Am i thinking too much?
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Your needs may be very basic, (basic or not is relative actually)
But the thing is somehow you cannot communicate your needs to him effectively, or he is refuses to comply with your requests.
And yet you refuse to to confront him with the issues, preferring instead to play-fight and tease LOL
It's only logical to change tactics when old tactics are not working, right?
So how? No wonder the situation is so LL! -
No - it's not too much to ask for. The problem doesn't lie at your end. It appears there are things going on at his end that make it hard for him to talk openly comfortably when you call. If he's busy, if he's taking lunch with someone, what's so hard in telling you what he's doing at that moment unless he's got a private life that he hasn't/don't dare to tell you. I feel a genuine bf (gf for me) should readily be happy to answer and talk when the phone rings even if he's busy - he just simply needs to answer and tell you (and others around him) how he's and you're doing. What's so difficult with that unless he doesn't want some people (single ladies) around him know he's attached?Originally posted by bee_gal:Yes, i thought such needs are very basic and simple too? I do not expect him to meet me all the time. Infact most of the time, we dun meet, except on weekends, which during some weekends, he also cant make it. I accepted that graciously too.
Is being contactable too much to ask for? Hey, i am not asking him to make sure he answers all my calls you know? I am merely saying, do not miss ALL my calls. Too much to ask for? -
guess you are looking for the negative ones then.Originally posted by bee_gal:Yes, all i need is such simple thing to keep the relationship going during this difficult time. Too much to ask for? or is it not that simple?
Maybe you are right.... maybe -
i did talk to him outrightly about it on tuesday. Not fight though. He said he will ensure he answers the calls by 'tying the phone round his wrist'. But missed call again on wed.Originally posted by choco B:Your needs may be very basic, (basic or not is relative actually)
But the thing is somehow you cannot communicate your needs to him effectively, or he is refuses to comply with your requests.
And yet you refuse to to confront him with the issues, preferring instead to play-fight and tease LOL
It's only logical to change tactics when old tactics are not working, right?
So how? No wonder the situation is so LL! -
What would you think, or how would you feel if you bf/gf never once pick up your call in 3 weeks when you know that he is a person who will die if the use of handphones is banned?Originally posted by choco B:Your needs may be very basic, (basic or not is relative actually)
But the thing is somehow you cannot communicate your needs to him effectively, or he is refuses to comply with your requests.
And yet you refuse to to confront him with the issues, preferring instead to play-fight and tease LOL
It's only logical to change tactics when old tactics are not working, right?
So how? No wonder the situation is so LL!
Reasons are:
battery flat
didnt hear phone ring -
Maybe he just cannot be bothered.
Are you prepared to let this relationship go? -
its almost new year , why dont wait till next year to decide to let go? if that what he says?Originally posted by sillyme:Maybe he just cannot be bothered.
Are you prepared to let this relationship go? -
Trust in a relationship can be built if actions are in accordance to words, if there is visible , real proof in what he says.
Keeping faith in people is important, but it wears out after awhile.
IMO, if I already tried ALL AVENUES to make it work and yet still can't trust , I'd give it up lah.
I can't tell you if you should or should not trust your boyfriend.
However I do know that in a relationship, you have to know how to get your requests across. There a time for joking ,and a time for seriousness.
You've got to find a way to communicate your needs to him clearly and seriously.
If you're sure that he gets it but yet refuses to respect your needs, and you can't accept his reasons for that, and there is no compromise to be reached e.g. nightly calls at 10pm that both of you MUST honour, then dump him!Originally posted by bee_gal:What would you think, or how would you feel if you bf/gf never once pick up your call in 3 weeks when you know that he is a person who will die if the use of handphones is banned?
Reasons are:
battery flat
didnt hear phone ring -
Pardon me for this question, but would there often be sexual involvements?Originally posted by bee_gal:Yes, he flies in every friday or sat morning to spend time with me. and leaves on sunday night. -
If you can tell me that you absolutely dont mind your gf not answering your calls at all, i accept you viewpoints too.Originally posted by Space1999:guess you are looking for the negative ones then. -
Only after we are together, ie not during the first 3 months.Originally posted by Devil1976:Pardon me for this question, but would there often be sexual involvements? -
Let's just put it this way, no one will die at the loss of another.Originally posted by sillyme:Maybe he just cannot be bothered.
Are you prepared to let this relationship go? -
So as Choco B said. After you have tried everything and it still doesn't work out, it's time to move on.
