Juz a story~~
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Originally posted by nightsky87:
Hold on? your reply to the TS really surprises me. The actions of TS's boyfriend borders on psychotic possesiveness, from attempting to control her STUDIES (stop TS from going to US, waste her time even though she has exams), to FRIENDS (feel threatened by other suitors, her guy friends, etc), her TIME (do all kind of errands), MONEY (facial products also want to control spending), FAMILY (does not visit her family, obviously no respect for her parents), her SAFETY (dont bother to send her home late at night). What other aspect of her life do you want him to control?
And you advocate HOLDING ON?
It is not surprising at all... Instead of giving her courage to dump the guy, why not give her courage to solve the problem?
In the end, all relationship are bound to have problems or fictions... TS's bf is pocessive to some extreme but tat does not mean he deserved to be dump... All of us are learning in relationships. Sometimes, we need to learn to let him or her learn yr limits... Sometimes, we need to learn to judge people's limits... Sometimes, we need to learn to rejunervate relationships... Well, if u dont learn it now, u also will learn in the future...
Hold on if TS can... 4 yrs is not easy...
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Originally posted by nightsky87:
May I ask in what way does lack of security in a relationship correspond directly to 'relationship stalling', or in the first place, exactly what is a relationship stall? Similarly, your statement about emotional balance as opposed to her conscience being guilty does not make sense at all; so does your statement about lowering down her love towards him. Your reply is incoherent and illogical. Your language skills leaves much to be desired, and your advice in effect advocates male chauvanism as well as whole and complete posession of a partner emotionally and psychologically in a relationship, clearly demarcating a master and slave anological relationship whereby one party is inherently superior while the other party is incessantly inferior.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stale
having lost freshness, vigor, quick intelligence, initiative, or the like, as from overstrain, boredom, or surfeit: He had grown stale on the job and needed a long vacation
When people couldnt get what they want from it, they will grow stale on it... And when it go stale, they either stop doing it or look for alternatives. This is a chain reaction till in the end TS bring it out in agony.
Btw, yeah... I m not advicing TS to be submissive , to be slave or to be inferior. I m reflecting her problems and advising her to speak for herself to save the relationship instead of giving up without trying...
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I have tried; not that I haven't.
These problems started in the very first year; I have hung on and tried to solve.
But to him, talking out = let's break off.
What can I do? Each time I wanna talk, he'll said if it's so hard, then break off.
Break off is not a solution, that I understand; I just wanna a talk to solve things. But if he just simply doesn't wanna talk and use break off as a way to stop the talk, I really don't know what else I can try.
Whatever ways I can think of, I have tried.
Straight outburst at him to wake him - tried, he just felt I am crazy.
Wanna slap him to wake him - his response, ps slap me, but forget about waking me up.
Let him cool off, then have a good talk with him to make him realise what's wrong - tried, replied me with a 'Yes, Yes, I know', two months later 'back to normal'.
Disappearing Act - Tried, he went around looking for me at places where I mostly hang out, promising me everything, two months later, 'back to normal'.
Even my mum talked to him, she 'hijacked' him at the carpark; he went 'Yes, Yes, Auntie'; weeks later, back to normal.
When asked how stable is our relationship by friends, he will say it's actually very stable; good etc. But still, he will act up every now and then. When confronted on why act up when he felt it's stable, he just shrugged his shoulders.
Attractive or not is not something I can say of myself; I may feel myself being attractive but may not be perceived so by others.
All I can say is so far, no one has said I am ugly, most comments are above average.
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4 years... so hard to let go..
if can let go is best ;)
i support u girl!
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he does not realise what a jewel you are...and i don't think he will anytime soon. Some guys just don't deserve the love. He really don't deserve you. You are better off without him.
Think more for yourself, a girl's time is precious...why waste the best of your youth with a loser like him?
Dump him, move on with your life. It is greater than his. You can achieve so much more without him being your 绊脚石
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Ya... it is tiring when he keeps playing his games...
Whether for u to break with him or hold on,
"You have to love yourself in order to love someone..."
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Shuibianni,
To be honest with you. I have such a boyfriend before.
The truth is.. you are too good for him.. and he knows it. His insecurity is what makes him a possesive boyfriend.
There is really nothing you can do about it. If he wanted to change .. he'd have done it long ago.
You can either continue to let him drag you down.. or you can set yourself free to find another man who is compatible with you.
A good relationship is one that enhances your life.. not pull you down.
After I broke off with my ex... I took 2 weeks off to do some travelling and clear my head.
When I realized we are from two different worlds , I decided to let him go.. for good.
