Is that love?
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Originally posted by galfriend:I was with him for 5 years. Loved him so much during the 5 years. Tried so hard to make it work, but it just didnt work. Finally we couldnt take it , and we called it off.
It has been more than 2.5 years since we parted. I had 2 bfs after that, which didnt work out. but somehow, i feel that there is still this feeling i have for him, this deep feeling, that sometimes i feel severe pain in my heart. I feel that im waiting for him, but im not so sure. Im juz so confused about this feeling.
Is this love? Do i still love him?
If a five years relationship was to happen and got concluded, chances are, the residue of the relationship would linger spiritually for a vast period of time. It depends on how often you unlocked that secret chamber in your inner private space and get in touch with that 'forbidden love' living inside of you.
I fondly recall CloUdiSm written in my earlier days: Love is the spirit while relationship being the body. You may eliminate the body, the spirit still thrives. The reason why we are unable to banish that love is because it is tied with our memories (Negative relationship that causes unhappiness, miseries and sufferings; the 'spirit' often manifest as fear). And because we cannot eradicate our memories, the imprint remains - fear/unconscious love.
Some part of your life still secretly desires him; it may seem that you may appear to have moved along in life, but you never entirely did. Perhaps, it's the subconscious lure of the marital promise that binds you into this unwritten agreement to wait. You may have attempted to date others, but your mind is likely to discredit them, subconsciously, as your potential, marital partners.
Although there may be 'movements' in your life, but you are walking in a circular garden that brings you back to square one. Certainly different time frame, but surely same location.
Let me tell you what you are doing right now; you are observing like an eagle from afar. The eagle may appear apathetic and passive, because the eagle waits to respond to a reaction, like a scurrying rat across the rice field.
You could be waiting for a reaction; this would pretty accurate if he is still single till date. Or if your mind is severely deluded, you could be waiting for him to get married so that that piece of reality will shatter that verbal promise into trillions of broken fragments, before you will tell yourself to move on for real.
But just how long? Just how long are you going to wait? Five years relationship... two-half years roundabout... thirty three now and you are still wondering... waiting and feeling lost.
Love and relationship are two separate entities; you may think that you love him very much, but if the relationship doesn't work out, perhaps we should not force a piece into the puzzle because it just doesn't look pretty that way.
You are still mourning over your lost.
Learn acceptance - because if you continue to feed your past, you are denying yourself having a fulfilling relationship with someone else. Even though you may have a boyfriend, but because you are unable to release that bondage, you will never be truly happy in any love that you pursue.
Cheers -
Who initiated the breakup?Originally posted by galfriend:I was with him for 5 years. Loved him so much during the 5 years. Tried so hard to make it work, but it just didnt work. Finally we couldnt take it , and we called it off.
It has been more than 2.5 years since we parted. I had 2 bfs after that, which didnt work out. but somehow, i feel that there is still this feeling i have for him, this deep feeling, that sometimes i feel severe pain in my heart. I feel that im waiting for him, but im not so sure. Im juz so confused about this feeling.
Is this love? Do i still love him?
Why?
EDITED:
Think you are suffering from the "He's the only ONE for me" syndrome. Sometimes, when it's meant to be, everything will fall into place. You are just confused by something that will not work out. Tell yourself to move on.
When it's over, it's over. The guy must have been turned off and initiated the breakup. Like guys who just got out of a bad r/s, girls should also look for other guys as potential mates as well, instead of wasting time clinging on to lost case.
doko -
I know how you feel. Been there and still miss my first love though the pain is lesser now after so many years.
yes, is what we still having still love? or yi han?
why is there such intense and sharp pain in my heart still?
It's love alright but I think you can understand it better (and what loves you're having) when you draw insights from the Greek language use of love:
Eros Love: Eros refers to the romantic love that has tremendous passion, physical longing, deep intensity, and intimacy.
Ludas Love: Ludas is called game-playing love. It is like the love of a knight for a princess. There are playful interactions here but little intimacy or deep intensity.
Storge Love: Storge exemplifies friendship-based love. There is strong companionship and shared values here but little physical intimacy.
