Good Parenting Skills-Eastern/Western
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Summary:Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:parents should ... constantly learn and improve.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:parents might have no idea what works and what does not. They might run out of ideas as to what they should do. That is why it is so important to learn from the experts and get some tips from them.
What "bad" behavior can parents expect from their children? How to prevent them?
That is where learning from the experts come in handy. Some people had spent time and effort to think through all the issues, and might as well learn from them instead of acting based on your own "beliefs and delusions" or running out of ideas altogether.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:I wish to emphasize that EXECUTION of techniques is far more complex than simply understanding the theory....Originally posted by MiX Metal:I think you misunderstood me. What I meant to say is that Learning from experts is a good thing, but as there are alot of different techniques given and every technique works differently on each child as what I've said in my previous post that some requires a soft touch and others the "locking up method" that you've mention.
Therefore I feel that after reading books from experts, parents should also make the effort to understand their child so that they'll not use the wrong technique on their child.
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can don't accept? These kids are there 7 days a week. 365 days a year. I avoid them, stay in room. Work late etcOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:Your own children is hard enough... I don't think there is anything that you can do about other people's children...
Why are you in agony over the situation? Have you not come to accept it? -
I mean, you seem to be still "sore" about the situation... the bad feelings... you seem unable to let go of the bad feelings...Originally posted by mistyblue:can don't accept? These kids are there 7 days a week. 365 days a year. I avoid them, stay in room. Work late etc
Maybe you should make an effort in this direction one way or another to remove the "bad feelings" out of your system... you cannot know or perceive the consequences of such bad vibes... -
I already know the consequence. I am viewed as a destroyer of their good family life - my HB repeat this so many times - I literally took it out on my pictures - drew horns on my head. Would you not be sore when the parents rather go shopping and spend weekends making more little monsters and dump the kids in your house because MIL will take care of them. Then HB will go play with them all the time. He works shift and I hardly see him. When he is back and there are kids, he puts all the time on them. You think how I feel. I might as well not get married. I am like a bank account and maid. To provide for everyone. Get nothing back, except abuse. This is my destiny. Its not easy to accept. How can you accept this to be the only lot? I would not but I can only feel bitter. I am trying to change and do my own stuff outside or whatever - cause i cannot care anymore what everyone wants to do.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:I mean, you seem to be still "sore" about the situation... the bad feelings... you seem unable to let go of the bad feelings...
Maybe you should make an effort in this direction one way or another to remove the "bad feelings" out of your system... you cannot know or perceive the consequences of such bad vibes... -
Accepting with resentment, and accepting with positive outlook is two different things..Originally posted by mistyblue:My job is to pay for the house. I don't use any facilities except my room and my toilet. My only job is to clean the house once a week. My HB told me that he will not and cannot change any behaviours and so I should let everyone do as they please.
So no support. Better shut the f up. Already every day quarrel. Stress from work. Stress at home. I rather not care and let everything just collaspe.
The first can boil over into drastic acts, while the second retains inner peace.
Have you considered refuge into a religion of your choice?
It helps immensely sometimes. -
forget it lah. I am thinking of removing myself. religion cannot help.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Accepting with resentment, and accepting with positive outlook is two different things..
The first can boil over into drastic acts, while the second retains inner peace.
Have you considered refuge into a religion of your choice?
It helps immensely sometimes.
What positive outlook can I get? That they will go up and keep coming back? They will regard me as their aunt and no some one who cleans up after everyone? Or that I will be the one to pay for the next bigger car so as to fetch their family around? What do I get out of all these?
Religion cannot help. I can choose to change myself but for what. How many times have I got to change so that other people can continue to step all over me. How much do I need to bend over backwards before I snap and maybe run into incoming traffic?
Its Ok when HB is supporting. When HB only support his family. I am srewed the day I got married. Anyways, its always regret. -
It is perfectly reasonable to feel bitter. Nobody can deny you your feelings..Originally posted by mistyblue:I already know the consequence. I am viewed as a destroyer or good family life. Would you not be sore when the parents rather go shopping and spend weekends making more little monsters and dump the kids in your house because MIL will take care of them. Then HB will go play with them all the time. He works shift and I hardly see him. When he is back and there are kids, he puts all the time on them. You think how I feel. I might as well not get married. I am like a bank account and maid. To provide for everyone. Get nothing back, except abuse. This is my destiny. Its not easy to accept. How can you accept this to be the only lot? I would not but I can only feel bitter. I am trying to change and do my own stuff outside or whatever - cause i cannot care anymore what everyone wants to do.
