My Wife lied to me..
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:
In other words, this marriage should not have begun in the first place. The woman was already turned off badly by the man before marriage, losing interest in the man badly. He missed her and crawled back to her. He broke up before, he can break again. The bond is weak.
Woah... so fiery in here.
/me sneak in... dropped note and vanished into thin air
*** Your marriage seemed to have began on a wrong footing and this is worsen by the fact that the both of you do not seem to be emotionally prepared and especially maturity is critically missing.
A hasty ROM was announced after a short, violent separation, which was followed by another break up, which was thought to be the end of the relationship. She was pregnant with your child (as stated), and you are probably 'left with little choices' but to continue the marriage.
I regress the timeline - you are likely to be married young (my guess calculation is about 24+)... a relatively young father and husband in fact, in comparison to other Singaporean males here.
I read through this thread carefully and wonder if you may actually realize this: your wife doesn't seemed very pleased with your chauvinist and suspicious nature throughout this relationship (before and after marriage). And you seemed to have issues with the two qualities or at least the manner which you bring your message/idea across communication.
It might be a strong possibility.... that the reason behind wanting a part-time employment could actually be an escapism/avoidance tactic to certain unpleasant, yet unmentioned issues in the house, or namely your relationship. Albeit I do not condone lying, through yunhaier's analysis, it appear that she may have wanting to work with an intention to get away from your love.
You mean all it takes is only 2 months for her to find an interest for promiscuity?
There is already gnawing dissatisfaction in the marriage - the extra-marital affair is just a catalysis to blow things out of proportion, probably out of emotional suppression. You may have confirmed your finding, but I hope you will still read what I may have to say. Let me ask a simple question, which you could have been thinking all day long:
WHY CHEAT?
Why would she cheat?
I read through your posting - your previous break ups were due to serious arguments, not exactly because of infidelity. I must say that the communication style in your relationship (before and after marriage) is horribly unevolved and you also have a strong tint of chauvinism. So you are just dumping the traditional woman's chore to the woman herself?
Together with the lack of affection and appreciation, it's no wonder that the woman will be emotionally frustrated and seek to fill up this gap with something drastic.
Note that I also do not condone cheating, it's just that when things happen, do we go finger pointing and blasting blames at one another? Or do we acknowledge part of this 'blame responsibility' in a cracked marriage? When we talk about the trust factor - you can easily claim that she lied to you and that's distrust, while I can also point that you married her and wondering if the child was indeed yours.
So what will happen if the child turns out to be somebody's flesh and blood? Perhaps some one night stand? [b]What would you do? You think that your child looks a bit like you and you decides that he/she is your child - now... how accurate would that be?
Mistrust existed all over - even the hasty marriage began on dubious grounds, therefore, I don't expect this marriage to be harmonious or smooth flowing.
The act of infidelity may actually be more of a push factor from you than a pull factor from external environment because I don't seriously think that someone can go out there, work a fringing part time work (perhaps that's only few days in a week kind?) and end up in extra-marital affairs. It almost seemed like a 'desperate' measure to do something drastic.
She already has that vulnerability and the desire to free her suppressed emotional condition. I also must add the fact that this suppressed condition may have probably first taken place when she realized that she is pregnant and was left with little choice other than telling you about it and hoping that you would marry her. Even if she was unhappy with you, what choice does she has? To be an unwed single mum?
Bad reason for marriage will beget tumultuous marriage - No relationship can escape the cosmic lesson Love will attempt to teach. Elements and qualities that one has failed to learn in BGR, shall learn in marriage - probably at twice the cost.
P.S: Before you sentence your marriage to death, allow yourself and her a chance to talk like matured adults. Yes, she has cheated on you, but always talk first and judge later. Find out what's wrong and see what options you might have first, before throwing your finale move.
Cheers [/b]
His mistakes: Before the marriage, he was too possessive over her seeing her friends. He was choking her. She can't breathe. They broke up. However, he came back to her again and thought marriage would solve everything. But no, it spilled over from the same breakup. The woman had already lost it before the marriage. It started from there.
