Parental Control.
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I think talking to the parents have been ruled out by her mother's unreasonable ways.
Times like this, I believe a child driven up the wall will either become anti-social or become very sociable such that he/she is already rebellious -
There's a chinese phrase for this "wu ji bi fan", literally meaning that anything at the extreme will flip.
All I can say is, her mother has the right intentions but wrong methods. The communication route is basically dead. Has TS tried to engage, for example, her grandparents (esp on the maternal side)? And yea, mothers are usually more partial towards sons and fathers are more partial towards daughters from my personal observation.
Communication is key. And basically, when your mother starts to go berserk, walk away. It's not good to fight fire with fire. The heat escalates and everything goes out of control very soon.
As for results-wise, do ask for help from your friends around you. I believe there are enough people out there who are kind enough to give you a helping hand in studies wherever they able to. -
i understand ur situation man..my parents will like this too until i totally rebelled..if u feel that u cannot cope with ur work load, ask ur parents to meet with the teachers to explain that retaining maybe a good option. Afterall, retaining another yr to consolidate what u have learnt is better than going nowhere with E E E grades after A levels. Then u will have wasted 2 yrs instead of 1..
Try to understand that ur parents are trying to protect u but at the same time, try to reason with them also. I noe its hard. Perhaps u can try asking them why are they so uptight with u. The most if u feel that if u really need a breather, get ur frens to help u lie to ur parents and go out and relax for a day. Its better than being an emotional wreck at home and taking a break from all that problems will certainly help u in ur studies as well.
And try to save up as well in case they try to cut ur pocket money. I had that problems with that. gd luck!
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Have u tried talking to ur dad instead?
Don be discouraged, retain or going to other alternative route, you have a choice to be made. You learn from this mistake, every setback u encounter, u have to bounce back higher.
It is your life. Don let others discourage you ok? =D
May i know which jc are u from? -
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hey im 17 and in a jc this year too , lets be friend ?
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My close friends know about it, my jc friends don't know much about it. They just after some time stop calling me out.Originally posted by udontknowme:do your friends know about this situation between you and your mom?
how are your relationships like with your friends? (esp since your mom doesnt let you out...)
how about teachers? is there one you can talk to about you not being able to promote to J2 and that your mom most probably will not accept it...
try the school counsellor. he/she will be able to get in touch with your mom and try to talk to her.
or you can try to write a letter to your mom. explaining how you feel etc. but if you ever want to do that, think before you write and choose your words carefully...
I don't mind getting retained, because that one more year may really help. My mom most probably won't accept it because she thinks I did not study and did not put in any effort.
I wrote a letter before to both my parents. My dad tried talking to my mum and argued with her. But my mum said "NO", case close. -
Ok Try this again. Talk to your dad alone. I think your dad is trying to help you but he doesn't know how to. Cry in front of him or something. Let all the frustration come out but whatever you do , don't say bad things about your mom or else he also will give up. Just put your situation as plainly as possible.Originally posted by tjrain:My close friends know about it, my jc friends don't know much about it. They just after some time stop calling me out.
I don't mind getting retained, because that one more year may really help. My mom most probably won't accept it because she thinks I did not study and did not put in any effort.
I wrote a letter before to both my parents. My dad tried talking to my mum and argued with her. But my mum said "NO", case close.
She will have to accept it if you fail and worse if you do terribly in A levels - her future vision for you is gone as well. -
Yup, I tried. My dad tried talking to my mum, but my mum rejects everything, and argued and say "NO" than case close. Now my dad just be neutral or take on my mum's side.Originally posted by Hocklez:Have u tried talking to ur dad instead?
Don be discouraged, retain or going to other alternative route, you have a choice to be made. You learn from this mistake, every setback u encounter, u have to bounce back higher.
It is your life. Don let others discourage you ok? =D
May i know which jc are u from?
I don't mind retaining. I'm from..PJC. -
Hi, im Tjrain's fren. And i know about her situation. Her mum is jus too much. I know that she is trying to be protective over Tjrain, but i think she is too much. She is treating Tjrain like a criminal or sth. Besides Tjrain is way better then her younger bro.
Her studies since secondary school was good, and she made it to JC. Unlike her younger bro who have been failing almost all his subjects. yet, her mum is more bias on the younger one. Her mum will listen to every single word from him. But not any word from Tj. I don't understand why a mum would treat her own daughter such a way. It makes Tjrain feel so upset and hurt. It seems that tjrain can't take all these anymore. Her mum is giving her so much pressure on her studies, life and everything she does. She can't even go out wif her frens.
Tjrain is giving out her best in everything she do, so as to satisfy her mum and to make her life better. But now i think it is getting worse.. She tried telling her mum she cant cope with her studies but her mum still pressurises her and said it is a disgrace to her family if she retains or fail. I seriously dunno how to make her mum understand her better and at least listen to Tjrain for just once. All i know is she somwhow doesnt trust Tjrain and she is twisting the facts.
