WORSE THAN DEATH..
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If you can't take good care of your child now, do you think you can handle being responsible for another human being?
Right now, you need to buck up and handle your own emotions first. -
Dear Male_1978,
Let's put it this way. If I fell in love with a divorcee with a kid (Not likely since I've already found somebody who makes me very happy), it wouldn't matter to me whether he was married before. What would matter was that he placed me above his ex-wifey.
However, I certainly am NOT attracted to men with No backbone. Suffer a setback in life & give up on everything, quitting their job, Not knowing how to take care of their kid.
If you had the guts to fight on despite the pain to give your child the very best, I would've had respect for you.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by male_1978:Guys..
Thanks...i know impt to have job now..but can you imagine..the pain that i am undergoing now..how can i still work?...to learn new things..new colleagues ..but my heart is still bleeding..how to concentrate?..
is it really true that a guy with a kid..even in this era..his chances of finding a gal is almost zero..? -
He middle age mentality..Originally posted by maxcp:if he 27 consider middle age ..... me 40 liao consider oldman ???
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Then I must be geriatric already lorr
And you must be a fossil lorr
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Devil1976:He middle age mentality.. -
ROFL.Originally posted by FeowFeow:Then I must be geriatric already lorr And you must be a fossil lorr
FeowFeow
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Hi fellow forummers,
Thank you all for your valuable comments. It's certainly very valuable for me.
To some who felt that I have no backbone..just quit the job because he fell out of love..without thinking of child etc..I accept this comment. However, I just hope that you will realise one aspect. My job scoep involves doing loads of very sensitive stuff for my Managing Director..and one slight mistake may cause my company millions of dollars..no joke..But please understand my situation. Who doesn't want to continue a job with a rather comfortable pay of 4k+? As one knows..the more you love a person..the more you felt heartbroken when she left..I can pretend to go work, smile at everyone, and grit my teeth and tell myself to strive hard. However, please note that I have the responsibility to my company as well...not just my child. Nobody can possibly go to work..immediately after a breakup..and handle sensitive and important documents as if like any normal day...I simply cant lie to myself this fact..somemore, i cant take leave as an important project is currently going on..I tried to inform my MD about my problems..but he was unsympathetic..what can I do? I don't want to cause my company millions of dollars..no way i cant..so i decided to quit..
Before I quit..i know I wont wallop in self-pity..maybe a couple of day or 1-2weeks?? And I will start to look for another job..not to worry as I have a close buddy who owns a recruitment company..just that I needed a break..
Today..I just went for an interview at a bank..pay is similar and less sensitive..and being 5 day..it allows me to have more quality time for my child..yes..the excruciating pain is still in my heart..especially when night falls..and I am alone in my room..but I never have the intention to engage in self-pity..Sorry if I pose the question of a divorced man with a child..Only heaven knows how much I love my child..but I hope you also realise that at one point in time..a father too needs companionship..and also hopes she will be a nice mother..to me..my child comes first..always..and I can say it with a clear conscience
Just hope to clear some air..and thank you all for your comments..I appreciate it.
Regards..
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Dear Male_1978,
I believe you may be trying to justify your actions? No matter, it's all in the past. At least you're still active in trying to search for a job.
If you really do place your child as top priority (*raises eyebrows*), then his needs should be placed above yours. Which means much as it pains you, you hafta put your needs for a woman companion aside & make sure the basics towards your child are fulfilled 1st
a roof over your heads & enough to feed your son/daughter.
If you can do that, I applaud your guts. And the strength of your character would be truly admirable.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by male_1978:Hi fellow forummers,
Thank you all for your valuable comments. It's certainly very valuable for me.
To some who felt that I have no backbone..just quit the job because he fell out of love..without thinking of child etc..I accept this comment. However, I just hope that you will realise one aspect. My job scoep involves doing loads of very sensitive stuff for my Managing Director..and one slight mistake may cause my company millions of dollars..no joke..But please understand my situation. Who doesn't want to continue a job with a rather comfortable pay of 4k+? As one knows..the more you love a person..the more you felt heartbroken when she left..I can pretend to go work, smile at everyone, and grit my teeth and tell myself to strive hard. However, please note that I have the responsibility to my company as well...not just my child. Nobody can possibly go to work..immediately after a breakup..and handle sensitive and important documents as if like any normal day...I simply cant lie to myself this fact..somemore, i cant take leave as an important project is currently going on..I tried to inform my MD about my problems..but he was unsympathetic..what can I do? I don't want to cause my company millions of dollars..no way i cant..so i decided to quit..
