Love has no reason?
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Originally posted by kuri:He says he really loves me.
I ask him why.
He says it's just based on feelings.
I say but my behaviour has been rather annoying from the first time we met.
And he says yes there were times i made him clenched his fist in frustration, however he has learnt to accept it for who i am.
Say i m thinking too much you may,but there's a nagging doubt in my head.
If i were really irritating to him why would he have wanted to get close to me in the first place?
Why bother to tolerate me if i need to b tolerated?
Love has no reason?
Really?
I would say that much of this 'issues' are byproduct by your unconscious negative attitude towards love and relationship. Your lack of confidence is mere reflection of your previous failure in relationship/s (or at least, it didn't turn out to something that you truly hoped it would be?). Somehow, your mind capture the essence of an 'unloving self', which is something you are unable to brush away unconsciously and provided the underlying root reason to reject him.Originally posted by kuri:Well,if i were to fall in love with him eventually it would be due to wat i said earlier i like him for,his patience with me. it is mainly that which attracts me to him.
But i dun see anything bout me that would interest him in the first place so i dun see why would he claimed to have fallen in love with me?
This is stirring up a lot of insecurities in me.
For starters, i am playful, quirky, unpredictable and perhaps immature, the definitely need to be coaxed all the time insecure kiddie. The kind who in his own words had considered a "dangerous girl" to him.
He was a serious young man with stable secure career and stuff who wanted a serious gf who would eventually be his life partner. I pointed out that difference to him and implied that perhaps he had thought he had fallen for me cos i m a new thrill, even asked him explicitly "are you sure it's not on impulse?" several times.
He told he's old enough and been thru sufficient experience to know how he feels and what he wants.
Cos this insecurity and the incompatiability which i pointed out, i m worried i would break his heart eventually or he would mine so i hav been pacing back and forth, cos i m unsure whether a relationship with him would have any chance of working out.
Also he's under a lot of stress lately, starting to show some signs of tireness towards having to be so sensitive to me and having to deal with my baby tantrums at times. Your above reply revealed some deep gnawing inferiority - your incessant suspicion and doubt about his feelings for you mirrors exactly how it appears inside your troubled emotions. This 'unloving self' creeps in from some unfortunate experience and mutated rampantly into your perception and attitude towards love.
It's so blatant whenever I come across such virulent mindset and that he/she believes, to certain great extend, that they are not 'entitled' any fulfilling relationship. And because the mind refuse to believe that they are 'lovable' and they are also have the prerogative to any fulfilling relationship, they will always behave and react in a manner to compensate this negative mindset.
This is shown through your pseudo-testing of his patience and intentional provocative attitude to create a self fulfilling prophesy - that you are indeed 'unlovable', immature and not able to make this love a reality because you want to coerce him to concede. When he finally gives this up altogether, your subconscious goes 'Ah... I knew it... I am this bad...' and reinforced whatever false belief you foolishly cling on.
In the end, you may regret... and probably live with it forever if things are irrevocable.
Bear paints a likely scenario if your mindset continues to degenerate in this manner and it could possibly repeat onto the next guy and start another series of karmic cycle.
Your insecurity comes from yourself - resolve your negativity and mindset to gain clarity.
Cheers -
I don't think he's a fine gentleman. I think the reason he's holding on is because he likes her and he knows she likes him too. That's why he believes in being patient in this case.Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:Sounds like a fine gentleman. Then again, that is not the crux.
The crux is, what do u want in a r/s?
Perhaps all along you've never really tot seriously abt it until the so call love hits you. Perhaps it's now time to seriously think abt wat you want. Then measure it against him. Do not just let the feeling of being loved rush towards your head, then again perhaps it's bcos you hvnt really examine wat u really want, your confusion will emerge in form of insecurities and tantrums.
A cooling off period shd set you thinking. A fine gentleman like him shd ustand.
Does a gentleman anyhow touch a girl when they are not even in a relationship?
Does a gentleman fondle a girl??
He fails as a gentleman.
doko -
So you have only known him like for 2 weeks and you are so drawn to him that fast?Originally posted by kuri:I did go out with other guys a few weeks before i met him.
But after two weeks of sorta seeing him i liked him enough to draw my lines clear with 2 other guys i had been going out with and never dated them since.
so i guess i do like him.but just somehow smt is holding me back..
doko -
I did tell him that I like him sometime after i rejected to be his gf yet we still went out together all the while.Originally posted by dokono:kuri
are you very low in self-esteem? It seems that you need to be secure in yourself first. Did you tell him you like him?
doko -
in my reply to doko he did want us to be "official" even wanted me to meet his parentsOriginally posted by browniebaobao:Then he should be able to understand what u are going thru..
he makes it sound like he's very desirable and no lack of choices.
in the first place, were u two even together?
there's only intimacy involved but no acknowledgement right? -
no noOriginally posted by kuri:in my reply to doko he did want us to be "official" even wanted me to meet his parents
he's rushing.