Pragma Love: Pragma, a combination of storge and ludus love, refers to practical or logical love in which someone actively searches for a partner with certain characteristics.
Mania Love: Mania is a combination of eros and ludus love. It is also known as the troubled love. This love has jealousy and dependence (often called co-dependency), great intensity, some intimacy, and many psychological symptoms related to the relationship.
Agape Love: Agape is an unconditional love. It loves when all other types of love quit, and cares when there is no apparent reason to care. This is the love of altruism, of giving without asking anything in return, and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner.
All couples share some of each of these forms of love. However, some individuals and thus, couples, focus more on certain types of love styles and lovers with similar love styles tend to stay together more often than those with differing love styles.
Snap out of differing love styles and seek the one with similar love styles to stay together and be happy, not suffer.
Hope it helps. -
1 more kind of love called couldn't love-
technically those who have it are not human.
-
In a way, im so scared about facing the truth, im so scared about facing my feelings rawly, for i fear that if i do, the willful me will juz run into his arms regardless of right or wrong, good or bad, which i had done umpteen times during the 5 years we were together.Originally posted by Yunhaier: If a five years relationship was to happen and got concluded, chances are, the residue of the relationship would linger spiritually for a vast period of time. It depends on how often you unlocked that secret chamber in your inner private space and get in touch with that 'forbidden love' living inside of you.
Cheers
Which caused me to be hurt from head to toe, emotional scars over and over my body. -
Yes, certain parts of me still desire him. Certain parts of me still angry with him. Certain parts of me still cant bear to leave him. But a really large part of me tells me that we cant be together. You know the song, "Shan Hu Hai", by Jay Chou? Yes, it is love between a bird and a fish... so unforbidden.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Some part of your life still secretly desires him; it may seem that you may appear to have moved along in life, but you never entirely did. Perhaps, it's the subconscious lure of the marital promise that binds you into this unwritten agreement to wait. You may have attempted to date others, but your mind is likely to discredit them, subconsciously, as your potential, marital partners.
Let me tell you what you are doing right now; you are observing like an eagle from afar. The eagle may appear apathetic and passive, because the eagle waits to respond to a reaction, like a scurrying rat across the rice field.
You could be waiting for a reaction; this would pretty accurate if he is still single till date. Or if your mind is severely deluded, you could be waiting for him to get married so that that piece of reality will shatter that verbal promise into trillions of broken fragments, before you will tell yourself to move on for real.
But just how long? Just how long are you going to wait? Five years relationship... two-half years roundabout... thirty three now and you are still wondering... waiting and feeling lost.
Love and relationship are two separate entities; you may think that you love him very much, but if the relationship doesn't work out, perhaps we should not force a piece into the puzzle because it just doesn't look pretty that way.
You are still mourning over your lost.
Learn acceptance - because if you continue to feed your past, you are denying yourself having a fulfilling relationship with someone else. Even though you may have a boyfriend, but because you are unable to release that bondage, you will never be truly happy in any love that you pursue.
Cheers
I want to stop waiting. Perhaps i should, yes i should. But what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? im so afraid and im so confused. yes, what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? you know "25 minutes" by MLTR?
Im sorry if i sound so love sick, so helpless, for im really baring my heart.
Thank you for your insights. -
You still feel pain for your first love? how long has it been? you still single?Originally posted by macjoe:I know how you feel. Been there and still miss my first love though the pain is lesser now after so many years.
It's love alright but I think you can understand it better (and what loves you're having) when you draw insights from the Greek language use of love:
Eros Love: Eros refers to the romantic love that has tremendous passion, physical longing, deep intensity, and intimacy.
Ludas Love: Ludas is called game-playing love. It is like the love of a knight for a princess. There are playful interactions here but little intimacy or deep intensity.
Storge Love: Storge exemplifies friendship-based love. There is strong companionship and shared values here but little physical intimacy.
Pragma Love: Pragma, a combination of storge and ludus love, refers to practical or logical love in which someone actively searches for a partner with certain characteristics.
Mania Love: Mania is a combination of eros and ludus love. It is also known as the troubled love. This love has jealousy and dependence (often called co-dependency), great intensity, some intimacy, and many psychological symptoms related to the relationship.