Before I quit..i know I wont wallop in self-pity..maybe a couple of day or 1-2weeks?? And I will start to look for another job..not to worry as I have a close buddy who owns a recruitment company..just that I needed a break..
Today..I just went for an interview at a bank..pay is similar and less sensitive..and being 5 day..it allows me to have more quality time for my child..yes..the excruciating pain is still in my heart..especially when night falls..and I am alone in my room..but I never have the intention to engage in self-pity..Sorry if I pose the question of a divorced man with a child..Only heaven knows how much I love my child..but I hope you also realise that at one point in time..a father too needs companionship..and also hopes she will be a nice mother..to me..my child comes first..always..and I can say it with a clear conscience
Just hope to clear some air..and thank you all for your comments..I appreciate it.
Regards.. -
Nay... I'm a devil...Originally posted by FeowFeow:Then I must be geriatric already lorr And you must be a fossil lorr
FeowFeow -
Then you're fossiled devil lorr
Afterall, you're 100 years old
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Devil1976:Nay... I'm a devil... -
Yes, love transcends all bounderies!
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hi, i am 40 too.Originally posted by maxcp:if he 27 consider middle age ..... me 40 liao consider oldman ???
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Originally posted by dragg:you are not very 'singaporean', if you get what i mean.
i know wat u mean.
maybe put it this way..
im juz a simple girl leading a simple life ba. -
Hey hey girl,Originally posted by FeowFeow:Dear Male_1978,
I believe you may be trying to justify your actions? No matter, it's all in the past. At least you're still active in trying to search for a job.
If you really do place your child as top priority (*raises eyebrows*), then his needs should be placed above yours. Which means much as it pains you, you hafta put your needs for a woman companion aside & make sure the basics towards your child are fulfilled 1st a roof over your heads & enough to feed your son/daughter.
If you can do that, I applaud your guts. And the strength of your character would be truly admirable.
FeowFeow
Come on. I don't see the need for you to be so critical or rather, phase your sentence in sarcasm as follow:
"If you really do place your child as top priority (*raises eyebrows*), then his needs should be placed above yours."
No doubt you talk with sense and I agree with what you said. But come on, do you have to add the expression "raises eyebrows" in the sentence. It's up to you whether you believe him or not, but standing on his point of view, I don't see a need for him to 'cover up' to justify his actions? What does he gain from it? You mean he is just trying to justify his actions so that people will feel that he got some backbone and then girls will flood to him?
From what I saw from his replies, I personally do not feel that he is in the wrong. He has pointed (1) that his job involves highly sensitive documentation work and any mistakes will cost the company dear; (2) he maintain his stand that he does not wallop in self-pity and is seeking a job and (3) His insistence that it's his child in the first priority.
Let us temporary remove ourselves from the realistic society, remove the sceptism that invade our everyday lives..to give this chap the benefit of the doubt.
People have different levels of what it means by 'worse than death'. A person may view those starving children as "worse than death". A person may view those with terminal disease and suffering from it as "Worse than death". I believe when this chap typed out the subject heading, this was what he actually felt at that point in time..yet..it does not necessary indicates that he has always view a failed relationship as worse than death.
Again Ms Feow Feow, you can still maintain your stand in being sceptical and that this chap is trying to justify his actions. But pleasssse...if you cant agree with him..then be kind enough to remove the sarcasm in your wordings if possible. Anyway, it's up to you..and peace to all.
Not trying to shield this man nor starting a flaming war..it's just my point of view. -
Leave a man no options and you leave him no choice
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It's not her first time.Originally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:Hey hey girl,
Come on. I don't see the need for you to be so critical or rather, phase your sentence in sarcasm as follow:
"If you really do place your child as top priority (*raises eyebrows*), then his needs should be placed above yours."
No doubt you talk with sense and I agree with what you said. But come on, do you have to add the expression "raises eyebrows" in the sentence. It's up to you whether you believe him or not, but standing on his point of view, I don't see a need for him to 'cover up' to justify his actions? What does he gain from it? You mean he is just trying to justify his actions so that people will feel that he got some backbone and then girls will flood to him?
From what I saw from his replies, I personally do not feel that he is in the wrong. He has pointed (1) that his job involves highly sensitive documentation work and any mistakes will cost the company dear; (2) he maintain his stand that he does not wallop in self-pity and is seeking a job and (3) His insistence that it's his child in the first priority.
Let us temporary remove ourselves from the realistic society, remove the sceptism that invade our everyday lives..to give this chap the benefit of the doubt.
