Single Woes...

EarlNeo

26 Dec 08, 15:57

not all marrage end in constant agony. Just dun rush into thing. Itis better to be late then doing it for the sake of doing.

Joi_lin

26 Dec 08, 20:26

I seldom make friends online. When I did as I wrote earlier, I was disappointed because they do not really turn out what they should be. This makes me realised that online personality is totally different from offline personality.

Being independent doesn't mean one can be strong in every aspect.

And this is when I realise my own weakness.

In the past, I used to assume I will get a BF soon, thinking it is a natural thing. But as time goes by and I am reaching my 30s soon, reality struck me. My folks at home worry about me. My relatives are nagging at me. My colleagues are mocking me. My friends, some though single themselves, are questioning me.

At home and outside, pressure is always there. I really do not want to numb myself with work.

onigiri

26 Dec 08, 20:54

certain things just can't be rushed. let nature takes its course. =)

xstryker

26 Dec 08, 20:57

when the chicken learns to swim, the duck will catch worms!

the_fallen

26 Dec 08, 23:13

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

I seldom make friends online. When I did as I wrote earlier, I was disappointed because they do not really turn out what they should be. This makes me realised that online personality is totally different from offline personality.

Being independent doesn't mean one can be strong in every aspect.

And this is when I realise my own weakness.

In the past, I used to assume I will get a BF soon, thinking it is a natural thing. But as time goes by and I am reaching my 30s soon, reality struck me. My folks at home worry about me. My relatives are nagging at me. My colleagues are mocking me. My friends, some though single themselves, are questioning me.

At home and outside, pressure is always there. I really do not want to numb myself with work.

a lot of people are just different in different mediums like over the net, in clubs, in office..

all got different sides of personalities...it depends on how you view it.

i also got lots of sides..just that I don't reveal it to ppl..

ppl at most only know 2 sides of me, nothing more.

u need to learn to look for the main true personality in each person.

while all of us have different personalities, we sure have 1 master one, the others are just used to relax ourselves, give us excuses to make ourselves more happy, live in a trick believe world that's risk free by securing a stable income etc..

rafTiger

27 Dec 08, 00:30

Originally posted by the_fallen:

a lot of people are just different in different mediums like over the net, in clubs, in office..

all got different sides of personalities...it depends on how you view it.

i also got lots of sides..just that I don't reveal it to ppl..

ppl at most only know 2 sides of me, nothing more.

u need to learn to look for the main true personality in each person.

while all of us have different personalities, we sure have 1 master one, the others are just used to relax ourselves, give us excuses to make ourselves more happy, live in a trick believe world that's risk free by securing a stable income etc..

i agree, i like yr theory abt the master personality among the rest.

it's like u are actually a introverted person, but over the yrs u realise dat being introverted is too lonely, so u start putting on a chatty and lively front so dat u'll (hopefully) be more accepted

same for all the "yes-men" out there, who say yes to everything, try their best to be lively n interesting, and helpful as well, only to be seen as "un-cool" and eventually still ignored by the so-called frens. then they will start putting on a cool n selfish front. those who are completely disillusioned might even put on the cool selfish front permanently.

Joi_lin

27 Dec 08, 08:43

Maybe I cannot accept the huge differences between online and offline personality. Also, I do find it quite dangerous. I have encountered desperate guys or even married ones online. Of course, I didn't dare to meet them. That is why I feel disappointed about making a friend online.

It is better to know a person as he is in the real world. Then again, I am not so priviledged to have such opportunities. As the years go by, people around you are either attached or married.

ramblingjoe

27 Dec 08, 13:45

I'm kinda in a similar situation as u joi_lin except i'm a male and a few years younger. I'm in my final year of my uni studies(Medicine) and my frens are always pressuring me to get hitched(coz young doctors are very busy and have trouble finding time to chase girls). I've looked around, but at the moment there's no one I'm interested in who's available. I do have my admirers, though none of them are people I could myself together with. There were times I thought of coupling up with one of them just to seem more 'normal', like the rest of my classmates...but then I realized that this would be unfair to the other person, since I wouldn't be committed into the relationship. Because of that, I'm still single till now.

There are times when I feel lonely, in fact I'm feeling a little lonely right now as we speak. However, I will not get into a r/s just for the sake of being in one. To me, being in a r/s with someone you truly like is magical. Being with someone you don't is a chore and a bore. Something i will not do.

rokkie

27 Dec 08, 13:53

haha, talented people are so lonely, if doctor are too busy to find a gf, i should feel luck for who i am now.That show alot on educated more means sacrifice more,lol

Yunhaier

27 Dec 08, 14:58

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

Recently, I feel sad when people questioned me about single status. Asking me why I am single and when I will get married.

Just not too long ago, I bumped into an old neighbour.She is as old as me and to my surprise, she is already a mother of 3 kids. I felt so ashamed of myself.So what I am more educated than her ? So what I am slimmer than her?