He was furious I decided to dump him.. and he stalked me for several months.
But I was glad I finally got him out of my system. And has never regretted since.
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I think you deserve better. Better to cut your losses and leave him. Short pain is better then long pain (Chang Tong Bu Ru Duan Tong). Get your freedom and do things you always wanted to do but were prevented to do so by him. You only live once so make full use of your time and youth while you have it.
He is a control freak and is using your feelings for him to get his way.
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Originally posted by ispyyy:
It is not surprising at all... Instead of giving her courage to dump the guy, why not give her courage to solve the problem?
In the end, all relationship are bound to have problems or fictions... TS's bf is pocessive to some extreme but tat does not mean he deserved to be dump... All of us are learning in relationships. Sometimes, we need to learn to let him or her learn yr limits... Sometimes, we need to learn to judge people's limits... Sometimes, we need to learn to rejunervate relationships... Well, if u dont learn it now, u also will learn in the future...
Hold on if TS can... 4 yrs is not easy...
I humbly apologise for my hostilely worded response to you. I admit that I did not bother to find out about your viewpoint before making my own snap judgement and allowing my emotions to get the better of me. Yes, I do agree with you and sincerely agree that you have a valid viewpoint, however, sometimes we must stand back and take a look at the facts.
It's not that TS never tried, but just a matter of her bf never learning. Many times, such possesive behavoir becomes apparent some time into the relationship. And many more times women faithfully believe that marrying him in the hope of him changing, or changing him, does not often work out. In fact, it escalates the problem as the other party now has an "official" "black and white" to prove that the partner belongs to him/her. Such situations will only lead to further domestic problems, including but not limited to, spousal abuse.
Hence while I do agree with you that in relationships, conflicts do occur and communication is the key to resolving conflicts and differences, in this case, the bf is beyond hope and I believe the majority of forumners who have replied here do agree with me. The majority of us believes that TS should break out of the vicious cycle that her bf has locked her in. She has the courage to take the first step, ie speaking out, now she has to find the courage in herself to break free from a relationship is sadly, not stale as you mentioned, but has gone completely rotten due to the attitude and actions by her bf.
I wish TS all the best and hope she finds the courage in her heart to prevent herself from becoming a victim of her bf's + family tyrannical, abusive and unkind words and actions.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Shuibianni,
To be honest with you. I have such a boyfriend before.
The truth is.. you are too good for him.. and he knows it. His insecurity is what makes him a possesive boyfriend.
There is really nothing you can do about it. If he wanted to change .. he'd have done it long ago.
You can either continue to let him drag you down.. or you can set yourself free to find another man who is compatible with you.
A good relationship is one that enhances your life.. not pull you down.
After I broke off with my ex... I took 2 weeks off to do some travelling and clear my head.
When I realized we are from two different worlds , I decided to let him go.. for good.
He was furious I decided to dump him.. and he stalked me for several months.
But I was glad I finally got him out of my system. And has never regretted since.
Same here. My first bf was like that. I was with him for 7 years and i totally regretted the time spent with him.
He couldn't help himself at all, doesn't accept any kind of advise or suggestions. He was just wasting his time away and dragging me along for company...
TS, try not be emotional about this, girls tend to think with the heart more and is more softhearted....think about this logically.
Until now, i still hit myself over the head when i think about the 7 yrs wasted hahaha what was i thinking!!???
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I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.
My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.
My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.
I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.
As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.
Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.
Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.
Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.
Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.
If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.
From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.
And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.
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Originally posted by shuibianni05:
I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.
My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.
My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.
I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.
As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.
Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.
Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.
Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.
Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.
If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.
From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.
And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.
I understand what it feels like.
I remember those days I waited for my then boyfriend till 2 am.. in the end... he confesses he went to watch footballs with his friends .. yet he had the cheek tell me to wait for him while he left me alone waiting for him at his own home.
I could have planned something for myself those evenings.... but he was afraid I would go out with another guy.. so he caged me in with his lies...
Thinking back... I'm so glad I didn't drag out my misery any longer.
Since he can't change , then it is time you go find someone else to fit into your life.
Both of you are incompatible.. no point trying to force a round peg into a square hole.
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Hi shuibian
ithink u gotta ask urself 2 question:
1) Do u feel he is the one for u?
2) Do u think u can live with this type of behavior for 30-40 years?
Marriage is a long term thing not a 2-3 year thing
It's better to discover now then marry liao then regret then divorce.
It will cause alot of hurt to many parties...
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I guess there're a lot of Q to ask myself before the BIG Q pops up.
But ultimately, for the first time in my life, I chose to get myself busy so that I don't have to think.