People have different levels of what it means by 'worse than death'. A person may view those starving children as "worse than death". A person may view those with terminal disease and suffering from it as "Worse than death". I believe when this chap typed out the subject heading, this was what he actually felt at that point in time..yet..it does not necessary indicates that he has always view a failed relationship as worse than death.
Again Ms Feow Feow, you can still maintain your stand in being sceptical and that this chap is trying to justify his actions. But pleasssse...if you cant agree with him..then be kind enough to remove the sarcasm in your wordings if possible. Anyway, it's up to you..and peace to all.
Not trying to shield this man nor starting a flaming war..it's just my point of view. -
married ??Originally posted by dragg:hi, i am 40 too. -
Just a gentle note to you.Originally posted by male_1978:Hi fellow forummers,
Thank you all for your valuable comments. It's certainly very valuable for me.
To some who felt that I have no backbone..just quit the job because he fell out of love..without thinking of child etc..I accept this comment. However, I just hope that you will realise one aspect. My job scoep involves doing loads of very sensitive stuff for my Managing Director..and one slight mistake may cause my company millions of dollars..no joke..But please understand my situation. Who doesn't want to continue a job with a rather comfortable pay of 4k+? As one knows..the more you love a person..the more you felt heartbroken when she left..I can pretend to go work, smile at everyone, and grit my teeth and tell myself to strive hard. However, please note that I have the responsibility to my company as well...not just my child. Nobody can possibly go to work..immediately after a breakup..and handle sensitive and important documents as if like any normal day...I simply cant lie to myself this fact..somemore, i cant take leave as an important project is currently going on..I tried to inform my MD about my problems..but he was unsympathetic..what can I do? I don't want to cause my company millions of dollars..no way i cant..so i decided to quit..
Before I quit..i know I wont wallop in self-pity..maybe a couple of day or 1-2weeks?? And I will start to look for another job..not to worry as I have a close buddy who owns a recruitment company..just that I needed a break..
Today..I just went for an interview at a bank..pay is similar and less sensitive..and being 5 day..it allows me to have more quality time for my child..yes..the excruciating pain is still in my heart..especially when night falls..and I am alone in my room..but I never have the intention to engage in self-pity..Sorry if I pose the question of a divorced man with a child..Only heaven knows how much I love my child..but I hope you also realise that at one point in time..a father too needs companionship..and also hopes she will be a nice mother..to me..my child comes first..always..and I can say it with a clear conscience
Just hope to clear some air..and thank you all for your comments..I appreciate it.
Regards..
It doesn't matter to a woman with a matured brain whether the guy she love was married and with a kid. Most importantly is how this man continues his responsibility as a father towards the kids even after divorce.
I would say that you quitting your job is really quite rash but to a certain extend I do understand how you feel thou. Put it this way, you've already quit, no point regreting or turning your head back and face it. Most important now for you is to get a job and be a good father to your kiddo. With all that falling in line, sooner or later you'll be able to find someone who can share your life with you.
Another word of advise, do not just seek companion cause that companion might just find another companion other than you. Find someone you love and whom love you and always remember to balance everything out. -
double post
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Hi,
First & foremost, do give yourself THAT BREAK u stated abv n FULLY RELEASE all your negativity, suppressed emotions due to your divorce or any feelings (good / bad)remaining for your ex-wife watsoever..as its clearly left neglected n therefore affecting your work and personal life even after e divorce. And including ur recent break up initiated by ur new gf.
Your mental well-being is at stake N that will include your child as you now have the most noble job of raising a child into a useful adult to society, making sure he/she develops his/her potential to e fullest by nurturung her/him with all e love u can give. The amount of LOVE & ATTENTION & CARE will be e determining factors of whether he/she is going to become an ASSET / LIABILITY to society
From what i see, at this stage whereby you are still able to post your problem on this AA forum, indicates your desire to release ur negativity and this shows u really want & serious in showing the best of urself to ur child. And I can tell u honestly 99% of us here is supporting you n proud of ur courage and strength in taking full custody of e child, and bringing him/her up e best possible way u can (with/without a second wive or companion)
I personally feel you shd seek e answer from e bottom of your heart...r u emotionally healed and stable now? Hv u actually Xperienced all the normal stages (required for complete healing) of losing or breaking up with a loved one throughout these period?
Seems to me you r still stuck in e pain of your divorce (that is your ex-wife), and not the girlfriend who just left you (whether or not its becos of u having a child does NOT really matter to a lady who truly loves you, but it DOES matter to a guy if his girlfriend is a divorced lady with a child.).