Agape Love: Agape is an unconditional love. It loves when all other types of love quit, and cares when there is no apparent reason to care. This is the love of altruism, of giving without asking anything in return, and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner.
All couples share some of each of these forms of love. However, some individuals and thus, couples, focus more on certain types of love styles and lovers with similar love styles tend to stay together more often than those with differing love styles.
Snap out of differing love styles and seek the one with similar love styles to stay together and be happy, not suffer.
Hope it helps.
So ideally, we should look for people who focus on the same type of love as we do?
ah.... yes.... stay together and be happy, not suffer. -
If you really loved him so much, then I suggest you don't settle down with other guys because you want to settle down.Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, certain parts of me still desire him. Certain parts of me still angry with him. Certain parts of me still cant bear to leave him. But a really large part of me tells me that we cant be together. You know the song, "Shan Hu Hai", by Jay Chou? Yes, it is love between a bird and a fish... so unforbidden.
I want to stop waiting. Perhaps i should, yes i should. But what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? im so afraid and im so confused. yes, what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? you know "25 minutes" by MLTR?
Im sorry if i sound so love sick, so helpless, for im really baring my heart.
Thank you for your insights.
Let me tell you something, if you break up before, you will breakup again.
Settle down because you really love a guy a lot.
Else, you will be contributing to the increasing statistics of breakup/divorces.
doko -
Originally posted by galfriend:In a way, im so scared about facing the truth, im so scared about facing my feelings rawly, for i fear that if i do, the willful me will juz run into his arms regardless of right or wrong, good or bad, which i had done umpteen times during the 5 years we were together.
Which caused me to be hurt from head to toe, emotional scars over and over my body. I would have guessed it; the meaningless promise and an endless wait, because those are elements of stagnation that deprive us of growth. From here, I would have presume that you and him have undergo several break-patch cycle that probably ends at that final irrevocable break up at the end of five years.
Your relationship was given MORE than one chance to work out. I don't know how much failures would you need before you would understand that some things are never meant to be and when you try to force your way in, the situation becomes ugly.Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, certain parts of me still desire him. Certain parts of me still angry with him. Certain parts of me still cant bear to leave him. But a really large part of me tells me that we cant be together. You know the song, "Shan Hu Hai", by Jay Chou? Yes, it is love between a bird and a fish... so unforbidden.
I want to stop waiting. Perhaps i should, yes i should. But what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? im so afraid and im so confused. yes, what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? you know "25 minutes" by MLTR?
Im sorry if i sound so love sick, so helpless, for im really baring my heart.
Thank you for your insights. You have spent seven and half years wandering in limbo; are you going to up the stake to ten years? Fifteen years? Or more?
Your mind is resisting the fact that you should get on with life. Resolve the bondage by telling yourself: don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Have that critical understanding of 'chen jin yong you' instead of 'tian chang di jiu'.
NEVER presume that the one we feel the most intense for, is the one we love the most because this could jolly well be a karmic relationship on your part, disguising as 'the one you love most'. Of course in a perfect scenario, it would have been logical and easy to say that we should always settle for the one we love most - but how often does this situation occurs? If divorce rate stands at a steady 33.3%, then the phenomenon of settling with someone, other than the ones we love most, would be even higher.
Looking at this situation, if you reckon that the one you love most is him (and abandoned the theory of karmic relationship completely), how confident are you to say that the marriage wouldn't end up in divorce, considering that it couldn't even last through a BGR?
It's not a question of love; it's a question of a woman - yourself.
Your refusal to accept 'that's the end of it' is the root where your pain comes from, it is not where the heart aches. You are not letting go - you are grasping tightly, refusing to release those bondage. Your hands is bleeding because of your grip, not because of love.
You are condoning your own suffering to remain in your soul and multiply maliciously.
***
I had someone I love the most.
But circumstances made it impossible.
I was a mortal then, thinking like what anyone else would think - you had to be with the one you love most.
But circumstances made it impossible.
In the end, I realise that I caused by own suffering because I deny my own personal growth.
I became what I am now because I have been taught to release, not because I was taught to hold on.
We become stronger that way; we forge a closer understanding of what Love means as we are discharged from our emotional baggage.
