Sianz...I contemplating divorce
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Of course it is not easy, otherwise, everyone will have perfect marriages.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:She already caught onto me many times liao. My "orrrr" and "mmm" she will notice one. She will test me later and if I cannot answer, she will blow up bigger. I already know how to shut off 100% liao. Sometimes, when she talk nonsense, I only hear noise.
Some of your words make sense. But that would mean I have to learn to lie? I am not really very good at that. Maybe that's my weakness. I did not "hong" my wife like other men hoh?
I beginning to understand a little what you trying to say. But in practice, it won't be easy. Thanks for your advice
"hong" your wife is a better term than "lie" hahaha I must learn from you how to use the better term... but "hong" and "lie" hahaha, to me, they are the same...
With women, you have to put your foot down but unlike with men, you have to put your foot down in a gentle manner.... you have to "hong" them.
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to turn a deaf ear to your wife is not a good idea as she would only get louder and louder until she gets your undivided attention by then you are already in a fighting mode.Maybe its already too late to try this but if you are not happy with her actions or things that she says you need to deal with it there and then.Do not try to ignore and think that your ears are not listening....or yes they do listen to every single word,this is to prevent you from holding up and exploding like a Volcano later.I dont know if I mentioned this before but here is one good way of voicing your grievances with her....get her to write down all the things that she is not happy about you and you do the same.Later just go through them together one at a time in a mature civil manner,the things you both agree just tick them and the things you dont you discuss.Sometimes we learn more by finding out the things we dont want to know.
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Hi TS,
I didnÂ’t read every post here, only read ur starting post. Have u found any solution yet? If not then here is my bit of advises.
In the first place I want to talk about your relationship. U are letting the 2 woman become your boss controlling u. Just imagine yourself serving under 2 diff boss that donÂ’t agree on each other. One said this and the other said that, donÂ’t u think is chaos? U will go crazy one day.
How about this? Turn the relationship over where u become their boss and let the 2 woman be your worker that work under u. DonÂ’t u think is more easy to manage? U want 2 worker or 2 boss u decide yourself. Well, how to make them listen to u willingly is an art. If u donÂ’t have the wisdom to do it then it will be real bad. Go and figure out a way. Maybe u can try the carrot and stick method?
The other one that I wanna chat about is your situation now. U got a new flat right? u can move into it with ur new wife first. Tell your mom to give u some time to settle down a bit. After that ask her not to sell her flat but come over to stay over the weekend and see how well it goes.
Good luck -
Doing oorrr and mmmm will only fuel the fire.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:She already caught onto me many times liao. My "orrrr" and "mmm" she will notice one. She will test me later and if I cannot answer, she will blow up bigger. I already know how to shut off 100% liao. Sometimes, when she talk nonsense, I only hear noise.
Some of your words make sense. But that would mean I have to learn to lie? I am not really very good at that. Maybe that's my weakness. I did not "hong" my wife like other men hoh?
I beginning to understand a little what you trying to say. But in practice, it won't be easy. Thanks for your advice
This kind of behavior is downright condescending to your wife.
And yes, you will pay for this later.
What you really need to do is to validate her feelings.
This word " validate" I cannot use enough.
Because men don't know how to effectively use it.
You know why she keep using divorce right ? Yep, because she knows you don't have the guts to give it to her.
Anyway, you're a pushover and the two most important women in your life knows about it.
What your wife is doing, telling you to do it her way.
She and your mom is in a power struggle and you are caught in-between.
Get yourself out of this fem war ( the fight to determine who rules the roost) -
Hi TS,
I have been following your threads, but have said nothing so far because others have pretty much covered everything that needs to be said.
But here, I would like to suggest a more creative approach of solving your problems.
I don't think the issue is fundamentally about your mom moving in, or others.
Fundamentally, I think it is your wife that is suffering from low self-esteem, and hence she needs to micro-manage you. That results in you suffering in bad relationships with say, your parents, and in turn, you feel resentful about it. Your wife feels that she needs to "own" more of you than anyone else, including your parents, friends.. etc.
Divorce is a quick but painful way to end the marriage.
An alternative might be to examine why your wife feels so insecure in life in the first place. Although that wouldn't solve your immediate problems, it might very well treat the root of the problem, instead of the symptoms.
Hope that helps. -
mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:You still weak. didn't learn lesson the last time. Please stand up for yourself. Unhappy, is a natural thing but your wife is taking it too far. Which couple don't quarrel and who is happy to quarrel. Did she really want to marry you in the first place? She want divorce. Then give it to her. I reminded my husband that I had agreed to his demand for divorce once. asked to move out 2 times. All of that he subsequently ask me to re-consider. However the day I move out. I never intend to move back. It will also be followed by a divorce request.
