my boyfriend and me
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a full spa treatment with massage therapy music will be good to de-stress..Originally posted by galfriend:my boyfriend always tell me about other people's problems, especially after a good night out.
manyatimes, we are out to chill out after a hard and stressful days from work. and towards the end of the night, and we are both happy, finally forgotten about all the worries and stress about work and many others, he tells me his worries about others, like his friends who quarrelled and etc.
tonight he tells me again. been having very stressful and political working environment for months. after a hard day of work, we went to chill out. had fun and was happy. on the way home, he tells me about his sister's problems. i was so sian. after hearing, i told him, how much can you worry? before anyone breakdown, you'll be the first to breakdown, or maybe me. cos he has his own problems to worries and others' problems. cos i have to worry about my own problems, his problems, now i m burdened by his worries of others problems. i wasnt happy. and he said, maybe i shouldnt tell you so much.
i m so vexed, cos i really wake up to all reality, all the stress of life and work, after much effort (ie one whole nite's effort to relax). what should i do?
i saw from TV that got 1 spa in Paragon which cost about $135++ for about 4hrs if not a whole day..but they only accept it based on Appts...
have to call up and book first.
but not sure if the price is still the same etc.. -
At least he confides in you rather than another girl.Originally posted by galfriend:but i am already so burdened, by his problems and my problems. how much more of other's peopls' problems can i be burdened?
Just lend him a listening ear.
If he whines too much, then tell him u don't like it.
Another solution- ask him to post his problems here, then everyone can give him advice.
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Yes, i agree i would rather he shares his problems with me than any others, and i wanna share his problems too. but why must everynight end that day, either with our own problems or others' problems? Cant we go home peacefully and happily after a night out?Originally posted by gerrykoh:At least he confides in you rather than another girl.
Just lend him a listening ear.
If he whines too much, then tell him u don't like it.
Another solution- ask him to post his problems here, then everyone can give him advice. -
cant u switch topics to something happy?Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, i agree i would rather he shares his problems with me than any others, and i wanna share his problems too. but why must everynight end that day, either with our own problems or others' problems?
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When your bf/gf wanna tell you what is in there mind, is it good to switch topic? wouldnt he feel neglected?Originally posted by InnoHippo:cant u switch topics to something happy? -
If it is regarding himself or yourself.. it is naturally not nice to switch topic.Originally posted by galfriend:When your bf/gf wanna tell you what is in there mind, is it good to switch topic? wouldnt he feel neglected?
But if it is about someone else's problem which does not involve him, it wouldn't be neglect for not listening to him.
You should also let him know that it is not very polite of him to be talking about other people's problem. He may have the privilege information, and he shouldn't go telling someone else.
In other words, your bf is gossiping to you.
Now imagine if your own family members or friends knows about some of your problem, and they in turn go tell someone else about it. Isn't it gossiping about you ????
If he really MUST gossip about other people... Just set aside some nights, say a wednesday/friday nights for him to rant and gossip. On those nights, promise him you will listen with both ears fully open. -
Actually he is not gossiping, he is genuinely concerned about them. Actually i dont mind offering him a listening ear, but it seems too frequent. Like last night, after we talk about our day (including concerns and problems) we were chilling out listening to music, and he starts frowning thinking aobut one of his friends. then i told him, there is a time to think, a time to work, a time to worry, but there should also be a time to enjoy and relax. he managed to not think about that. but later, again with his sister's problems after a great night. it was such a spoiler and brought me back to this stressful and worry-loaded world.Originally posted by jojobeach:If it is regarding himself or yourself.. it is naturally not nice to switch topic.
But if it is about someone else's problem which does not involve him, it wouldn't be neglect for not listening to him.
You should also let him know that it is not very polite of him to be talking about other people's problem. He may have the privilege information, and he shouldn't go telling someone else.
In other words, your bf is gossiping to you.
Now imagine if your own family members or friends knows about some of your problem, and they in turn go tell someone else about it. Isn't it gossiping about you ????
If he really MUST gossip about other people... Just set aside some nights, say a wednesday/friday nights for him to rant and gossip. On those nights, promise him you will listen with both ears fully open.
sigh
today i woke up, not feeling like seeing him or talking to him. i felt good after the rest, but thinking of interacting with him makes me think of all the problems again. i dont know what to do now. -
His behavior is already affecting the relationship, like it or not.Originally posted by galfriend:Actually he is not gossiping, he is genuinely concerned about them. Actually i dont mind offering him a listening ear, but it seems too frequent. Like last night, after we talk about our day (including concerns and problems) we were chilling out listening to music, and he starts frowning thinking aobut one of his friends. then i told him, there is a time to think, a time to work, a time to worry, but there should also be a time to enjoy and relax. he managed to not think about that. but later, again with his sister's problems after a great night. it was such a spoiler and brought me back to this stressful and worry-loaded world.
sigh
today i woke up, not feeling like seeing him or talking to him. i felt good after the rest, but thinking of interacting with him makes me think of all the problems again. i dont know what to do now.
All those worries, can he solve any of them ?
What is the use of worrying over something he cannot resolve ?
