Sianz...I contemplating divorce
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You really had it bad. What's your status now? Single and happy?Originally posted by mistyblue:maybe we should exchange spouse. She come live in my house and see how she deals with my husband who is inflexible and unbending and the shrew, my MIL. -
Never neglect yourself. I had learnt that from my current situation that you will only become a doormat and hate yourself for it.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I remember you. The one with the awful MIL. Sorry I am still weak
Maybe I love her so much, I neglected my own well-being.
Marriage is not Prison. She cannot even tell the difference. She will live to regret it one day.
Not possible. The only time when she 'allows' me to be away from her is work and outing with my friend. If I go by myself, she will say then get married for what, might as well divorce. Even if I somehow manage to go, she will think I go fool around, and then follow me, and then blame me for bringing her along.
Nothing is compulsory. She afraid people talk? She not afraid people talk more when she divorce? She not afraid your relatives talk? She very conflicting.
In-laws are compulsory. I only want to go to 1 close family. She say she scared being judged there. That the aunties will gossip about her. I did not force her to visit each and every one of my relatives. I told her this "If anybody say anything bad behind your back, I will break off relationship with them because you are my wife." She say how we would know, and then start to change topic and pick a fight with me again.
If she choose to listen, she should listen to good stuff, not the negative things all relatives say. I have never heard of any relative have anything good to say of other relatives or people. You wife is immature and you didn't help her grow up. You suffer the consequence.
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Not long. I am preparing for endgame. Thanks.
Let me put it across to you. Learn the lesson. If you didn't, you know jolly well it will repeat. I stand my ground and I air my issues. I will learn more from other people as well especially on how to say NO and get my fair share. I do not know if I will move out or not but all I know is that I do not care more or less about my r/s and I use it a a training ground to be a better person towards myself and then only then i can be a stronger person for other people be it with my current husband or maybe if things didn't work out for my future. -
I am happy as long as I choose to be.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:You really had it bad. What's your status now? Single and happy?
My husband ask me to stay. I give it another try.
As for my MIL, she want to act, then i play the same game with her. She think I stupid and a push over. This time round, I play to win, I no longer play so as to not lose.
For example:
I know she is given some money for groceries for our family. Her oldest son does not give her enough to feed the kids he dump on us. My husband sometimes buy groceries for the family and we pay all the bills. But she complains she does not have enough money and demands to collect money from me and demanded a large sum and made it mandatory. She called my mom claiming that I make a lot of money as a office worker with a easy job (she works a taufu seller and only open 5 days a week - works half day anyways and complains tired and always pretend to be sick to gain sympathy points) and I am barren and therefore obligated to pay for her grand kids and her expenses. BUT she comes and tell me another story: household not enough money the 1st time she demand money from me. This month, she demanded money saying she is paying for my FIL medicines. However, I know my husband and his sister paid for my FIL. So she's lying to me all this time. Then I argue with my husband why should I be made responsible for FIL medical bills when FIL has 3 kids. So I overturn her demands to pay any household to her. I always feel that if I want to contribute, I will pay for the entertainment we spend together or the holiday we spend together or the petrol bills or any bills I can get my hands on and I let my husband know. I have never like to put money in my MIL hands because I know she's dishonest and scheming.
She play the game. I play back. She's unhappy and been slamming doors when my husband is not around. But like I say, in front of my husband she acts. When my husband is not around... that's when the action happens. I also do this to show I can play the game and I am warning her.
She better not push me too much. To me divorce is not a big deal and I can live better on my own than with her around. I don't think I cannot survive without my husband, in fact, I am used to renting rooms and staying on my own. My husband never left his family and is never really independent and never tasted freedom. -
Yeah, she go and surf those girl forum. Then all the negative things she absorb, all the good things she din say. I warn her that although forums are used to share information and woes(if any), ultimately, it is the user who decides what info to take in.Originally posted by mistyblue:Nothing is compulsory. She afraid people talk? She not afraid people talk more when she divorce? She not afraid your relatives talk? She very conflicting.
If she choose to listen, she should listen to good stuff, not the negative things all relatives say. I have never heard of any relative have anything good to say of other relatives or people. You wife is immature and you didn't help her grow up. You suffer the consequence.
