Am i thinking too much?
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Originally posted by bee_gal:Yes, he flies in every friday or sat morning to spend time with me. and leaves on sunday night.
Finally, my event project has concluded (can spare more time replying)
*** This kinda change the whole situation altogether - I would have replied much differently if you did mention it in your first post. At first, I was thinking that this was a non-LDR (after all, you two did dated during weekends) Later, I was under the assumption that your man went overseas for a short period of time, to visit his sister - not understanding that going back home' refers to his home country, which is not Singapore.
(Think must sticky one topic - guidelines in AA)
Having previous bad experience with LDR; I wonder what makes you trend on this feared history again. It seemed to me that you are reluctant to attempt another LDR challenge, but somehow, you ended up leading one? And because you two dated, in person, frequently over the weekends... over three and a half months - you are probably under the illusion that it doesn't seem so much of an LDR... although it's an LDR?
What happen from here is that you began to expect the 'normal expectation' of a relationship from your love, when in fact an LDR is a relationship that should probably have the 'least expectation' compared to a conventional one?
Many have mentioned that it's all normal for a lady to feel and behave that way, which I concur as well because feelings are usually homogenous across masses when classic circumstances are given. But, when we talk about LDR, I reckon that we shouldn't use the same yardstick in expectation as one would find in a conventional relationship.
The reasons are simple - if you accepted an LDR, you got to accept the typical situation of...
I) Not being able to have your love one there for you at crucial moments
II) Time and space distortion.
III) Communication issues
IV) Uncertainty
V) High Risk Fifth Law of CloUdiSm states: Love wraps itself in a package. You cannot accept love and reject 'certain' things - you either take the entire parcel or you choose to deny the entire gift.
Obviously from here, you cannot choose to love him, be in a relationship with him and at the same time, disallow the negative by-product of an LDR as you chose to be in it.
What you can do now is either to tweak your mindset back to your past relationship - the kind of life and expectation you would have when you are leading a four years LDR? Or you could actually pull plug and wait for him to come to Singapore first, before you decide on anything else.
The more you harbour on the trust factor that eats into your insecurity, the more tormented you feel inside of you?
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Yes, i do agree that LDR usually have the risk of the 5 pts highlighted in blue. I also agree that being in a relationship, it is about a package. Finally, my event project has concluded (can spare more time replying)
*** This kinda change the whole situation altogether - I would have replied much differently if you did mention it in your first post. At first, I was thinking that this was a non-LDR (after all, you two did dated during weekends) Later, I was under the assumption that your man went overseas for a short period of time, to visit his sister - not understanding that going back home' refers to his home country, which is not Singapore.
(Think must sticky one topic - guidelines in AA)
Having previous bad experience with LDR; I wonder what makes you trend on this feared history again. It seemed to me that you are reluctant to attempt another LDR challenge, but somehow, you ended up leading one? And because you two dated, in person, frequently over the weekends... over three and a half months - [b]you are probably under the illusion that it doesn't seem so much of an LDR... although it's an LDR?
What happen from here is that you began to expect the 'normal expectation' of a relationship from your love, when in fact an LDR is a relationship that should probably have the 'least expectation' compared to a conventional one?
Many have mentioned that it's all normal for a lady to feel and behave that way, which I concur as well because feelings are usually homogenous across masses when classic circumstances are given. But, when we talk about LDR, I reckon that we shouldn't use the same yardstick in expectation as one would find in a conventional relationship.
The reasons are simple - if you accepted an LDR, you got to accept the typical situation of...
I) Not being able to have your love one there for you at crucial moments
II) Time and space distortion.
III) Communication issues
IV) Uncertainty
V) High Risk Fifth Law of CloUdiSm states: Love wraps itself in a package. You cannot accept love and reject 'certain' things - you either take the entire parcel or you choose to deny the entire gift.
Obviously from here, you cannot choose to love him, be in a relationship with him and at the same time, disallow the negative by-product of an LDR as you chose to be in it.
What you can do now is either to tweak your mindset back to your past relationship - the kind of life and expectation you would have when you are leading a four years LDR? Or you could actually pull plug and wait for him to come to Singapore first, before you decide on anything else.
