Sianz...I contemplating divorce
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The truth is, it only becomes an emotional blackmail , if you let it be one.Originally posted by elindra:This is not called emotional strength but emotional blackmail -_-" -
It doesn't matter if it affects you or not, but emotional blackmail is emotional blackmail.Originally posted by jojobeach:The truth is, it only becomes an emotional blackmail , if you let it be one.
It's like blackmail is blackmail whether you react towards it or not -
well... who likes people using "words" and "emotions" to punish him. intimidation is also by words and emotionsOriginally posted by jojobeach:At first, we are distressed by it lah.
But after knowing it is just one of her "useless" strategy , we just ignore it lor.
We know she wouldn't dare do it lah, she has a lot more to live for.
4 grandchildren, and her karaoke sessions... to kill herself over a disagreement is damn stupid lor.
Got one time, my brother so mad he told her.. "Nobody is holding you back right now." She got so mad, she refused to eat for 2 days.
My brother is a very stubborn man, even his wife complains to me.
But he is slowly learning to give in more nowadays.
When my brother and SIL argues... my SIL goes on a shopping therapy.
My brother always gets more mad after seeing his credit card bills.
So I told him, just give in to her lah, your pocket hole will be smaller.
And it works so far.
When he wants to tell her off, he'll think about his credit card bills first.
Then all will be peaceful and harmonious.
Trust me, there are many ways a woman skins her husband.
Your wife is only using "words" and "emotions" to punish you.
So , relatively speaking, you're actually quite lucky. -
Elindra and Dreamykite,
Houston we have a problem.
Now, how should a woman deal with a man who is unwilling to give in ?
And insist his reasoning are superior than hers ?
I'd love to let my SIL know of any enlightening suggestions that would help avoid future arguments with my very stubborn brother.
And mind you, my SIL is very well educated, and have a higher education level than my brother.
Any good suggestionS ? -
I think your brother is like that because he thinks it is a lost of face if he is wrong and a 'woman' is right.Originally posted by jojobeach:Elindra and Dreamykite,
Houston we have a problem.
Now, how should a woman deal with a man who is unwilling to give in ?
And insist his reasoning are superior than hers ?
I'd love to let my SIL know of any enlightening suggestions that would help avoid future arguments with my very stubborn brother.
And mind you, my SIL is very well educated, and have a higher education level than my brother.
Any good suggestionS ?
It could also be due to the fact that yr SIL has a higher education lvl and he hates to admit that she is 'superior' to him.
Men are funny creatures. They might say they can accept if a woman has higher lvl of education compared to them but deep down inside they can't.
Somehow this eats into them and they become bitter and unreasonable especially so when they are in the wrong and feel that it is a further lost of face.
I cannot tell you how to deal with each situation because each situation defers, but keep in mind that it is highly likely an ego problem.
Is your brother doing better in other aspects in life compared to yr SIL despite her higher education? Does her SIL rub it in that she is better educated and have better opportunities compared to yr brother? -
So you are saying there is nothing much a woman can do to a man who is full of pride and ego ?Originally posted by elindra:I think your brother is like that because he thinks it is a lost of face if he is wrong and a 'woman' is right.
It could also be due to the fact that yr SIL has a higher education lvl and he hates to admit that she is 'superior' to him.
Men are funny creatures. They might say they can accept if a woman has higher lvl of education compared to them but deep down inside they can't.
Somehow this eats into them and they become bitter and unreasonable especially so when they are in the wrong and feel that it is a further lost of face.
I cannot tell you how to deal with each situation because each situation defers, but keep in mind that it is highly likely an ego problem.
Is your brother doing better in other aspects in life compared to yr SIL despite her higher education? Does her SIL rub it in that she is better educated and have better opportunities compared to yr brother?
My SIL is a full time housewife with 4 kids. My brother runs a business.
My SIL is a very quiet person, and I seldom see her raise her voice.
When one party has to be a winner, there will always be a loser.
I pity my SIL because she always seems like the loser, so she prefers to go spend money as a form of emotional therapy.