So this time round, I am going to absorb all the bad info I can get and take it all with me. Last time I share, I only choose to listen to the good ones. Silly me. HAHA! -
AHAHA! What kind of a person is your husband? Doesn't he like freedom? Will he never stop listening to mummy? What if mummy pass away one day?Originally posted by mistyblue:I don't think I cannot survive without my husband, in fact, I am used to renting rooms and staying on my own. My husband never left his family and is never really independent and never tasted freedom.
I have already went through all these thoughts, that why I do not want to be too inclined to my folks. -
Misty you should borrow a videotape recorder to record her actions when your husband is not around
Should prove interesting -
you choose what you want to hear. she choose not to. its her issue.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Yeah, she go and surf those girl forum. Then all the negative things she absorb, all the good things she din say. I warn her that although forums are used to share information and woes(if any), ultimately, it is the user who decides what info to take in.
So this time round, I am going to absorb all the bad info I can get and take it all with me. Last time I share, I only choose to listen to the good ones. Silly me. HAHA!
U Can't stop her , U can't help her too.
You can stop paying for her internet access -
Its his problem. I do not want to suggest anything.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:AHAHA! What kind of a person is your husband? Doesn't he like freedom? Will he never stop listening to mummy? What if mummy pass away one day?
I have already went through all these thoughts, that why I do not want to be too inclined to my folks.
In marriage, we are still separate entities. There must be space in between a marriage and yet there is a closeness. Read Kalib Gibran. He says it most rightly -
I should always carry my HP and use the voice recorder. But once again just like TS wife, my husband is selective of what her hears.Originally posted by elindra:Misty you should borrow a videotape recorder to record her actions when your husband is not around
Should prove interesting -
lol, TS and misty should get together? they seem so perfect for each other, in terms of marraige and stuffs.
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crazy leh.. juz bcos of this want a divorce?
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Frustrated,Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Jojo,
I don't complain about either side to my wife or mum. But my wife MICRO-MANAGES me...did I stutter? Let me say it again. My wife MICRO-MANAGES me.
My phone rings, she wants to know who call/sms, what is the content of it?
I email, she wants to know who and what I email.
I msn, she wants to know who is in my list, especially female colleagues.
I go out with friend. She wants to know what I doing.
There is never a second she does not scrutinize me, except while working.
Now, I am not trying to be unfilial to my mum. But I do not want both parties to interact too much and I caught inbetween. It will hurt a lot if in-law and wife r/s go sour. I do not need real life experience to know it, I can imagine it.
Your wife micro-manages you because you threw away the trust when you were so secretive about your activities before.
Trust takes time to be repaired, every time it gets broken, the longer it takes to earn it back.
I really don't get why your wife and you cannot settle this issue calmly about your mom wanting to move in while both of you don't think it was a good idea.
Since you agree with her on the issue, why is there still an argument ?
Was it because you arn't tactful enough ? Was it something you shouldn't say at the heat of the moment ? -
Ever tried saying an explicit "no" to her divorce threat, followed by something mushy? She might be wanting to hear that.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:So problem one ah divorce. I probably just write "Because she wants it so badly."
Yeah, I also like humour. But I find it difficult to share with my wife. Sometimes, she would scold me "Can't you take anything seriously?" I told her not to look at things so hard. Don't think so much.
We can only control 10% of things around us, 90% of things happened cannot be controlled. Learn to let go and be happy. Like now, I 10% keep quiet. She is my 90%, want divorce, want divorce. I increase to 11%, say yes. Then game over liao loh. -
x1.5 =DOriginally posted by cloud210:lol, TS and misty should get together? they seem so perfect for each other, in terms of marraige and stuffs. -
Little things also quarrel. Anyhow let divorce?!. Siao.. treat marriage like what..
It is a small thing to divorce over but small things are like beetles eating away the healthy trunks, killing the tree slowly. There the problem Ts is facing, the pent-up frustration. Try to forgive, let go, cos in life, a lot of sorrows occurs because we refuse to forgive, refused to step out of ourselves and then fall into the "net of anger".. trapped and entangled.. Deal the problem with a cool head and not with an angry state of mind.
If you really want to save the marriage in the long run. See a marriage counselors to meditate the problems. Cos it seems both of you don't know how to resolve conflicts in the relationship. Don't want to see each other's point. Don't give way to one another. Both have faults..