1. How long was the interim period between your divorce and the day you got yourself a new girlfriend ?
2. Did you fully Xperience and allowed all the "Pain/Hurt"; "Anguish"; "Denial"; "Acceptance"; "Sorrow" & "Letting Go/Forgiving" after your divorce? (just some examples; will try to post an article on the detailed guide on "Getting over a lost loved, heal yourself, & move on with LIFE")
3. The new relationship (your gf who left u) might possibly b a "REBOUND RELATIONSHIP" which in 100% of most cases, will not sustain for long becos 1 party is actually using this new relationship to numb himself/replay his previously failed relationship.
In your case, I suspect its a "Rebound Relationship" u r hving wif your new gf, and its a good thing she muster up the courage to leave you for the benefits of you both or else it will end up like your 1st divorce..
Mayb u had behaved or reacted in some ways that she might hav felt being a "SUBSTITUTION" or "MIRROR" of your ex-wife? Becos as a healthy woman who yearns for a healthy relationship, she may hv felt smothered by your "excess luggage" n sensed (from ur actions/words) that u hav not accepted/fully Xperience the hurt/pain/guilt/anger (watsoever) of breaking up with your ex-wife.
- NO woman WANTS to take 2nd place / tolerate the EXISTENCE of another woman in her man's heart if she truly loves e man and loves herself too. -
And its totally unfair to her (ur new gf) to take up e your emotional grievances watsoever u are currently harbouring / suppressed towards your ex-wife deep in your heart. All becos you hv not allowed yourself time off (place to heal) to conduct the healing yourself, but instead carried on working (over your limits probably to supppress the emotions) and eventually, I seriously believe you are coming VERY CLOSE to Xperiencing a "Nervous Breakdown" if u do not get help soon.
I think (just wat I feel, NO PREJUDICE advice, k?) there is still 80% chance of you salvaging your recently lost new relationship (your new gf, i mean) and regaining your composure, confidence and tempo back if you give yourself a "HEALING" break, away from your child for a short while if need be. Becos if you do not "HEAL" yourself first and regain your mental well-being, there's a high possibility of passing on your crumpling n depressed state of mind onto your child n damage his/her development for life.
So be Softer n Kinder to yourself..u may be a man but a human too. You shd be damn proud of yourself becos you are RESPONSIBLE enough to take over e custody of your child n loving him/her as much as before even after e divorce which shows that you r a very rational man who is objective and sensible enough to realise that decision to bear a child is a life-time responsibility n nobody/events can reduce your love for your child cos he/she is an individual by himself/herself, not a duplicate/clone of you or your wife.
In summary, I feel that your situation is NOT beyond help..."U HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF 1st". It's easier said than done, true...but do try as u will feel e positive results n mayb after dat you can stand on your own, taking care of your child alone, NOT even needing a companion.
Take a GOOD BREAK / retreat from every1 and all your burdens...leave e care of your child to your parents for e short while u will b away to recover and heal urself. Im sure your parents will be most glad to see you back to your previously normal n confident self..e son they had b4 u married.
A job can be found anytime...its a matter of whether u can compromise for a simplier way of life....smaller apt; less extravagance; more savings; n giving up e previous job status u had to hav time to commit to your child for his/her healthy development.
There's this famous saying of e 3 GREATEST n Most NOBLE jobs in life are
1. Parenting
2. Teaching
3. Healing
So be aware dat you hv gotten your purpose in life, n now is e time for you to take responsibilty n live your purpose as well as you can (with or without a woman)..cos to be able to bring up your child singlehandedly and bring out the full potential of ur child, making him/her an asset (NOT liability) to the society is indeed every parent's hopes and objective.
Stay BRAVE, cOOL-headed and do not care about wat others say ...there will be more pple WHO wil be admiring n praising you for what you have accomplished for being a mother + father to your beloved child successfully. Be a role model for your child, cos its already difficult for him/her to grow up without a mother, but you can make your child feel complete even without a mother...others hv done so.
As for future companionship, i guess it works in e usual way which is "Our True Love Comes By When We Least Expect It"
Start to keep urself occupied and balanced with continuing doing your fav activities, earning a income sufficient for u and ur child, time spent cultivating n nurturing ur child ..
Do SEEK help by doing doing what you feel is BEST for yourself at moment..dont jump into any circumstances you do not feel comfortable..including finding a job after quitting ur previous without healing ur damaged emotional state. Listen to ur inner voice, and simply do what u feel is best for you and every1 else (including your next employer, no point doin a job if u cant concentrate on it becos of some suppressed hurt u shd let go)
Got to go off...n BEST of LUCK..b4 u decide to deteriorate (slip), always keep in mind that u need to be in your best form (mental or physical) in order to nurture your child in e healthiest manner...cos u WILL be e role model for him/her..so be the kind of person u would want ur child to be.
