Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western
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Sometimes I think the parents might be at their wits ends... they have no idea what works and what does not. They have run out of ideas as to what they should do. That is why it is so important to learn from the experts and get some tips from them.Originally posted by mistyblue:I don't know about kids or parenting. But I know what is good and bad behaviour from kids and parents. I've not seen good behaviour from Local Parents and Kids. So a sweeping statement is that, local parenting skills really suck. I have my fair share of BIL kids in my house. When they run amok and throw all sorts of tantrums, destroy property, etc. The 2 parents seeing them acting out negative behaviour did not correct them, did not speak up and instead expect us, the host to correct and teach their kids. Their kids are in my place 7 days a week. You think I want to correct someone's kids? I cannot care less besides, I do not know if there are any thing that the parents do not like me to teach and then cause more conflict because of them. They are not my kids - so they should not be my problem.
I see so many ill behaved teens and kids all over the place. Seriously, I can only blame the parents for their bad parenting to bring up such a ill mannered generation.
It is always better to "prevent" bad behavior than it is to "correct" bad behavior.
What "bad" behavior can parents expect from their children? How to prevent them?
That is where learning from the experts come in handy. Some people had spent time and effort to think through all the issues, and might as well learn from them instead of acting based on your own "beliefs and delusions" or running out of ideas altogether. -
For example... when your wife is pregnant, you can run straight to the bookshop and buy a book that tells you what to expect during pregnancy and what to expect when the child is one month old... two, three, six... One Year, Two, Three... and so on.
You can know what to expect and how to prevent problems. -
Well, I do not think its my job to go and learn and teach when the parents cannot be bothered. I do not believe parents are to be the kid's playmate and best friend. The parent should be a parent.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Sometimes I think the parents might be at their wits ends... they have no idea what works and what does not. They have run out of ideas as to what they should do. That is why it is so important to learn from the experts and get some tips from them.
It is always better to "prevent" bad behavior than it is to "correct" bad behavior.
What "bad" behavior can parents expect from their children? How to prevent them?
That is where learning from the experts come in handy. Some people had spent time and effort to think through all the issues, and might as well learn from them instead of acting based on your own "beliefs and delusions" or running out of ideas altogether. -
mistyblue, I know all about your woes from the PIL thread, and I must say you are really doing a good job being proactive and positive about things. I like to add that my MIL seems to exist to make my life rougher, but that's the topic of another thread another time.Originally posted by mistyblue:I don't know about kids or parenting. But I know what is good and bad behaviour from kids and parents. I've not seen good behaviour from Local Parents and Kids. So a sweeping statement is that, local parenting skills really suck. I have my fair share of BIL kids in my house. When they run amok and throw all sorts of tantrums, destroy property, etc. The 2 parents seeing them acting out negative behaviour did not correct them, did not speak up and instead expect us, the host to correct and teach their kids. Their kids are in my place 7 days a week. You think I want to correct someone's kids? I cannot care less besides, I do not know if there are any thing that the parents do not like me to teach and then cause more conflict because of them. They are not my kids - so they should not be my problem.
I see so many ill behaved teens and kids all over the place. Seriously, I can only blame the parents for their bad parenting to bring up such a ill mannered generation.
As for your BIL kids type, we seem to see them everywhere... In ToyRUs, on the streets, in kindergarten...
I would like to say that it is nobody's responsibility but the parents (and maybe the teachers) to correct the behavior of such kids.
Usually parents with such kids are busy pursuing the finer points of life, and have no knowledge/desire to discipline their children, and we may all agree it is very sad and pathetic.
I know you don't want to have kids of your own for now, due to the "evidence" of bad state of kids these days, but I like to add that the discipline of your kids is entirely in your hands. That's the good news. The not-so-good news is as you may know already, it is no easy feat to balance discipline and love/freedom.
There are parents in SG that are willing to learn/accept the responsibility of disciplining their kids (I like to say I am one of them, and others in this forum like Chin Eng, Andrew too)... but we are in the minority, sadly...