Now if quarrel occurs often, what kind of family it will be ? If both of you have kid, i can image how sad your kid will be ........ -
whoa.. true blue experienced divorcee..Originally posted by Short Ninja:I have a teenage son from my second wife.The first one is a Singaporean and the other two Foreigners.You see a lawyer and might be asked to list all the bad things about your wife under a certain theme like Mental Cruelty or Irreconciliable differences or others.....I tell you it is awful cuz one moment you are in love and the next you are listing down things like a kid wishing presents from Santa Claus.When the big day comes for you to become a free man you feel like you already ROD from the SAF and yet want to sign on again.These are just some of it..I ike to put humor into whatever I write otherwise the pain itself would make it impossible to even move a finger>
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Some religion do offer courses dont know if this is the appropriate way to describe it and I think it does help a lot for those who are tying the knot the first time/last time.People who marry several times would eventually find marital bliss but why go through all that trouble when you only have to do it once? I dont think TS has any kids so its easier for him to walk away.My ex wife has sole custody of my son who is still a minor but I get to keep him during the school holidays which is not too bad.....as long as I keep giving her money of course
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Yes, exactly right, if, for example they expect their wives to be as perfect as they are and (they let her know, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously) they will leave her if she does not meet up to their standards.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:U are very chim. I find it difficult to understand. So perfect guys who don't gamble, smoke and fool around will end up in divorce cases? How to make it work? Wife keep wanting divorcing all the time. Reassure so many times liao, she still want to pick a fight? How? How? How?
Don't reassure her. Just tell her, I won't divorce you, if you want to divorce me, I can't stop you.
Then ignore her and do what you want with your life. Switch off. If you had a nagging mother when you were young you should have learnt the skill to switch off.
Watch TV and ignore her when she starts her nonsense and say "orrrr" to whatever sh!t she says.
Talk to her when she is talking sense and just say "orrrrr" when she is talking nonsense. Don't reply. just give her the look and say "orrrr"
In the beginning it will be difficult but after a while, you would have learnt a new skill.
Just remember not to "do unto her what she does to you"
Just remember to "do unto her what you want her to do until you."
Even better, "do unto her what she wants you to do unto her..." as far as possible.
I said as far as possible because hey, you have a life too. Just because she wants you home every day the minute you finish work, and yes she wants that, but it is impossible as far as you are concerned.
On the other hand, when you see her, when you are with her, give her a massage, give her a hug... these are also things that she wants you to do and these are the things that you can do.
These small gestures also reassure her daily that you will not divorce her. Remember women are insecure creatures and they need reassuring everyday.
Use your brains how you can reassure her daily, even if it is not true.
For example, if you have the opportunity say stupid things in front of family and friends like, "I really cannot live without my wife" or "In the next life I still want to marry my wife" even if it is totally untrue.
This is why "bad" men can have good marriage. They lie through their teeth and the "good" men wonders why these idiots that are liars, cheaters and womanizers have such good marriages.
They might for example have lovers that do not threaten their marriage. They might have a lover in Batam or JB, for example. If he has to choose between the lover and the wife, he will always choose the wife and the lover and wife both knows it. (The wife knows that he will choose her, not the wife knows he has a lover/s).
So you see, it is how you balance the positives and the negatives. To you, it is black and white. You are either a good husband or you are not. The reality is that you are good in some ways and you are bad in some ways.
So in your mind, tell yourself, I am good in this way and I am bad in these way, take it or leave it. If you are all bad, sure, she will leave it. But as long as you are good (have what she wants, not good according to your own bible) in other ways, you will be fine.
You cannot give her everything she wants and you cannot satisfy her all the time and you have your own needs. Find a balance. Experiment.
Remember not to take and don't give back and also remember not to give and don't take. As for her nonsense, just ignore and say "orrrrr". -
he is teaching TS how to be wife's boy. Yes - wife - manOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:Yes, exactly right, if, for example they expect their wives to be as perfect as they are and (they let her know, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously) they will leave her if she does not meet up to their standards.
Don't reassure her. Just tell her, I won't divorce you, if you want to divorce me, I can't stop you.