2 weeks only and he wants to meet your parents?
might as well propose to you for marriage on the spot.
doko -
cos i felt closer to him tho i had met the other 2 dudes earlier.i m sure some of u here has met someone before in ur life whom u know for so little time yet it felt like u had known each other for ages. tho i cant vouch that it wouldn't feel so intense if we hadnt met up so often. he just makes me feel so comfortable with him i didn't mind meeting him everyday and we practically did that. it's just cos of my insecurities due to as u mentioned low self-esteem and that i havent let go of my ex completely that i had refused to go into a relationship with him.Originally posted by dokono:So you have only known him like for 2 weeks and you are so drawn to him that fast?
doko -
So you still haven't forget your ex completely? Try to get over your ex first before starting a new relationship first? It'll be fair for him and I do hope he's fair to you too.Originally posted by kuri:cos i felt closer to him tho i had met the other 2 dudes earlier.i m sure some of u here has met someone before in ur life whom u know for so little time yet it felt like u had known each other for ages. tho i cant vouch that it wouldn't feel so intense if we hadnt met up so often. he just makes me feel so comfortable with him i didn't mind meeting him everyday and we practically did that. it's just cos of my insecurities due to as u mentioned low self-esteem and that i havent let go of my ex completely that i had refused to go into a relationship with him.
No I can tell he's trying to rush you into a relationship. Be patient with yourself first. When you know you are secure, try to think about the relationship later. It's still not too late. Cos you know what? A relationship can make you more insecure when you are already not secure. It can cause a lot of problems in the future if you don't settle those insecurity issues.
doko -
Originally posted by dokono:I don't think he's a fine gentleman. I think the reason he's holding on is because he likes her and he knows she likes him too. That's why he believes in being patient in this case.
Does a gentleman anyhow touch a girl when they are not even in a relationship?
Does a gentleman fondle a girl??
He fails as a gentleman.
doko
It's been bout a month now...after he self confessed bout the touching thing he said that he scares himself when he recalled his actions so decided that there should b a cooling off period that we r moving too fast. but after that ordeal last nite..he did call back bout an hour later but i knew it's still biting him..received an sms from him in the middle of the night that he is too hurt to sleep.this morning when i asked him if he's okie he says he cant go to work today think he didn't sleep at all..i don't know how to comfort him..mayb i shd meet him for dinner today or smt..i really didnt know it'd hurt him so bad..at a loss now..Originally posted by dokono:So you have only known him like for 2 weeks and you are so drawn to him that fast?
doko -
i know u meant well..i didnt know he would take it so badly n hurt him so much..but he said if a frd's opinions can affect me so much then he means nothing to me.he asked how would i feel if he had done the same to me and that his frds been telling him a relationship with a 20/21 yr old isn't going to work out should he listen to them?Originally posted by browniebaobao:
hugs kuri*
jialat i become sinner liao..
girl, give urself time too..
u are really not ready leh...
ask urself.. do u really like him or u juz someone to love u and shower u with the attention?
i dun want u to get hurt again leh..
especially when u haven get over him.
i say i wouldnt be so worked up then i kept quiet cos i know my immediate answer would hurt him more and would perhaps spell the end of us. -
Actually, your relationship is not fast yet. I've known faster ones. But do slow it down. Right now, both your status are "friends".Originally posted by kuri:It's been bout a month now...after he self confessed bout the touching thing he said that he scares himself when he recalled his actions so decided that there should b a cooling off period that we r moving too fast. but after that ordeal last nite..he did call back bout an hour later but i knew it's still biting him..received an sms from him in the middle of the night that he is too hurt to sleep.this morning when i asked him if he's okie he says he cant go to work today think he didn't sleep at all..i don't know how to comfort him..mayb i shd meet him for dinner today or smt..i really didnt know it'd hurt him so bad..at a loss now..
There are a few questions:
How did you meet him?
There are many possibilities why he's hurt. It could be he's hurt by the many big/small tantrums you throw at him and he can't take it anymore. Seriously, I think you really need to control yourself. There are girls who throw tantrums a lot of times and there are girls who throw much lesser. Is this part of your character?
Then again, is this called patience? Patience is about getting to know each other slowly, even though the chemistry is there. When everything is too fast, you crash and burn fast.
How did your reply the sms?