The more you harbour on the trust factor that eats into your insecurity, the more tormented you feel inside of you?
Cheers[/b]
Having said that, if one is willing to go into a LDR which is characterised by such problems, he/she should bear in mind that such problems exist and make constant effort to soften the impact of such problems, if not find alternative ways to make up for problems (for eg, the lack of presence, like what rainee has mentioned, constant communication), aint it? Otherwise, wouldnt it appear that he/she just want best part of the relationship and not making efforts to overcome the problems that come with it? Wouldnt he/she guilty of not accepting the relationship as a package too?
For eg, myself. i know he is insecured in certain ways. I will always let him know my programs after work, and try not to miss his calls by stringing my phone round my wrist when i am out pubbing.
I do not think i have the normal expectation of a relationship. For eg, i never expect to see him more regular than weekends (which is the understanding of the relationship). I never expect him to be here for me when i was in really bad shape, when i was really troubled. All i ask for from this man, who says he wants to be there for me, to be there for me over the phone. Too much to ask for? Is that something that is unreasonable to expect from a LDR or any relationship?
Btw, i dont have "previous bad experience with LDR", for the record. That relationship didnt breakdown because it is a LDR.
I do agree that the more I harbour on the trust factor that eats into my insecurity, the more tormented i feel inside of me. Like you said, i only have 2 ways:
either to:
a) tweak my mindset (accept it as a whole and just dont think too much of it)
Or
b) actually pull plug.
P/s:
1) last night, he told me he will definitely try to answer my call when i talked to him very seriously about it.
2) btw, he told me he cant make it this weekend again, due to work. Want to show me some proof that he is actually working. I rejected to seeing it. -
I think this is more of a problem of both of you having different expectations from each other. You are willing to make him feel secure by telling him about your whereabouts, but that doesn't mean he is willing to do the same. he might not put you as the first priority, he mite think that some other things in his life are more important at the moment. So for him, it is either you can accept him this way or just move on to another guy who can satisfy your expectations.
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1- have he done it?answering your calls?Originally posted by bee_gal:1) last night, he told me he will definitely try to answer my call when i talked to him very seriously about it.
2) btw, he told me he cant make it this weekend again, due to work. Want to show me some proof that he is actually working. I rejected to seeing it.
2-why you rejected to seeing it? -
1- he just promised me last night.Originally posted by Space1999:1- have he done it?answering your calls?
2-why you rejected to seeing it?
2- too tiring to be in such a relationship. -
so you are dumping him?Originally posted by bee_gal:1- he just promised me last night.
2- too tiring to be in such a relationship. -
If I were you, would treat him as a friend, not a steady. Until he's proven otherwise, then can you step up to go steady. Otherwise, the one who's going to be frustrated and hurt especially during this festive season is you. -
Does it work that way? Demotion from bf to friend? Is he not going to spend the festive season with her?Originally posted by macjoe:If I were you, would treat him as a friend, not a steady. Until he's proven otherwise, then can you step up to go steady. Otherwise, the one who's going to be frustrated and hurt especially during this festive season is you. -
yea, it is very tiring when both parties have different expectations.Originally posted by bee_gal:1- he just promised me last night.
2- too tiring to be in such a relationship. -
Is he working from now till next year?Originally posted by Space1999:so you are dumping him? -
why are you asking me?Originally posted by pocari_sweat:Is he working from now till next year?
Im busy too nowadays. -
hehehe... LOL!Originally posted by Space1999:why are you asking me? Im busy too nowadays.
Now, you made me luff
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really i am so busy now thats why missus went to bali, i was in the same situation as your bf but luckily my wife/then gf understands and occupied herself with friends/hobbies(meaning spas/shopping/self pampering) because she knows im working hard for our(actually her) future.That way i was able to perform better in my work and actually finished it faster because she gave me peace of mind.Originally posted by bee_gal:hehehe... LOL!
Now, you made me luff
Mind you , there was a period i was in Dubai for 3 months. I missed christmas, new year and valentine day. It was torture for me but she was the one who gave me the comfort and peace of mind. We coped by talking every night for an hour or so. What made me choose her was her maturity and understanding. It meant a lot to me.