Hopefully this forum can help create awareness of such a need.. -
I think problem is that most parents here are still not very open with getting help with rising their own child as the standard pratice is to bring their children up the way they were brought up and maybe add in afew other points that they think will help.
Thats why we see so many kids misbehaving themselves in the public and parents not correcting them. -
Exactly my motivation for starting this thread.... and thank you for contributing your views...Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Hopefully this forum can help create awareness of such a need.. -
I think everyone's idea of common sense is about the same, but I do not wish to open a can of worms talking about the definition of it.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Learning from the experts does not mean that you give up "common sense". What it means is that, you might rather not trust your common sense or modify your common sense if your common sense conflicts with the recommendation of the experts.
ditto "parenting advice from the old"
ditto "Love"
What is love? If what you think is the "loving thing to do" and that harms the child according to the experts, will you still go with "love"? Will you not modify your "loving"?
Like the "lock up the child together with you" "to deprive the child of the attention it seeks" recommendation by the experts... sure, it is distressing for the child... but is letting the child suffer some distress, "loving" or not letting the child suffer any distress "loving"?
If the child is suffering from pain or sickness and making a nuisance of itself, should you similarly lock up the child? Should the parent "slap" the child for making a nuisance of itself because of pain or sickness?
The technique "lock up the child to deprive it of the attention it seeks" is a technique that parents can now consider because they "have knowledge of it".
The parent can then use it when the child starts making a nuisance of itself screaming and shouting in the department store because the parent refused to buy it the toy it wants. The parent can scream back at the child or try to talk to the child "nicely" and if the child refuse to stop making a nuisance of himself, the parent now has another "method" up his sleeve.
If the parent never heard of this "technique" how can the parent know that he can "to lock the child up in the toilet cubicle together with the child"?
The knowledge empowers the parent. Parents, get the knowledge.
Taking a long term view, if the love I dish out harms the child long term, according to the experts, I will modify my behaviour accordingly.
Letting the child suffer some distress depends on whether the child experiences trauma or not. Again, that depends on what the expert thinks. I used to dish the cane when my child is 1-2 years old, and I have learnt since not to use it.
I agree that parents should get as much knowledge as possible.
The danger is we shouldn't follow blindly the teachings of others, but to learn to use our instincts and common sense.. I think all of us are "human" enough to know that we are not delusional, and sometimes following the teachings of others blindly can lead to imbalance. That's why there are religious fanatics in this world who are highly educated but are influenced wrongly because they have no moral compass. -
Agreed. I was brought up with the cane, and plenty of scoldings. And I like to think it could be better.Originally posted by MiX Metal:I think problem is that most parents here are still not very open with getting help with rising their own child as the standard pratice is to bring their children up the way they were brought up and maybe add in afew other points that they think will help.
Thats why we see so many kids misbehaving themselves in the public and parents not correcting them.
I remember telling myself I must use the cane on my child, if he is naughty.
But looking back, reading about parenting and watching supernanny helps me to teach my child better.
Now I aim to learn as much as possible about parenting...
My son doesn't fear me as much as I fear my dad.
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yeah and when you point out the bad behaviour to the kids, the parents react so negatively.Originally posted by MiX Metal:I think problem is that most parents here are still not very open with getting help with rising their own child as the standard pratice is to bring their children up the way they were brought up and maybe add in afew other points that they think will help.
Thats why we see so many kids misbehaving themselves in the public and parents not correcting them.
my MIL disciplined the BIL son. My BIL blew his top and storm off. So you think I even dare to touch the precious darlings. Then my SIL cane the daughter, I do not know why. The MIL told her to stop canning the girl and will call the police the next time. So you think I even dare to interferre? Obviously the kids are making full use of the opportunity loh. -
Actually from my experience, it is possible to be your kid's best friend and teacher/parent/disciplinarian. You just need to know what to do and when to do it.Originally posted by mistyblue:Well, I do not think its my job to go and learn and teach when the parents cannot be bothered. I do not believe parents are to be the kid's playmate and best friend. The parent should be a parent.
