Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western
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I think it's a mixture of all factors, including apathy, ignorance, and others. Each case is probably different.Originally posted by Chin Eng:I am of the opinion that these parents are not interested in disciplining their children, but I am not sure if it's because of their own stress or general apathy.
I know of too many parents who feel that discipline is not important because their person axiom is "kids will be kids" and let these children run wild.
One ex-colleague told me that she WILL NOT discipline her children even though these children vandalise her house because that may stifle her children's creativity.
Maybe these parents think that discipline is killing creativity... But because we live in a social world, there are rules to abide by, like it or not. Discipline actually increases creativity, because less time is wasted on correcting bad behavior down the road.
I don't want to be too judgemental about your colleague. Maybe she has a room in her house that allows the children to draw on walls and stuff like that, which I think is wonderful if she, the parent, can take it.
But if her children starts hitting others, and she starts defending them by saying they have a freedom to express themselves.. and the "other party" starts it first and is wrong, then I think we may agree there is a problem there.
Alternatively, she might have her own experiences which stifle creativity in herself that prompts her to adopt the extreme... this is where the arguments about parental experiences you and Andrew have said come into the picture.
The key thing is achieving a balance that allows your child to express himself/herself without fear and judgement, and keeping him/her behaving within boundaries.
It is not easy, and I am still learning... -
I am just thankful that my parenting skills are working, and that I have good offsprings that respond well to my techniques.
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It is important that people have a yardstick to measure against. If for example, one person "A" claims that something is "long" but another person "B" thinks that it it short, then how do you determine who is right? We need yardsticks to determine whether A or B is right.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:I am attracted to this post because I, like many others, want to be a better parent.
But I must admit I am quite confused by the complicated and chim arguments of most of the posts here.
In my humble opinion, wherever you learn it from is immaterial:
what you learn and whether you want to learn is more important.
I think good parenting means instilling discipline,giving emotional support and lots of love to the child.
"A" will insist that he is right and "B" will insist that he is right. Usually people have their reasons for saying that they are right. "A" will say, I am right because... and "B" will say, I am right because ...
When you think that you should bring up the child in a certain way, obviously you have your reasons why you think you should bring up the child in a certain way. How will you know that you are right and that your reasons are valid?
How will you know that you are not delusional?
What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way to bring up children?
Some people are experts in this field and it is better to understand what they say and use that as a yardstick to measure your beliefs against their suggestions.
There are many that call themselves "experts" and how do you separate the wheat from the chaff?
You should give those that withstand the scrutiny of established authorities more weight. For example, if it is recommended by the Ministry of Health, then you know that it must have achieved some credibility after some scrutiny by experts in the field.
You might want to read widely even from sources that are not "accredited" to give you an idea what the issues are and reflect whether or not you have considered the issues or have missed them.
All this is true but it does not mean that you do not need to learn what "Good Parenting" is.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Sometimes to be a good parent, one must look within himself/herself first. Useful questions to ask are :
Do you lose your temper easily?
Did you shout at your child because you had a bad day at work, or did he do something really wrong that you need to shout at him?
Do you take an easy way out when your child makes a nuisance of himself/herself in public?
Some of the posts by Andrew and co did mention these in a general sense.
At the end of the day, we hope our children can grow up to be inspiring people and positive contributors to society. -
...so in the first place.... what is the purpose of bringing up children? or specifically what is YOUR purpose in bringing up YOUR children?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way to bring up children?
andrew, please share? -
Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:When a child makes a mistake e.g. making a nuisance of himself/herself in public, always make a point to explain why he/she is wrong, after the initial reprimanding.
There is a recommendation regarding this in a parenting book I read more than 10 years back.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:I would say many parents are not even aware they have to do this... because the embarrassment/anger is overwhelming them.
One good way is to detach oneself and try to see the situation from the child's point of view...
Many parents are actually very stressed up about their own lives to bother about the importance of discipline ... this, they have to manage it themselves..
The suggestion is that the child, when he is making a nuisance of himself is actually "seeking" attention and that they way is to "lock" him up and stay with him locked up, away from public view and refuse to let him out unless he stops crying and apologized, (you can do the explaining why he/she is wrong) after he says he is sorry.
This is what I mean by seeking expert advice and recommendations.