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Bee... I have a feeling why you refuse to really trash it out with him is because of a pride thing lah. You don't want to be the first to lose your cool or act like you're needy, whining, the weaker party, etc. The thing is, if you don't find out what's for real with him, you'll always be guessing and doubting. If you feel you really can't get through to him, maybe you're better off with a guy who's more sensitive. -
I'm not suggesting whether he should be a trustworthy person or not, but from your posts I've read so far... Your insecurity is breeding too fast. This could perhaps be led more on the fact that this is a LDR which you've no confidence in, but nonetheless... Like what Yun has been suggesting, your relationship would probably be heading for a destructive end if not handled different and properly... And even if you choose to tell me those words of "I trust him".. Would you really be able to truly mean what ya say? Not of much doubt at all?Originally posted by bee_gal:Would you please elaborate more?
What do you mean trust issues? And compatibility problem?
and my odds are slim? woud you please elaborate? Thank you...
You've got expectations... The way you supposed and picture how the relationship should be and should work... I'm not saying you're a bug to your partner in a relationship at this point... But you're someone who knows what she wants. And often than not, you're not one who 'begs' for it... Maybe not even to the extent of speaking much about your own expectations..? Might be more passive and wish for your partner to look out for your needs? Be more sensitive (at least to an extent) to you and your feelings?
Correct me if I'm wrong but have ya ever mentioned that your bf's Aries? What's your star sign?
You're both on different grounds now. I would say rather dangerous difference? Your bf's a warrior just out of a battlefield. While for you, it's just the beginning. Notice that the reason why your bf had previously spent so much time courting you is probably quite equivalent to how much effort he's willing to put in for you. What you're experiencing can often be quite a normal phase after a courtship. Also described by Yun as the 'flame which can't go on burning furiously'. You'll probably feel a lesser need on the 'lag' between courtship and the 'honeymoon' because it has been quite 'effortless' for you during the courtship period (you being the receiver and your bf the giver). You'll probably feel a higher need to shorten the 'lag' because...
1. You have all along been 'pampered'.
2. You're on LDR. (Hence a higher level of insecurity)
3. You've got your own expectations.
You're probably feeling not so treasured now.
Compatibility problems arises when you're probably on the higher end of expectations and 'maintenance', while your bf's less likely to keep up to your end. Even worse if he's really an Aries. Time is not likely to be on your side.
Things MIGHT just work out if he really manages to be more stably posted in Singapore next year. But still, your relationship would still have to take more wounds before that might even happen? This is also minus the fact of his own problems facing in life, at work and his own personal feelings of whatever might be happening to this relationship at this point and various points of it.
So it's really not that difficult to see that your odds are not high. But if you're really keen and is willing to strive for it. It'll take 2 hands to clap. -
You've made many correct observations. Highlighted in blue. But in this instance, i have clearly communicated with him my unhappiness.Originally posted by Devil1976:I'm not suggesting whether he should be a trustworthy person or not, but from your posts I've read so far... Your insecurity is breeding too fast. This could perhaps be led more on the fact that this is a LDR which you've no confidence in, but nonetheless... Like what Yun has been suggesting, your relationship would probably be heading for a destructive end if not handled different and properly... And even if you choose to tell me those words of "I trust him".. Would you really be able to truly mean what ya say? Not of much doubt at all?
You've got expectations... The way you supposed and picture how the relationship should be and should work... I'm not saying you're a bug to your partner in a relationship at this point... But you're someone who knows what she wants. And often than not, you're not one who 'begs' for it... Maybe not even to the extent of speaking much about your own expectations..? Might be more passive and wish for your partner to look out for your needs? Be more sensitive (at least to an extent) to you and your feelings?
Correct me if I'm wrong but have ya ever mentioned that your bf's Aries? What's your star sign?
You're both on different grounds now. I would say rather dangerous difference? Your bf's a warrior just out of a battlefield. While for you, it's just the beginning. Notice that the [color=orange]reason why your bf had previously spent so much time courting you is probably quite equivalent to how much effort he's willing to put in for you.[/color] What you're experiencing can often be quite a normal phase after a courtship. Also described by Yun as the 'flame which can't go on burning furiously'. You'll probably feel a lesser need on the 'lag' between courtship and the 'honeymoon' because it has been quite 'effortless' for you during the courtship period (you being the receiver and your bf the giver). You'll probably feel a higher need to shorten the 'lag' because...
1. You have all along been 'pampered'.
2. You're on LDR. (Hence a higher level of insecurity)
3. You've got your own expectations.
You're probably feeling not so treasured now.
Compatibility problems arises when you're probably on the higher end of expectations and 'maintenance', while your bf's less likely to keep up to your end. Even worse if he's really an Aries. Time is not likely to be on your side.