The last thing you should do is become to your kids "public enemy number one" or "old foggies with ancient concepts and ideas".
Unfortunately you need a lot of time to explain your positions and gain their trust and friendship and time is something Singapore parents do not have. The present gahmen wants to extend people's retirement age some more! CRAPZ
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There's lots more bad parents than I care to tell. I have a colleague who rather work till 10pm and not go home to her 2 kids. The way she deals with me, the lack of patience, and care. Her aggressive and over ambitious and insecure attitude, tells me something about her kids.
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Your BIL may not like the way your MIL discipline his son.Originally posted by mistyblue:yeah and when you point out the bad behaviour to the kids, the parents react so negatively.
my MIL disciplined the BIL son. My BIL blew his top and storm off. So you think I even dare to touch the precious darlings. Then my SIL cane the daughter, I do not know why. The MIL told her to stop canning the girl and will call the police the next time. So you think I even dare to interferre? Obviously the kids are making full use of the opportunity loh.
But if one chooses to put the kids in a particular place/school, one has to live with it sometimes, and that includes accepting their mode of discipline.
When your SIL canes her daughter, it's wrong for MIL to interfere, because according to what I read before, 2 contradicting opinions in full view of the kids teach the kids nothing, and as u say, they learn to work around.
What your BIL/SIL needs is to accept that they need to discipline their kids, and to learn how to discipline them.
It's still not too late, when they are below 12. -
Thats how I was brought up too ......Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Agreed. I was brought up with the cane, and plenty of scoldings. And I like to think it could be better.
and much worst, I've even been caned infront of my whole class by my parents back when I was in primary school. ...... I hated my parents back then but we've talk about it and made up 
..... and I told myself that I'll never do that to my own kids. -
I think that you can stop using the cane because you know what else you can do besides using the cane. Some people have no idea what else they can do and or they simply write off expert advice and simply cling on to their own "beliefs and delusions".Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Again, that depends on what the expert thinks. I used to dish the cane when my child is 1-2 years old, and I have learnt since not to use it.
I always ask parents I know what they do if the child does not listen after the caning? Cane harder? and if they still do not listen, cane until they bleed?
Many parents I realise, just simply ignore the problem and refuse to admit that their child has not learnt anything from the caning and is doing the same nonsense over and over again. They simply cane every time the child is up to his nonsense instead of helping the child to change his behavior and solve the problem at the root. -
She needs a dose of this forum.Originally posted by mistyblue:There's lots more bad parents than I care to tell. I have a colleague who rather work till 10pm and not go home to her 2 kids. The way she deals with me, the lack of patience, and care. Her aggressive and over ambitious and insecure attitude, tells me something about her kids.
Orh well, maybe she needs a virtual overhaul of herself.. -
Originally posted by MiX Metal:
Great you learn the "opposite" thing.
Thats how I was brought up too ...... and much worst, I've even been caned infront of my whole class by my parents back when I was in primary school . ...... I hated my parents back then but we've talk about it and made up ..... and I told myself that I'll never do that to my own kids.
When I was 5-6, I was caned in the market one Sunday morning by my dad.
A lot of aunties/ah pors were watching...
Some nodded their head vigorously in agreement at my misfortune, while others told my dad to stop... those were the days...
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Yup, experts have said that caning teaches nothing, because only the instant pain is registered in the child's mind, and he learns nothing.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:I think that you can stop using the cane because you know what else you can do besides using the cane. Some people have no idea what else they can do and or they simply write off expert advice and simply cling on to their own "beliefs and delusions".
I always ask parents I know what they do if the child does not listen after the caning? Cane harder? and if they still do not listen, cane until they bleed?