There will come a day when I may face all my thoughts; but till d day comes, I prefer to get myself busy to get days by.
Sighz~~
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I think you should face this problem and get it over and done with. Even if you immerse yourself in other activities, the problems are still there and you will have to face them sooner or later.
I think apart of you still wants to have a good talk with him about these issues and hope he will change for the better.
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If half a year ago, I would have gladly said "Yes!", I wanna see him change.
Now, nope, because frankly, he never will.
Ironically, he knows it himself as well, and ironically he also told me very frankly, 'Take it or leave it, that's me'.
What's life?
From Day one til now, after four years, I have lost count of the things I have done for him and his family.
I never expected anything in return; jus simple respect and freedom.
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If you can't stand his attitude as it is now, can you vision yourself growing old with him?
Ultimately you will need to decide if you want to continue as it is now or search for your own happiness by leaving him. Procastinating about this will only prolong your pain emotionally.
Here is a song i like from Wedding Singer which i think two people in love will be thinking to each other....
I wanna make you smile whenever youre sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you
Ill get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
Ill miss you
Ill kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Ill need you
Ill feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if youve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with youHaha i know i am corny =X
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after reading all the walls of text from page one, i believe the best advices have been mentioned already
giving you advices are so much we can do. ultimately you make the move and don't regret
honestly i can't think of anything to describe your fiance. but one thing's for sure, he definately throw us men face. *spits on him*
i just hope you make the right choice, move on with life to greater heights. making emotional abuse a habit can be deadly.
so my advice to you is, take a step back. reflect on your past. and make the best decision for yourself. you're too suffocated now to even think properly. any tom, dick or harry who's reading this would advice you to break
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actually TS story very real , I know of a couple like that , he is a gangster primary 6 edu only and look like shit also, girl a looker and diploma last time diploma very big ok, then you know la the story same same as TS kena abuse mentally physically la, finally they marry la,but unhappy when the girl in her late twenties she fianlly awake and decide to leave the guy , it just sooner or later kind of thing la , like they say 'yi ge yue da , yi ge yue ai'
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deathwish, Thanks for the lyrics. It's nice. (",)
I am beginning to take some 'time-off' to think as well as to focus on my course.
Due to hectic job schedule, I haven't had the time to start flipping through my books.
I haven't really had the time to reflect on all that had happened; just that the recent event made me felt drained, when he insisted on breaking up when he couldn't understand nor 'contribute' to my discussion with my friends. Apparently, he's back two days later; forgetting he had mentioned the words 'break off'.
I really need time to reflect and think of what I actually want, provided I can find the time for some peace and quiet. Sighz~~
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Originally posted by shuibianni05:
deathwish, Thanks for the lyrics. It's nice. (",)
I am beginning to take some 'time-off' to think as well as to focus on my course.
Due to hectic job schedule, I haven't had the time to start flipping through my books.
I haven't really had the time to reflect on all that had happened; just that the recent event made me felt drained, when he insisted on breaking up when he couldn't understand nor 'contribute' to my discussion with my friends. Apparently, he's back two days later; forgetting he had mentioned the words 'break off'.
I really need time to reflect and think of what I actually want, provided I can find the time for some peace and quiet. Sighz~~
So now.. he uses "break up".. then after married already.. use "divorce".
Then after got children already .. how ?...
Are you sure this is the kind of man you want ?
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Originally posted by shuibianni05:
deathwish, Thanks for the lyrics. It's nice. (",)
I am beginning to take some 'time-off' to think as well as to focus on my course.
Due to hectic job schedule, I haven't had the time to start flipping through my books.
I haven't really had the time to reflect on all that had happened; just that the recent event made me felt drained, when he insisted on breaking up when he couldn't understand nor 'contribute' to my discussion with my friends. Apparently, he's back two days later; forgetting he had mentioned the words 'break off'.
I really need time to reflect and think of what I actually want, provided I can find the time for some peace and quiet. Sighz~~
What jojobeach said is completely true. The majority of the forumners here, have tried to convey the message to you again and again and again that you should leave your current bf and go for someone better. Instead, all YOU have done on your part is to wallow in self-pity and self doubt, thinking of this thinking of that, etc etc, but at the end of the day, all think but no action.
All of us here has already given you appropriate advice, of course, it is completely up to you whether you choose to follow it or not. I daresay over 90 percent of the majority of replies here agree with dumping your abusive bf. But you, you chose instead to do selected replies which completely evade the question at hand, your replies are indecisive and get you back to square one. Like I mentioned, your replies reek of you thinking and thinking but eventually no action.
