Love has no reason?
-
hmmm... are you guys official yet??Originally posted by kuri:him despite being so tired from work n having to wake up tmr early morning decided to log in msn 30 mins ago just to check if i m asleep. when he realise i m online asked me if i m chatting with other guys i said no he started making some accusation n we had a tiff. i feel so hurt. cant sleep. why is he so suspicious bout me. just because i met up a guy frd today for talk crap session at mac's? i did tell him bout that appointment earlier on le n even called him straight after that wat does he want? besides he had known bout my socialable ways from the start.. i m not his gf even bet he'd freak if i mentioned that in the tiff we just had.. n i tot i m the insecure one but these few days he has been getting so paranoid bout my behaviour.. seriously dunno how long can this carry on...
sounds like with or without the title, you are in a relationship.... -
Gosh he sounds so much like my ex!!!Originally posted by kuri:he had 2 gfs before..the last one was with him for about 7 years.i know she used to live with him for how long i m not sure.he said the last 2 years of the relationship she hurt him a lot, went out with guys behind his back slept with 2 guys and came back asking for forgiveness.
i told him who i'm meeting for what le didn't hide anything from him cos i didn't want him to have the nagging fear of "she's doing something behind my back" when i go out with friends. the contradicting thing is that he did tell me i'm free to go out with other guys cos we are not yet an item and he wants me to find out want what i want or who i want first before getting together with him yet he's really paranoid bout my behaviour.. say things like why i m torturing him and that i like to see him in pain ytd nite the manner he spoke to me drove me to tears...n he was okie when i talked to him earlier ytd night dunno what got into him in just a few hours.
-
x2Originally posted by smudgey:hmmm... are you guys official yet??
sounds like with or without the title, you are in a relationship.... -
maybe it is TS' earlier tantrum thrown at him plus all these that results in him saying this?Originally posted by smudgey:Gosh he sounds so much like my ex!!! -
Looks like you are not the only one with insecurity issues.Originally posted by kuri:he had 2 gfs before..the last one was with him for about 7 years.i know she used to live with him for how long i m not sure.he said the last 2 years of the relationship she hurt him a lot, went out with guys behind his back slept with 2 guys and came back asking for forgiveness.
i told him who i'm meeting for what le didn't hide anything from him cos i didn't want him to have the nagging fear of "she's doing something behind my back" when i go out with friends. the contradicting thing is that he did tell me i'm free to go out with other guys cos we are not yet an item and he wants me to find out want what i want or who i want first before getting together with him yet he's really paranoid bout my behaviour.. say things like why i m torturing him and that i like to see him in pain ytd nite the manner he spoke to me drove me to tears...n he was okie when i talked to him earlier ytd night dunno what got into him in just a few hours.
You'll need to put in alot of effort to build the trust. -
but then if that is the case, wow.... after 7 years. his ex slept with 2 guys and stuff? If i am that guy, honestly, I have no idea when i would trust women again.Originally posted by kuri:he had 2 gfs before..the last one was with him for about 7 years.i know she used to live with him for how long i m not sure.he said the last 2 years of the relationship she hurt him a lot, went out with guys behind his back slept with 2 guys and came back asking for forgiveness.
i told him who i'm meeting for what le didn't hide anything from him cos i didn't want him to have the nagging fear of "she's doing something behind my back" when i go out with friends. the contradicting thing is that he did tell me i'm free to go out with other guys cos we are not yet an item and he wants me to find out want what i want or who i want first before getting together with him yet he's really paranoid bout my behaviour.. say things like why i m torturing him and that i like to see him in pain ytd nite the manner he spoke to me drove me to tears...n he was okie when i talked to him earlier ytd night dunno what got into him in just a few hours.
Its difficult.
But the guy is also too fast? Its only a month, not offical and he is worrying so much already. Think Kuri would really has to give lots of assurance to this guy. If I am him, I would be very worried that history would be repeating itself also...
maybe Kuri can make it clear to that guy that he can never interfere with you going out with other friends, be it guys or girls, but on your part, keep reassuring him that nothing is going on behind him. And be very honest and open with him. -
Kuri....
Sounds like you are in a very messy deal hereÂ….