But different couple, different expectations. My world is her but in the real world i still need moolah. Hence we have real expectations. -
He just told me he cant come this weekend. and asked me if i am angry, i said no, and he sent me 2 long emails about how important i am but how he has to be committed to his work.
i replied him this:
"honestly, your not answering my calls all the time and not taking my complaints seriously, have bred lots of insecurity in me. It has made me so unhappy. I understand that you cant be here. You go concentrate on your work, and me on my work and life. Meanwhile, let me manage my emotions. We talk on Monday." -
Save both parties from this agony, if you self reflect and you think you cannot handle such a relationship - pull the plug now before it gets any deeper.
If you can and you want to go on - endure and ride it out.
I guess you think there are better guys out there for you. Well maybe there are but sometimes patience and care will get you the "real one".
Corny it may seems, it maybe part of a test to the final destination. Or simply you willed it to fail or end. -
Haha if i get such an email from my wife, im pretty sure i cannot concentrate on my work. Its such a burden for me.Originally posted by bee_gal:He just told me he cant come this weekend. and asked me if i am angry, i said no, and he sent me 2 long emails about how important i am but how he has to be committed to his work.
i replied him this:
"honestly, your not answering my calls all the time and not taking my complaints seriously, have bred lots of insecurity in me. It has made me so unhappy. I understand that you cant be here. You go concentrate on your work, and me on my work and life. Meanwhile, let me manage my emotions. We talk on Monday."
Anyway the opinions you are getting here differs from party to party. Those who have positive experience will tell you positive things but those who have negative experience will tell you negative things. Just take and adapt to how you feel. Mine is a ldr too in the past. So i am best equipped to tell you and its extremely ldr!!
Takes lots of patience and trust , but trust me its worth it in the end if you stick to it.
but its like running a marathon. -
i can try to endure it and will it out, but i need cooperation from the man. Apparently, he is not very cooperative, otherwise, we wouldnt even be having this problem.Originally posted by pocari_sweat:Save both parties from this agony, if you self reflect and you think you cannot handle such a relationship - pull the plug now before it gets any deeper.
If you can and you want to go on - endure and ride it out.
I guess you think there are better guys out there for you. Well maybe there are but sometimes patience and care will get you the "real one".
Corny it may seems, it maybe part of a test to the final destination. Or simply you willed it to fail or end.
It takes 2 hands to clap. -
How would you know it is worth it when you dun even know my bf?Originally posted by Space1999:Haha if i get such an email from my wife, im pretty sure i cannot concentrate on my work. Its such a burden for me.
Anyway the opinions you are getting here differs from party to party. Those who have positive experience will tell you positive things but those who have negative experience will tell you negative things. Just take and adapt to how you feel. Mine is a ldr too in the past. So i am best equipped to tell you and its extremely ldr!!
Takes lots of patience and trust , but trust me its worth it in the end if you stick to it.
but its like running a marathon. -
They are very dumb species when they are in love - either teach them or dump themOriginally posted by bee_gal:i can try to endure it and will it out, but i need cooperation from the man. Apparently, he is not very cooperative, otherwise, we wouldnt even be having this problem.
It takes 2 hands to clap. -
Didnt teach enuff? simple instructions like "Please answer my phones and try not to miss every single one of them", hard to understand?Originally posted by pocari_sweat:They are very dumb species when they are in love - either teach them or dump them -
lolz dun tink he will be able to concentrateOriginally posted by bee_gal:He just told me he cant come this weekend. and asked me if i am angry, i said no, and he sent me 2 long emails about how important i am but how he has to be committed to his work.
i replied him this:
"honestly, your not answering my calls all the time and not taking my complaints seriously, have bred lots of insecurity in me. It has made me so unhappy. I understand that you cant be here. You go concentrate on your work, and me on my work and life. Meanwhile, let me manage my emotions. We talk on Monday."
and he has already sent u two long emails to assure you, wat more do you want?
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you are a guy right?Originally posted by pocari_sweat:They are very dumb species when they are in love - either teach them or dump them -
[no
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Words words and words. Words are cheap.Originally posted by rainee:lolz dun tink he will be able to concentrate
and he has already sent u two long emails to assure you, wat more do you want?
I am so tired of hearing words. -
Originally posted by pocari_sweat:[no