I really can't think of any good ways to help Tjrain. It seems that most of the solutions i gave her cant work. Does anyone have a good suggestion and advice? -
No offence but your mom should wake up and smell the coffee man! What age is this? The age of the Dinosaurs?!
Anyway do you have some relative, an uncle or auntie or cousin who you can trust and can confide in? Maybe they can help to persuade your mom to wake up? Can't really think of much at the moment.
On a sidenote, if it makes you feel any better, how many rich people you know actually have PhDs or even a uni degree to begin with? And how many PhD holders and degree holders end up as their workers, destined to work for the rest of their life? Do you think someone like Warren Buffet knows or even cares to know the difference between say, speed and velocity? So getting retained is not exactly the end of the world, not even close.
Besides, PhD = Playing with His D!ck or Playing with Her Dildo. And MBA = Masturbating Brutally in his/her A$$. -
Have you tried seeking professional help? I don't know to what extent they can help, but its better than talking back to your mother and fail.
It's hard for parents to accept their children being retained and maybe a counselling session could be arranged? Your school should be able to help, but i hope you don't do anything stupid. -
tjrain,Originally posted by tjrain:I'm 17/f this year, but my parents keep a tight control over me. I got two younger brothers. I tried to be a good daughter, I gave in to their every wants and tried to obey them. Everyday I come home after school, and don't even go out on weekends because thats what they wanted.
I pass every exams and did fairly well to get on smoothly in my education journey, and ended up getting into a junior college against my wish. My parents opposed to me going poly as they think that poly is not a good route. They expect the best from me, in studies wise and behaviour, but doesn't expect anything from my younger brother.
I failed badly for my jc, and I didn't know what how to tell my parents that. My mum die die also want me to promote, retain is like disgrace to the family, as so she sees it. And until know, I don't know how to tell it to her.
First of all you must try and remember this any amount of success in your academics will be solely your credit. You may go onto the podium and thank all who has contributed to your success, but ultimately at the end of the day the awards, trophies and accolades of your acheivements are yours. Have a look at the awards whose name will be on it. I am sure it isn't going to be your mother's.
Your mother as you had mentioned does have apprehension about poly which is quite understandable as she is trying to "help" you to the path of university where hopefully you can get a vast opportunity in your future career and education path as compared to poly. Look at our ministers being conferred with degrees every now and then from local and overseas insitutions of higher learning.
I do not know where and how you will do well in poly but if you are sure about it (which I hope is all for the better) then you could speak to your teacher and/or school counsellor about your plans. See if what you perceive is true and better than where you are now. I think your mum is concern that you are trying too anxiously to get into the working world by embarking into poly. And maybe for some other "hidden" and "foolish" reasons known to you and anticipated by her.
Secondly, TRUST. I believe you would recall a saying: A glass once broken cannot be.....mended. I believe that your mother's reaction is not without reason. I do not mean to be offending here, but as you had mentioned that you had a previous occassion when you left home, and there must be some "acts" of defiance which led to her drastic reaction of calling the police and sending you to a girls home. [Pardon me here, if I am wrong but I am just relating from your account. Please correct me here if I have erred.] Now, if someone you love has broke your trust, did you ever feel that it is so difficult to place your trust in that person again? Your mother is also a human being, she may rant and rave but don't you think that she is hurting inside? Who in the sane mind and world would want to have the police and lock up facility for their loved ones? Ask yourself this, can you bear to send her to the old folks home and let people use sub-standards and quality to take care her? You must be mindful that it is not easy to overlook the past especially when something quite grave had happened and it takes time and a lot of EFFORTS on both parties. Look at our Yellow Ribbon project and you should understand this point, why do you think there's a need for this project if all of us are so easy to grant others a 2nd chance? If you think your mother's reaction as over exaggerated then try and imagine yourself at the other end with strangers instead of your mother.
Thirdly, Responsibility and Love. Did you know that these 2 are the most difficult to teach and practice in a relationship? Have you heard of the story "The Mother Crow"? [Let me know if you have not. I will share in another post]
It is just difficult to teach, practice and relate. I hope you remember this you may choose your dress, blouse, food, house and friends BUT you cannot choose your parents and same as your parents too. What makes you think that your parent(s) love you any lesser? TS do they need to put up with you for 17 years if they do not love you?? As you grow up, and being a fairer sex (no discrimination here) you will understand that it is always the fairer sex that suffers and looses the most when they commit mistakes. And since you are the eldest in your family as well, you have a heavier responsibilty to your younger sibilings. Had it occur to you that when she shouted at you--it might be instances where it might be affecting the younger ones? And if you react in a negative way and the younger ones follow--what do u think will happen? Mutiny? Perhaps your younger sibiling reacted the opposite which is why your parents will have to accord them differently??!!