He's complaining to you. He's not taking it easy. His patience is wearing thin.
doko -
How old is he? What his friends said is true to a certain extent. Most girls your age they can't make up their minds. Some are different of course.Originally posted by kuri:i know u meant well..i didnt know he would take it so badly n hurt him so much..but he said if a frd's opinions can affect me so much then he means nothing to me.he asked how would i feel if he had done the same to me and that his frds been telling him a relationship with a 20/21 yr old isn't going to work out should he listen to them?
i say i wouldnt be so worked up then i kept quiet cos i know my immediate answer would hurt him more and would perhaps spell the end of us.
What end ? The two of you aren't together to begin with. Don't think too much.
doko -
to him we r actually together but we r "friends" cos it's all in my mind and he says doesn't want to pressure me. he's 27. mayb i m one of those who cant make up my mind. he says he wants to meet me today. my heart twitches to see him in pain. i'll see how it goes after meeting him ba.Originally posted by dokono:How old is he? What his friends said is true to a certain extent. Most girls your age they can't make up their minds. Some are different of course.
What end ? The two of you aren't together to begin with. Don't think too much.
doko -
why twitch with pain? isnt this phase the sweetest part of a courtship? why wont just make it simple and sweet? enjoy the process?Originally posted by kuri:to him we r actually together but we r "friends" cos it's all in my mind and he says doesn't want to pressure me. he's 27. mayb i m one of those who cant make up my mind. he says he wants to meet me today. my heart twitches to see him in pain. i'll see how it goes after meeting him ba. -
i m not the one in pain now.my heart twitched to see him in pain.he seem to b really hurt by ytd's row.Originally posted by blu_sky:why twitch with pain? isnt this phase the sweetest part of a courtship? why wont just make it simple and sweet? enjoy the process? -
With reference to here, I found the above comments to be useful. It might not help you (kuri) directly, but it can at least help you understand more about love and relationship at a deeper level.Originally posted by Homebody:Love - When true love is exist, there is no compulsion for reciprocal benefits from the one you love. Everything you do is for the good of the person, not for yourself. Feelings for the person doesn't consume you. You involve other people into your life and expand your social circle. Truly loving a person will make you a happier person. Your self-esteem is not at stake. You don't work your life around the person only. You see and accept the faults of the person, perhaps to like the faults too. Love is not just about feelings, it's also chemistry between the person you love and yourself.
Usually, when it's true love, you don't want to expose the relationship too early to others. -
Originally posted by kuri:
My reply still remains. why wont juz make it simple? make things simple?
i m not the one in pain now.my heart twitched to see [b]him in pain.he seem to b really hurt by ytd's row.[/b]
if you cant forget your ex so much that you are still in a depression, you cant enter a relationship happily. There will be too much emotional baggage. It will wear everything down.
If you really like this guy, put down the past. Put the past behind you. Stop hurting him and yourself. -
Hmm.... Kuri...Originally posted by kuri:bbb,i told him wat u said on sms just now..just the part bout me not ready to enter another relationship now cos i still hurt from my last he freaked totally..he was angry what a mutual frd between me n ex said could hav such influence on me..cos i couldnt help crying when i mentioned ex on the phone..he said goodnite n hung up on me..then he smsed me n said i had hurt him enough..he's sick of it..that i say such hurtful things to him and expect to be consoled..say he's telling himself to give up on me tho it hurts him so much to...
sad to say, it's either :
1) he's too young and immature to care about your feelings over his....
2) he doesn't really love you.
Instead of saying all those things to you, if he really loves you, he should say that he is willing to wait and support you....
Kuri..... this is not a good time to start with him....
that's what i feel -
What does this mean? "Usually, when it's true love, you don't want to expose the relationship too early to others".Originally posted by Bontakun:With reference to here, I found the above comments to be useful. It might not help you (kuri) directly, but it can at least help you understand more about love and relationship at a deeper level. -
I dun think it is very fair to say that. I believe there is a limit to everyone's tolerance level (to mistreatment and pain?).Originally posted by smudgey:Hmm.... Kuri...
sad to say, it's either :
1) he's too young and immature to care about your feelings over his....
2) he doesn't really love you.
Instead of saying all those things to you, if he really loves you, he should say that he is willing to wait and support you....
Kuri..... this is not a good time to start with him....
that's what i feel
You cant say, because you love me, so you have to take all sh1t from me. If you dun take all sh1t from me, you dun love me enough.
That is not fair. -
There are times when the relationship is going at a steady rate. It might not be ready to advance further or too fast. Imagine if someone else know about it and they say, "Ooooh, so and so are together har...." then they look at you 2 and they try to accelerate the relationship between you 2. It may be good but often it is bad especially if any of you are not ready yet.Originally posted by blu_sky:What does this mean? "Usually, when it's true love, you don't want to expose the relationship too early to others".