If you have already decided what to do, (or rather, since the start, you have had no intention of changing anything about your relationship with your bf), then please do refrain from posting here just to get sympathy. If there's a problem, FIX IT. If not, when you get married to him and all the more serious problems start cropping up, well, when that happens we'll see if you come to post on sgforums, but remember, WE TOLD YOU SO. If you are in deep shit because of the decisions you made yourself, please stop banking on sgforums AA forumners' kindness and good intentions to make you feel better about yourself.
Sure you might be highly educated, even more so than me, or a lot of other SGF AA, but your actions PROVE that you have NO SELF RESPECT for yourself because you allow yourself time and time again to undergo abuse. If even you don't know how to love yourself, then don't expect others to, and that is exactly what your current bf / future hubby is currently doing.
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Of course TS, you can dismiss what I've said above as "wall of text" and completely ignore it, but remember, all that I've wasted is my time, but you, in choosing to ignore and totally disregard the replies from the goodness and kind intentions of the sgf aa forumners, you have ruined and wasted your entire future.
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nightsky87, FYI, I have read through all the replies posted in this topic which I started.
Obviously, I saw all the advices and appreciate them; but it's not possible to reply each and every single one. FYI, I still have to work as well. But, I do make it a point to read every reply as I do appreciate all the advices.
Firstly, to post my 'life' on sg forum is not to get sympathy, pity or whatsoever from anyone here. If I really wanna get that, FYI, I can get it from anyone who knew me personally and share with them all that had happened. AND, FYI, I never did that before. Apart from a few friends who knew, no one else knew. AND, these few friends amounted to only THREE.
Is that what you call by looking for sympathy and pity?
Get ur facts right before hurling accusations.
AND, if you have follow the thread correctly, w/o missing out any, u'll realise that I have already mentioned that the next time he said 'break off', I will try to master up enough courage to say 'Fine' and 'Byez'.
The recent incident of 'break off' which I mentioned in my previous reply happened before I started this topic in Sg Forum.
It was precisely because of this incident that led me wondering about this relationship and what I have been doing for these four years. Thus I started this thread; in the hope that the forumers can enlighten me.
I do get the enlightenment from the replies; appreciate them and thank these people.
You mentioned that I kept thinking and thinking; no actions. I have already said I will said 'Fine' to his next 'break up'.
Besides, four years may not be long, may not be short either. Humans have feelings; even if one has been physically abused for years, end of it all, it will take a lot of courage to sue the abuser, sometimes, there might not even be a court case.
If you are expecting me just call him and said, 'Hey, I dump u this instant' and hang up; sorry, maybe U can do it, I can't. I still have my humane side.
Even if we don't talk about humans, let's talk about pets. For those true pets lovers, when they got bitten by their pets repeatedly, do you think they will dump them or carry on loving them? Or do U feel that these pet lovers don't have SELF RESPECT as they put themselves through 'abuse' by their own pets?
And, being highly educated has practically no linkage with the SELF RESPECT U are pointing. What's the link? Are U implying Highly Ed = No Self Respect? And that not that highly ed = Higher Self Respect?
Remember each of us is an individual, don't use education as a weapon/comparison.
As for ruining and wasting my entire future, apologies; like I mentioned in one of my replies before, every apart of my life is good except the love area.
AND, FYI, although I am in the corporate world, with a so call 'high education', so what? What's the big deal of being educated and in the corporate world? I am still a human being; I believe in 'returning'/contributing to society. I do volunteer work to help people, if you feel that my future is ruined/wasted, are you indicating me doing volunteer stuff is also ruining/wasting my own future?
For all my entire life, I only think about others, put others before me. Help others whenever I can, even if it's beyond my means.
Apologies, nightsky87, the laest I expected was false accusations, something I can never stand in life.
Maybe the part of the LOVE MYSELF, u are right, I never love myself, I LOVE every person around me and help them at the EXPENSE of myself. If U felt this is wrong, I should LOVE MYSELF before others, then I have nothing much to say. But, on the other hand, it plainly shows what kind of person U may be.
Besides, never judge a person before U actually know him or her; by judging him/her based on only a small portion, U are being 'biased' in a way; in short, U formed an impression on how U wanna see things and feel abt things, adding in bits of ur own opinion about that person. Whether this thinking is right or wrong, it's debative, but do see things and people from a broader point of view.
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You are welcome Shuibian. I found loved the song when i heard it and i'd share it with you.
night I'm sure she needs time to weigh the pros and cons and since they have been together for 4 years, it is never easy to let go.
True most of us if not all of us posting have said that she deserves better and should dump the guy but let's not forget ultimately she is the 1 who has to live with the decision for better or worse.