Things MIGHT just work out if he really manages to be more stably posted in Singapore next year. But still, your relationship would still have to take more wounds before that might even happen? This is also minus the fact of his own problems facing in life, at work and his own personal feelings of whatever might be happening to this relationship at this point and various points of it.
So it's really not that difficult to see that your odds are not high. But if you're really keen and is willing to strive for it. It'll take 2 hands to clap.
Yes, he had clearly put in more effort in courting. He has to make efforts to fly in and out every weeken, while i have to reserve my weekends for him. He needs security too, so i try to answer most of his calls. You mention 'reason' for his efforts, what does that mean?
what does it mean by he is a warrior just out of battlefield? and what does this mean "You'll probably feel a lesser need on the 'lag' between courtship and the 'honeymoon' because it has been quite 'effortless' for you during the courtship period (you being the receiver and your bf the giver). You'll probably feel a higher need to shorten the 'lag' "?
he is a scorpio and i geminian. -
After going officially together? I think there number of days of occurence shouldn't be too high as you 2 hardly have chance to meet up?Originally posted by bee_gal:Only after we are together, ie not during the first 3 months.
1st time it happened is immediately after official attachment? Subsequently everytime you 2 meet up? Go much of dating or elsewhere than sex? Proportion? -
well, if you want to quantify it, it would be 3 mths x 2 (sat n sun) x 4 =24 dates at least before we had intimacy? sometime he comes here for long weekends.Originally posted by Devil1976:After going officially together? I think there number of days of occurence shouldn't be too high as you 2 hardly have chance to meet up?
1st time it happened is immediately after official attachment? Subsequently everytime you 2 meet up? Go much of dating or elsewhere than sex? Proportion?
after we are together, yes, we do normal stuff other than that, our hobbies like movies, shopping, feasting, travelling, skiing and long talks.
Proportion?
Normal dating stuff : sex
70%:30% (roughly lah) -
hmm...
i m in an LDR myself and can sorta understand your insecurity...there are times when I felt insecure as well...but what I usually do is I make sure both of us have sufficient communication with one another. Communication is very important for every couple, even more so for a couple who is physically apart from each other.
Usually, we will kinda make an effort to talk to each other for at least 1/2 hour every nite, and when we are at work, there is always MSN as well
So if I am feelin insecure abt sth, I will bring it up and quickly discuss it with my dear. And usually after talking abt it, I will feel better and the insecurity will jsut disappear 
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Not possible for us, office hours he is always on the move nowadays (when the problem starts) and after office hours, busy till uncontactable.Originally posted by rainee:hmm...
i m in an LDR myself and can sorta understand your insecurity...there are times when I felt insecure as well...but what I usually do is I make sure both of us have sufficient communication with one another. Communication is very important for every couple, even more so for a couple who is physically apart from each other.
Usually, we will kinda make an effort to talk to each other for at least 1/2 hour every nite, and when we are at work, there is always MSN as well So if I am feelin insecure abt sth, I will bring it up and quickly discuss it with my dear. And usually after talking abt it, I will feel better and the insecurity will jsut disappear 
would you feel insecure if you your dear do not answer your calls all the times? how to resolve it? -
yes, will definitely feel insecure. Got happened a few times, but he always called back as soon as possible. reason is cos he sometimes has to go meet client or attend lessons, so his hp will be on silent mode. Then when I call he wudnt hear the ring so will only call back when he sees the missed call sign on his phone. Either that or he was showering, eating with his family, etc.Originally posted by bee_gal:would you feel insecure if you your dear do not answer your calls all the times? how to resolve it?
I trust him, so if he calls back and tell me the reason, I wud believe what he said
Trust is also very important in a r/s...and I understand that both of us sometimes have very busy schedule, so some calls mite get missed (I missed some calls too sometimes, but similarly I will make sure I returned the call as soon as possible).
maybe just bring this issue up to him? Said that you will feel worried if he does not call you back. tell him that both of you are in a LDR, so constant communication is important. Ask him if he is willing to make this effort. If he says he is too busy with other matters, then ask him does he really have time and energy to maintain a r/s? -
very good observations, are you a counsellor? seriously.Originally posted by Devil1976:I'm not suggesting whether he should be a trustworthy person or not, but from your posts I've read so far... Your insecurity is breeding too fast. This could perhaps be led more on the fact that this is a LDR which you've no confidence in, but nonetheless... Like what Yun has been suggesting, your relationship would probably be heading for a destructive end if not handled different and properly... And even if you choose to tell me those words of "I trust him".. Would you really be able to truly mean what ya say? Not of much doubt at all?