Learn acceptance.
Cheers -
Originally posted by galfriend:
The words in bold really caught my attention.
No, both of us are still single. i am 33 years old and he is 38. we still go out with our friends as we have a lot of mutual friends. i want to settle down. i have a few very eligible guys courting me, but i feel that i am waiting for him, but i know we are not suitable.
I told him outrightly. he said if one day he wants to settle down, i will be the woman he wants to marry. but, he is not settling down yet.
i am not waiting, thats why i am dating other guys casually, looking for a suitable guy. But will this work? Do i still love him? if i do love him, will this work? if i dont love him, what is this?
Sometimes just few words, but it meant so much.
It's a promise. That's why you are waiting. -
May i ask, what is karmic relationship?Originally posted by Yunhaier:NEVER presume that the one we feel the most intense for, is the one we love the most because this could jolly well be a karmic relationship on your part, disguising as 'the one you love most'. Of course in a perfect scenario, it would have been logical and easy to say that we should always settle for the one we love most - but how often does this situation occurs? If divorce rate stands at a steady 33.3%, then the phenomenon of settling with someone, other than the ones we love most, would be even higher.
Looking at this situation, if you reckon that the one you love most is him (and abandoned the theory of karmic relationship completely), how confident are you to say that the marriage wouldn't end up in divorce, considering that it couldn't even last through a BGR?
Cheers -
In life, you make decisions. One door closes after another.Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, certain parts of me still desire him. Certain parts of me still angry with him. Certain parts of me still cant bear to leave him. But a really large part of me tells me that we cant be together. You know the song, "Shan Hu Hai", by Jay Chou? Yes, it is love between a bird and a fish... so unforbidden.
I want to stop waiting. Perhaps i should, yes i should. But what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? im so afraid and im so confused. yes, what if the moment i stop waiting, he decides he wants to settle down? you know "25 minutes" by MLTR?
Im sorry if i sound so love sick, so helpless, for im really baring my heart.
Thank you for your insights.
Why leave all the doors open just because of one door you hate to close? Waiting, afraid to know what might happen behind it after you've closed it?
My buddy told me something like this... "When you've made a decision, don't look back and think of what could have been... Because it's impossible for you to walk through 2 doors at the same time... Just one door, one life and live through that one...." -
You hit the nail right at the head.Originally posted by Magnus:The words in bold really caught my attention.
Sometimes just few words, but it meant so much.
It's a promise. That's why you are waiting.
If im indeed waiting, that could be one of the key reasons. -
Yes, maybe that is why im so afraid to close that door? maybe i really really really want to see the story till 'the end'?Originally posted by Devil1976:In life, you make decisions. One door closes after another.
Why leave all the doors open just because of one door you hate to close? Waiting, afraid to know what might happen behind it after you've closed it?
My buddy told me something like this... "When you've made a decision, don't look back and think of what could have been... Because it's impossible for you to walk through 2 doors at the same time... Just one door, one life and live through that one...." -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Yes, you make a lot of sense. You have spent seven and half years wandering in limbo; are you going to up the stake to ten years? Fifteen years? Or more?
Your mind is resisting the fact that you should get on with life. Resolve the bondage by telling yourself: don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Have that critical understanding of 'chen jin yong you' instead of 'tian chang di jiu'.
NEVER presume that the one we feel the most intense for, is the one we love the most because this could jolly well be a karmic relationship on your part, disguising as 'the one you love most'. Of course in a perfect scenario, it would have been logical and easy to say that we should always settle for the one we love most - but how often does this situation occurs? If divorce rate stands at a steady 33.3%, then the phenomenon of settling with someone, other than the ones we love most, would be even higher.
Looking at this situation, if you reckon that the one you love most is him (and abandoned the theory of karmic relationship completely), how confident are you to say that the marriage wouldn't end up in divorce, considering that it couldn't even last through a BGR?
It's not a question of love; it's a question of a woman - yourself.
Your refusal to accept 'that's the end of it' is the root where your pain comes from, it is not where the heart aches. You are not letting go - you are grasping tightly, refusing to release those bondage. Your hands is bleeding because of your grip, not because of love.