The question now is the kids. The kids make the equation more complex. My advice: try to stay as long as possible for the kids' sake.
doko -
sorry man.Originally posted by lostboy1978:Ok , I just got latest new abt my wife affair .WE are OVER.
Thanks for you all. BYE
u seem a good man
just follow what ur heart tells u.
good luck -
Got pictures to prove?Originally posted by lostboy1978:Ok , I just got latest new abt my wife affair .WE are OVER.
Thanks for you all. BYE
*i feeling hurt in the heart now*
Jia You! -
there is still a long way to go man. may god bless youOriginally posted by lostboy1978:Ok , I just got latest new abt my wife affair .WE are OVER.
Thanks for you all. BYE
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If god is really there .......
Anyway, i doubt so.
He was nv there to help the one in need. -
Originally posted by Rustyhong:If god is really there .......
Anyway, i doubt so.
He was nv there to help the one in need.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Ah... teacher has spoken.
Woah... so fiery in here.
/me sneak in... dropped note and vanished into thin air
*** Your marriage seemed to have began on a wrong footing and this is worsen by the fact that the both of you do not seem to be emotionally prepared and especially maturity is critically missing.
A hasty ROM was announced after a short, violent separation, which was followed by another break up, which was thought to be the end of the relationship. She was pregnant with your child (as stated), and you are probably 'left with little choices' but to continue the marriage.
I regress the timeline - you are likely to be married young (my guess calculation is about 24+)... a relatively young father and husband in fact, in comparison to other Singaporean males here.
I read through this thread carefully and wonder if you may actually realize this: your wife doesn't seemed very pleased with your chauvinist and suspicious nature throughout this relationship (before and after marriage). And you seemed to have issues with the two qualities or at least the manner which you bring your message/idea across communication.
It might be a strong possibility.... that the reason behind wanting a part-time employment could actually be an escapism/avoidance tactic to certain unpleasant, yet unmentioned issues in the house, or namely your relationship. Albeit I do not condone lying, through yunhaier's analysis, it appear that she may have wanting to work with an intention to get away from your love.
You mean all it takes is only 2 months for her to find an interest for promiscuity?
There is already gnawing dissatisfaction in the marriage - the extra-marital affair is just a catalysis to blow things out of proportion, probably out of emotional suppression. You may have confirmed your finding, but I hope you will still read what I may have to say. Let me ask a simple question, which you could have been thinking all day long:
WHY CHEAT?
Why would she cheat?
I read through your posting - your previous break ups were due to serious arguments, not exactly because of infidelity. I must say that the communication style in your relationship (before and after marriage) is horribly unevolved and you also have a strong tint of chauvinism. So you are just dumping the traditional woman's chore to the woman herself?
Together with the lack of affection and appreciation, it's no wonder that the woman will be emotionally frustrated and seek to fill up this gap with something drastic.
Note that I also do not condone cheating, it's just that when things happen, do we go finger pointing and blasting blames at one another? Or do we acknowledge part of this 'blame responsibility' in a cracked marriage? When we talk about the trust factor - you can easily claim that she lied to you and that's distrust, while I can also point that you married her and wondering if the child was indeed yours.
So what will happen if the child turns out to be somebody's flesh and blood? Perhaps some one night stand? [b]What would you do? You think that your child looks a bit like you and you decides that he/she is your child - now... how accurate would that be?
Mistrust existed all over - even the hasty marriage began on dubious grounds, therefore, I don't expect this marriage to be harmonious or smooth flowing.
The act of infidelity may actually be more of a push factor from you than a pull factor from external environment because I don't seriously think that someone can go out there, work a fringing part time work (perhaps that's only few days in a week kind?) and end up in extra-marital affairs. It almost seemed like a 'desperate' measure to do something drastic.
She already has that vulnerability and the desire to free her suppressed emotional condition. I also must add the fact that this suppressed condition may have probably first taken place when she realized that she is pregnant and was left with little choice other than telling you about it and hoping that you would marry her. Even if she was unhappy with you, what choice does she has? To be an unwed single mum?