Then ignore her and do what you want with your life. Switch off. If you had a nagging mother when you were young you should have learnt the skill to switch off.
Watch TV and ignore her when she starts her nonsense and say "orrrr" to whatever sh!t she says.
Talk to her when she is talking sense and just say "orrrrr" when she is talking nonsense. Don't reply. just give her the look and say "orrrr"
In the beginning it will be difficult but after a while, you would have learnt a new skill.
Just remember not to "do unto her what she does to you"
Just remember to "do unto her what you want her to do until you."
Even better, "do unto her what she wants you to do unto her..." as far as possible.
I said as far as possible because hey, you have a life too. Just because she wants you home every day the minute you finish work, and yes she wants that, but it is impossible as far as you are concerned.
On the other hand, when you see her, when you are with her, give her a massage, give her a hug... these are also things that she wants you to do and these are the things that you can do.
These small gesture also reassures her daily that you will not divorce her. Remember women are insecure creatures and they need reassuring everyday.
Use your brains how you can reassure her daily, even if it is not true.
For example, if you have the opportunity say stupid things in front of family and friends like, "I really cannot live without my wife" or "In the next life I still want to marry my wife" even if it is totally untrue.
This is why "bad" men can have good marriage. They lie through their teeth and the "good" men wonders why these idiots that are liars, cheaters and womanizers have such good marriage.
They might for example have lovers that do not threaten their marriage. They might have a lover in Batam or JB, for example. If he has to choose between the lover and the wife, he will always choose the wife and the lover and wife both knows it. (The wife knows that he will choose her, not the wife knows he has a lover/s).
So you see, it is how you balance the positives and the negatives. To you, it is black and white. You are either a good husband or you are not. The reality is that you are good in some ways and you are bad in some ways.
So in your mind, tell yourself, I am good in this way and I am bad in these way, take it or leave it. If you are all bad, sure, she will leave it. But as long as you are good (have what she wants, not good according to your own bible) in other ways, you will be fine.
You cannot give her everything she wants and you cannot satisfy her all the time and you have your own needs. Find a balance. Experiment.
Remember not to take and don't give back and also remember not to give and don't take. As for her nonsense, just ignore and say "orrrrr".
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I never lost her trust, and she knows it. That time we argue, she also said the same thing...trust takes time to be repaired.Originally posted by jojobeach:Frustrated,
Your wife micro-manages you because you threw away the trust when you were so secretive about your activities before.
Trust takes time to be repaired, every time it gets broken, the longer it takes to earn it back.
I really don't get why your wife and you cannot settle this issue calmly about your mom wanting to move in while both of you don't think it was a good idea.
Since you agree with her on the issue, why is there still an argument ?
Was it because you arn't tactful enough ? Was it something you shouldn't say at the heat of the moment ?
I challenged her "WHEN HAVE I LOST YOUR TRUST?" I can see a nerve on her forehead and she knows I'm right. Then she went on to pick on other things. Most of the time, it's her imagination getting the better of her.
We can't be calm because I told her I will handle my mum my own way, but she wants me to handle it her way. WTF?! I told her I know my mum well enough. She say my mum also know me well and what if my mum came crying and use the soft approach on me? Wah, I buay tahan her, told her my mum won't do that and I don't feel like talking liao. Then the rest of the night, I only hear 'noises'. Communication breakdown.
FYI, I am always calm. I do not lose it and threaten split or divorce. -
She will say "Shao lai che yi tao" and then push me awayOriginally posted by LatecomerX:Ever tried saying an explicit "no" to her divorce threat, followed by something mushy? She might be wanting to hear that.
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Yeah loh, little things also quarrel. Anyhow let divorce. Yeah loh, treat marriage like what. I also don't know what she thinkingOriginally posted by Isis:Little things also quarrel. Anyhow let divorce?!. Siao.. treat marriage like what..
It is a small thing to divorce over but small things are like beetles eating away the healthy trunks, killing the tree slowly. There the problem Ts is facing, the pent-up frustration. Try to forgive, let go, cos in life, a lot of sorrows occurs because we refuse to forgive, refused to step out of ourselves and then fall into the "net of anger".. trapped and entangled.. Deal the problem with a cool head and not with an angry state of mind.
