Sianz...I contemplating divorce
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It's not much of a power struggle, more of wife wants her way. I reassure her countless times, but it does not seem to work. Only when we get into big fights, then will she calm down. I hate to always argue then can make her listen. My wife and mum are both scared of me losing temper too. I'm just like those silent dog, I guess. Quiet quiet but have the worst bite. So wife now beginning to know when I'm going to lose it. I notice a change in her when I argue with her. Sometimes, she will keep quiet a bit one.Originally posted by jojobeach:Doing oorrr and mmmm will only fuel the fire.
This kind of behavior is downright condescending to your wife.
And yes, you will pay for this later.
What you really need to do is to validate her feelings.
This word " validate" I cannot use enough.
Because men don't know how to effectively use it.
You know why she keep using divorce right ? Yep, because she knows you don't have the guts to give it to her.
Anyway, you're a pushover and the two most important women in your life knows about it.
What your wife is doing, telling you to do it her way.
She and your mom is in a power struggle and you are caught in-between.
Get yourself out of this fem war ( the fight to determine who rules the roost)
She always tot gals will lose their marriage when guys go fooling around. I told her to wake up loh. New age guys treasure their freedom too. I am one of them. If I'm continue to being controlled, she will lose me and don't know what strike her. -
Misty, I think you and your husband should move out. Let him be free of the mother's nest, probably it would be better?Originally posted by mistyblue:if it works for him... then its fine
seriously no one can tell but he's not having a easy time with this
and the friction is taking the toil in the r/s as can be seen.
You can be firm against your MIL, but your hb is still pretty much attached to his family. If ever he's being forced to a corner, I do not know how high your chances of being with him is.
Good that you are taking action. But does that also mean everytime you cannot tahan, you move out? Isn't that in some way a form of threat? Will hb still believe you the next time you move out? -
Erm, thanks? I do have much more patience than other people, I guess.Originally posted by Spnw07:I have followed the posts in this thread. Through reading, I have come to learn more about marriages in real life and how complicated they can be, especially when it comes to human emotions.
First of all, I'm around TS's age and is single. So I'm in no position to give any advice and what's more, many angles of looking at TS's problem have already been given. It is really up to TS to decide.
TS, after reading all that in your thread, I really feel the pain and frustration you feel, though I can't say I can understand all exactly.
My personality is in some ways similar to yours, frustratedguy, in that it would cause me to react in almost the same way as you if I were in your situation. But the main difference is, you are more patient than I am, much more. I really cannot tahan micromanaging, but my mom bo bian, cos who ask her to be my mom. haha.
I can also empathise your wife in a way for I agree with some posts here suggesting that she may have a low self-esteem and she is quite insecure with people and things around her. Most of all, she is feeling insecure deep inside. But though we never really got to know whether your wife has some past experiences which moulded her into becoming the way she is at the point of ROM and when leading a married life now.
As a guy, I feel that you are quite the man liao. I simply cannot tahan that long cos I am introverted and dislike being in conflict with loved ones for too long. I also dislike having to explain everything in detail when there are far too many things which I don't even know how to solve myself. I'm already frustrated and yet my wife still wants to ask me to give a solution, only to rebut any solution I can give at that short notice. Even if time is given, with my intellect and limited life experience, I don't see how I can be expected to give satisfactory answers on anything my wife expects me to answer.
That said, the only practical solution so far, in my opinion, is still to consider seeing a marital counsellor together. An objective and neutral third party, a professional in your area of concern, would help to air out and possibly resolve deep-seated misunderstandings due to a wide range of interlinked causes.
Take care, frustratedguy.
P.S: Reading posts from TS and those commented from a position of a married person, it makes me think more deeply about marriage. Perhaps marriage is really not for a weak guy like me.
Yeah, conflicts and confrontations are really unnecessary. Live free like a bird. Why go and control everything so tightly? 90% of the problems we can't control and eventually, everything will work out fine.
No need to see counsellor lah. She has made it so that if our marriage were to end, it would just end loh. She won't agree to counselling one. Pre-marital counselling's advice she can turn a deaf ear, what chance do I have of a post-marital counselling? HAHA! -
walao your wife is really like a jerk la.. just divorce her la..
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Thanks for your kind wordsOriginally posted by Frustrated_guy:Misty, I think you and your husband should move out. Let him be free of the mother's nest, probably it would be better?