Imagine introducing steam invention in the bronze age. Won't it disturb the natural behaviour and advancement, not to mention unpreparedness to adapt to "too high" stuffs? -
Thank youOriginally posted by Bontakun:There are times when the relationship is going at a steady rate. It might not be ready to advance further or too fast. Imagine if someone else know about it and they say, "Ooooh, so and so are together har...." then they look at you 2 and they try to accelerate the relationship between you 2. It may be good but often it is bad especially if any of you are not ready yet.
Imagine introducing steam invention in the bronze age. Won't it disturb the natural behaviour and advancement, not to mention unpreparedness to adapt to "too high" stuffs?
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All the boy's asking for is a chance and alittle faith. If you can't give him that then tell him , be honest about it. Maybe you do have issues that you should settle first instead of subjecting him to your problems.
And even if this relationship fails... well sometimes what matters is the journey... it's not all about the destination. -
wow... agree.Originally posted by choco B:All the boy's asking for is a chance and alittle faith. If you can't give him that then tell him , be honest about it. Maybe you do have issues that you should settle first instead of subjecting him to your problems.
And even if this relationship fails... well sometimes what matters is the journey... it's not all about the destination.
but i think TS is emotionally attached to him now, and is therefore worried of losing him too.
Accepting him? she is not ready, and is insecured. And if she keeps treating him badly, it is juz a matter of time that he will leave.
Rejecting him now? she cant bear to.
If TS continues this, it is going to be a lose-lose situation for herself. -
you are doing the right thing here...Originally posted by kuri:i really like him but i just can't bring myself to enter a relationship with him when i m so confused..i want to keep him but yet i dun want to make promises i know i might not be able to fulfill..it hurts so bad now i dunno wat to so..
it's never good to enter a relationship with this much doubt and confusion in your mind....
I'm glad you told him that, you were being honest.... and he couldn't see pass your "i'm not ready" state...Originally posted by kuri:shouldnt hav told him that..i regret it..regret it...why couldnt i just control my damn depression. why did thinking bout my ex still affect me so badly.. wat should i do...should i salvage it?how?
Agreed!Originally posted by M©+square:
I'm sorry to hear that you guys have had a tiff.
But this is a good time for you to reflect on yourself and this relationship.
And a time to see how much he loves you, if he does...he'll come back to you.
That's how i see it. But it is provided his character isn't too stubborn.
that is very true.... I find that now that i am single again,Originally posted by browniebaobao:
ask urself.. do u really like him or u juz someone to love u and shower u with the attention?
I sorta crave to have someone there beside me to show me that I'm still loved no matter what....
But i know, i'm not ready for a relationship.... so must discipline myself...
then ask him, doesn't he want to start only after YOU are sure you have gotten FULLY over your ex???Originally posted by kuri:he says he's the sort who never believes in patching back. even though he said he still had love his ex when he broke up with cos of her betrayals he never looked back despite being terribly miserable for months he said he would never take his ex back even if she wanted to come back to him. he said he only started looking for somebody after he's sure he had gotten over his ex. and that if i were to make up my mind to leave one day or we were to split i'd never be able to come back to him.
Kuri,Originally posted by kuri:It's been bout a month now...after he self confessed bout the touching thing he said that he scares himself when he recalled his actions so decided that there should b a cooling off period that we r moving too fast. but after that ordeal last nite..he did call back bout an hour later but i knew it's still biting him..received an sms from him in the middle of the night that he is too hurt to sleep.this morning when i asked him if he's okie he says he cant go to work today think he didn't sleep at all..i don't know how to comfort him..mayb i shd meet him for dinner today or smt..i really didnt know it'd hurt him so bad..at a loss now..
talk to him again, this time reinforce the fact that you do like him. but just want to make sure you wipe the slate clean before you start another relationship...
you are doing exactly wat he was doing... making sure u are over you ex before looking to go into another relationship...
bottomline, if you are not ready, don't let him rush you into it... it'll never last that way...
Hmmm... I'm not saying that he has to take the shlt from her....Originally posted by blu_sky:I dun think it is very fair to say that. I believe there is a limit to everyone's tolerance level (to mistreatment and pain?).
You cant say, because you love me, so you have to take all sh1t from me. If you dun take all sh1t from me, you dun love me enough.
That is not fair.
but just that, he has been through this, and has to also understand that it is something she has to do before starting another relationship (assuming they want this relationship to last)
I admit my initial statements are a bit too strong....
but If you love someone enough, you'll wait, won't you?