You've got expectations... The way you supposed and picture how the relationship should be and should work... I'm not saying you're a bug to your partner in a relationship at this point... But you're someone who knows what she wants. And often than not, you're not one who 'begs' for it... Maybe not even to the extent of speaking much about your own expectations..? Might be more passive and wish for your partner to look out for your needs? Be more sensitive (at least to an extent) to you and your feelings?
Correct me if I'm wrong but have ya ever mentioned that your bf's Aries? What's your star sign?
You're both on different grounds now. I would say rather dangerous difference? Your bf's a warrior just out of a battlefield. While for you, it's just the beginning. Notice that the reason why your bf had previously spent so much time courting you is probably quite equivalent to how much effort he's willing to put in for you. What you're experiencing can often be quite a normal phase after a courtship. Also described by Yun as the 'flame which can't go on burning furiously'. You'll probably feel a lesser need on the 'lag' between courtship and the 'honeymoon' because it has been quite 'effortless' for you during the courtship period (you being the receiver and your bf the giver). You'll probably feel a higher need to shorten the 'lag' because...
1. You have all along been 'pampered'.
2. You're on LDR. (Hence a higher level of insecurity)
3. You've got your own expectations.
You're probably feeling not so treasured now.
Compatibility problems arises when you're probably on the higher end of expectations and 'maintenance', while your bf's less likely to keep up to your end. Even worse if he's really an Aries. Time is not likely to be on your side.
Things MIGHT just work out if he really manages to be more stably posted in Singapore next year. But still, your relationship would still have to take more wounds before that might even happen? This is also minus the fact of his own problems facing in life, at work and his own personal feelings of whatever might be happening to this relationship at this point and various points of it.
So it's really not that difficult to see that your odds are not high. But if you're really keen and is willing to strive for it. It'll take 2 hands to clap. -
It takes 2 to clap. On my part, other than silently bear with it and try to be understanding, what should i do to contribute to the relationship?Originally posted by Devil1976:I'm not suggesting whether he should be a trustworthy person or not, but from your posts I've read so far... Your insecurity is breeding too fast. This could perhaps be led more on the fact that this is a LDR which you've no confidence in, but nonetheless... Like what Yun has been suggesting, your relationship would probably be heading for a destructive end if not handled different and properly... And even if you choose to tell me those words of "I trust him".. Would you really be able to truly mean what ya say? Not of much doubt at all?
You've got expectations... The way you supposed and picture how the relationship should be and should work... I'm not saying you're a bug to your partner in a relationship at this point... But you're someone who knows what she wants. And often than not, you're not one who 'begs' for it... Maybe not even to the extent of speaking much about your own expectations..? Might be more passive and wish for your partner to look out for your needs? Be more sensitive (at least to an extent) to you and your feelings?
Correct me if I'm wrong but have ya ever mentioned that your bf's Aries? What's your star sign?
You're both on different grounds now. I would say rather dangerous difference? Your bf's a warrior just out of a battlefield. While for you, it's just the beginning. Notice that the reason why your bf had previously spent so much time courting you is probably quite equivalent to how much effort he's willing to put in for you. What you're experiencing can often be quite a normal phase after a courtship. Also described by Yun as the 'flame which can't go on burning furiously'. You'll probably feel a lesser need on the 'lag' between courtship and the 'honeymoon' because it has been quite 'effortless' for you during the courtship period (you being the receiver and your bf the giver). You'll probably feel a higher need to shorten the 'lag' because...
1. You have all along been 'pampered'.
2. You're on LDR. (Hence a higher level of insecurity)
3. You've got your own expectations.
You're probably feeling not so treasured now.
Compatibility problems arises when you're probably on the higher end of expectations and 'maintenance', while your bf's less likely to keep up to your end. Even worse if he's really an Aries. Time is not likely to be on your side.
Things MIGHT just work out if he really manages to be more stably posted in Singapore next year. But still, your relationship would still have to take more wounds before that might even happen? This is also minus the fact of his own problems facing in life, at work and his own personal feelings of whatever might be happening to this relationship at this point and various points of it.
So it's really not that difficult to see that your odds are not high. But if you're really keen and is willing to strive for it. It'll take 2 hands to clap. -
trust him till next year?just two weeks away and a bit more?Originally posted by bee_gal:It takes 2 to clap. On my part, other than silently bear with it and try to be understanding, what should i do to contribute to the relationship? -
LDR is Devil's forte.Originally posted by pocari_sweat:very good observations, are you a counsellor? seriously.
Cheers