After being locked up away from public view a few times (like in a mall toilet cubicle, for example or in a room at home away from everyone else in the living room), the child should get the message if it is a normal child. The child will realize that screaming and shouting is not going to get him the attention he craves but in fact, he will get the opposite.
You think that the way is to "always make a point to explain why he/she is wrong, after the initial reprimanding" but the experts are of the opinion that it is more effective to "lock" the child away and that would stop him from "seeking attention by making a nuisance of himself in public in future. -
Originally posted by Chin Eng:...so in the first place.... what is the purpose of bringing up children? or specifically what is [b]YOUR purpose in bringing up YOUR children?
andrew, please share?[/b][/quote]How did the discussion get to the purpose of bringing up children? If parents make an effort to learn what the experts say, and not bring up children base on their beliefs and delusions, I would be most grateful and so would people like mistyblue
[quote]Originally posted by mistyblue:
sg parenting skills suck. -
is "attention seeking" the only reason why a child is making a nuisance of himself? can there be any other reasons?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:The suggestion is that the child, when he is making a nuisance of himself is actually "seeking" attention and that they way is to "lock" him up and stay with him locked up, away from public view and refuse to let him out unless he stops crying and apologized, (you can do the explaining why he/she is wrong) after he says he is sorry. -
It does not matter actually, the child learns that there are better ways to express himself than to make a nuisance of himself.Originally posted by Chin Eng:is "attention seeking" the only reason why a child is making a nuisance of himself? can there be any other reasons?
If the parent (I am sure you have seen so many in Singapore) screams and shouts and hit the child in public, you will notice that the situation will escalate first then subside.
In the parent's delusional mind, s/he has "disciplined" the child and the child will not do it again... but in the child's mind it was: "OK I have gotten enough of what I wanted and now I can keep quiet, hey the next time I want attention I certainly know what to do... wah, so many people were looking at me!"
I rather not get into specifics and this thread is not meant as a parenting skills thread... it is meant as an urging of parents to learn parenting skills from reliable sources and not bring up children based on their own beliefs and delusions. -
In my opinion, it does matter a lot. As in any issue, getting down into the root cause is half the battle. Not all kids are attention seekers.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:It does not matter actually, the child learns that there are better ways to express himself than to make a nuisance of himself.
I am more concern about parents who sit around and does nothing. Perhaps in their minds: if I ignore the child long enough, he'd soon get tired and shut up. Perhaps these are equally delusional too.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:If the parent (I am sure you have seen so many in Singapore) screams and shouts and hit the child in public, you will notice that the situation will escalate first then subside.
In the parent's delusional mind, s/he has "disciplined" the child and the child will not do it again... but in the child's mind it was: "OK I have gotten enough of what I wanted and now I can keep quiet, hey the next time I want attention I certainly know what to do... wah, so many people were looking at me!"
In my opinion, "reliable" sources are based on the inclination of these sources. Those who walk around with the inclination towards psychology will dish out psychological solutions which may or may not be applicable to another culture. I know of people who seek such "reliable" sources and yet have children that grow up to be total s-holes.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:I rather not get into specifics and this thread is not meant as a parenting skills thread... it is meant as an urging of parents to learn parenting skills from reliable sources and not bring up children based on their own beliefs and delusions. -
and I guess to you it is better to depend on one's own beliefs and delusions rather than experts because "it might not apply to one's culture and the results are not guaranteed?"Originally posted by Chin Eng:In my opinion, "reliable" sources are based on the inclination of these sources. Those who walk around with the inclination towards psychology will dish out psychological solutions which may or may not be applicable to another culture. I know of people who seek such "reliable" sources and yet have children that grow up to be total s-holes.
It does not matter whether people read "western" or "eastern" parenting guides... as long as it is from reliable sources and it will be better than bringing up children on beliefs and delusions in the parent's head.
I cannot for a moment understand why you are so against people learning from reliable sources. -
where did you read that I am against people learning from reliable sources?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:and I guess to you it is better to depend on one's own beliefs and delusions rather than experts because "it [b]might not apply to one's culture and the results are not guaranteed?"[/b][/quote]
you tend to think that word "beliefs" and "delusions" go hand in hand? don't you have a belief? and that belief is "expert" opinions are the best? so having a beliefs will lead to delusion? than everyone in the world is delusional...