Easy solution to your issues:
You want to go overseas during CYN. She wanna stay. Then you go overseas. and she stay. Solved. She cannot care for your request, why should you care for hers?
She want to visit many family and entertain them. You visit the one you should visit. Problem solved. She want to catch up with her relatives, she can go anytime or call them any day. The one relative you should visit is your in-laws. The rest is just good will. Your relatives are also important to you but you never force her to visit everyone of them did you? Then during wedding, all the ang paos/gold she took from your relatives, she better cough them out.
As i said before in your previous airing of the same issue: how long are you going to give in to her tantrums, pamper her too much before you totally give up and become bitter. How long more do you want to give way to her wishes? You think this is building a r/s? Why can't she give way some times?
Learn from my lesson. I gave way too much! Everyday I think of moving out, divorce, unhappy, suffer hypertension, and all sorts. Everyday I live in regret.
I understand your wish not to stay with your mom. Seriously, its better for you guys and its not a sign that you do not love your mom. You do what you need to keep your r/s. 2 women under one roof with conflicting characters is going to make you crazy. My MIL is aggressive, nosy, careless, shallow, brainless and bossy lao ah lian. She will take every opportunity to bully me and she always want to win at all cost. I am introverted and quite and usually try to have peace by giving way. I end up unhappy all the time. Its really extreme if you see the situation i ended up. I have no say about my house, I cannot place my 2 pots of plants anywhere, I cannot use the washing machine on any days I want, I cannot try any feng shui thing I want. Anything, eveything, in my house, even my money, I have no say and my MIL demand to make decision how to even spend my money for me or she will make a big hu-ha. My husband believe in telling everything to my MIL thinking she is fair and a goddess or goodness in his eyes (this is the real mommy boy) and she takes it out on me later when everyone's not around. She's a real great actress - when my husband is around -wah she is like a saint, when my husband is out her words are sharper than swords and her acts are all out to hurt. My MIL even calls up my Mom and complain all sorts of lies about me till my mom was very upset. I cannot forgive her for the kind of things she's done causing hurt to my mom, for driving my r/s to the rocks and still claiming she's not trying to do anything. Seriously, if you ask me my one wish is that my MIL never existed at all. That will be peace for me, my husband and my FIL.
I'm glad you are standing up for yourself, and yes, it's high time indeed.
Your MIL is little different from my own MIL, who resorted to dirty tricks to wringing money from all of her children except the darling youngest.
I hope you prevail in the end.
Good luck! -
Just close one eye on your mum lor.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:There is no three of us trashing it out. I am on my wife's side with regards to moving into the new house. I will prevent my folks from interrupting us. Now the problem is my wife wants out here and there. So be it loh. -
be the bad guy, while true dat we shld always listen to our parents but this time dun u think dat your mum is too much?Originally posted by jeremy89632:Just close one eye on your mum lor.
hey, your wife is also a human!
if your mum is smart and CLEVER enough den she wouldnt be nagging you and fustrating you over staying with you or not. many parents nowadays do not want to stay with their children because: xiang1 jian4 rong2 yi4 xiang1 chu3 nan2, which means seeing each other is easy but living together is difficult, because each of us has different kind of habits in which others may not accept easily.
while u can try to be a good husband and a filial son but let me tell you this: DO NOT LET THEM THREATEN YOU TO GET THEIR WAY! -
girls are very selfishOriginally posted by Hello Kitty:separate le, wun wan to get bk de. -
my wife also the same , never stay with my mum also got problem with her, gals are funny creatureOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:Of course it is not easy, otherwise, everyone will have perfect marriages.
"hong" your wife is a better term than "lie" hahaha I must learn from you how to use the better term... but "hong" and "lie" hahaha, to me, they are the same...
With women, you have to put your foot down but unlike with men, you have to put your foot down in a gentle manner.... you have to "hong" them. -
Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
On the first one.If a married man is fooling around it means there is something really wrong & missing in the marriage itself and if he is having an extra marital affair it means sooner or later he would get caught or you could conclude that the marriage is already three quarter out the door.
the reason is that those men that fool around all the time has managed to convince their wifes that they will never leave them.
those perfect husbands send the wrong signals to their wives and have unhappiness in the marriage no end...
I think that you belong to the second category...