Cheers. -
Dear Chrysalis_Guy,
You have a different interpretation of an action, i.e. raising of eyebrows. My intention was to reinforce a point, the same meaning as pausing to let what I'd said sink in, & Not meant as sarcasm.
If, however, you choose to interpret it as sarcasm, it's your perogative.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:Hey hey girl,
Come on. I don't see the need for you to be so critical or rather, phase your sentence in sarcasm as follow:
"If you really do place your child as top priority (*raises eyebrows*), then his needs should be placed above yours."
No doubt you talk with sense and I agree with what you said. But come on, do you have to add the expression "raises eyebrows" in the sentence. It's up to you whether you believe him or not, but standing on his point of view, I don't see a need for him to 'cover up' to justify his actions? What does he gain from it? You mean he is just trying to justify his actions so that people will feel that he got some backbone and then girls will flood to him?
From what I saw from his replies, I personally do not feel that he is in the wrong. He has pointed (1) that his job involves highly sensitive documentation work and any mistakes will cost the company dear; (2) he maintain his stand that he does not wallop in self-pity and is seeking a job and (3) His insistence that it's his child in the first priority.
Let us temporary remove ourselves from the realistic society, remove the sceptism that invade our everyday lives..to give this chap the benefit of the doubt.
People have different levels of what it means by 'worse than death'. A person may view those starving children as "worse than death". A person may view those with terminal disease and suffering from it as "Worse than death". I believe when this chap typed out the subject heading, this was what he actually felt at that point in time..yet..it does not necessary indicates that he has always view a failed relationship as worse than death.
Again Ms Feow Feow, you can still maintain your stand in being sceptical and that this chap is trying to justify his actions. But pleasssse...if you cant agree with him..then be kind enough to remove the sarcasm in your wordings if possible. Anyway, it's up to you..and peace to all.
Not trying to shield this man nor starting a flaming war..it's just my point of view. -
My replies to a person depends on whether that person is sensible & willing to stand up & be courageous in their fight in life, or wallowing in self pity. In this case, the poster was sensible, but my action was Not interpreted in the way I'd intended.
In your case, the less said the better.
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Steph84:It's not her first time. -
Dear Feow Feow,Originally posted by FeowFeow:Dear Chrysalis_Guy,
You have a different interpretation of an action, i.e. raising of eyebrows. My intention was to reinforce a point, the same meaning as pausing to let what I'd said sink in, & Not meant as sarcasm.
If, however, you choose to interpret it as sarcasm, it's your perogative.
FeowFeow
If your action of raising eyebrows is depicted as what you said, I apologise for my quotation of the word 'sarcasm' then. Just hope that everyone realise that the poster is probably not tryingt o post here and seek 'consolation' from forummers.
I believe at that point he was posting, he just want to release out his pain and immense sadness..(and i believe some posters in aunt agony) felt the same..he must be feeling confused then and maybe trying to seek out answers..which to some others, he was posting something that lacks logic/sensibility. Well, we must realise his actions "at that point in time".
I rest my case. Peace. -
Shall we take a neutral stand on this matter and be kind to this man who is in emotional turmoil please?
Cheers -
Dear Chrysalis_Guy,
Truce noted In any case, I admit I'm very plain-speaking. I don't believe in sugar-coated words. In some cases when the grief is still very new & very raw, I'm alot softer in my tone. But in this case, the guy doesn't HAVE the option of taking his time to look for a job. He's Not only responsible for himself, he's also responsible for his child.
Basically my last post to him softened in tone when he mentioned he's looking for a job. What's most important, is that this person has taken positive steps to better his situation (good for him). If being sugary soft encourages a person to wallow in self pity & Not to take positive steps, then we're Not helping
Let's take a look at the intention behind the post, ok? : )
FeowFeowOriginally posted by Chrysalis_Guy:Dear Feow Feow,
If your action of raising eyebrows is depicted as what you said, I apologise for my quotation of the word 'sarcasm' then. Just hope that everyone realise that the poster is probably not tryingt o post here and seek 'consolation' from forummers.
I believe at that point he was posting, he just want to release out his pain and immense sadness..(and i believe some posters in aunt agony) felt the same..he must be feeling confused then and maybe trying to seek out answers..which to some others, he was posting something that lacks logic/sensibility. Well, we must realise his actions "at that point in time".
I rest my case. Peace.