Am I right to say :
1. You are not too sure of your own feelings, not sure if you are completely over your ex.
2. You like this guy and are afraid if you asked for a timeout, heÂ’ll disappear?
3. your status with him is now a little messy, Officially, you two are just friends, but emotionally and maybe physically(I mean things like holding hands, etc.) you two are bf/gf
4. Given his history, he is also afraid that while you are holding back, someone else would come and sweep you off your feet, and take you away from him.
If the above is somewhat true,
The most important issues are number 1 & 4.
To solve number 1, in my opinion, a timeout is essentialÂ…
As in to be on your own, and figure out your own feelingsÂ… not going to meet him, and minimum contact.
That is until you know for sure where you stand emotionally.
To do this and solve number 4,
You’ll need to have a heart to heart talk with him… Telling him, for example, “yes, I like you.” “yes, I want to be with you” “but, I am not sure of where I stand emotionally” “I want to start this relationship only when I am Certain, of my emotions” “I need time to think things through.”
Be transparent with him, let him know how important he is to you, and you just need time.
However, whether he will wait for you, or heÂ’ll disappear from your life, is still a risk. No one can predict the future. He might be willing to wait for youÂ…. He might notÂ…
In my opinion, ItÂ’s a risk youÂ’ll have to take.
P.S. Given this guy's history, chances are he'll be pretty possesive and easily jealoused.... can't blame him.... after wat he's been through,
but can you tolerate that? -
Agree. Can you accept a relationship with less freedom?Originally posted by smudgey:Kuri....
Sounds like you are in a very messy deal hereÂ….
Am I right to say :
1. You are not too sure of your own feelings, not sure if you are completely over your ex.
2. You like this guy and are afraid if you asked for a timeout, heÂ’ll disappear?
3. your status with him is now a little messy, Officially, you two are just friends, but emotionally and maybe physically(I mean things like holding hands, etc.) you two are bf/gf
4. Given his history, he is also afraid that while you are holding back, someone else would come and sweep you off your feet, and take you away from him.
If the above is somewhat true,
The most important issues are number 1 & 4.
To solve number 1, in my opinion, a timeout is essentialÂ…
As in to be on your own, and figure out your own feelingsÂ… not going to meet him, and minimum contact.
That is until you know for sure where you stand emotionally.
To do this and solve number 4,
You’ll need to have a heart to heart talk with him… Telling him, for example, “yes, I like you.” “yes, I want to be with you” “but, I am not sure of where I stand emotionally” “I want to start this relationship only when I am Certain, of my emotions” “I need time to think things through.”
Be transparent with him, let him know how important he is to you, and you just need time.
However, whether he will wait for you, or heÂ’ll disappear from your life, is still a risk. No one can predict the future. He might be willing to wait for youÂ…. He might notÂ…
In my opinion, ItÂ’s a risk youÂ’ll have to take.
P.S. Given this guy's history, chances are he'll be pretty possesive and easily jealoused.... can't blame him.... after wat he's been through,
but can you tolerate that? -
This is a rather difficult issue to handle. Based on both his experiences and you level of "expertise" (No offence here), it is no calm waters here. His mistrust is expected as how he was treated by his ex-girlfriend in such manner that trust is more difficult to build than normal.
You have done nothing seriously wrong, you are just being who you are. No one is perfect, we all have flaws here and there. Its his perception that has caused you to become as bad as you think. He has imposed his thinking such that: he would like to give you a chance as a new person, but he is unable to cast away the old shadows that is hounding him thus putting you in the shadows of his old relationship patterns.
Many here propose you being transparent to him. What I suggest (remember, its only a suggestion you do NOT have to follow) is that you talk to him more of his past experiences and try to help him get over it and being able to trust again. If you are unable or are afraid you cannot do well, try and find out if he has any close friends. Especially those close friends who know about his past relationships and ask for their help.
The problem (now you have told us more and more) now is not just you. Its him as well. The only thing is, his is more serious and warrants a more careful approach. In the end if this is not remedied or bandaged, you two will only get hurt. He will have more mistrust towards any future relationship and you will be broken hearted. -
Are you sure opening up the can of worms now is a good idea? situation already so messy...Originally posted by Bontakun:This is a rather difficult issue to handle. Based on both his experiences and you level of "expertise" (No offence here), it is no calm waters here. His mistrust is expected as how he was treated by his ex-girlfriend in such manner that trust is more difficult to build than normal.