I know you mentioned things can be worked out with your hubby, instead of the divorce route. I think a reasonable first step is to let your hubby understand that you need his time. Put it across reasonably, he will understand.
Granted, he is helping his mum out in relieving her of the "burden". Maybe that's a promise he gave her.
I know this sounds stupid because you resent the kids, but maybe you both can bring the kids to the movies.. at least, there's some coupletime to steal from those moments.
A step back, two steps forward... is the first step to winning...
Hope that helps.. -
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Good one...
Parent: "Have you learnt anything from the caning?"
Child: "Yes"
Parent: "Good?"
If only the parent had continued asking:
Parent: "What was the lesson you learnt?"
Child: "Caning is painful?"
good one ! -
so what are experts.....?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:That is where learning from the experts come in handy. Some people had spent time and effort to think through all the issues, and might as well learn from them instead of acting based on your own "beliefs and delusions" or running out of ideas altogether.
if, say, someone you know has done the above (short of writing a book - sarcasm unintended) he is an expert......
but because there is no hard facts ie qualifications, credentials to officially recognise the expertise, wouldn't you say then, the credentials are the children?
that being the case, in the first place, these people who "had spent time and effort to think through all the issues" stuck through their beliefs and were successful in raising kids, how the delusional part come in...?
seems that you are quite attached the word "delusional".... -
Originally posted by mistyblue:
I feel you are already near snapping point, and that cannot be good.
forget it lah. I am thinking of removing myself. religion cannot help.
What positive outlook can I get? That they will go up and keep coming back? They will regard me as their aunt and no some one who cleans up after everyone? Or that I will be the one to pay for the next bigger car so as to fetch their family around? What do I get out of all these?
Religion cannot help. I can choose to change myself but for what . How many times have I got to change so that other people can continue to step all over me. How much do I need to bend over backwards before I snap and maybe run into incoming traffic?
Its Ok when HB is supporting. When HB only support his family. I am srewed the day I got married. Anyways, its always regret.
You can choose to change yourself, for your own happiness.
Religion gives one the inner strength and courage to smile in the face of difficulties, and to stop people from stepping over oneself without any need for retaliation.
For a start, it's good to read about Mother Teresa, and Mahatma Gandhi.
You underestimate your own power to change things and people around you, not meaning to sound ridiculous.
Your time is not up yet, so don't think of running into incoming traffic.
In any case, separation may be a first step to reconcilation or divorce, whichever leads to a better life. -
help has a limit.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:It is perfectly reasonable to feel bitter. Nobody can deny you your feelings..
I know you mentioned things can be worked out with your hubby, instead of the divorce route. I think a reasonable first step is to let your hubby understand that you need his time. Put it across reasonably, he will understand.
Granted, he is helping his mum out in relieving her of the "burden". Maybe that's a promise he gave her.
I know this sounds stupid because you resent the kids, but maybe you both can bring the kids to the movies.. at least, there's some coupletime to steal from those moments.
A step back, two steps forward... is the first step to winning...
Hope that helps..
i ask my HB if he consider counseling. He flat refused. I feel sad thinking about some job issues. Or I make negative comments about anything, job, TV or any f-thing. He tell me to stop and not talk. I cannot have a black face from bad day. I must act like clown or everyone thinks I am angry with them. I cannot feel unwell or sick because he does not believe it. Anything I do will affect his mood for the day. But he is for most days, most times, moody and black faced. I still have to remain cheerful otherwise it will make his day worse and then I am to be blamed. Anyways, like I say, regret.
