Oh come on, the good news is you don't have kids... a break would be a clean break.Originally posted by mistyblue:After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.
Originally posted by mistyblue:Failure is the mother of success.
After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.
my dear,Originally posted by mistyblue:After considering that HB has already to deal with his beloved mother and listen to her endless complains. He already has his hands full with his beloved mother, BIL kids and whatever work problems. He effectively has a wonderful family. He had no intention to start a new one with me. I was expected to join the existing and change myself to fit. For the past year, I only hear what I failed to do, what I never do correctly, what I should do/act so as to make everyone happy, etc. I felt demonized for creating such unhappiness in his family. So I want to move out. It was viewed negatively. Its a situation where everything I do is wrong. I considered sucide. Then I consider divorce. I considered everything. sadly, we have only married 1 year. What a failure.
I think you have very much made up your mind about your options, it's just indecision now...Originally posted by mistyblue:Except for counseling. Letter wrote - negative effect. Talking - negative effect. Well. by the time he think for months later, and want to try counseling, I would have given up and trying to move on. I should not have married him.
I feel that your husband's priority is his own mom.... and everything that he does surrounds that one individual. Unfortunately because of that he's dug a hole and shove his head into it. He is not able to take ownership of his own life and his inability to make strong and clear decisions is dragging everybody down.HB made it clear. Wife can be changed anytime. Mother is for lifetime.
that being the case, honey.... time to move on....Originally posted by mistyblue:HB made it clear. Wife can be changed anytime. Mother is for lifetime.
How nice. He should married his mother and not waste my time.
Thank you. I don't see another way out except once again for me to change and change and change and change. I am tired of change. I am tired of accepting and accepting and accepting. I am tired of him and his family and making way for everyone and everyone making way for me and everyone seem unhappy and I am the cause for all their unhappiness. My MIL teach the grandkids that i am unhappy with them and they would tell my MIL/HB they want to pretend to go home so that they can pretend not to be around. Of course my HB flare. Then I feel no point to be around. What for? Cause more unhappiness?Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:I think you have very much made up your mind about your options, it's just indecision now...
take care..
A lot of divorcees are physically divorced, but not emotionally divorced from their ex-spouses.Originally posted by mistyblue:HB made it clear. Wife can be changed anytime. Mother is for lifetime.
How nice. He should married his mother and not waste my time.
I see...Originally posted by mistyblue:Thank you. I don't see another way out except once again for me to change and change and change and change. I am tired of change. I am tired of accepting and accepting and accepting. I am tired of him and his family and making way for everyone and everyone making way for me and everyone seem unhappy and I am the cause for all their unhappiness. My MIL teach the grandkids that i am unhappy with them and they would tell my MIL/HB they want to pretend to go home so that they can pretend not to be around. Of course my HB flare. Then I feel no point to be around. What for? Cause more unhappiness?
Clarification:Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:So is he advocating that people learn from the experts or not? That people learn from the experts or go with "a big dose of common sense and love"?
Or is he suggesting to "learn from the experts but make sure you learn the lessons well or else don't learn"? What? Learn or don't learn?
to him and his family, its good riddance and what a relief. I am sure everyone will be celebrating.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:I have a hunch that your husband will regret the divorce/separation, if any..
Where else can one find a submissive wife which can handle the crap?
It might be a good wake-up call for him though, if u separate.
maybe everyone except your husband.Originally posted by mistyblue:to him and his family, its good riddance and what a relief. I am sure everyone will be celebrating.
And actually I feel very sorry for ur hubby, because I have known two guys who are divorced... and in both cases, their ex-wives cannot get along with their PILs.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:maybe everyone except your husband.
If he would be the truly celebrating type, he will have divorced you already for making his family unhappy.
Outwardly, he may be celebrating, but inside, he will feel downright miserable and not sure who to blame.
Maybe he cannot even blame himself because ur MIL has told him not to..
I agree.... its your husband that fails you by not making the effort to see things from your shoes.Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Oh come on, the good news is you don't have kids... a break would be a clean break.
Your task is made hard by the whole situation, and you need not take the whole blame for it, even if the whole family wishes you to. And of course it is human nature to blame others.
The way I see it.. your husband has failed in his duty.
He may be a model worker, a filial son, a good brother, but he is a really bad husband.
We are judged by our differing roles in society, and we sometimes struggle to do all of them well. After all, some murderers are doting fathers/husbands and filial sons.
Men are stewards of their wife's love... He is guilty of not cherishing you... The vows sg couples made in ROM covers that aspect, isn't it? (Not that I can remember all of it)
He is to be reminded, by you or by counsellors, of his role as a husband. If he fails to see that he needs to fulfill that role (if he feels too stressed by that possibility of fulfilling that role amidst his brotherly, son, and work duties), then I think the choice is clear.
Having said that, I think you still can talk to him about counselling.
Failing that, if you want to move out, of course it would be viewed negatively, because it reflects badly on them. Imagine what the neighbours would say about them...
But you need to do what you are required to do to gain your own happiness.
I think it has come to a point that you should force your husband to sit down and listen to what you have to say about everything that you've gone through and how it is affecting you emotionally.Originally posted by mistyblue:Thank you. I don't see another way out except once again for me to change and change and change and change. I am tired of change. I am tired of accepting and accepting and accepting. I am tired of him and his family and making way for everyone and everyone making way for me and everyone seem unhappy and I am the cause for all their unhappiness. My MIL teach the grandkids that i am unhappy with them and they would tell my MIL/HB they want to pretend to go home so that they can pretend not to be around. Of course my HB flare. Then I feel no point to be around. What for? Cause more unhappiness?
Originally posted by mistyblue:He says that because he loves you... and that he wants you to be happy, otherwise he will feel like a failure...
oh, he will make sure he waste as many women as possible to get back at me loh.
I told him, I cannot be responsible for his actions.
he told me his happiness is dependent on whether i am happy, therefore I make him happy.
I told him. I cannot guarantee that I am happy all the time. In addition, happiness is not external. Its internal in him. if he feels happy about the situation, even if I am not happy because of a bad day at work. it should not affect him. why it does, i don't understand.
I told him that when he talks about issues or what I done wrong, I felt that he is giving me a performance apprasial. Like my ex-boss who will use "failure" in almost ever sentence he say to me and he used political force to transfer me to a admin job with sever pay cut. failure at work, failure at home. There is no positive re-inforcements just a full list of consistent failures after failures. I know we quarreled. He counted every single one of them, I never kept count. Till it hit home that I should count them as failures. what more. all i can feel when i travel home is not that I am glad the day is over, but I have to start work all over at home.
I realised that I don't communicate well and that had keep a key issue for myself to improve. So because I tend to keep things to myself, many people see it as opportunity to treat me like a doormat and back stab me. I know all that. I know it all and I know its part of my up bringing that I am like this but I also want to change. Its not easy.
I want to think for awhile and decide.
I agree its not easy but I also believe that if you give yourself the chance, you can do it.Originally posted by mistyblue:I realised that I don't communicate well and that had keep a key issue for myself to improve. So because I tend to keep things to myself, many people see it as opportunity to treat me like a doormat and back stab me. I know all that. I know it all and I know its part of my up bringing that I am like this but I also want to change. Its not easy.
I second that, yes, you can do it!!Originally posted by MiX Metal:I agree its not easy but I also believe that if you give yourself the chance, you can do it.