking at someone who still has some lingering feelings because you are:
1) Still in love with the memories (of how well he treated you in the past) and
2) After been with him for so long, it has became a habit to you and right now you canÂ’t seem let go and break away from this habit
There are people who are unwilling to let go as well as people who are unable to let go. You have to realize that in your case, you do have a choice!
You kept saying that you are weak, but when I look at your posts I saw that you actually have a strong character within. You constantly thought of leaving him again because you simply refused to accept the unfairness bestowed upon you. If you choose to use that strength in you, you will realize that there is no reason to willow in self-pity or retain a lost love anymore.
All you need to do now is to muster whatever courage left in you to face your fears. You must begin by believing that you are strong enough to break free from your routine and find a new reason to live.
All those comments you made about how your social life is not broad enough and how your life always revolves around him are excuses for people who are unwilling to let go.
If you push your ability to the limit and make serious effort to improve your life, nothing can stop you from leading a new life without this man. -
Hope u dun mind if i say these. Do u think i ever wanted him to feel that way? as in feeling lonely?? cuz i subjected him to it? I give tuition cuz i tot that since he's always sleeping when he reached hme after work, i might as well continue wif my tuition.Originally posted by FeowFeow:CuriousOrange,
You may Not buy the reason as to her guy/husband feeling lonely.
But remember, it takes 2 hands to clap. People do feel lonely afterall. If the guy doesn't see her at all, it'd be the same as being single. If companionship is what he wants, the life she's subjected him to is a lonely 1.
We can't all point the finger at him when we haven't heard his story. From what I see here, her "fault" appears to even be a "pampering/sacrifice" for him. Nobody is perfect, I don't think we should be so quick to condemn her bf. I'm sorry if I sound sceptical, but I'm wary of people who give the impression of being too perfect, because I'd been badly burnt by an ex who appeared almost flawless in other people's eyes.
I'm Not saying she's in the wrong, her guy should take the majority of the blame. However, she's Not entirely blameless either. A relationship is about 2 people.
FeowFeow
Reasons of why i give tuition
(1) I have been a full time tutor for 6 yrs and now switch to a part time
(2) Got a full time job this yr & still ve alot of students who I cannot let go cuz of their PSLE N some bcuz they r so used to me.
(3) He's always complaining of tired after work and is alwaz sleeping when i reach hme straight after work
(3) To earn extra $, so that our $ won't be so tight
The above justifies all. If i am so keen in merely earning $, i wouldn't have care much. It's not that I wanted to neglect him, making him feel lonely..If i can foresee all these unwanted incidents; i will not have chosen to go for tuition after a tiring day of work every night! I can jolly well shake legs at home!!! Or go out wif frens!!
In fact all the while, I thought I am utilising the time which I used to watch him sleep to give tuition.
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KieKie,
You don't need to justify yourself to me. 1stly, I'm Not condemning you. If you read my last post properly, I said that your husband should take the majority of the blame. But KNOW this: a relationship/marriage is about 2 people. If a marriage breaks down, you will bear some responsibility, No more how small the percentage.
Take Jennifer Aniston's imminent divorce from Brad Pitt, for example. I forgot what her therapist told her, but something along the lines of, although she was only 2% at fault in the marriage, she was still at fault.
We haven't heard your husband's side of the story, & there may have been things we did Not know about. It doesn't help that others are also condemning your husband here & making you feel as if you've Not done anything wrong.
You speak of sacrificing so much for your husband. Sure, you do. But isn't that what a normal woman in love would do? I know I would, & I do make sacrifices. Only those sacrifices are Not plastered all over so that people will know how wonderful I am, etc. Most of all, I don't ask for anything back for the sacrifices I've made.
Anyway KieKie, in short, I definitely feel your husband is wrong to have done what he did. I do NOT condone it. But instead of ranting here, isn't it more constructive to try & get your husband to go through marriage counselling with you? Or to try & get someone your husband is close to, to speak to him? Or perhaps you should stop working so hard & invest more time in the relationship? Isn't that a 2% fault of yours that you may Not be trying hard enough?
FeowFeowOriginally posted by kiekie:Hope u dun mind if i say these. Do u think i ever wanted him to feel that way? as in feeling lonely?? cuz i subjected him to it? I give tuition cuz i tot that since he's always sleeping when he reached hme after work, i might as well continue wif my tuition.
Reasons of why i give tuition
(1) I have been a full time tutor for 6 yrs and now switch to a part time
(2) Got a full time job this yr & still ve alot of students who I cannot let go cuz of their PSLE N some bcuz they r so used to me.
(3) He's always complaining of tired after work and is alwaz sleeping when i reach hme straight after work
(3) To earn extra $, so that our $ won't be so tight
The above justifies all. If i am so keen in merely earning $, i wouldn't have care much. It's not that I wanted to neglect him, making him feel lonely..If i can foresee all these unwanted incidents; i will not have chosen to go for tuition after a tiring day of work every night! I can jolly well shake legs at home!!! Or go out wif frens!!