Got one time I side with her and ask her to stand up for herself, her reply was " He want to win, I let him win. Later I go spend more of his hard earned money lor"
Actually, I think my SIL is smarter than my brother in this aspect, don't you agree ?
At least it is better than using divorce as a threat, correct ?
When a man wins with his pride, he gets to pay for it with something else.
I suppose this is what it means to have cosmic balance ? heh. -
Cosmic balance balances the masculine and the feminine forces for harmony. But it doesn't meant to balance the material issue between man and woman. It balance more on the psyche of the opposite sexesOriginally posted by jojobeach:So you are saying there is nothing much a woman can do to a man who is full of pride and ego ?
My SIL is a full time housewife with 4 kids. My brother runs a business.
My SIL is a very quiet person, and I seldom see her raise her voice.
When one party has to be a winner, there will always be a loser.
I pity my SIL because she always seems like the loser, so she prefers to go spend money as a form of emotional therapy.
Got one time I side with her and ask her to stand up for herself, her reply was " He want to win, I let him win. Later I go spend more of his hard earned money lor"
Actually, I think my SIL is smarter than my brother in this aspect, don't you agree ?
At least it is better than using divorce as a threat, correct ?
When a man wins with his pride, he gets to pay for it with something else.
I suppose this is what it means to have cosmic balance ? heh.
Jojo loves her hubby? -
This is nice. I could do well to read and apply. ThanksOriginally posted by Isis:Building a successful marriage
Success in marriage is based on compatibility rather than just finding the right partner. Both partners must try to be the right person by acting out of mutual respect, love and concern for each other. Love is an inner feeling and af fulfillment arising from the mutual healthy growth with and for the other person. In a successful marriage, a partner must not always try to get things his or her own way. This brings to mind a humorous saying - " Man has his will but woman has her way ". There is only one path to be trodden by both; it may be uneven, bumpy and sometimes difficult, but it is always a "mutual path".
A happy marriage is not one in which exist with eyes closed. We see faults as well as virtues and we should accept the fact that no one is perfect. A husband and wife must learn to share the happiness and pain in their daily lives. Mutual understanding is the secret formula of a happy marriage. Marriage is a blessing but unfortunately, many people treat it otherwise due to lack of correct communication and understanding.
Most martial troubles which arise are normally due to an unwillingness of one partner to compromise and be patient with the other. The golden rule to avoid a minor misunderstanding from being blown out of proportion si to be patient, tolerant, and be understanding. Human beings are emotional and get into angry arguments easily. Husbands and wives should do their utmost that both are not angry at the same time. This is the golden rule for a happy marriage life. If not parties are not angry at the same time, problems can be easily resolved by adopting the noble spirit of patience, tolerance and understanding.
The husband should treat his wife with respect, understanding and consideration and not as a servant nor as a doll in his hands. Although he may be the bread winner of the family, it is also his duty to help his wife with the household work whenever he is free. The wife, on the other hand, should not always nag or grumble at her husband over trival matters. If he really has certain shortcomings, she should try to talk with him and point out his mistakes. A spouse should try to be tolerate and handle problems without bothering the partner, including those related to his or her career.
Being diplomatic
There is a story of a hot tempered woman who would always scold her husband for minor mistakes by saying, " You are a stupid idiot." The husband was very tolerant and kept quiet when he was scolded. However, one day, when the wife shouted " You are a stupid idiot.", the husband said: " i think you are right. If i am not a stupid idiot, do you think i would ever married a woman like you?" From that day onwards she never utter such words.
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Got once she ran away from me when we were in public place. Not the 1st time she ran away. I chase until sian, so that time I just let her go and returned to my parents house. It was Friday night. So Friday, Saturday and Sunday I have a lot of peace. On Monday when I thought everything had cooled down, I received an sms from her saying when I will send the separation papers over. I told her "Siao ah?!" So, in fact, she was anticipating a separation.Originally posted by Spnw07:I wouldn't really say TS is crying foul, but I do have my doubts that why is TS's wife not taking any concrete action to file for separation papers or any relevant action to signal her intention of a divorce since she seems so dissatisfied with her hubby and their marriage.