Take them for movies. These kids cannot behave and stand still for one moment. Their own parents don't even want to bring them along when they go shopping. When these kids go out, the MIL must tag along to take care of them both. Bring them out on my own? To be responsible for them? Tough job even their parents reject. -
while it has already been established that I am a parent, unfortunately numerous questions directed at andrew on his status remains unanswered.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:There are parents in SG that are willing to learn/accept the responsibility of disciplining their kids (I like to say I am one of them, and others in this forum like Chin Eng, Andrew too)... but we are in the minority, sadly.....
so andrew boy, are you a parent, if so how may children? -
personally i think your husband is a wussy..... seems he does not want to take steps to solve problems or he is pretending that the problems do not exist.Originally posted by mistyblue:help has a limit.
i ask my HB if he consider counseling. He flat refused. I feel sad thinking about some job issues. Or I make negative comments about anything, job, TV or any f-thing. He tell me to stop and not talk. I cannot have a black face from bad day. I must act like clown or everyone thinks I am angry with them. I cannot feel unwell or sick because he does not believe it. Anything I do will affect his mood for the day. But he is for most days, most times, moody and black faced. I still have to remain cheerful otherwise it will make his day worse and then I am to be blamed. Anyways, like I say, regret.
Take them for movies. These kids cannot behave and stand still for one moment. Their own parents don't even want to bring them along when they go shopping. When these kids go out, the MIL must tag along to take care of them both. Bring them out on my own? To be responsible for them? Tough job even their parents reject.
unfortunately, marriage is a two-party institution. if one party does not want the problem resolved, there is very little the other can do..... till breaking point. -
Originally posted by Chin Eng:
I think this is subjective, and one must trust one's own judgement here on the credibility of experts, and again this may start another argument about how to judge the credibility of experts.
so what are experts.....?
if, say, someone you know has done the above (short of writing a book - sarcasm unintended) he is an expert......
but because there is no hard facts ie qualifications, credentials to officially recognise the expertise, wouldn't you say then, the credentials are the children?
that being the case, in the first place, these people who "had spent time and effort to think through all the issues" stuck through their beliefs and were successful in raising kids, how the delusional part come in...?
seems that you are quite attached the word "delusional"....
One good example : John Gray, the author of Mars/Venus series.
Critics say his methods are too general, and one outspoken critic even goes to question his Ph.D. Evidently, his Ph.D is from the equivalent of some ahbeng university. You may want to check this out : http://www.rickross.com/reference/gray/gray6.html
I personally like John Gray's ideas, but after taking into account the views of his critics, I also agree that his ideas are somewhat shallow and overgeneral.
Am I being deluded? -
don't know, after all I am not the judge here....Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Am I being deluded?
on one hand, the experts seem to be academic people, on the other, experts can be people who had thought through everything..... but the concept is mind boggling because people who thought through everything may have nothing to refer to other than own common sense... so are these also delusional too???? -
Well, personally, I think counselling will definitely help. Why don't you ask him again? You can put it in a extremely nice way, and maybe dangle some carrots.Originally posted by mistyblue:help has a limit.
i ask my HB if he consider counseling. He flat refused. I feel sad thinking about some job issues. Or I make negative comments about anything, job, TV or any f-thing. He tell me to stop and not talk. I cannot have a black face from bad day. I must act like clown or everyone thinks I am angry with them. I cannot feel unwell or sick because he does not believe it. Anything I do will affect his mood for the day. But he is for most days, most times, moody and black faced. I still have to remain cheerful otherwise it will make his day worse and then I am to be blamed. Anyways, like I say, regret.
Take them for movies. These kids cannot behave and stand still for one moment. Their own parents don't even want to bring them along when they go shopping. When these kids go out, the MIL must tag along to take care of them both. Bring them out on my own? To be responsible for them? Tough job even their parents reject.
It sounds like he's rather weak. But all hope is not lost. If he agrees to go to counselling, I think things will improve dramatically!
Maybe you and your hubby can bring only one of the kids, whoever behaves better. One at a time. Sometimes kids, being ridded of their troublemaking gang members, sober up.
The thing is if you help bring one of them out, you can spend time with ur hubby, and he is not guilty of not helping his mom take care of them. -
Originally posted by Chin Eng:don't know, after all I am not the judge here....
on one hand, the experts seem to be academic people, on the other, experts can be people who had thought through everything..... but the concept is mind boggling because people who thought through everything may have nothing to refer to other than own common sense... so are these also delusional too????
The irony is academic people like to attack one another on differences on opinion.. leaving laypeople confused.