Is his sister's problem a one time thing ?
Is his friend's problem a one time thing ?
It's ok to listen to the problems if you can help him brainstorm for a solution.
The problem with some guys is that, they think telling you those "problem" is a form of communication.... like they have nothing else to talk about, so they bring these up to fill the silence void.
You really need to sit him down and talk to him about this.
A relationship is at stake.
He needs to know you feel burdened with his constant whining.
If he understanding enough.. he'd know it's time to stop. -
Just open ur mouth and tell him that u dun like to listen to other's problem ALL THE TIME when u all are out to chill out. Guy won't know until u tell them... and let him know u are stressful and u just want to relax... he will understand. Remember to apologise for ur straightforwardness after that... to lightened up the mood.Originally posted by galfriend:Actually he is not gossiping, he is genuinely concerned about them. Actually i dont mind offering him a listening ear, but it seems too frequent. Like last night, after we talk about our day (including concerns and problems) we were chilling out listening to music, and he starts frowning thinking aobut one of his friends. then i told him, there is a time to think, a time to work, a time to worry, but there should also be a time to enjoy and relax. he managed to not think about that. but later, again with his sister's problems after a great night. it was such a spoiler and brought me back to this stressful and worry-loaded world.
sigh
today i woke up, not feeling like seeing him or talking to him. i felt good after the rest, but thinking of interacting with him makes me think of all the problems again. i dont know what to do now. -
hi, think of it positively...ur BF is someone who cares alot. That's why he feel for everyone & not knowingly burdens himself.....i see him as someone who'll help others if its within his means.
As his GF, u dun necessarily need to help him shoulder his problems not unless its a problem pertaining to him deirectly. As for the others, you only need to listen, offer him advices & solutions whenever possible.
Who knows, these advices & solutions u offer may one day be applied to you in return. As we are here telling forumites in agony, it doesn't mean that we ourselves are rid of burdens.
I come here offering advices which sometimes i never realised that i could....i too have my fair share of anxieties & worries & i take this opportunity in coming here to share & hopefully learn what i preach to others....
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hi galfriend,
this is what i have to say.
let's think in this way. Be happy that he is telling you things that he is throwing out from his chest. it could be something that is vexing him and he just wish to tell someone and that person is U! if one day he choose not to tell u and he jus staring in blank space.. how will you feel? you ask him what happened and the he jus refuse to tell u..
seriously at that moment, you may feel desperate to noe what is going on (this relationship meant alot to you) or basically you cant be bothered (he is not the one for you).
I have been through that cause when i told my ex about probs. she jus brush me off and then i realise she dun lurve me anymore when she jus cant be bothered about me when i saw in blank air. she broke up with me eventually with a stupid excuse.
at times, it's really too much for a guy to go out on a date and making it sour at the end. really bad. i guess in a r/s, it's both sided. I wish you luck and things bound to get better if both are willing to talk it out. -
welcome to SGFOriginally posted by jjlogan:hi galfriend,
this is what i have to say.
let's think in this way. Be happy that he is telling you things that he is throwing out from his chest. it could be something that is vexing him and he just wish to tell someone and that person is U! if one day he choose not to tell u and he jus staring in blank space.. how will you feel? you ask him what happened and the he jus refuse to tell u..
seriously at that moment, you may feel desperate to noe what is going on (this relationship meant alot to you) or basically you cant be bothered (he is not the one for you).
I have been through that cause when i told my ex about probs. she jus brush me off and then i realise she dun lurve me anymore when she jus cant be bothered about me when i saw in blank air. she broke up with me eventually with a stupid excuse.
at times, it's really too much for a guy to go out on a date and making it sour at the end. really bad. i guess in a r/s, it's both sided. I wish you luck and things bound to get better if both are willing to talk it out. -
Maybe the nite out is too routine and there is nothing interesting to talk abt or take note that he decide to bring out the matter to talk abt.Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, i agree i would rather he shares his problems with me than any others, and i wanna share his problems too. but why must everynight end that day, either with our own problems or others' problems? Cant we go home peacefully and happily after a night out? -
JJlogan,Originally posted by jjlogan:hi galfriend,
this is what i have to say.
let's think in this way. Be happy that he is telling you things that he is throwing out from his chest. it could be something that is vexing him and he just wish to tell someone and that person is U! if one day he choose not to tell u and he jus staring in blank space.. how will you feel? you ask him what happened and the he jus refuse to tell u..
seriously at that moment, you may feel desperate to noe what is going on (this relationship meant alot to you) or basically you cant be bothered (he is not the one for you).
I have been through that cause when i told my ex about probs. she jus brush me off and then i realise she dun lurve me anymore when she jus cant be bothered about me when i saw in blank air. she broke up with me eventually with a stupid excuse.
at times, it's really too much for a guy to go out on a date and making it sour at the end. really bad. i guess in a r/s, it's both sided. I wish you luck and things bound to get better if both are willing to talk it out.
No wonder your gf broke up with you.
Some problems in a person's life is ok.
TOO many problems in a person's life... something is wrong somewhere.