It is indeed a mystery.
2nd time was the last thread I posted. She hauled a suitcase to my parents' house and wanted to pack her stuff and leave. I was able to stop her in time and scolded her to her senses. Thus the reunion and everything got much better.
If there's a 3rd time that we ever got into such a bad situation, I don't know if I have the patience to stop her and try another time or not. So, it's not all talk only, she also got action. Like I say, it's just a matter of time... -
Don't know what to say liao. Hope that one day if, if only, I do get married, I want to be a man like you. Can tahan so long and willing to try to keep the marriage together.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Got once she ran away from me when we were in public place. Not the 1st time she ran away. I chase until sian, so that time I just let her go and returned to my parents house. It was Friday night. So Friday, Saturday and Sunday I have a lot of peace. On Monday when I thought everything had cooled down, I received an sms from her saying when I will send the separation papers over. I told her "Siao ah?!" So, in fact, she was anticipating a separation.
2nd time was the last thread I posted. She hauled a suitcase to my parents' house and wanted to pack her stuff and leave. I was able to stop her in time and scolded her to her senses. Thus the reunion and everything got much better.
If there's a 3rd time that we ever got into such a bad situation, I don't know if I have the patience to stop her and try another time or not. So, it's not all talk only, she also got action. Like I say, it's just a matter of time...
Not many are willing to do this if they were in your situation, I think. I would probably give up after the 2nd time in your situation.
I salute you and I believe men like you can share your experience with men who are in serious dating relationships. (no sarcasm, and I mean it sincerely)
The right attitude towards marriage is very important. -
On a lighter note, your wife can run faster than you, zhun bo?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Got once she ran away from me when we were in public place. Not the 1st time she ran away. I chase until sian, so that time I just let her go and returned to my parents house. It was Friday night. So Friday, Saturday and Sunday I have a lot of peace. On Monday when I thought everything had cooled down, I received an sms from her saying when I will send the separation papers over. I told her "Siao ah?!" So, in fact, she was anticipating a separation.
2nd time was the last thread I posted. She hauled a suitcase to my parents' house and wanted to pack her stuff and leave. I was able to stop her in time and scolded her to her senses. Thus the reunion and everything got much better.
If there's a 3rd time that we ever got into such a bad situation, I don't know if I have the patience to stop her and try another time or not. So, it's not all talk only, she also got action. Like I say, it's just a matter of time... -
Originally posted by Spnw07:On a lighter note, your wife can run faster than you, zhun bo?
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How can psyche of the opposite sexes balance, when nature makes one stronger than the other ?Originally posted by dreamykite:Cosmic balance balances the masculine and the feminine forces for harmony. But it doesn't meant to balance the material issue between man and woman. It balance more on the psyche of the opposite sexes
Jojo loves her hubby? -
Frustrated_Guy,Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Got once she ran away from me when we were in public place. Not the 1st time she ran away. I chase until sian, so that time I just let her go and returned to my parents house. It was Friday night. So Friday, Saturday and Sunday I have a lot of peace. On Monday when I thought everything had cooled down, I received an sms from her saying when I will send the separation papers over. I told her "Siao ah?!" So, in fact, she was anticipating a separation.
2nd time was the last thread I posted. She hauled a suitcase to my parents' house and wanted to pack her stuff and leave. I was able to stop her in time and scolded her to her senses. Thus the reunion and everything got much better.
If there's a 3rd time that we ever got into such a bad situation, I don't know if I have the patience to stop her and try another time or not. So, it's not all talk only, she also got action. Like I say, it's just a matter of time...
I think you are grossly mistaken.
Obviously, your wife don't think you love her enough.
And she is looking for signs that you actually do.
Here's how some woman think.
During a disagreement, he loves her to give in to her.
After a fight, he loves her to chase her back.
After an ultimatum, he loves her to hold her back.
Like I mentioned before, she don't need you to send her the separation papers. If she wants to divorce, she can do it herself.
She thinks you value the marriage enough not to want to let it go.
This is how she reassures herself that you DO want to be with her.