Don't take your marriage as sacred, just take it as marriage for life...[/b]
About the second one.If there is a perfect husband how could he be sending wrong signals? The problem with men is that they give their all during courtship and loses steam after marriage and that is how a man becomes imperfect.Not all women would demand that the love be the same or better over the years but for those who are over demanding then this is where the trouble starts (See Category one) -
Please hor, Dun generalise us just because some wifey and mother in laws cannot get along ya.Originally posted by t_a_s:girls are very selfish
I am alway good with anyone ya. -
i doubt TS has balls to carry out lah
he talk talk talk only, end up like his wife use divorce to threaten
most probably things will devolve into screaming matches like
i divorce u ha!
i then divorce u!
no, i divorce u first!
no no, is I divorce U!!
etc etc -
I dun agree that there is alway problem in marriage life that lead to men fooling around, some men fool around just to get the kick of it, in older days, men are allow to married 3-4 wives you know. It just that today laws stated one gal for one guy, no free gift.Originally posted by Short Ninja:On the first one.If a married man is fooling around it means there is something really wrong & missing in the marriage itself and if he is having an extra marital affair it means sooner or later he would get caught or you could conclude that the marriage is already three quarter out the door.
About the second one.If there is a perfect husband how could he be sending wrong signals? The problem with men is that they give their all during courtship and loses steam after marriage and that is how a man becomes imperfect.Not all women would demand that the love be the same or better over the years but for those who are over demanding then this is where the trouble starts (See Category one)
In fact, married men are very skillful in tackling gals, me nearly kennas trick by them, luckily me also can act, if not kennas eaten liao also dun know, some of my gf sometime get inolved with married men, most of them said they are single, then later when get the girl fell in love them, they then declared their married status knowing that the girl would go away. Poor girl, kenna tricked.
I will like to plead to all Married Men, Please stick to your wife and dun destroy another girl life for the sake of humanity and Love. Thank you -
please do not be so rash,think first k?you know getting married with the one you really love is not so easy,so dont give up so easily
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It is unfortunate to hear about your friends but surely they must known the risk involved .Hope that is not the reason why some of them decided to turn lesbo or else what a real waste!!Originally posted by angel7030:I dun agree that there is alway problem in marriage life that lead to men fooling around, some men fool around just to get the kick of it, in older days, men are allow to married 3-4 wives you know. It just that today laws stated one gal for one guy, no free gift.
In fact, married men are very skillful in tackling gals, me nearly kennas trick by them, luckily me also can act, if not kennas eaten liao also dun know, some of my gf sometime get inolved with married men, most of them said they are single, then later when get the girl fell in love them, they then declared their married status knowing that the girl would go away. Poor girl, kenna tricked.
I will like to plead to all Married Men, Please stick to your wife and dun destroy
another girl life for the sake of humanity and Love. Thank you
No need plead lah you stand up now If I go to the Club 69 do I wait all night at the counter or wat? Just kidding ,for starters I am 6,300 km away. 
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if it works for him... then its fineOriginally posted by theSquelch:i doubt TS has balls to carry out lah
he talk talk talk only, end up like his wife use divorce to threaten
most probably things will devolve into screaming matches like
i divorce u ha!
i then divorce u!
no, i divorce u first!
no no, is I divorce U!!
etc etc
seriously no one can tell but he's not having a easy time with this
and the friction is taking the toil in the r/s as can be seen. -
misty.....way to go, show your mil kick ass attitude...so now you're having cold war at home....is your relationship with your man still good or just going through the motions?.....
as for ts, time to assert your rightful position or bail out.... -
I've posted a reply or two in your first virgin post concerning your forever 'threatening with divorce wife'. And...I like to say it again. When another party in a marriage kept using that taboo word to emotionally manipulate, blackmail the other party into giving ways and into submission is almost a 100% a case goner. I did say that for how long will you be able to tolerate that kind of mental abuse. No matter how much one love the other, there is always a limit to things in life. I don't want to say 'See, I told you so. He has finally reach his limit.' But well, in the end I have to say it because my theory was proven right. YOU CERTAINLY HAS FINALLY REACH YOUR LIMIT of tolerance level.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I tot I do not have to post here again, but just let me whine a bit. Since Monday, my wife has threatened divorce once and presented the idea of divorce twice liao.
Here's the story. We are getting our own house. Woohoo! Then my Mum came into the picture. Boo! Initially, she had agreed to let both of us stay apart from them. But as the date draws near for us to move into our new house, Mum started nagging to sell her house and stay with us.