Many parents I realise, just simply ignore the problem and refuse to admit that their child has not learnt anything from the caning and is doing the same nonsense over and over again. They simply cane every time the child is up to his nonsense instead of helping the child to change his behavior and solve the problem at the root.
I don't remember learning anything after my caning sessions.
All I know is that it is painful. -
I am the one who will choose never to interfere or teach the 2 kids. Already I quarrel with my husband over them. The 2 kids give me so much issues. So I really don't like to have them around. And the parents like that, the grandparents like that.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Your BIL may not like the way your MIL discipline his son.
But if one chooses to put the kids in a particular place/school, one has to live with it sometimes, and that includes accepting their mode of discipline.
When your SIL canes her daughter, it's wrong for MIL to interfere, because according to what I read before, 2 contradicting opinions in full view of the kids teach the kids nothing, and as u say, they learn to work around.
What your BIL/SIL needs is to accept that they need to discipline their kids, and to learn how to discipline them.
It's still not too late, when they are below 12.
My policy: Keep Quiet, Keep out, Don't care even if they tear down my house. They are not my kids. -
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
I think delusions is too strong a word...
I think that you can stop using the cane because you know what else you can do besides using the cane. Some people have no idea what else they can do and or they simply write off expert advice and simply cling on to their own "beliefs and delusions".
I always ask parents I know what they do if the child does not listen after the caning? Cane harder? and if they still do not listen, cane until they bleed?
Many parents I realise, just simply ignore the problem and refuse to admit that their child has not learnt anything from the caning and is doing the same nonsense over and over again. They simply cane every time the child is up to his nonsense instead of helping the child to change his behavior and solve the problem at the root.
I would say ignorance is a better word.
But we cannot know everything under the sun, from A to Z, about all aspects of life... can we?
Therefore I like to say ignorance is not a sin. Rather it is just a state of affairs. -
Har har! From the way she back stab me and her insecurities. She needs more than forum. Anyways, its also no my problem and I think the kids are better off without her around them.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:She needs a dose of this forum.
Orh well, maybe she needs a virtual overhaul of herself.. -
It depends on how much you can take really.Originally posted by mistyblue:I am the one who will choose never to interfere or teach the 2 kids. Already I quarrel with my husband over them. The 2 kids give me so much issues. So I really don't like to have them around. And the parents like that, the grandparents like that.
My policy: Keep Quiet, Keep out, Don't care even if they tear down my house. They are not my kids.
I would think setting ground rules help, but I guess that takes authority, and perhaps closing one eye is better. -
Good one...Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:All I know is that it is painful.
Parent: "Have you learnt anything from the caning?"
Child: "Yes"
Parent: "Good."
If only the parent had continued asking:
Parent: "What was the lesson you learnt?"
Child: "Caning is painful?"
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and this is what I meant by "the delusions in their heads"Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Good one...
Parent: "Have you learnt anything from the caning?"
Child: "Yes"
Parent: "Good"
If only the parent had continued asking:
Parent: "What was the lesson you learnt?"
Child: "Caning is painful?"
They are deluded if they think that the child learnt anything positive from their caning.... There are many examples of such delusions in people's heads. -
My job is to pay for the house. I don't use any facilities except my room and my toilet. My only job is to clean the house once a week. My HB told me that he will not and cannot change any behaviours and so I should let everyone do as they please.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:It depends on how much you can take really.
I would think setting ground rules help, but I guess that takes authority, and perhaps closing one eye is better.
So no support. Better shut the f up. Already every day quarrel. Stress from work. Stress at home. I rather not care and let everything just collaspe. -
Your own children is hard enough... I don't think there is anything that you can do about other people's children...Originally posted by mistyblue:My job is to pay for the house. I don't use any facilities except my room and my toilet. My only job is to clean the house once a week. My HB told me that he will not and cannot change any behaviours and so I should let everyone do as they please.
So no support. Better shut the f up. Already every day quarrel. Stress from work. Stress at home. I rather not care and let everything just collaspe.
Why are you in agony over the situation? Have you not come to accept it?