Bad reason for marriage will beget tumultuous marriage - No relationship can escape the cosmic lesson Love will attempt to teach. Elements and qualities that one has failed to learn in BGR, shall learn in marriage - probably at twice the cost.
P.S: Before you sentence your marriage to death, allow yourself and her a chance to talk like matured adults. Yes, she has cheated on you, but always talk first and judge later. Find out what's wrong and see what options you might have first, before throwing your finale move.
Cheers [/b]
I hope lostboy1978 comes back and read this. -
hi guys here,
Seriously i can onli hope that TS will have the things all resolved. I've been thinking abt all these stuff....just how do we judge whether a guy is indeed possessive and suspicious? This is a serious question i'll like to hear some constructive comments on...
To frame the question, i have to state that i believe that true love between a man and woman must and should have a jealous element. In fact exclusiveness is one of the key attributes that makes marriage so special compared to other human relationships.
Secondly, trust must be earned. Trust is grounded upon reasoned faith, and is not blind. Partners who feel loved seldom feel suspicion.
So just to ask, can we have some examples that straddle the line between being possessive/suspicious and being justifiably jealous?
PS> Please, anyone who wants to present the "two-sides-to-an-argument" take note, the guy seems to have a tough time doing his job, keeping the family going and coping with the job stress and fear. He's sacrificing and we do not know if he can fulfill the needs/wants of his wife without losing the job. Why doesn't the suffering of the husband engender similar displays of sacrifice on the part of the wife, elicit empathy from her instead and cause her to dote more on the family??
I can only conclude that character wise, the wife is far more flawed than the husband. The "two-sides" is pretty one-sided actually. -
Originally posted by dokono:In other words, this marriage should not have begun in the first place. The woman was already turned off badly by the man before marriage, losing interest in the man badly. He missed her and crawled back to her. He broke up before, he can break again. The bond is weak.
His mistakes: Before the marriage, he was too possessive over her seeing her friends. He was choking her. She can't breathe. They broke up. However, he came back to her again and thought marriage would solve everything. But no, it spilled over from the same breakup. The woman had already lost it before the marriage. It started from there.
The question now is the kids. The kids make the equation more complex. My advice: try to stay as long as possible for the kids' sake.
doko Actually, it's not always as clear cut and typical of a situation as described in your reply. The woman didn't technically get turned off by him, even before marriage - it was much likely to be clashing communication/personality between two heated adults that causes the burn in their love.
It makes no sense to bear him a second child if she was indeed 'turned off' by him since day one into marriage and before.
Cheers -
Originally posted by skeujin:cloud sea goose in da house!!!
/me stew the skeujin.
Cheers -
I have the same situations before.
Modern life there is a lot of comparing. Marrying young is highly depends on a stable mind to to set it out. From my days at family court, all I can say is now a day this cases are very very common no matter what age married couple are. Worst part laws most of the time cannot fully cover the situations. Example if wife is proven having an affairs she only lost her own maintenance upon divorce. There is a high chance child of the marriage goes to the mother even she was proven having affairs. And to proven this mother cannot fulfill the responsibilities is too difficult. Example the emotions of care towards child have no prove. Sadly our famous "Women Chapter" have proven to be effective against man without holding my against women even if women was proven the heart breaker.
I hope "lostboy1978" is lucky enough to get out the situations strong. It is an painful experiance & involved party usually are inflicting more pain against each other.
Be strong, many people have the same situations like you. Hold your mind cool. The best solutions may not be easy to swollow. Look forward, life is an wide path in front. And I never look back to my ex-marriage. In fact I am much happier with ex-wife & am very very sure ex-wife still is suffering from her "Affairs" experiances.
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hmm...true...I was thinking about it too when the woman borne him a second child.Originally posted by Yunhaier: Actually, it's not always as clear cut and typical of a situation as described in your reply. The woman didn't technically get turned off by him, even before marriage - it was much likely to be clashing communication/personality between two heated adults that causes the burn in their love.
It makes no sense to bear him a second child if she was indeed 'turned off' by him since day one into marriage and before.