In fact all the while, I thought I am utilising the time which I used to watch him sleep to give tuition. -
To Feow
I probably did not make myself clear in my previous post. Obviously the poor baby will probably feel lonelyÂ…his emotions is not a choice. I agree with that.But he can choose the manner he dealt with loneliness. And he chose to be irresponsible (I have to admit I despise that about him).
When I point out that he is irresponsible, I'm not trying to judge who should take the blame...it's irrelevant. ItÂ’s just that I donÂ’t believe she is capable of loving someone who is irresponsible and unfaithfulÂ…this is regardless of who started the mess.
My intention is not to pinpoint to kiekie who is at fault because it really doesnÂ’t matter. Maybe you are thinking it matters because if she knows where she did wrong, she can try to savage the relationship and make things workÂ…
But why should she try to savage a relationship when there is no longer trust and sincerity?
Because she still loves him? How can love exist in that kind of environment? Read below to see what I mean.
To Kie kie
Feow is right when she tells you that you donÂ’t need to justify anything.
What happened cannot be undone. He is irresponsible and unfaithful, those are facts. So can you live with that fact and continue to live with him? I said in my earlier post that I donÂ’t believe you love him anymore. Staying in this relationship is going to do you more harm than good.
Look at what you wrote recentlyÂ…
You are sensitive and critical over trivial thingsÂ…
“So, i told him.. Yalor, ur fren should learn from u mah, want to talk, should wait until knock off then tok or sms wat, no need to be do it so obviously. Wah...ha... he flared up and that's why he told me he cudn't stand the way i m treating him now.. he says that i ve changed completely into another person. And he cried....so we cried together.”
You are suspiciousÂ…
“I juz found out that he went to a website regarding massaging... I can't help pondering if he had visited any or merely thoughts of them and i wonder how he got to know the website too”
You feel that you should be at the receiving end now because you have been victimizedÂ…
“I am wondering what else should i do.. Somehow i felt that I am the one who is trying hard in making up for our quarrels instead of him”
There is no trust and sincerity in that relationship anymore. You and him right now is like an accident waiting to happen. No matter how strongly you are attracted to him, love cannot exist in an environment like that.
From the way I look at it, you are just unwilling to let go -
haiz.. till now he's still smsing other girls.. which he lied that he knew them from clubbing.. Actually he knew them from his fren..
He told me he's going mad, feeling like a prisoner cuz everything he feels that he has to report to me..
He says that i ve totally become a stranger and dun trust him anymore. He even ask if i feel very insecure..
So wat does he expect me to be feeling???????????
I ve tot of it. If i ever choose to walk away again, i will still be crawling back to him..... i juz couldn't bear to give up.. Call me "mei gu qi".... but i really can't imagine my life without him.
In fact he did suggest that i should move back home with my parents for a while at least he will not take me for granted all the time and we will be able to find back the lost sparks between us. .........
But i refused to.. cuz i m afraid that he might be doing something again... and how wud my parents feel if i ever move back??
They definitely will question me none stop.
He swear in front of the altar that he will meet me after work every day and then he will send me home.. and he will not stepped out of his house without my permission or watever...
How am i to believe him? If i ever call him and he nv answer, he can pretend to be asleep wat.. Then even if he went out i oso wun noe..
But ever since he complained that he's going berserk due to my questionings... like for instance.. dear, today did u keep in touch wif who n who?? I STOPPED asking......thinking that he will tell me if he did.
Am i trying to deceive myself???
Now everyday, he nv tell me anything abt his contacts wif them and i m afraid to pop put the questions again, cuz i m afraid that he will get agitated. -
If u do not want to go, you will have to face the this problem everyday.
Your husband knows this and he is playing with you.
I understand how you feel. -
whatever you do, think about your kids (if you have). they are innocent.
i believe in forgiving a betrayal of trust to a maximum of three times. after three strikes, he's out. it gives a limit to the damage done to you. maybe you can start implimenting it. -
Sometimes i just dun understand girls.
They knew their relationship is falling apart and yet they are still clinging on, having false hope praying that perhaps god will be so kind to reverse the failing situation.
After reading your threads and replies, you subconciously already determine that: When you need him, he is not around.
You can continue ranting but it wouldnt change him a single bit, even if he ever comes into this forum, he will not even care. Like what i agreed upon experiences, Guys think with their lower half. If he is not with you, then no point savalging the relationship anymore. -
Originally posted by kiekie:haiz.. till now he's still smsing other girls.. which he lied that he knew them from clubbing.. Actually he knew them from his fren..
He told me he's going mad, feeling like a prisoner cuz everything he feels that he has to report to me..
He says that i ve totally become a stranger and dun trust him anymore. He even ask if i feel very insecure..
So wat does he expect me to be feeling???????????
I ve tot of it. If i ever choose to walk away again, i will still be crawling back to him..... i juz couldn't bear to give up.. Call me "mei gu qi".... but i really can't imagine my life without him.
In fact he did suggest that i should move back home with my parents for a while at least he will not take me for granted all the time and we will be able to find back the lost sparks between us. .........