[quote]Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
It does not matter whether people read "western" or "eastern" parenting guides... as long as it is from reliable sources and it will be better than bringing up children on beliefs and delusions in the parent's head.
I cannot for a moment understand why you are so against people learning from reliable sources.
all I am saying is: just by reading from reliable sources does not change the fact that the child is different each time. following strictly from reliable sources do not guarantee success because this "reliable" sources are only guides, at the end of the day, the parent MUST exercise some level of common sense.
in any case, reliable sources do not necessarily have to be books by "experts" with some letters behind their names. -
tough work, parenting
and all the post here....super chim....
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....by the way... how many children do you have?
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"Go to school for what? I know of people that go to school everyday and fail miserably"
"Go to hospitals for what? I know of people that go to hospitals and died"
"Exercise for what? I know of people that exercise and drop dead while they are exercising"
"and and and... I am god, I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."Originally posted by Chin Eng:I know of people who seek such "reliable" sources and yet have children that grow up to be total s-holes. -
very strange hor.... you asked:
er.... you did?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:How did the discussion get to the purpose of bringing up children?
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way tobring up children? -
sigh.... again i repeat: i did not say that "reliable" sources are no good, it's the over-reliance on these sources that may be bad.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:"Go to school for what? I know of people that go to school everyday and fail miserably"
"Go to hospitals for what? I know of people that go to hospitals and died"
"Exercise for what? I know of people that exercise and drop dead while they are exercising"
"and and and... I am god, I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."
.... so is school the only place to learn? and that you don't learn unless you're in school?
.... and that taking care of our health by having common sense in our diet is not a good thing?
.... aaa... this part quite true...
.... aaa... god thing again hah? but not godmod liao.
"I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."
of course you are.... -
Originally posted by Chin Eng:very strange hor.... you asked:Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:How did the discussion get to the purpose of bringing up children?
"yardstick ... to measure ... the correct way to bring up children?Originally posted by Chin Eng:very strange hor.... you asked: er.... you did? [quote]
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way to[b]bring up children?
is taking about the PURPOSE of bringing up children?
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they are all intertwined.....
to talk about the yardstick of bringing up children, you need to know define the purpose of bringing children, otherwise, measure what? -
Of course I am not, I am not the one that uttered the words:Originally posted by Chin Eng:"I am the ultimate authority of what "good" children are and what s-holes children are..."
of course you are.... Originally posted by Chin Eng:I know of people who seek such "reliable" sources and yet have children that grow up to be total s-holes.
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I said "s-hole children" I didn't claim to be god, you did.
short memory span hor.... -
those words were quotations marks, in case you missed it "..................................."Originally posted by Chin Eng:I said "s-hole children" I didn't claim to be god, you did.
short memory span hor....
I was quoting someone... hmmmm I wonder who I was quoting.... and will the guilty party please stand up. -
Measure what????Originally posted by Chin Eng:they are all intertwined.....
to talk about the yardstick of bringing up children, you need to know define the purpose of bringing children, otherwise, measure what?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
What is the yardstick that you use to measure what you think is the correct way to bring up children? -
Maybe I am the guilty party of going into specifics on the correct ways on parenting, eg. starting the argument about how to discipline a child when he/she has misbehaved in public.
Andrew,
I share your opinion on the need for expert opinion, and I think every parent should pick up a book and learn about parenting.
But seeking expert opinion on something is only a means to an end, and not the end itself.
Well, perhaps discussing about how to do parenting well in this thread is not relevant, and we should all talk about the importance of seeking help from reliable sources.
Permit me to be guilty of irrelevance again, but the lockup thing you have suggested is very extreme, and sometimes a child only wants attention. Throwing him into a dark room and letting him cry till he stops is very traumatic, and should be used very sparingly.
But having said that, maybe that is totally irrelevant in this thread. -
hmmm.... unless I am mistaken, you're putting words in my mouth....Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:those words were quotations marks, in case you missed it "..................................."
I was quoting someone... hmmmm I wonder who I was quoting.... and will the guilty party please stand up.
hmmm.... claiming that I've said something when I did not.....
hmmm.... wondering what is the penalty for libel..... -
don't know..... yardstick for what? stir coffee hah?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Measure what????