You have done nothing seriously wrong, you are just being who you are. No one is perfect, we all have flaws here and there. Its his perception that has caused you to become as bad as you think. He has imposed his thinking such that: he would like to give you a chance as a new person, but he is unable to cast away the old shadows that is hounding him thus putting you in the shadows of his old relationship patterns.
Many here propose you being transparent to him. What I suggest (remember, its only a suggestion you do NOT have to follow) is that [color=blue]you talk to him more of his past experiences and try to help him get over it [/color]and being able to trust again. If you are unable or are afraid you cannot do well, try and find out if he has any close friends. Especially those close friends who know about his past relationships and ask for their help.
The problem (now you have told us more and more) now is not just you. Its him as well. The only thing is, his is more serious and warrants a more careful approach. In the end if this is not remedied or bandaged, you two will only get hurt. He will have more mistrust towards any future relationship and you will be broken hearted. -
From what I see, both parties are not ready yet, mentally and emotionally. If both still wanted to go into the relationship, there are bound to be alot of turmoils and waves. Unless both side HAVE faith in this relationship and made the decision and persevere no matter what, its hard to get a good ending out of it.Originally posted by blu_sky:Are you sure opening up the can of worms now is a good idea? situation already so messy...
Opening up the can of worms now can go both ways as you have guessed, but since its already a can of worms... might as well settle it before it grows into a tub of worms. Kuri has to let the guy know he too has issues he thought he had left behind but never totally kicked it out. From how he is treating her, its unfair to her because he expected too much of her based on his past cruel relationships.
One thing though: These are only our suggestions and comments. You have to make your OWN DECISIONS. Perhaps you can read the guidelines (its hyperlinked hor) so you know what I meant in this paragraph. -
Sounds very much like a rebound to me?Originally posted by kuri:he had 2 gfs before..the last one was with him for about 7 years.i know she used to live with him for how long i m not sure.he said the last 2 years of the relationship she hurt him a lot, went out with guys behind his back slept with 2 guys and came back asking for forgiveness.
i told him who i'm meeting for what le didn't hide anything from him cos i didn't want him to have the nagging fear of "she's doing something behind my back" when i go out with friends. the contradicting thing is that he did tell me i'm free to go out with other guys cos we are not yet an item and he wants me to find out want what i want or who i want first before getting together with him yet he's really paranoid bout my behaviour.. say things like why i m torturing him and that i like to see him in pain ytd nite the manner he spoke to me drove me to tears...n he was okie when i talked to him earlier ytd night dunno what got into him in just a few hours.
Could be dangerous for both of you to start off on this relationship if he has not yet really decided to get over the past
-
Yes, more or less right. If TS really wants to keep this relationship, the can of worms would still have to be dealt with at the end of the day. It's just a matter of sharing it or leaving him to digest his own can of worms...?Originally posted by Bontakun:From what I see, both parties are not ready yet, mentally and emotionally. If both still wanted to go into the relationship, there are bound to be alot of turmoils and waves. Unless both side HAVE faith in this relationship and made the decision and persevere no matter what, its hard to get a good ending out of it.
Opening up the can of worms now can go both ways as you have guessed, but since its already a can of worms... might as well settle it before it grows into a tub of worms. Kuri has to let the guy know he too has issues he thought he had left behind but never totally kicked it out. From how he is treating her, its unfair to her because he expected too much of her based on his past cruel relationships.
One thing though: These are only our suggestions and comments. You have to make your OWN DECISIONS. Perhaps you can read the guidelines (its hyperlinked hor) so you know what I meant in this paragraph. -
Btw, how long was it since he broke off with that gf? He initiated it....?Originally posted by kuri:he had 2 gfs before..the last one was with him for about 7 years.i know she used to live with him for how long i m not sure.he said the last 2 years of the relationship she hurt him a lot, went out with guys behind his back slept with 2 guys and came back asking for forgiveness.