My stand is this from day 1; I do not want to stay with my folks. I have told my Mum in the face that I want to live separately from them. Not that unfilial or something, I love my parents, but I have personal reasons. My wife knows I'm with her, but she's overcomed by stress and fear that my mum may actually gets what she wants. I reassured her MANY MANY times that I won't let it happen. But don't know what she thinking, she began to pick a fight with me, accusing me of being Mummy's boy and say my mum betrayed her trust...bla bla bla(the rest is noise).
I HATE to be caught in the middle and it actually happens now. I love my wife, but perhaps not enough patience to counsel her. Hey, only God has infinite patience, I am only human. So the thing is this, over the years until now, she has successfully sold the idea of divorce into me. I do not want to fight it anymore. I already said yes once, but somehow we manage to make up. I even dreamt that I said yes in a dream and we spilt.
So now, it's only a matter of time. I am gonna say yes and make it real in one of our future quarrels. I can put up with her micro-managing my life and other stuff, but I do not like threats. I know in some way, I may have asked for it and partly my fault too. My mind is struggling to make sense of it all and salvage the whole thing, but I feel hopeless. Also, the temptation of absolute freedom is irresistible. In the end, I would probably grant her wish, and have the whole house to myself. No, I won't invite my folks to live with me. Feels like a cool thing afterall hoh?
Thank you for listening.
Moreover both of you are in your 30s. It's too immature and irresponsible for her to keep using that taboo word on you to make you succumb to her. Vile, totally vile and wicked.
Frankly, I don't think your mum's demand of wanting to stay with you both is really the issue here. That is just a speck of nuisance adding on to your real major problem here.
Aye, a separation is good and do it! Show your wife you no longer would let her keep using that taboo word to get her ways with you. You have to do it once just to let the message get across to her that you have reach your tolerance level. Let her panic and sweat about it. She will then realize the threat doesn't work anymore. She will have to mend her ways if she wants to get back with you. Oh, I'm pretty sure she loves you too but using threat to control another person into submission is not right.
Other forumners may not agree with my supporting you to separate but to me it is the best for both of you. DO IT! -
i think your biggest problem is that you don't have a wife, but a kid.
immature people do not become mature overnight. I am sure you realised that she was not mature when you married her to begin with. (oh, to add. Maturity does not come with age, but experience.)
and if you want her to grow up, you got to train her like you train your kids next time - with a lot of firmness and unlimited patience. -
My personal and very business like analysis of the situation:Originally posted by countdracula:misty.....way to go, show your mil kick ass attitude...so now you're having cold war at home....is your relationship with your man still good or just going through the motions?.....
as for ts, time to assert your rightful position or bail out....
The irony is that everyone wants to have harmony and happy life together. But somehow everyone's approach is different. However, no single approach is always the best, and I realised that my MIL approach is to take total control and do whatever is best for her family, which includes her 2 sons, 1 daughter and her 4 grandchildren. This in turn subverted the context of my marriage to her youngest son where I did not start a new family with him, instead became a part of the large extended family whereby I am expected to contribute to everyone's welfare while others being around longer has the option to reject putting in any contribution totally. However, the MIL never realised to this day that the two of us got married to start a new family. This misalignment and her attitude to take full control of the house and the people's lives living in it is where the most conflict is arising from. This is where my resentment arise as well because I had bend over backwards to give way in terms of the house, grandchildren, the Parent and Sibling in-laws, and even given up my rights to the whole house except my room. Yet she pressed on to access my bank account for her grand children. That is where I draw the line but anyways I feel everytime I give her money, I am giving her a slap on her face for the lies she made up. She had brought up her kids with no mental knowledge of financial planning nor savings. Hence her oldest son is always running out of money but having lots of branded goods. They also sell branded goods and make a tidy sum which instead gets invested in their personal entertainment as the cost of feeding their kids are conveniently made my MIL problem where she knows she will never get a cent off her oldest son and wife, hence she knows the path of least resistance is me since my husband always supports her and do not offer any protection from her demands.
Anything I can give in. BUT NEVER MY MONEY. I work hard for it I expect to have some savings to retire with and I should be the one to enjoy it first instead of being taxed dry by my so call "family". Besides, paying the money for a couple of months, I didn't get any better food. I also discover left overs are kept and reheated for my consumption while everyone gets freshly cooked food. If I ever ever decide to have kids, at least I know financial planning will be the one thing I will teach and I will not be shameless as my Brother-in-law as to make use of other people to keep my children fed.
Under such situation, I think I should be allowed to get really angry and demand better treatment. Husband, he's worried. However, whatever he thinks or whatever happens. I believe I deserve better and no one can give me this other than myself. -
Personally, i will leave the relationship when my other half tried to threaten me by emotion blackmailing. My heart is tender so don't keep me arrested. If my heart can't bear with the separation, i will give max 5 chances and there will be about it. A line to be drawn. Marriage isn't a prison to begin with. What is the direction of your love and marriage? It should be the same.