If you really want to save the marriage in the long run. See a marriage counselors to meditate the problems. Cos it seems both of you don't know how to resolve conflicts in the relationship. Don't want to see each other's point. Don't give way to one another. Both have faults..
Now if quarrel occurs often, what kind of family it will be ? If both of you have kid, i can image how sad your kid will be ........ -
You might as well say it out loud it's church counselling, isn't it? HAHA! We been through pre-marital counselling lah. I distinctly heard the counsellor say, "Don't anyhow threaten divorce. Don't badmouth each other's parents" Guess she got the capacity to break all these rules.Originally posted by Short Ninja:Some religion do offer courses dont know if this is the appropriate way to describe it and I think it does help a lot for those who are tying the knot the first time/last time.People who marry several times would eventually find marital bliss but why go through all that trouble when you only have to do it once? I dont think TS has any kids so its easier for him to walk away.My ex wife has sole custody of my son who is still a minor but I get to keep him during the school holidays which is not too bad.....as long as I keep giving her money of course
Btw, if you have any lawyer office, pls pm me. Thanks. -
She already caught onto me many times liao. My "orrrr" and "mmm" she will notice one. She will test me later and if I cannot answer, she will blow up bigger. I already know how to shut off 100% liao. Sometimes, when she talk nonsense, I only hear noise.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Yes, exactly right, if, for example they expect their wives to be as perfect as they are and (they let her know, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously) they will leave her if she does not meet up to their standards.
Don't reassure her. Just tell her, I won't divorce you, if you want to divorce me, I can't stop you.
Then ignore her and do what you want with your life. Switch off. If you had a nagging mother when you were young you should have learnt the skill to switch off.
Watch TV and ignore her when she starts her nonsense and say "orrrr" to whatever sh!t she says.
Talk to her when she is talking sense and just say "orrrrr" when she is talking nonsense. Don't reply. just give her the look and say "orrrr"
In the beginning it will be difficult but after a while, you would have learnt a new skill.
Just remember not to "do unto her what she does to you"
Just remember to "do unto her what you want her to do until you."
Even better, "do unto her what she wants you to do unto her..." as far as possible.
I said as far as possible because hey, you have a life too. Just because she wants you home every day the minute you finish work, and yes she wants that, but it is impossible as far as you are concerned.
On the other hand, when you see her, when you are with her, give her a massage, give her a hug... these are also things that she wants you to do and these are the things that you can do.
These small gestures also reassure her daily that you will not divorce her. Remember women are insecure creatures and they need reassuring everyday.
Use your brains how you can reassure her daily, even if it is not true.
For example, if you have the opportunity say stupid things in front of family and friends like, "I really cannot live without my wife" or "In the next life I still want to marry my wife" even if it is totally untrue.
This is why "bad" men can have good marriage. They lie through their teeth and the "good" men wonders why these idiots that are liars, cheaters and womanizers have such good marriages.
They might for example have lovers that do not threaten their marriage. They might have a lover in Batam or JB, for example. If he has to choose between the lover and the wife, he will always choose the wife and the lover and wife both knows it. (The wife knows that he will choose her, not the wife knows he has a lover/s).
So you see, it is how you balance the positives and the negatives. To you, it is black and white. You are either a good husband or you are not. The reality is that you are good in some ways and you are bad in some ways.
So in your mind, tell yourself, I am good in this way and I am bad in these way, take it or leave it. If you are all bad, sure, she will leave it. But as long as you are good (have what she wants, not good according to your own bible) in other ways, you will be fine.
You cannot give her everything she wants and you cannot satisfy her all the time and you have your own needs. Find a balance. Experiment.
Remember not to take and don't give back and also remember not to give and don't take. As for her nonsense, just ignore and say "orrrrr".
Some of your words make sense. But that would mean I have to learn to lie? I am not really very good at that. Maybe that's my weakness. I did not "hong" my wife like other men hoh?
I beginning to understand a little what you trying to say. But in practice, it won't be easy. Thanks for your advice
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Sorry this part don't understand, my english not very good. You've got another way to explain this in simpler words?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:Just remember not to "do unto her what she does to you"
Just remember to "do unto her what you want her to do until you."
Even better, "do unto her what she wants you to do unto her..." as far as possible.