i told him who i'm meeting for what le didn't hide anything from him cos i didn't want him to have the nagging fear of "she's doing something behind my back" when i go out with friends. the contradicting thing is that he did tell me i'm free to go out with other guys cos we are not yet an item and he wants me to find out want what i want or who i want first before getting together with him yet he's really paranoid bout my behaviour.. say things like why i m torturing him and that i like to see him in pain ytd nite the manner he spoke to me drove me to tears...n he was okie when i talked to him earlier ytd night dunno what got into him in just a few hours. -
Hmm...think he has possibility to be one of those possessive guys...Originally posted by kuri:him despite being so tired from work n having to wake up tmr early morning decided to log in msn 30 mins ago just to check if i m asleep. when he realise i m online asked me if i m chatting with other guys i said no he started making some accusation n we had a tiff. i feel so hurt. cant sleep. why is he so suspicious bout me. just because i met up a guy frd today for talk crap session at mac's? i did tell him bout that appointment earlier on le n even called him straight after that wat does he want? besides he had known bout my socialable ways from the start.. i m not his gf even bet he'd freak if i mentioned that in the tiff we just had.. n i tot i m the insecure one but these few days he has been getting so paranoid bout my behaviour.. seriously dunno how long can this carry on...
since you are not sure about your own feelings, and i think he can sense that you are not sure of your feelings and might feel afraid to lose you out to other guys, so now he is heightening his paranoia and own sense of insecurities.
I suggest you tell him frankly that you want some time to think carefully about going into a r/s with him... -
I'm gonna wrap up here with what choco B has said, even though he's not been very active in this thread, just that I find this line so true and applicable.Originally posted by choco B:And even if this relationship fails... well sometimes what matters is the journey... it's not all about the destination.
Kuri, like wat i've said, I've been thru some kind of a r/s like urs. But it's so over now and I'm still smiling. Regardless what, take care of yourself ok? Tears will dry and we'll move on. I know and am confident you'll be able to make light out of your r/s one day. Just have faith in none other than yourself.
what matters is the journey...
-
been bout 7 months or perhaps a yr since they broke off ba i m not so sure..he says he's very sure he's over his ex le so i dun wanna ask him too much bout it cos rather not talk about my ex or his ex when i m with him. the tiff over my ex was when he kept pressing me for an answer when he sees that my expression's not right.Originally posted by Devil1976:Btw, how long was it since he broke off with that gf? He initiated it....? -
seems like he too, is very insecure... and possessive..
-
sadly all the above u commented on is true. actually tried to hav the kinda talk u mentioned with him a week ago, did tell him all those n he did feel assured.Originally posted by smudgey:Kuri....
Sounds like you are in a very messy deal hereÂ….
Am I right to say :
1. You are not too sure of your own feelings, not sure if you are completely over your ex.
2. You like this guy and are afraid if you asked for a timeout, heÂ’ll disappear?
3. your status with him is now a little messy, Officially, you two are just friends, but emotionally and maybe physically(I mean things like holding hands, etc.) you two are bf/gf
4. Given his history, he is also afraid that while you are holding back, someone else would come and sweep you off your feet, and take you away from him.
If the above is somewhat true,
The most important issues are number 1 & 4.
To solve number 1, in my opinion, a timeout is essentialÂ…
As in to be on your own, and figure out your own feelingsÂ… not going to meet him, and minimum contact.
That is until you know for sure where you stand emotionally.
To do this and solve number 4,
You’ll need to have a heart to heart talk with him… Telling him, for example, “yes, I like you.” “yes, I want to be with you” “but, I am not sure of where I stand emotionally” “I want to start this relationship only when I am Certain, of my emotions” “I need time to think things through.”
Be transparent with him, let him know how important he is to you, and you just need time.
However, whether he will wait for you, or heÂ’ll disappear from your life, is still a risk. No one can predict the future. He might be willing to wait for youÂ…. He might notÂ…
In my opinion, ItÂ’s a risk youÂ’ll have to take.
