my boyfriend and me
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Yes, he knows about my stress and frustration at work and of cos the long hours too. but i rarely 'whine' about them, ie i rarely repeat my stories or my problems. i told him cos i think there is a need to communicate, to let him understand me as a whole, but i try not to let it affect our relationship, by not whining about them.Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Some people just highly subjected to 'environment feelings' - they are easily disturbed by the aura people exude from their feelings and it clings and lingers onto them easily (especially so if he's a Pisces - next comes Cancer and Scorpio).
This is a clash of emotional management, rudely brought forth into the private space of your relationship.
The theory of equilibrium will tell you that if you are subjected to negativity and if your influence do not seek to overcome the source of negativity, you 'lower' yourself to be on 'par' to this very source, in which I reckon that your man neither has the life force nor positive condition to take on such choking influences from people around him.
It's only natural for wanting a quiet space when you spend some quality time with your boyfriend. Your work is probably drudgery and toilsome - with all that deadlines, distraction, noise, unhappiness, anger, frustrations and all sort of unpleasant moods and situation shrouding you like some malicious spirit, attempting to break your spirit.
Does he knows about your frustrations at work? Or do you choose to avoid sharing as you prefer to keep your time together as musically sweet as possible?
From his POV he's likely to think along this line:
'I want to share with my girlfriend some issues in life, but she seemed to be irritated with the notion of me sharing with her. Yes, it's true, these are people's problem, but I am somewhat implicated because these are my love ones too. Sigh. Perhaps, next time, I should just keep everything to myself.'
And of course, you are only but a human - you can only take so much stress before you collapse emotionally.
These realities are realities of a love relationship in an urban city; stress comes in several form of dimensions and they will seek for the 'line of least resistance' - hoping to crash at the spot where your vulnerability lies and crumble your love through external means.
But does that mean that this is a sure fail? Not necessary.
Since you two are unable to control individual constrains in life, communicate and decide the best way you could compromise and work out something that you could keep the life of your relationship flowing. (If you two share the same religion together, both of you could seek for solace in your faith through prayers. Or speak with your religious leaders if possible).
You see, what happens is that both of you are facing challenges in life; it's just that each of you were hoping that your other half could provide you the avenue to alleviate this frustration from your state of life and the condition it brings. Therefore, how would it be possible for anyone of you to afford the emotional luxury to tender those sensitive needs when in your perception, both your visions have been blotted out by all these immerse problems, acting as a barrier to enjoy your relationship?
Sometimes when we are so overwhelmed by all these distractions in life - we tend to lose focus and forget that the basis laws to happiness in love is not about the tangibles - it's about being in our real self and communicating likewise in this form. The next time when he starts this again, cuts him off with a momentary kiss. Or put a finger to his lips and embrace him.
There are always no definite answers to problems and frustrations in life; but surely, there's strength in support.
Cheers
it came as a wonder, that he seems to be like so unaware of that, and kind of surprised him when i told him off that night. he keep repeatly asking me, 'is work your problem'. and i keep repeating yes. then he asked, 'is work your only problem', and i keep repeating yes.
or maybe is it me? that i rarely complain and whine, hence he underestimated the amount of stress i am facing? but i really do not believe in persistent complaining and whining, for it kills most relationship.
btw, he is a capricorn -
LOL! the problem is, after singing songs, he start telling me all the problems again. or after forgeting all the problems, he starts telling me all the problems again. may not be his problems, could be others'.Originally posted by dokono:I can tell you are losing interest in this guy, am I right? And because he is your boyfriend instead of providing a strong support for you, you became his pillar of support; you are tired of listening to his whining.
You came here for advice because you thought you still loved him and you are confused. But actually you are slowly losing patience with him. You thought as a girlfriend you should be a pillar of support because of your beliefs as a girlfriend in a relationship.
After all, a man should be strong enough to take care of you.
He's not the man you used to know. He has become your mommy's boy.
You are tired. Try to change subject everytime he tries to whine. Talk something fun. Do something fun like sing a song together. Just forget all the problems accumulated in the day. Spend a day and relax, hugging together without talking much will be just as good.
doko -
Galfriend,
Perhaps you should give him a dose of his own medicine.
Some people needs to be mimic , so they see their own annoying behavior.
When you can.. just whine about everything under the sun.
Whine about your clothes.. whine about your drinks.... even if got no problem really.. just for the heck of it.. whine......
Whine about your neighbour... your classmate in primary school.. the auntie at the hawker stall.... etc etc....
When you whine... put on a very "woe is me" facial expression.
The first minute you meet up with him... give him a " the sky is falling tomorrow" look .....then start whining... for as long as you can....
Spoil one night or two.... .. worth it lor...
If he still don't get it... I guess he must be super thick. You'd have to reconsider if he is really someone you can tahan for very long ?????