But i refused to.. cuz i m afraid that he might be doing something again... and how wud my parents feel if i ever move back??
They definitely will question me none stop.
He swear in front of the altar that he will meet me after work every day and then he will send me home.. and he will not stepped out of his house without my permission or watever...
How am i to believe him? If i ever call him and he nv answer, he can pretend to be asleep wat.. Then even if he went out i oso wun noe..
But ever since he complained that he's going berserk due to my questionings... like for instance.. dear, today did u keep in touch wif who n who?? I STOPPED asking......thinking that he will tell me if he did.
Am i trying to deceive myself???
Now everyday, he nv tell me anything abt his contacts wif them and i m afraid to pop put the questions again, cuz i m afraid that he will get agitated.
...... -
Your fiancé is like a jackpot machine.
Some years ago, you slotted in the first coin into that machine. You did not win anything obviously.
So you try againÂ…and againÂ…and again.
Over the years, you have invested so much time and effort and hope. The more you invest in that machine, the harder it will be for you to get up and walk away.
So you are thinking you cannot possibly live without it and you certainly donÂ’t want to give up now. The jackpot machine becomes your only hope in your life.
But donÂ’t confuse this addiction with love. ItÂ’s been a while since you last appeared on this forum. It seems like nothing has changedÂ…you are still unhappy, he is unhappy and getting impatient.
There are two things you can do.
Keep giving yourself false hope that you can win something someday.
Alternatively, face reality and accept the easiest option available to you; end all the pain and unhappiness (that BOTH OF YOU are going through) by simply walking away. -
Well today i found out that he actually save some of the girls' name as guys' names in his hp... I m taking a last straw now. If i check from the call list again and he's still lying... I will walk off.
Sadness is not always portrayed on one's faces as they do not wish pple ard them to worry.
If one day i really make up a firm decision to walk off, it doesn't mean i love him any lesser, it is because i m free from getting hurt, from his white lies and torment...
He says i m not the type who say good-bye will wish him well and says that i m the type who will force him to suffer.. He says why not leave some good memories instead of making him hate me. -
Dump the ASSHOLE.
He is a LIAR.
He is playin with you.
Your marriage is based on LIES.
You've done everything u can, now its time to move on.
You CAN live without him.
It is possible.
ANd im not saying run into another man's arms.
I mean, take time, rediscover who you are.
Rekindle friendships.
Do what u love to do.
ANd never ever run back to him. He is a player. ANd his tears are probably FAKE.
You cant have the cake and eat it too you know.
He wants you, and the other women, and his freedom and all.
That is not right.
Stop lying to yourself that he'll change. After 5 years or so do u really think its possible?
If your parents love you, they'll respect your privacy and be on your side.
So, the last people on earth you should be afraid of to confess your heartaches to are your parents.
And lastly, it is not your fault. -
wahahahahaha........sob sob.............................................................. My heart ache....really... I quited my 8 - 5 job and hold on to my tuition as they fetch back more and i tried to re-scheldule my tuition time to come home before 6.30pm to accompany him already. Somehow he did try to change abit but i juz felt that alot of things i m kept in the dark.... Sad................................
Now i m going broke and wat the ?^#!#^$)*%!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will give myself 3 wks time from now on. At least wait till his Bdae over, by that time, i should know the outcome..........
Now the thing is i wanted to truth. I know the truth hurts, but i rather get hurt than to be betrayed by him!!!!
But He's so scared of telling me... cuz he scared he will "yue miao yue hei". and gradually more underlying truths will be revealed.
He dun dare and kept asking me to drop the topic. But i merely wanted the truth and tat's it.
I asked him since u already admitted them, den why r u afraid of revealing all?? So it can stop me from guessing all the time and making assumptions on my own. I rather he tells me on his own than to figure them out myself.... It's even more hurting. And it's not only making him crazy, me too is not behaving normal too!! -
I am wishing from the bottom of my heart that something good can happen in this relationship between you and him. But as things stand right now, I am not optimistic.
Simply because you have too much anger in you to calm down and actually analyze WHY you are actually staying.
A relationship that consists of a “giver” and a “taker” is destined for failure. The “taker” becomes selfish and greedy as time pass by. The “giver” suffers emotional abuse which eventually turns into hatred.
So now that you decide to stayÂ… the only way to make things work is by re-educating HIM AS WELL AS YOURSELF.
Did you do anything like that? No. Instead you opted for a role reversal. You try to be the “taker” now and force him be the “giver” so that he can suffer some emotional abuse that you have gone through. You kept telling yourself that he must prove something to you.
Will this relationship work? Definitely not! As things stand right now, there is still a “giver” and a “taker” in the relationship!
Re-education means learning that both of you deserve to receive as well as give. Both parties in the relationship must learn to treat their partner with respect and sincerity and expects their partner to treat them with respect as well.
Re-education means you must let go of the past and stop playing the "blaming" game. It doesnt matter who should be blamed. The important thing is to learn together.
Re-education is going to take a lot of work since both of you are used to your roles in the relationship Â… which is why I have advised you to take the easiest and least painful option of simply walking away.