You can be firm against your MIL, but your hb is still pretty much attached to his family. If ever he's being forced to a corner, I do not know how high your chances of being with him is.
Good that you are taking action. But does that also mean everytime you cannot tahan, you move out? Isn't that in some way a form of threat? Will hb still believe you the next time you move out?
Its pretty hard. R/s is not easy. -
I am bad-tempered and bear grudges too. Haiz, so I really can't consider marriage, huh?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Both my wife and I are bad-tempered. Good thing about her is she doesn't bear grudges, but unfortunately, I do. I can't tell the difference sometimes when she threaten divorce is, am I bearing grudges or am I being driven to a corner?
Like some of you mention, she also said I will regret when I divorce because it will be painful and there will be a mental scar. But what scar will I have if I regain back my life to a time of peace and freedom?
Our house is in renovation works. I believe it's something good to look forward to. If things go things go the way they should, it would be good. But if she blew her top and mention divorce, it should be over. I reckon it should be next year when I succumb to her threat. Hey, I'm not rushing it. Gotta give it the best before I end it all, right?
P.S. Just for the record, she threaten again last Saturday, 13/10/2007. Cheers! -
I know MIL-DIL r/s not easy. Tat why I do not want both to live together. Even worse if 1 party starts to badmouth the other. HB being caught in between is always a distressing situation...Originally posted by mistyblue:Thanks for your kind words
Its pretty hard. R/s is not easy. -
just be nice to your wife. She just wants to have privacy with you and all of you to herself.
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Honestly, not all marriages are the same. Or maybe I should say, not all wives are the same. Think about the reasons both of you want to get together.Originally posted by Spnw07:I am bad-tempered and bear grudges too. Haiz, so I really can't consider marriage, huh?
When angry, don't bring out all the angry words, much worse purposely irritating what the other party don't like to hear. Because I'm a patient guy, my wife knows only by threatening divorce she can irritate me. So be it loh. I can entertain her until all hell breaks loose. -
That is not really possible. If a couple have been through marriage counselling, it says even in marriage, each other needs to have their own privacy and time. All the time together will bring frustration and other negativity in.Originally posted by norm:just be nice to your wife. She just wants to have privacy with you and all of you to herself.
I got listen one, ok.
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I think that's where counselling helps.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:That is not really possible. If a couple have been through marriage counselling, it says even in marriage, each other needs to have their own privacy and time. All the time together will bring frustration and other negativity in.
I got listen one, ok.
I would think that counselling will be a good thing for your marriage.
If your wife doesn't want counselling, try telling her the alternative is a lose-lose divorce. I know she highlighted that you would be a big time loser in the event of the divorce, but hey, she's also part of the losing deal too. -
You know that email story about this boy who often loses his temper and once day the father/mother tells him everytime he loses his temper to go and bang some nails in the fence? After like 1 month or what, he told the boy to remove it. Then he showed the boy the holes left by the nails.
Maybe you can send it to your wife so she understands that when she loses her temper, the hurt she can cause is permanent even when she says sorry, sometimes it is hard to heal.
Sometimes they are not aware of how often she uses hurting words when they are angry. Record it down quietly, show it to her one of the occasions when both of you are having good talk.
And ask her, if you have been married for 3 years, and she spends 25% of the time quarreling and asking about divorce, ask her does she really feel this unhappy married to you. -
yeah I know. Its distressing for him. Actually he was the one who made the choice to live together. I told him its not good. He insisted and I give way because I know it means much to him to stay with his parents and near his siblings and his nieces and nephews. But at the end, there are conflicts because of the way I live is dramatically different from his family. His mother has hell lot of complains and she blasted at my mom - then later deny everything when confronted. She also know what to say to her son and press his buttons to appear good and kind in front of him. I didn't care if I offend him nowadays but putting up with alot of things for the past year. Sometimes, I know his mom is jealous of me, I also know his mom cannot let go... What to do... He stress loh .. I also stress lohOriginally posted by Frustrated_guy:I know MIL-DIL r/s not easy. Tat why I do not want both to live together. Even worse if 1 party starts to badmouth the other. HB being caught in between is always a distressing situation... -
Ya! i agreed, in the way of telling people here the way your wife acted, i believe you should, in term of your marriage, call it a day.Originally posted by Zarks:walao your wife is really like a jerk la.. just divorce her la..