Sian right ? Yah ...even friends like that will get on your nerves... somemore your own bf... how to feel romantic at all ???
yah very .. anti-climatic. -
Originally posted by galfriend:Yes, he knows about my stress and frustration at work and of cos the long hours too. but i rarely 'whine' about them, ie i rarely repeat my stories or my problems. i told him cos i think there is a need to communicate, to let him understand me as a whole, but i try not to let it affect our relationship, by not whining about them.
it came as a wonder, that he seems to be like so unaware of that, and kind of surprised him when i told him off that night. he keep repeatly asking me, 'is work your problem'. and i keep repeating yes. then he asked, 'is work your only problem', and i keep repeating yes.
or maybe is it me? that i rarely complain and whine, hence he underestimated the amount of stress i am facing? but i really do not believe in persistent complaining and whining, for it kills most relationship.
btw, he is a capricorn This is what you get when you put two complete strangers together in something we call relationship, with love as the element to keep you two in unison: differences.
And in the end, it's about discovering more of yourself, as much as your other half.
You must understand that your belief is exclusive only to you, vice versa. To change a belief/personality/character might be just a little difficult, thus the easier option is always to compromise on something that is workable in your relationship to keep it functioning.
It's not so much about the work, the stress or everything else that got implicated into your relationship - it's about knowing that despite the individual differences, how is it that you are going to live harmoniously with him while understanding that you two are but separate being.
Find a good time and communicate to him about your thoughts (not problems) about this issue and allow him the chance to share with you his. Perception are bound to clash, but at least when you keep this open as a known problem, you pave a opening for possible solution/compromising when the occasion calls for it.
Sweeping it under the carpet will only bring about deeper frustration and proliferates internal resentment.
Cheers -
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I like this sentence very very much... It sounds extremely logical; I have never thought of it this wayOriginally posted by Yunhaier: This is what you get when you put two complete strangers together in something we call relationship, with love as the element to keep you two in unison: differences. -
i would, i used to, and i'd still do so in future.
look beyond the whining and you'll see it's an issue of a boyfriend sharing his worries with his girlfriend, it's not like he's asking TS to solve the issues raised; wouldn't cost much to spare some time for your loved one, wouldn't it?
devote some time to listening, if TS doesn't like what she hears, then forget it after the bf stops; now that isn't hard to do, isn't it?
I'm probably wrong, but from the way TS structured her posts, i get the impression that TS is more concerned about her rest and own well being than her partner's.
look at it from the partner's point of view; he's probably not fully enjoying himself when "winding down" with TS, since he's worried about his friends. call him a worrier, fair, but if he;s putting in the effort to enjoy with TS and to keep her happy, surely it isn't unfair to ask for a listening ear?Originally posted by jojobeach:Guys,
Those who advocate TS to just listen to his rantings about problems that belongs to other people.....
Would you do the same if the tables are turned ?
If your gf/wife rants about the neighbour's problem, her best friend's problem, her grandmother problem, every time you try to enjoy time with her.
Would you really give your ears to her all the time? Share the sympathy, share the burden of other people's problem ?
Or would you one day tell her " Woman, why don't you keep your mouth shut about problems not relating to us ? ". "By the way, how many relatives do you have ?"
Would you really say to yourself " Good thing she shares with me instead of other men" ????
Be honest. OK?
Just because she is your woman, doesn't mean she should take all the crap you throw at her. Because you as the man wouldn't accept it either. -
what would you do if your gf is constantly worried about problems everyday or every other day? after worrying about her own problems, she starts to worry about others' problems. it can happen the whole nite and a few nights a week. what would you do? wont you worry that she over worry?Originally posted by JasonC:i would, i used to, and i'd still do so in future.
look beyond the whining and you'll see it's an issue of a boyfriend sharing his worries with his girlfriend, it's not like he's asking TS to solve the issues raised; wouldn't cost much to spare some time for your loved one, wouldn't it?
devote some time to listening, if TS doesn't like what she hears, then forget it after the bf stops; now that isn't hard to do, isn't it?
I'm probably wrong, but from the way TS structured her posts, i get the impression that TS is more concerned about her rest and own well being than her partner's.
look at it from the partner's point of view; he's probably not fully enjoying himself when "winding down" with TS, since he's worried about his friends. call him a worrier, fair, but if he;s putting in the effort to enjoy with TS and to keep her happy, surely it isn't unfair to ask for a listening ear?