Problems in a person's life.. everyday ????? Something is VERY wrong. -
juz listen ar..
at least ur bf is v kind hearted and cares abt ple ard him. -
hey he jus needs someone to whine and u are the best person!
jus b his listeing ears ok? -
either you could jolly just, shut your mind while listening to his woes and whining, and just reply, i totally understand how you feel, and don't worry so much, or let his whining affect you, either way, you need a man to take care of you, instead of looking after a baby, between how old are you and your boyfriend?
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hahaOriginally posted by allentyb:either you could jolly just, shut your mind while listening to his woes and whining, and just reply, i totally understand how you feel, and don't worry so much, or let his whining affect you, either way, you need a man to take care of you, instead of looking after a baby, between how old are you and your boyfriend?
doko -
so why are you worried? are you being tasked to resolve the issues he raised?Originally posted by galfriend:i was just hoping for a easy night, a night to chill out, forget about my whole day's tireness, whole day's stress, refresh myself cos i have another 12 hours tomorrow to stress and to slog. but on our way home, he brings up others' problem. that woke me up. i am feeling so stress now, by worries of work and his worries and his worries of others' worries. so stressed. is chilling out and relax so hard?
i agree with giga; be glad you're his listening ear.
you have your stress, he has his (familiar huh?:mrgreen
, you share yours with him, so play your part and share his by listening to him -
You may not like to hear this, but speaking from real life experience, don't marry a guy like that.
My father has a character like your bf, he likes to bother about other people's problem. And damn he comes home once or twice everyweek drunk and repeat repeat and repeat other people's problem and problems not relevant or stuff in the past over and over and over and over again. And when things get out of hands, he'll start making trouble, break glass, attempt to commit suicide... my mother got so sick of it that she can't be bothered when he wants to commit suicide, then he'll start complaining to my mother, "You just don't care do you? I want to go and die, you also don't care!"
And same like yout bf, he is damn generous, even though we are quite poor, we used to be quite okay, but he gambled, so to settle his debts we even sold our van and house. Now things are starting to get stable and back on track. But he is still damn generous, no money still want to treat other people, something still go steal my sister's money. And yes, he does not work, he used to earn $300 a day, but after he married my mother he quit his job and lived on my mother.
But one thing for sure, he dotes on me a lot whether he is drunk or not. Recently, his character is getting better, when I was younger, very young, he used to make me knee on the floor, beat me with a belt... then went downstairs to mingle with his friends... while telling me to knee all the time. But when he's not drunk, he'll buy me whatever I want, give me whatever I want.
Ya, just my 2 cents, hope u dun mind. -
Guys,
Those who advocate TS to just listen to his rantings about problems that belongs to other people.....
Would you do the same if the tables are turned ?
If your gf/wife rants about the neighbour's problem, her best friend's problem, her grandmother problem, every time you try to enjoy time with her.
Would you really give your ears to her all the time? Share the sympathy, share the burden of other people's problem ?
Or would you one day tell her " Woman, why don't you keep your mouth shut about problems not relating to us ? ". "By the way, how many relatives do you have ?"
Would you really say to yourself " Good thing she shares with me instead of other men" ????
Be honest. OK?
Just because she is your woman, doesn't mean she should take all the crap you throw at her. Because you as the man wouldn't accept it either. -
i will listen to what my woman has to said, all her woes and troubles, but usually she will be whining and complaining, i will lend her my listening ear, and keep my mouth shut, thats all, my reply will be standard, don't worry so much, dear, things will turn out fine, take a bath, and have a nice rest,Originally posted by jojobeach:Guys,
Those who advocate TS to just listen to his rantings about problems that belongs to other people.....
Would you do the same if the tables are turned ?
If your gf/wife rants about the neighbour's problem, her best friend's problem, her grandmother problem, every time you try to enjoy time with her.
Would you really give your ears to her all the time? Share the sympathy, share the burden of other people's problem ?
Or would you one day tell her " Woman, why don't you keep your mouth shut about problems not relating to us ? ". "By the way, how many relatives do you have ?"
Would you really say to yourself " Good thing she shares with me instead of other men" ????
Be honest. OK?
Just because she is your woman, doesn't mean she should take all the crap you throw at her. Because you as the man wouldn't accept it either.
then blah blah blah, instead of giving advice and prolong the conversation -
So, you will give her assurance that everything is going to be OK, then proceed to divert the conversation to something else ? Correct ?Originally posted by allentyb:i will listen to what my woman has to said, all her woes and troubles, but usually she will be whining and complaining, i will lend her my listening ear, and keep my mouth shut, thats all, my reply will be standard, don't worry so much, dear, things will turn out fine, take a bath, and have a nice rest,
then blah blah blah, instead of giving advice and prolong the conversation -
i will not change the subject, i will just listen to what she has to say, till she keep quiet, then proceed with my own stuff, the last thing, i want to do is, tell her my problems, usually, she will be pre occiped with her own thoughtsOriginally posted by jojobeach:So, you will give her assurance that everything is going to be OK, then proceed to divert the conversation to something else ? Correct ? -
Interesting thread. hmm..for galfriend to whine to boyfriend is ok but the other way round? Wats the world coming to?!