Having said that, as usual, we only heard one side of the story. -
Agree.Originally posted by angel7030:Ya! i agreed, in the way of telling people here the way your wife acted, i believe you should, in term of your marriage, call it a day.
Having said that, as usual, we only heard one side of the story.
It's only one side of the story.
Frustrated_guy,
You did mention you often piss her off.
I'm pretty sure you are not as gentleman to her ,as you would want others to believe during an argument/disagreement.
My couples com instructor once mentioned.
It's cheaper to make your wife happy. Because divorce is a hefty price to pay.
During a disagreement.
Never insist your reasoning is right.
Your size 13 shoes will not fit her size 6 feet. -
If she wants her way, why arn't you giving it to her ?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:It's not much of a power struggle, more of wife wants her way. I reassure her countless times, but it does not seem to work. Only when we get into big fights, then will she calm down. I hate to always argue then can make her listen. My wife and mum are both scared of me losing temper too. I'm just like those silent dog, I guess. Quiet quiet but have the worst bite. So wife now beginning to know when I'm going to lose it. I notice a change in her when I argue with her. Sometimes, she will keep quiet a bit one.
She always tot gals will lose their marriage when guys go fooling around. I told her to wake up loh. New age guys treasure their freedom too. I am one of them. If I'm continue to being controlled, she will lose me and don't know what strike her.
Why do you have to keep fighting her like this ?
Women are insecure creatures, and we are creatures of desires.
The more you don't want to give her, the more she will want it and demand it.
When you offer it in abundance on a plate, she will turn her head away when she is tired of it after the first two bites.
All you need to do is figure out what she wants.
If she wants security. you throw a heap at her, no need to wait for her next demand of it, just give her lots anytime you have it.
Soon she will demand less of it.
Soon she will get tired of it.
Soon she will no longer ask of it.
Why does she need to control you with a leash, if you walk beside her willingly ? Without her commanding you to heel all the time ?
So, stop fighting her.
Denying her what she wants doesn't make you feel more like a man. Does it ? -
Funny.. some of us condemn the TS and the wife and so who the hell is right and wrong here ?
The end issue is both are right and wrong.
I hope Ts contemplate and think properly ... what is his next steps.
It is his life after all and he is responsible for how he wants to lead it.
We are just side-liners. -
stand your ground...stay out more often and if the man asks why, let fly that you don't have a home, only a bed where you sleep....your husband is a mommy's boy...make him understand the consequence of holding onto his mommy's apron string...Originally posted by mistyblue:yeah I know. Its distressing for him. Actually he was the one who made the choice to live together. I told him its not good. He insisted and I give way because I know it means much to him to stay with his parents and near his siblings and his nieces and nephews. But at the end, there are conflicts because of the way I live is dramatically different from his family. His mother has hell lot of complains and she blasted at my mom - then later deny everything when confronted. She also know what to say to her son and press his buttons to appear good and kind in front of him. I didn't care if I offend him nowadays but putting up with alot of things for the past year. Sometimes, I know his mom is jealous of me, I also know his mom cannot let go... What to do... He stress loh .. I also stress loh -
Actually, I can bear the occasional arguments. It's the threat that I cannot stand. For her, she loses it when she gets angry. I have talked to her before liao. She promised not to do it. So now what? She knows it irritates the hell outta me and she purposely do it again and again.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:You know that email story about this boy who often loses his temper and once day the father/mother tells him everytime he loses his temper to go and bang some nails in the fence? After like 1 month or what, he told the boy to remove it. Then he showed the boy the holes left by the nails.
Maybe you can send it to your wife so she understands that when she loses her temper, the hurt she can cause is permanent even when she says sorry, sometimes it is hard to heal.
Sometimes they are not aware of how often she uses hurting words when they are angry. Record it down quietly, show it to her one of the occasions when both of you are having good talk.