And honestly, everyone needs to rest. after talking about his work problems for more than an hour after we meet everyday, then his friends problems, is it too much to ask for time to spend some quality time alone? or is it too much to ask for some time to rest (after spending 12 hours at work facing lots of stress, 1 to 2 hours listening to his day including problems and issues and frustrations from his workers). is it too much to ask for time to rest? And note, this is not a one-off incident. it happens everyweek, perhaps a couple of times a week at times. -
TS
what the heck, do you want for yourself? -
i know what to do already. Communication.Originally posted by allentyb:TS
what the heck, do you want for yourself? -
This brings an interesting point.Originally posted by JasonC:i would, i used to, and i'd still do so in future.
look beyond the whining and you'll see it's an issue of a boyfriend sharing his worries with his girlfriend, it's not like he's asking TS to solve the issues raised; wouldn't cost much to spare some time for your loved one, wouldn't it?
devote some time to listening, if TS doesn't like what she hears, then forget it after the bf stops; now that isn't hard to do, isn't it?
I'm probably wrong, but from the way TS structured her posts, i get the impression that TS is more concerned about her rest and own well being than her partner's.
look at it from the partner's point of view; he's probably not fully enjoying himself when "winding down" with TS, since he's worried about his friends. call him a worrier, fair, but if he;s putting in the effort to enjoy with TS and to keep her happy, surely it isn't unfair to ask for a listening ear?
A lot of guys also complain that their girlfriends whine about their problems but the guy is expected to be able to listen to them.
But when the tables are turned, the guy is seen as a whiner. So it seems like fairness is not always on the guy's side.
Being a guy is tough. haha.
doko -
By communication, what is that ? Can you define it? Talking or reading each other's mind?Originally posted by galfriend:i know what to do already. Communication.
doko -
Mind reading is not communication.Originally posted by dokono:By communication, what is that ? Can you define it? Talking or reading each other's mind?
doko -
sry for the misunderstanding.i wasnt refering to you but the replies of others who say that it is ok for bf to whine to gf.Originally posted by galfriend:since when did i whine to my bf? you are too presumptious.
i read before men are from mars,women from venus those kinda books before and ur bf's behaviour isnt really typical of a man aint it. Anyway not to put him down but i tink it is more of a "self" problem on his part. Perhaps he's really concerned abt others,always trying to find solutions for them and by sharing wif u all these, he may feel its like sharing his "achievements" with you.
does he have low-self esteem or suffer from inferiority complex so he's doing all these to make up for his insufficiency? -
Then what is communication to you? A lot of people keep saying communication, communication...Originally posted by galfriend:Mind reading is not communication.
But what is it really to you? Or to the both of you?
doko -
2 of you just don't get it, now we are talking about what TS wants, not about what man want, don't talk about equality, it doesn't exist, beside, TS already mention before, she doesn't whine to her boyfriend often, and it is her boyfriend who is whining to her all the time
it is not ok for man to whine! it is ok to complain about daily life, worries, and etc, but too much of this = whining, her boyfriend doesn't understand priority which is why, i ask this question before, how old is her boyfriend, i have this feeling that he is boy in man suit, today, we are talking what TS wants, not about the equality between man and woman,
woman whine = it is very normal,
if man was to whine about your worries too much, indirectly, you are telling the other party that, you can't handle problems at all, if her boyfriend doesn't understand how to list his own priority, then i pity TS, but she brought it upon herself by falling in a man who is irresponsible, this is my initially conclusion.
i could put myself into the shoe of both of the couple, which is TS and her boyfriend, and why the heck should i do that, none of my business, i still don't understand such a simple issue, and it can't be resolve earlier on in the relationship, maybe TS has already reach her limit -
sometimes, you don't even have to communicate in order to solve this at all, it just take that person to notice the body language, and thats that.
communicate may not even be a best solution, like i said before, TS look at it as a nagging issue, while her boyfriend doesn't even look at it as a issue at all, simply, i am just helping my friend, and he could be thinking - how could you be so selfish
there is no such thing as a solution, just temporary remedy -
Yes, you are right.Originally posted by allentyb:
2 of you just don't get it, now we are talking about what TS wants, not about what man want, don't talk about equality, it doesn't exist, beside, TS already mention before, she doesn't whine to her boyfriend often, and it is her boyfriend who is whining to her all the time
it is not ok for man to whine! it is ok to complain about daily life, worries, and etc, but too much of this = whining, her boyfriend doesn't understand priority which is why, i ask this question before, how old is her boyfriend, i have this feeling that he is boy in man suit, today, we are talking what TS wants, not about the equality between man and woman,
woman whine = it is very normal,
if man was to whine about your worries too much, indirectly, you are telling the other party that, you can't handle problems at all, if her boyfriend doesn't understand how to list his own priority, then i pity TS, but she brought it upon herself by falling in a man who is irresponsible, this is my initially conclusion.