If you want it to stop, the next time she uses divorce tell her " I'll wait for you to send me the separation papers."
This way, you pass the ball back to her, and let her decide how she wants to play this game. -
SOmetimes,it is dangerous to play this kind of games if u cherish marriage and still love her....Originally posted by jojobeach:Frustrated_Guy,
I think you are grossly mistaken.
Obviously, your wife don't think you love her enough.
And she is looking for signs that you actually do.
Here's how some woman think.
During a disagreement, he loves her to give in to her.
After a fight, he loves her to chase her back.
After an ultimatum, he loves her to hold her back.
Like I mentioned before, she don't need you to send her the separation papers. If she wants to divorce, she can do it herself.
She thinks you value the marriage enough not to want to let it go.
This is how she reassures herself that you DO want to be with her.
If you want it to stop, the next time she uses divorce tell her " I'll wait for you to send me the separation papers."
This way, you pass the ball back to her, and let her decide how she wants to play this game. -
Risky as it may seem, TS's wife is already taking the gamble by crying divorce.Originally posted by CannyOng:SOmetimes,it is dangerous to play this kind of games if u cherish marriage and still love her....
Fight poison with poison.
Perhaps to save the wife's marriage, the man needs to be part of the gamble. -
U know.. All the sweet stuffs that u have done before marriage shouldn't be in the grave! Occasionally, try sending flowers or just a simply tell her that you love her, this will help to foster your marriage.
u know.. "true love" does not disappear after a series of argument. I think your wife loves you but she doesn't knows whether do you love her still, esp after series of fight and perhaps u too give her the "black face "?
Though some couples quarrel occasionally but deep inside, they still love each other.
Women are insecure emotional creatures, you have to assure them and pamper them occasionally. Peace will then reign again. -
just to add...
Btw, u know... in a fight of a couple, some of us might feel that they are always right, they are forever the winner in the game. However, let pause and contemplate why is winning so important for us? What is the real meaning of "winning" ? And what if we fight and won, but the other party have lost their dignity/face. Then they harbored hatred and grudges. So should we be proud of ourselves and be happy when we won? In reality, the black/false and white/true does not have a clear boundary. Who is the winner and loser depends on our perception, on how we interpret the situation, our expectation and how we want to see it. We must be really clear of what we really want and having the right objective in mind to solve this situation in a peaceful and amicable manner.
When both spouses r hot-headed, they could have difficulties solving the situation. Right timing,with a cool and cautious mind is very important. Don't take things too personally during the confrontation. Or avoid argument if both of u can't take confrontation, it takes two hands to clap, if one hand don't clap, there will be no sound. If possible, do seek marriage counsellings to sort out the differences again. Actually, u can try what i have said in the previous posting- sending flowers, a present etc. There might not be a need for a confrontation at all. Ur woman needs to know that u love her. Learn to hong her. : )
All the best. -
The joke is whether he got the guts to do it or not.Originally posted by jojobeach:Risky as it may seem, TS's wife is already taking the gamble by crying divorce.
Fight poison with poison.
Perhaps to save the wife's marriage, the man needs to be part of the gamble.
If you notice carefully thru out his grumbling, he have not taken any action at all.
To be honest I believe TS deserved to be hen-pecked by his wife cos he only just sit there and do nothing, he only knows how to give excuses to cover up for his non action state. -
just a small question.Originally posted by Isis:just to add...
Btw, u know... in a fight of a couple, some of us might feel that they are always right, they are forever the winner in the game. However, let pause and contemplate why is winning so important for us? What is the real meaning of "winning" ? And what if we fight and won, but the other party have lost their dignity/face. Then they harbored hatred and grudges. So should we be proud of ourselves and be happy when we won? In reality, the black/false and white/true does not have a clear boundary. Who is the winner and loser depends on our perception, on how we interpret the situation, our expectation and how we want to see it. We must be really clear of what we really want and having the right objective in mind to solve this situation in a peaceful and amicable manner.