Cheers
See, the problem began when the couple already broke up before. One of the reasons was that the man was questioning her seeing her friends some time ago. She was fed up and the two broke up. I see it as a point where the woman is beginning to get turned off by the man's actions. And she remembers it even after marriage. She will carry it into their marriage life. The mistake the man made was asking her to patch back the relationship. It doesn't usually work in real life except for rare cases, because the woman still remembers his stupid mistakes. So it brings it over to the marriage.
And it is possible that giving him a second child might still mean nothing. She could still not love him at much as all the way when they met each other before marriage and they can still have sex. One thing is for sure, the woman does not like him as much as before, in fact, I dare say, very low feelings.
doko -
Things that happened today..
1st i recieved a phone call from my wife friend name y
she told me my wife is cheating on me.
She assured me that they went out that night with another guy name t .
They went to m s n later ,y told me she saw my wife was drunk and t n my wife was hugging .
she said she actually had stop working for the pass 3 weeks.That means she went out clubbing with t all this while.
She said if i dun believe next time my wife ask her out she will inform me.
Then i can catch her red handed
After that i cry the whole afternoon
2ndly,
My wife admit she went out with friends.finally
I ask her who is t n she told me just friend .She asked him out cos she said her female friend 1 2 noe him.
She said she never did anything wrong to me.
But now how to believe her?? Starting she told me she didnt go clubbing now she admit.
She everytime said dun believe me nothing i can do, she also said i rather trust wat Y said then her.
Although i never really tell her abt Y told me all these.
My best friend told me if she can lie to me 1 time , that means 90% she cheating on me already.
She told me her friends are sabotaging her and wanted to break us up.
I really very lost right now.I think i need to wait till fri or sat night then the true will come out.
So now what should i do??
I now thinking of dun contact her for a few days untill she really take action to cheat on me again. -
Should u brother n sister think i should just accept her back.?
Even she really cheat on me before.
If i can spent more time with her maybe go clubbing with her once a week and
make her happy if she come back to me
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i tink the 2 of u shd go for family counselling together.
as much as we here feel yr pain and wana help u as much as we can. this is a forums and we r not professionals trained to handle such situations.
n further more sori to say this bt since wat we hear is oni comming from yr side. its not justified that we giv comments. its best to allow a professional listen out the both of u n advise you on yr steps to recovery.. -
don't confront her again,Originally posted by lostboy1978:Should u brother n sister think i should just accept her back.?
Even she really cheat on me before.
If i can spent more time with her maybe go clubbing with her once a week and
make her happy if she come back to me
but rather do it differently this time
instead of straight away ask her what did she do blah blah blah
you just find a right timing, get your wife to talk to you, tell her you have somethings to discuss with her. (dun shout or demand an answer from her)
you just tell her, the purpose of you wanting to discuss her is because of
1) your kids
2) your relationship with your wife
3) freedom- how much does she needs? just let you know, you give in if it's within the limits
4) trust - can you actually trust her again? (important* : say you want to trust her, it's just that both you and her aren't really communicating and sharing out the problems lately, thus you need to talk to her)
5) the possible damage which your 2 kids have should you and your wife file for a divorce. it's not that simple. the impact will be felt on the kids when they grow up, thus contributing to more single parent families.
6) by separating, you and your wife are not being fillial to your parents and parents-in-laws repsectively. either you are giving false hopes to each other right from the start or you are deceiving both yourselfs and your parents (both you and your wife)
should you file for divorce, the chance of your kids growing up in a happy family will be tarnish, even if you both can remain together, don't let your kids know that you both are not in good terms if not that is also as good as divorcing. I know i might sound a bit contridicting, but if you know what i mean, than it's good.
i hope my comments can help you reach a better decision.
wish you best of luck
my friend -
I kinda agree with the_fallen. I known talk easy, but I think when you marry and have kids, it's no longer just about the two fo you, it is about the kids. I believe that any solution to this must factor in the best situation for the kids. I believe, to that, you are the best judge of that. I know of people who grew up from broken families who turned out to be useful members of society and in fact, treasure their families well because they knew the consequnces of screwing the whole marriage up. What I am saying is that you know your kids best and you know your wife best and of course you know yourself well. Make a decision which would settle it amicably, but at the same time have the best result for your kids.