You are condoning your own suffering to remain in your soul and multiply maliciously.
***
I had someone I love the most.
But circumstances made it impossible.
I was a mortal then, thinking like what anyone else would think - you had to be with the one you love most.
But circumstances made it impossible.
In the end, I realise that I caused by own suffering because I deny my own personal growth.
I became what I am now because I have been taught to release, not because I was taught to hold on.
We become stronger that way; we forge a closer understanding of what Love means as we are discharged from our emotional baggage.
Learn acceptance.
Cheers[/b] -
Cherish - Kool and the Gang.
Arh neh -
Cherish the love we have?Originally posted by M©+square:Cherish - Kool and the Gang.
Arh neh
or
Cherish the life we live? -
Yes. I can still feel it but I feel more the love and longing more intensely than pain over the years. As time went by, the pain became less, the miss-her feeling became more. Back then, it was really hard to get it over. Twenty years since U. Was the happiest but most painful days of my life. She moved on and I thought I did. The after-effects still show up every now and then. Unattached now but will attach when the right love appears.Originally posted by galfriend:You still feel pain for your first love? how long has it been? you still single?
The couple who focus more on certain & similar love styles tend to stay together as lovers blissfully. It's heart-wrenching to fall in love that's mismatched and subsequently suffer sadness and misery. There are lasting couples and lovers out there and I believe the key lies with having similar love styles.So ideally, we should look for people who focus on the same type of love as we do?
If you've not cried, go ahead - you'll feel much better to accept your situation than struggle within.
If music means alot to you and it can speak to (and relief) your heart (and hurt), check out my radio blog:
http://www.radioblogclub.com/fav/0/1332009/0
See that you have a tissue box next to you when you're listening. -
You're missing the point... Might or might not get to see the story till the end still... You might not even like the story...Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, maybe that is why im so afraid to close that door? maybe i really really really want to see the story till 'the end'?
Last but not least... You're not looking at a story... You're looking at a page.. Your story has stopped. Whenever you flip a few pages forward, you just turn back to this page.... -
you mean this page which im staring at, refusing to flip passed, is the last page to the story?Originally posted by Devil1976:You're missing the point... Might or might not get to see the story till the end still... You might not even like the story...
Last but not least... You're not looking at a story... You're looking at a page.. Your story has stopped. Whenever you flip a few pages forward, you just turn back to this page.... -
In your first post, you asked 'Is this love? Do i still love him?'
Eveybody experience love differently.
Maybe by waiting, you felt this is love.
The type of love you look forward to. Fantasy, but appears real & within reach.
Do you still want to wait? 'Time' can be quite cruel.
In fact, he may not remember his 'promise', dun talk about honoring it. -
I do not know if he will honor it, but he did seriously re-mention it lately. Again i stress, i do not know if he is juz stringing me along. And, like wat yun said, we couldnt get past a BGR, i dunno if we can have a happy marriage even if he honors it. But i do not know why im still waiting.Originally posted by Magnus:In your first post, you asked 'Is this love? Do i still love him?'
Eveybody experience love differently.
Maybe by waiting, you felt this is love.
The type of love you look forward to. Fantasy, but appears real & within reach.
Do you still want to wait? 'Time' can be quite cruel.
In fact, he may not remember his 'promise', dun talk about honoring it. -
You are probably waiting for a commitment Ask him for it. Concrete actions, no airy promises. Then you will access.Originally posted by galfriend:I do not know if he will honor it, but he did seriously re-mention it lately. Again i stress, i do not know if he is juz stringing me along. And, like wat yun said, we couldnt get past a BGR, i dunno if we can have a happy marriage even if he honors it. But i do not know why im still waiting. -
Originally posted by galfriend:May i ask, what is karmic relationship? I have an whole entire thesis on it; but in summary, just treat karmic relationship as relationship which bring about heavy/deep lesson/s and usually degenerate a person during that period when the karmic relationship is being led (unlike benefic relationship being harmonious, constructive and creates meaning). Also known as debt relationship.
'...Thou art to me a delicious torment...'
- Karmic relationship
Cheers -
Yun really yi zhen jian xue.