And ask her, if you have been married for 3 years, and she spends 25% of the time quarreling and asking about divorce, ask her does she really feel this unhappy married to you. -
I have to be honest hoh, don't be angry. I think staying together will not help. Maybe for a while when cards are laid, threats are made and each party promises to be OK. Then soon, the whole cycle repeats itself.Originally posted by mistyblue:yeah I know. Its distressing for him. Actually he was the one who made the choice to live together. I told him its not good. He insisted and I give way because I know it means much to him to stay with his parents and near his siblings and his nieces and nephews. But at the end, there are conflicts because of the way I live is dramatically different from his family. His mother has hell lot of complains and she blasted at my mom - then later deny everything when confronted. She also know what to say to her son and press his buttons to appear good and kind in front of him. I didn't care if I offend him nowadays but putting up with alot of things for the past year. Sometimes, I know his mom is jealous of me, I also know his mom cannot let go... What to do... He stress loh .. I also stress loh
DIL and MIL lifestyles are never in sync one. Maybe got, but very rare. They only have 1 thing in common, the son. Which means, both will be fighting for him for a long time. And since, son and mother have been living in that flat for so long, DIL will have to bear with it when she moves in. If son refuses to move out, I cannot see how this can resolve the delicate rift that exists between DIL and MIL. Good luck to your HB. He want to live like that, he have to bear the stress. -
I think she does not realise how often she threatens to divorce you. That is why I think you need to show her visually how many days in a month, she may use this as a weapon against you.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Actually, I can bear the occasional arguments. It's the threat that I cannot stand. For her, she loses it when she gets angry. I have talked to her before liao. She promised not to do it. So now what? She knows it irritates the hell outta me and she purposely do it again and again.
Hell, compromise and give her a quota within a time span, i.e. maximum 3 times in 1 month. Mark it on the calendar you have on the wall each time she says it. If she says it moe than that, tell her you will take her seriously. If not give 3 chances to /ignore her childish speech. -
Yeah, I do piss her off, but most of the time I do not know the reason. But no, I'm never violent or say things to purposely irritate her. I'm more of a logic guy than emotional.Originally posted by jojobeach:Agree.
It's only one side of the story.
Frustrated_guy,
You did mention you often piss her off.
I'm pretty sure you are not as gentleman to her ,as you would want others to believe during an argument/disagreement.
My couples com instructor once mentioned.
It's cheaper to make your wife happy. Because divorce is a hefty price to pay.
During a disagreement.
Never insist your reasoning is right.
Your size 13 shoes will not fit her size 6 feet.
I can raise an arm, and then she din say the reason, then scold me liao. I can stand at one particular spot, she frowned and then scold me liao. I talk to my parents, can't remember everything in detail, then she scold me liao. I ask her why she like to scold me, she said I irritate her. I was like WTF?!! If I have, I must admit I din do it on purpose.
But I agree, when a marriage got something wrong, not 1 party at fault. I admit I must have done something wrong too. But does it warrant a threat of divorce? Hmmm..... -
If all she wants affects her life, then OK. But my stuff she also wants to control leh. So, I practically become a robot and all will be fine? I like freedom. I believe in free will. I hate control. So, I never restrict her. That said, if she wants divorce, why should I stop her, right? It's all free will.Originally posted by jojobeach:If she wants her way, why arn't you giving it to her ?
Why do you have to keep fighting her like this ?
Women are insecure creatures, and we are creatures of desires.
The more you don't want to give her, the more she will want it and demand it.
When you offer it in abundance on a plate, she will turn her head away when she is tired of it after the first two bites.
All you need to do is figure out what she wants.
If she wants security. you throw a heap at her, no need to wait for her next demand of it, just give her lots anytime you have it.
Soon she will demand less of it.
Soon she will get tired of it.
Soon she will no longer ask of it.
Why does she need to control you with a leash, if you walk beside her willingly ? Without her commanding you to heel all the time ?
So, stop fighting her.
Denying her what she wants doesn't make you feel more like a man. Does it ? -
just divorce before u really kill her la.. she cant understand anything or how u really feel.. to me, she doesnt even care how u feel but only hers
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HAHA! Quota ah. Got lah. I got record. My mobile sms also got her sms threats. Now I using forum to record loh. Thanks.Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:I think she does not realise how often she threatens to divorce you. That is why I think you need to show her visually how many days in a month, she may use this as a weapon against you.
Hell, compromise and give her a quota within a time span, i.e. maximum 3 times in 1 month. Mark it on the calendar you have on the wall each time she says it. If she says it moe than that, tell her you will take her seriously. If not give 3 chances to /ignore her childish speech.