P.S. Given this guy's history, chances are he'll be pretty possesive and easily jealoused.... can't blame him.... after wat he's been through,
but can you tolerate that?
and he had been stable secure my emotional support all this while we met until..
dunno things r taking such a bad turn this week. like he's getting so afraid that i'll disappear or smt i m out of his sight for one day n things would happen. the last 2 tiffs we had which r the first 2 we ever had occurred on the days we didnt meet this week tues n ytd. out of four days i alr had 2 sleepless teary nights and he had to b on mc for 2 days couldnt go to work think we r gona ruin each other's lives if things go on..
asked me if we can go get rings together i din say yes cos that would make our current situation even more awkward guess he's losing his ability to hold the propositions n promises he made initially as he craves for more n more things to make sure i m his secure procurement. -
Kuri,Originally posted by kuri:sadly all the above u commented on is true. actually tried to hav the kinda talk u mentioned with him a week ago, did tell him all those n he did feel assured.
and he had been stable secure my emotional support all this while we met until..
dunno things r taking such a bad turn this week. like he's getting so afraid that i'll disappear or smt i m out of his sight for one day n things would happen. the last 2 tiffs we had which r the first 2 we ever had occurred on the days we didnt meet this week tues n ytd. out of four days i alr had 2 sleepless teary nights and he had to b on mc for 2 days couldnt go to work think we r gona ruin each other's lives if things go on..
asked me if we can go get rings together i din say yes cos that would make our current situation even more awkward guess he's losing his ability to hold the propositions n promises he made initially as he craves for more n more things to make sure i m his secure procurement.
I don't wanna be a cold blanket but.... I think you ought to cool things off first...
He is desperately trying to 'tie you down"
and my guess is you are BOTH NOT READY...
He may say that he is over her... but that may just be a desperate attempt to convince HIMSELF that he has moved on...
This is how i see it,
initially his obsession was his gf.... when they broke up, his obsession became his pain, his anger and his insecurities.
and now his obsessions includes you.
Be very carefull here.
Think about it, if you start things now, really think here, is it going to last? with his obsessions, your character, his jealousy???
when you try to keep a beautiful butterfly from flying away, you'll end up crushing it...
Remember, if things are meant to be, you two can get together again when both of you have sort out your feelings -
ytd past midnight he suddenly smsed me
"will u marry me?"
i was like
i tried to brush him off nicely this morning he smsed me again "marry me?"
it was just tuesday afternoon when he told me he realised things were going too fast n we need to slow it down i was surprised but happy that he finally saw that. yet wednesday he asked for we could get couple rings? when i didnt reply him he said nvm n now just after two days without meeting him n he asked me to marry him?? tho he always says he's very clear what he's doing he's mature enough at his age to hav thought things through yet all this strange acts recently made me wonder does he know what he's doing consciously?
smudgey thanks for ur useful insights did try to get him to talk bout some of the issues u mentioned but when i tried to start again ytd he said i just want him to leave me rite? he insists that if i talk bout such things again means i m trying to drive him away. i dunno how i can get him to face the issues nicely and how to sum up all these mess we've to deal with now so he can understand.
-
This is his way of proposing? Wow... Never knew the POWA of smses...Originally posted by kuri:ytd past midnight he suddenly smsed me
"will u marry me?"
i was like
i tried to brush him off nicely this morning he smsed me again "marry me?"
it was just tuesday afternoon when he told me he realised things were going too fast n we need to slow it down i was surprised but happy that he finally saw that. yet wednesday he asked for we could get couple rings? when i didnt reply him he said nvm n now just after two days without meeting him n he asked me to marry him?? tho he always says he's very clear what he's doing he's mature enough at his age to hav thought things through yet all this strange acts recently made me wonder does he know what he's doing consciously?
smudgey thanks for ur useful insights did try to get him to talk bout some of the issues u mentioned but when i tried to start again ytd he said i just want him to leave me rite? he insists that if i talk bout such things again means i m trying to drive him away. i dunno how i can get him to face the issues nicely and how to sum up all these mess we've to deal with now so he can understand. -
LOve Dun need Reason..
-
but u think smses should b used in such matters? he says he's damn serious, in sms again. i dun know whether he's really that serious but cant bring himself to say things in person or it simply isnt important enough for him to do more than sms.Originally posted by Bontakun:This is his way of proposing? Wow... Never knew the POWA of smses... -
i ever got one suitor also like that..Originally posted by kuri:but u think smses should b used in such matters? he says he's damn serious, in sms again. i dun know whether he's really that serious but cant bring himself to say things in person or it simply isnt important enough for him to do more than sms.
not even together already call me 'wifey, darling'..
and no, i dun mean croco.
he even wanted to bring me to ROM when we were out one day..
i tell u lor, i got very shocked and mad at him..
and i ditched him.