Look. At the end of the day, you will grow up and have a family one day yourself. The sooner you can place yourself in Her (your mother) shoes the faster you will understand her pains. Will she give you a piece of STONE when you are hungry? Will she abandon you if you needed help? I don't think so, I believe that she loves you so much until she is DESPERATE sick as to when you will understand all her efforts. Remember ALL PARENTS WILL ALWAYS WANT THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN.
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Talk to a femal relative. An aunt or family friend. Some parents would rather listen to an outsider than family, from what feel. Get her to be a mediator.
For me, sometimes when I go out, parents ask why Im always going out. When I always stay at home, they say why stay at home, go find job, threatening this and that.
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tjrain, what your mum is doing you definitely won't like it. But it's for your own good. Think about it, they have live in this world for 40 years? whereas you only 17 years, and out of which you only started to see the world since 13, sec 1, which is only 4 years.
There are many types of ppl out there and dangerous things that may happen to you. So she is just "better be safe than sorry". You may think she favors the younger child more, but the youngest child happens to be a boy. Boys won't get pregnant, girls do. Try your best to listen to her, sometimes voice up. It doesn't matter if she doesn't listen, it's perfectly normal. Just follow what she says and you will be glad you listened to her when you finish your studies. You will gain your complete independence when you start working, most probably.
with regards to poly or JC, your mum did the most sensible choice (it may not be the right choice, but it's the most safest route to choose) If I have my kids in future, I'll want them to be in JC as well, cos after you graduated from uni, your future will be smooth sailing!
Try to endure ok? after your JC, go uni. Only after uni you can start to enjoy the fruits of your labour. You will be thankful to your mum and hopefully you still can remember me
Look at me, I'm trying so hard to get a degree now (I've lost touch w studies), but for you it shouldn't be too difficult.
But if you really tried your best and really can't do well in JC (that's sad) den you may consider going to poly. That's really your last alternative.
Hope these helps you in your life -
hey PJC is very close to my JC too ! Dont worry and cheer up ,things gonna be fine and what i can say is keep standing by what you believe and pushing for your freedom and things would get better, thats what i had always believe, if you want something, fight for it.
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Hi MementoMori,
it's good to have u as a friend of Tyrain, but try to be supportive rather den telling her how bad her mum is. Some mums tend to be overprotective, which Tyrain's happen to be one. Since she doesn't allow her to go out, respect her wishes. She's her mum afterall. In any case you are welcome to her place right? You can come to her place often, chitchat, do schoolwork tgt etc.. or you can also meet nearby the house. Maybe at the coffee shop for dinner etc.
If you really concerned about Tyrain, try to be on friendly terms with her mum, gain her mum's trust on you slowly and afterwhich you may start going to nearby plcs tgt and hopefully she may allow you two to go out once in a bluemoon.
Trust is the main thing now. Everything takes time. Jus go slow and not rush k -
go to your school counsellor, talk to him or her... Do seek help from them as they can give u sound advise =D
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Your mum should at least listen to what you or your dad is saying rather than rejecting them straightway. Yup. I guess perhaps your dad is helping you if not why should he bother to agrue with your mum. My suggestion to solve this problem is have a word with your mum. Tell her exactly how you feel and it is not nice that you keep rejecting. Use a friendly tone to talk with her.Originally posted by tjrain:Yup, I tried. My dad tried talking to my mum, but my mum rejects everything, and argued and say "NO" than case close. Now my dad just be neutral or take on my mum's side.
I don't mind retaining. I'm from..PJC.
If it fails again and your mum has come back to her old habit of rejecting, I suggest that perhaps you will like to seek professional help to solve your emotional problem.
When talking to her,
1. Try to probe the reason why she is doing that to you. Is it because of your safety or because of other reasons like wanting you to take care of your two younger brothers?
2. After you have more or less guessed the reason, for example, your safety,
try to negotiate with her like you can go out with your friends weekly and come back by what time.
There is a chinese proverb that says, we depend on our parents at home while we rely on our friends outside. -
The Queen owns !!!
talk to ur mum lor.. she wil not worry too much if she can trust u -
Yah. i will support her. But sometimes see tjrain like that like so torturing >_<. make me feel her mum is kinda too much. Lol. As for going to her hse, i can try.. since after she moved her hse. Im at 1 end and she is at the other end >_<. Anyway her mum knows me, so i can go to her hse.. i think so..Originally posted by kerts:Hi MementoMori,
it's good to have u as a friend of Tyrain, but try to be supportive rather den telling her how bad her mum is. Some mums tend to be overprotective, which Tyrain's happen to be one. Since she doesn't allow her to go out, respect her wishes. She's her mum afterall. In any case you are welcome to her place right? You can come to her place often, chitchat, do schoolwork tgt etc.. or you can also meet nearby the house. Maybe at the coffee shop for dinner etc.