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I think you should first question why your wife is doing such stuff and ask her to stop because of the kids. Keep your cool and dont get too worked up first. Then u wait a few more months before deciding, Its in human nature to sin what... correct?
You have to ask yr wife why is she doing stuff like this after years of marriage and you can try to win her back by doing nice stuff for her....but if it does not work then i thik the last resort would be a divorce
If you are planning for a divorce, please... please think about the children first. If you read the news, survey results shown that kids who have broke families and stuff turn out to be either academically or socially poor. Children are the poor ones that always get affected in the divorce -
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Take a step back and put yourself in her shoe, do you as her husband give her support emotionally when she needed. You maybe busy at work, sometime she may need your love and care. You may think by earn enough to support the family will be enough, that's a mistake liao. Why other guys can get close to her, becos of $$? She can tell you anything she want to buy, but she won't tell you she need your love and attention. Bro, be romantic abit, sometime woman are just like a little girl. Do you tell her " I love u" after marriage?
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people keep saying to stay together for the kids.. imo, if u and ur missus do not even have feelings for each other, why stay on? separation is even worse.. Divorce her on grounds on adultery... custody will ultimately be yours and you will be paying very minimal maintenance. She has all of herself to bring her to this predicament. She took you for granted the way i see it... and even if she apologise and promises she wouldnt do it, you think she won't?
A new day has come for you...have a close rapport with your children...bring your children overseas sans ur missus....have ur children bond with your parents...it's cruel...yes.. but what she done to you..is much much cruel and sad... -
Hmm...Originally posted by dokono:In other words, this marriage should not have begun in the first place. The woman was already turned off badly by the man before marriage, losing interest in the man badly. He missed her and crawled back to her. He broke up before, he can break again. The bond is weak.
His mistakes: Before the marriage, he was too possessive over her seeing her friends. He was choking her. She can't breathe. They broke up. However, he came back to her again and thought marriage would solve everything. But no, it spilled over from the same breakup. The woman had already lost it before the marriage. It started from there.
The question now is the kids. The kids make the equation more complex. My advice: try to stay as long as possible for the kids' sake.
doko -
Hmm...Originally posted by Honeybunz:Ah... teacher has spoken.
I hope lostboy1978 comes back and read this. -
Hmm..Originally posted by Yunhaier: Actually, it's not always as clear cut and typical of a situation as described in your reply. The woman didn't technically get turned off by him, even before marriage - it was much likely to be clashing communication/personality between two heated adults that causes the burn in their love.
It makes no sense to bear him a second child if she was indeed 'turned off' by him since day one into marriage and before.
Cheers -
x 2. And try to keep your cool for now lostboy1978.Originally posted by skeujin:i tink the 2 of u shd go for family counselling together.
as much as we here feel yr pain and wana help u as much as we can. this is a forums and we r not professionals trained to handle such situations.
n further more sori to say this bt since wat we hear is oni comming from yr side. its not justified that we giv comments. its best to allow a professional listen out the both of u n advise you on yr steps to recovery..
Suggest the above and see what she has got to say about it.
Perhaps with the combination use of what's below.
Somehow I feel lots of vital information are missing from your context. Suggestions have been much made by the other forumites, but all we can really do is just to spectaculate.
Go to the family counselling and try to share more and be open about it...Originally posted by the_fallen:you just tell her, the purpose of you wanting to discuss her is because of
1) your kids
2) your relationship with your wife
3) freedom- how much does she needs? just let you know, you give in if it's within the limits
4) trust - can you actually trust her again? (important* : say you want to trust her, it's just that both you and her aren't really communicating and sharing out the problems lately, thus you need to talk to her)
5) the possible damage which your 2 kids have should you and your wife file for a divorce. it's not that simple. the impact will be felt on the kids when they grow up, thus contributing to more single parent families.
6) by separating, you and your wife are not being fillial to your parents and parents-in-laws repsectively. either you are giving false hopes to each other right from the start or you are deceiving both yourselfs and your parents (both you and your wife)
i hope my comments can help you reach a better decision.
wish you best of luck
my friend