I feel that your wife is immature and has low self-esteem. Therefore, u have to be patient and be understanding with her, for the simple reason cos you love her. Love and forgiveness is powerful enough to heal almost all the broken pieces in a relationship. It depends on whether do both parties want to. Think back all the good times that both of you have, there put a smile on your face and wish her be happy.
Give yourself some space to breathe from all this little bugs. Be good to yourself. I feel you are probably emotionally tired and probably so is ur wife, there why she probably threaten to divorce. Don't Fu yan your wife by those OMMM or ORRR, quite disrespectful even to an outsider, not to Mention what your wife, a closed one will feel. She probably feel you should be there for her to listen to. The problems with men is that they don't listen well.
Since you have tried marriage counseling. Try it again.
Try inject the love back to the marriage, pamper or "hong" her and avoid arguing with one another for the time being.
I could say always try your best to save a marriage before the last attempt, divorcing. At least you will not regret walking away. -
looks like you've come far from playing the meek lamb...kudos...given the discomfort of the situation at home, perhaps you ought to engineer something...money is freedom and you should never ever surrender it....about time your man crawl out from whatever crevice he's been hiding in....Originally posted by mistyblue:My personal and very business like analysis of the situation:
The irony is that everyone wants to have harmony and happy life together. But somehow everyone's approach is different. However, no single approach is always the best, and I realised that my MIL approach is to take total control and do whatever is best for her family, which includes her 2 sons, 1 daughter and her 4 grandchildren. This in turn subverted the context of my marriage to her youngest son where I did not start a new family with him, instead became a part of the large extended family whereby I am expected to contribute to everyone's welfare while others being around longer has the option to reject putting in any contribution totally. However, the MIL never realised to this day that the two of us got married to start a new family. This misalignment and her attitude to take full control of the house and the people's lives living in it is where the most conflict is arising from. This is where my resentment arise as well because I had bend over backwards to give way in terms of the house, grandchildren, the Parent and Sibling in-laws, and even given up my rights to the whole house except my room. Yet she pressed on to access my bank account for her grand children. That is where I draw the line but anyways I feel everytime I give her money, I am giving her a slap on her face for the lies she made up. She had brought up her kids with no mental knowledge of financial planning nor savings. Hence her oldest son is always running out of money but having lots of branded goods. They also sell branded goods and make a tidy sum which instead gets invested in their personal entertainment as the cost of feeding their kids are conveniently made my MIL problem where she knows she will never get a cent off her oldest son and wife, hence she knows the path of least resistance is me since my husband always supports her and do not offer any protection from her demands.
Anything I can give in. BUT NEVER MY MONEY. I work hard for it I expect to have some savings to retire with and I should be the one to enjoy it first instead of being taxed dry by my so call "family". Besides, paying the money for a couple of months, I didn't get any better food. I also discover left overs are kept and reheated for my consumption while everyone gets freshly cooked food. If I ever ever decide to have kids, at least I know financial planning will be the one thing I will teach and I will not be shameless as my Brother-in-law as to make use of other people to keep my children fed.
Under such situation, I think I should be allowed to get really angry and demand better treatment. Husband, he's worried. However, whatever he thinks or whatever happens. I believe I deserve better and no one can give me this other than myself. -
If you are serious about changing your life, please do some action and find the lawyer yourself.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Please pm me if you have any laywer office to recommend. Thanks.
After 7 pages of advices and you still do not want to do anything about it.
Sadly wats the point of even advicing you at all? Cos you only complain and complain but no action is taken.
Your wife knows that you are too weak and have no guts that is why she is always bullying you. I once told you that you will crack soon or later and you told us all that you have taken control.
Quit the craping, find a lawyer and serve the divorce notice. -
What type of push? Angry or relaxed one?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:She will say "Shao lai che yi tao" and then push me away
Hmm...why not tackle it directly? Take out time and discuss with her calmly, and explain to her that you don't like those threats, and make her promise to you personally that she will not do so again. If she doesn't, ask her why does she make those threats to you? Listen to her reasons carefully and decide if she is over-demanding, explain to her why it is not possible, and suggest alternatives. Be pro-active when suggesting solutions. If her demands are reasonable, promise her that you will keep to the promise, and show her your actions.
In short, have a really good chat with her - but make sure to choose the right time and place. Discussing this at home when your mother is around is definitely not a good idea.