If you really concerned about Tyrain, try to be on friendly terms with her mum, gain her mum's trust on you slowly and afterwhich you may start going to nearby plcs tgt and hopefully she may allow you two to go out once in a bluemoon.
Trust is the main thing now. Everything takes time. Jus go slow and not rush k -
Hi,Originally posted by MementoMori:Hi, im Tjrain's fren. And i know about her situation. Her mum is jus too much. I know that she is trying to be protective over Tjrain, but i think she is too much. She is treating Tjrain like a criminal or sth. Besides Tjrain is way better then her younger bro.
Her studies since secondary school was good, and she made it to JC. Unlike her younger bro who have been failing almost all his subjects. yet, her mum is more bias on the younger one. Her mum will listen to every single word from him. But not any word from Tj. I don't understand why a mum would treat her own daughter such a way. It makes Tjrain feel so upset and hurt. It seems that tjrain can't take all these anymore. Her mum is giving her so much pressure on her studies, life and everything she does. She can't even go out wif her frens.
Tjrain is giving out her best in everything she do, so as to satisfy her mum and to make her life better. But now i think it is getting worse.. She tried telling her mum she cant cope with her studies but her mum still pressurises her and said it is a disgrace to her family if she retains or fail. I seriously dunno how to make her mum understand her better and at least listen to Tjrain for just once. All i know is she somwhow doesnt trust Tjrain and she is twisting the facts.
I really can't think of any good ways to help Tjrain. It seems that most of the solutions i gave her cant work. Does anyone have a good suggestion and advice?
Do you know the story "The Mother Crow"? Read it and you will understand what the mother is trying? You think all that raving and ranting is driving your friend to the wall? What happens when she is out working in the society one day as a CEO? See whether the pressures from the board is gonna be lesser than what she gets from her loving mother. -
Her mother may have good intention but I just think her method is very wrong.
Like many others had said...
You should try seeking of help from your relatives. They might be able to reason your mother out. If it doesn't work, don't lose hope.
You once mention that your mother does listen to your brothers so why not ask your brother or "psycho" him to persuade your mother. Perhaps your brother can do something, after all.. she's bais towards him.
Everyone is born to be free.
I guess even though your mother is against the idea of retaining, you still have to be retained aren't you.
You can also seek help from school councillor.
They can do something. Perhaps call your parents down and they may talk to your parents. -
coincidentally, i was from pjc too last time...
personally (no offence), telling her the story of The Mother Crow isnt going to help her in anyway. talking abt the future when she becomes CEO and facing pressure from the board isnt going to help also when she is facing pressure from her mum. to me, facing pressure from boss and from your own mum is the same. it is only how u deal with it.
to MementoMori,
i understand your intention of posting here to help your fren. dun worry, if i were you, i also dunnoe how to help her, since dere is this saying "jia jia dou you ben nan nian de jing". i suggest dat the way to help her is dat provide emotional support for her i.e be there when she is down, listen to her rantings and stuff.
to Tjrain,
pjc has re-exam right? (if dey still have for those who are unable to promote).
i noe pjc has really very caring and gd teachers. why nt approach them for assistance (i am sure u noe)? i was once in somehow your situation and they gave me very useful advices and support
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Where do you come from? North Korea?Originally posted by kerts:tjrain, what your mum is doing you definitely won't like it. But it's for your own good. Think about it, they have live in this world for 40 years? whereas you only 17 years, and out of which you only started to see the world since 13, sec 1, which is only 4 years.
There are many types of ppl out there and dangerous things that may happen to you. So she is just "better be safe than sorry". You may think she favors the younger child more, but the youngest child happens to be a boy. Boys won't get pregnant, girls do. Try your best to listen to her, sometimes voice up. It doesn't matter if she doesn't listen, it's perfectly normal. Just follow what she says and you will be glad you listened to her when you finish your studies. You will gain your complete independence when you start working, most probably.
with regards to poly or JC, your mum did the most sensible choice (it may not be the right choice, but it's the most safest route to choose) If I have my kids in future, I'll want them to be in JC as well, cos after you graduated from uni, your future will be smooth sailing!
Try to endure ok? after your JC, go uni. Only after uni you can start to enjoy the fruits of your labour. You will be thankful to your mum and hopefully you still can remember me Look at me, I'm trying so hard to get a degree now (I've lost touch w studies), but for you it shouldn't be too difficult.
But if you really tried your best and really can't do well in JC (that's sad) den you may consider going to poly. That's really your last alternative.
Hope these helps you in your life
Sorry, but in Singapore, I believe we practice democracy and respect personal rights and liberty.