i could put myself into the shoe of both of the couple, which is TS and her boyfriend, and why the heck should i do that, none of my business, i still don't understand such a simple issue, and it can't be resolve earlier on in the relationship, maybe TS has already reach her limit -
let me put it in a simplest way for you all to even understand since i rarely talks sense in AA
man are suppose to take care of woman, not add into woes, which is whining, and since woman are more emotional, so you are suppose to be their pillar of support, and woman are more than willing to your complain, but just don't keep on talking about the same thing over and over again
do you all even understand what is the meaning of whining and complain?
ahhhhhh my day sucks = complain
ahhhhhhhh my day sucks almost everyday = whining
if anyone can't even list their priority, why the heck do you want to get involved in a relationship, you will only be putting misery into another party
likewise, i don't want to look for a girl to fall in love with, i want to find someone who can 'SHARE' my problems with, not seeking someone to solve my problem, but when i look someone to hug, and someone to talk me, everything will be fine, i will be more happy
it is that simple! what sort of man or woman, do you want to be in a relationship, it is within your own control -
there is NO WAY IN HELL, i could listen to a person attentively if it is whining,
the definition of problems varies from individuals to individuals
this issue may seems like a problem to him/her. but it doesn't APPLY BOTH WAY
the last thing, i would ever do is, telling my love one about my worries, when she just came back from work or resting from a tiring day
what they really need is, someone smile at them, and give them a hug, and ask them hows your day
it is THAT SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! -
yeah precisely.im not on her bf's side.in fact i pity TS cos she needs to endure this silently. But we need to get to the ROOT of the bf's prob which is y i ask TS is it her bf has low self esteem or wat and so is trying to "redeem" himself by sharing others probs and worries and trying to solve them.Originally posted by allentyb:
2 of you just don't get it, now we are talking about what TS wants, not about what man want, don't talk about equality, it doesn't exist, beside, TS already mention before, she doesn't whine to her boyfriend often, and it is her boyfriend who is whining to her all the time
it is not ok for man to whine! it is ok to complain about daily life, worries, and etc, but too much of this = whining, her boyfriend doesn't understand priority which is why, i ask this question before, how old is her boyfriend, i have this feeling that he is boy in man suit, today, we are talking what TS wants, not about the equality between man and woman,
woman whine = it is very normal,
if man was to whine about your worries too much, indirectly, you are telling the other party that, you can't handle problems at all, if her boyfriend doesn't understand how to list his own priority, then i pity TS, but she brought it upon herself by falling in a man who is irresponsible, this is my initially conclusion.
i could put myself into the shoe of both of the couple, which is TS and her boyfriend, and why the heck should i do that, none of my business, i still don't understand such a simple issue, and it can't be resolve earlier on in the relationship, maybe TS has already reach her limit
And for TS to get wat she want from this r/s, her bf have to change first rite,if he really has these issues.
juz my 2cents. -
There is NO such thing as fairness in a relationship, LIVE WITH THAT!!!!!!
and if you don't know your role in a relationship, then seriously i pity you all, as all of you are still naive in thinking, i would rather than to tell people which is a clear cut obvious situation in TS thread, than to waste my time
PUT YOURSELF IN TS SHOE before even commenting, what TS boyfriend wants or need, it doesn't matter in this thread at all -
the answer to your ever simple question, is there is no way in hell, you and i can get to the root of this problem AS THE BOYFRIEND DOES NOT SEE THIS AS A PROBLEM AT ALL, SIMPLE AS THAT, and don't you dare to even said that, her boyfriend has low self esteem, or he is trying to redeem himself,Originally posted by forumer84:yeah precisely.im not on her bf's side.in fact i pity TS cos she needs to endure this silently. But we need to get to the ROOT of the bf's prob which is y i ask TS is it her bf has low self esteem or wat and so is trying to "redeem" himself by sharing others probs and worries and trying to solve them.
And for TS to get wat she want from this r/s, her bf have to change first rite,if he really has these issues.
juz my 2cents.
let me put it in a simple manner for you to understand, if i can handle your problem and i could give you advise and be there for you, do i have low self esteem -
No, I have been reading your post in this thread and you do talk sense.Originally posted by allentyb:let me put it in a simplest way for you all to even understand since i rarely talks sense in AA
I like your attitude. You know what you want. Good.
doko -
bro,i said MAYBE the bf has low self esteem.Pls read more carefully first.Originally posted by allentyb:the answer to your ever simple question, is there is no way in hell, you and i can get to the root of this problem AS THE BOYFRIEND DOES NOT SEE THIS AS A PROBLEM AT ALL, SIMPLE AS THAT, and don't you dare to even said that, her boyfriend has low self esteem, or he is trying to redeem himself,
let me put it in a simple manner for you to understand, if i can handle your problem and i could give you advise and be there for you, do i have low self esteem
The prob now is the bf isnt solving others'problems. He is merely sharing them wif his gf.