When both spouses r hot-headed, they could have difficulties solving the situation. Right timing,with a cool and cautious mind is very important. Don't take things too personally during the confrontation. Or avoid argument if both of u can't take confrontation, it takes two hands to clap, if one hand don't clap, there will be no sound. If possible, do seek marriage counsellings to sort out the differences again. Actually, u can try what i have said in the previous posting- sending flowers, a present etc. There might not be a need for a confrontation at all. Ur woman needs to know that u love her. Learn to hong her. : )
All the best.
keep honging for how long? -
Until you stop loving your wife lor.Originally posted by Guardx:just a small question.
keep honging for how long?
You think after marriage you can stop pampering her and hong her ah ?
You think women are fish issit ?
After she get hooked liao, you reel her in liao, can throw her into the bucket of water and forget she needs to be fed issit ?
No sir, you still need to give her lots of TLC ( Tender, loving, care) , this is the reason why she married you in the first place. Because she believe you are the right man to provide all of it to her, for as long as YOU shall live. -
Depends on the husband and wife. Marriage is mutual.
Like what Andrew does, he hong when he quarrels with wife.
U don't have to over-do it and make urself unhappy.
But Ts did say he sucks at honging.
Perhaps it is time to start learning how. -
Thanks, I guess. I also don't know how I can tahan. Maybe one of my stronger virtue? It's very very easy to give it all up. But if I want to do that, then I wouldn't choose her in the 1st place. She has her cute points too.Originally posted by Spnw07:Don't know what to say liao. Hope that one day if, if only, I do get married, I want to be a man like you. Can tahan so long and willing to try to keep the marriage together.
Not many are willing to do this if they were in your situation, I think. I would probably give up after the 2nd time in your situation.
I salute you and I believe men like you can share your experience with men who are in serious dating relationships. (no sarcasm, and I mean it sincerely)
The right attitude towards marriage is very important.
If you ask me if I can outrun her. Yes, I probably can. But in her angered state, she may cause an awfully embarrassing scene right there in public(Guys do not want to go through it AT ALL). Besides, like I mention, not the 1st time liao. 1st few times, I still manage to stop her. But that day, I tot why try and stop her. Deep inside, I want some peace as well. Not quite a bad deal, if you ask me. -
Yeah loh, must gamble liao. No point going through this over and over again.Originally posted by jojobeach:Risky as it may seem, TS's wife is already taking the gamble by crying divorce.
Fight poison with poison.
Perhaps to save the wife's marriage, the man needs to be part of the gamble. -
Originally posted by Isis:U know.. All the sweet stuffs that u have done before marriage shouldn't be in the grave! Occasionally, try sending flowers or just a simply tell her that you love her, this will help to foster your marriage.
u know.. "true love" does not disappear after a series of argument. I think your wife loves you but she doesn't knows whether do you love her still, esp after series of fight and perhaps u too give her the "black face "?
Though some couples quarrel occasionally but deep inside, they still love each other.
Women are insecure emotional creatures, you have to assure them and pamper them occasionally. Peace will then reign again.
The flowers and presents never stop after marriage. Both of us still like giving each other surprises and gifts(when we not thrashing it out!). On the assuring side, I have done it so many many times. But she just won't take it in. And of course when quarrelling, black face all come out one mah.Originally posted by jojobeach:Until you stop loving your wife lor.
You think after marriage you can stop pampering her and hong her ah ?
You think women are fish issit ?
After she get hooked liao, you reel her in liao, can throw her into the bucket of water and forget she needs to be fed issit ?
No sir, you still need to give her lots of TLC ( Tender, loving, care) , this is the reason why she married you in the first place. Because she believe you are the right man to provide all of it to her, for as long as YOU shall live.
She likes surfing the forum, but she is easily influenced by 'online san gu liu po" one. I told her not to believe so much of what other people say, but I do not stop her online. Because she needs to have an outlet to let out her woes, I guess.
And no wonder, got terms like "MIL, DIL, HB, TLC" and all that. She say I din give her enough TLC. After the last big quarrel, I put an effort to accompany her more. Sometimes, when she unreasonably want more TLC, I also told her "not enough SLC!!"