At the end of the day, everything in this world is what we see through our eyes. One's own experiences will always seem "more" real... but again, this is very subjective. -
yup I agree.... but we have been time again, "encouraged" to consult experts, yet the definition of who an expert is, remains elusive.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:I think this is subjective, and one must trust one's own judgement here on the credibility of experts, and again this may start another argument about how to judge the credibility of experts.
so, all said and done, is it not possible that there exist some of us who have thought through everything and has the answer that will solve the problems in our lives... "unlikely" as it may seem.....
I would not call myself an expert (because I am supposed to be deluded), but I have a very closely knitted family and my sons share with me everything that goes on in their lives, yet the remain very independent in their own choices in their lives. Scholastically, they perform within and sometimes behond expectation. Conduct wise, they have constantly been among those who get rated by their teachers as very very good. Both sons represent their schools in some activities and have even gone overseas for their school in a couple of events.... at home they volunteer for chores, my older son and I even share clothes.
So does that make me an expert? May be not yet..... -
every 3 days I think divorce. he has told me that if he divorce, he will go and play with every woman out there and it will be all my fault. I feel that its his life, he can go out and play with all the women out there and I cannot care.
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Originally posted by Chin Eng:
I would say experiences count for a lot, such as yours. After all, Bill Gates didn't finish his degree in Harvard but has substantial experience running the world's largest software company (in terms of revenue).
yup I agree.... but we have been time again, "encouraged" to consult experts, yet the definition of who an expert is, remains elusive.
so, all said and done, is it not possible that there exist some of us who have thought through everything and has the answer that will solve the problems in our lives... "unlikely" as it may seem.....
I would not call myself an expert (because I am supposed to be deluded), but I have a very closely knitted family and my sons share with me everything that goes on in their lives, yet the remain very independent in their own choices in their lives. Scholastically, they perform within and sometimes behond expectation. Conduct wise, they have constantly been among those who get rated by their teachers as very very good. Both sons represent their schools in some activities and have even gone overseas for their school in a couple of events.... at home they volunteer for chores, my older son and I even share clothes.
So does that make me an expert? May be not yet.....
and I would say you are doing a lot of things right to develop such a close knitted family... and that you can afford yourself to share some of your invaluable advice, if you wish.
Good for you! -
I really feel for you.Originally posted by mistyblue:every 3 days I think divorce. he has told me that if he divorce, he will go and play with every woman out there and it will be all my fault. I feel that its his life, he can go out and play with all the women out there and I cannot care.
...but the reality is - if you get a divorce, whatever he wants to do with his life is nothing to do with you... (note that I am not encouraging divorce)
have you consider going to AWARE for some counselling? It's the women's movement in singapore (sorry, not sure what is the full name).
while divorce is not the option I'd encourage, it does, however, seem to be only viable option. -
Oh dear...Originally posted by mistyblue:every 3 days I think divorce. he has told me that if he divorce, he will go and play with every woman out there and it will be all my fault. I feel that its his life, he can go out and play with all the women out there and I cannot care.
But hang on, if you divorce each other, you are agreeing to not agree/disagree on anything in your lives already.
What has it got to do with you, if he plays with every woman out there, if they wish to be with him?
After all, if he needs sex, he has a right to find other women. It can't be your fault...
If he needs someone to blame for his troubles, he can find another wife, not that he needs to tell you, or you need to care.
Well, you can tell him, divorce doesn't mean continuing to blame each other. It means you can let him go, and he can let you go.
I think separation might be a good idea to see if living independently is the best solution for you, and him. -
I'd be happy to, unfortunately being labelled as delusional wasn't the goal I set myself up to meet each day.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:and I would say you are doing a lot of things right to develop such a close knitted family... and that you can afford yourself to share some of your invaluable advice, if you wish.
incidentally, my sons occasionally read what I write here..... and is aware of the kind of "emotions" that go on among some members. -
I agree with Chin Eng.Originally posted by Chin Eng:I really feel for you.
...but the reality is - if you get a divorce, whatever he wants to do with his life is nothing to do with you... (note that I am not encouraging divorce)
have you consider going to AWARE for some counselling? It's the women's movement in singapore (sorry, not sure what is the full name).
while divorce is not the option I'd encourage, it does, however, seem to be only viable option.
Does AWARE provide such services? That would be great.
I like to quickly add that I don't encourage separation/divorce too... counselling is the best solution..
And maintaining status quo is not very emotionally/physically healthy for you... You may snap and hurt someone or yourself. -
After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.