Whenever there are match making subject in the news, I will cringe. Some relatives even joke to sign me up. My parents always drop big hint that so and so 's daughter got married already. I feel upset and I am hitting 30 soon. It seems like a deadline for women.

Furthermore, people do not understand why I do not have a boyfriend. I also do not understand why they do not understand.

I really do not want to end up desperate one day.

As much as we all believe that Love must indeed come naturally, our 'Self' component must provide the fertile ground for such natural occurrence to manifest into reality. This 'Self' component, namely our personality and what steps we take to render ourselves more socially desirable, not merely in the physical sense, but also as a person emotionally, psychologically and spiritually positive.

The theory of probability is self explanatory: if you want to find someone suitable, you got to get out of your house and start meeting people. When your social network improves, the chance for you to find someone suitable gets better, as compared to solitary activities that could only drive some meager mileage for you in aspects of Love.

If you reckon that certain channels are not suitable, it's perfectly ok. Learn to develop interest and expand your social network through the interest you invest yourself with. Also, do not adopt self-defeating mindset because it's very much a vicious cycle - as much as you are pressured socially to be attached, this beget from a negative source: namely pressure. Hence, your attitude towards knowing someone is always about accessing someone if he/she is suitable for you. Then if things isn't what you reckon it to be, you get dejected, you become more withdrawn and whole cycle repeats itself

Here's a truth: the more negative a person is, the more likely he/she will attract negative mate.

Your fear produces the negative aura - hence, your disappointment in men that you met online are merely corroboration of reality - through the synergy of both your thoughts and feelings - manifest as latent effect.

As much as my discipline in my astrology has taught me, I disagree with the fact that some people are destined to be alone. The challenge is not merely to analysis a person and telling them about how doom they are, but the task is to empower one to take corrective steps to overcome their issues. And to change situations, one must have that self awareness to understand the root of problem and for cases like yours, I can tell you, it's very much due to the inability to recognize our own inadequacy and learning to get out of our comfort zone after recognition.

Some people decides that Love will come naturally, say, after school days. But I can tell you from a sociological perspective, with the elimination of a socializing agent, such as a school compound, your social circle should get smaller unless steps are taken to ensure that it doesn't. And again with the law of probability, your chances, naturally, get worst because, like you have found out, people are either attached/married or their psychographic is entirely off the chart.

I say, invest more time in yourself and simultaneously develop your social circle. And learn to eliminate guilt from your heart - not being attached does NOT suggest that something is wrong with you. It simply means that you have to develop yourself more in a wholesome sense, so that the attraction can take place when you have work on that 'Self' component.

Cheers

Joi_lin

28 Dec 08, 20:36

Originally posted by Yunhaier:

As much as we all believe that Love must indeed come naturally, our 'Self' component must provide the fertile ground for such natural occurrence to manifest into reality. This 'Self' component, namely our personality and what steps we take to render ourselves more socially desirable, not merely in the physical sense, but also as a person emotionally, psychologically and spiritually positive.

The theory of probability is self explanatory: if you want to find someone suitable, you got to get out of your house and start meeting people. When your social network improves, the chance for you to find someone suitable gets better, as compared to solitary activities that could only drive some meager mileage for you in aspects of Love.

If you reckon that certain channels are not suitable, it's perfectly ok. Learn to develop interest and expand your social network through the interest you invest yourself with. Also, do not adopt self-defeating mindset because it's very much a vicious cycle - as much as you are pressured socially to be attached, this beget from a negative source: namely pressure. Hence, your attitude towards knowing someone is always about accessing someone if he/she is suitable for you. Then if things isn't what you reckon it to be, you get dejected, you become more withdrawn and whole cycle repeats itself

Here's a truth: the more negative a person is, the more likely he/she will attract negative mate.

Your fear produces the negative aura - hence, your disappointment in men that you met online are merely corroboration of reality - through the synergy of both your thoughts and feelings - manifest as latent effect.

As much as my discipline in my astrology has taught me, I disagree with the fact that some people are destined to be alone. The challenge is not merely to analysis a person and telling them about how doom they are, but the task is to empower one to take corrective steps to overcome their issues. And to change situations, one must have that self awareness to understand the root of problem and for cases like yours, I can tell you, it's very much due to the inability to recognize our own inadequacy and learning to get out of our comfort zone after recognition.

Some people decides that Love will come naturally, say, after school days. But I can tell you from a sociological perspective, with the elimination of a socializing agent, such as a school compound, your social circle should get smaller unless steps are taken to ensure that it doesn't. And again with the law of probability, your chances, naturally, get worst because, like you have found out, people are either attached/married or their psychographic is entirely off the chart.

I say, invest more time in yourself and simultaneously develop your social circle. And learn to eliminate guilt from your heart - not being attached does NOT suggest that something is wrong with you. It simply means that you have to develop yourself more in a wholesome sense, so that the attraction can take place when you have work on that 'Self' component.

Cheers

To side-track a bit, I do admire your writing skills. Also, your analysis drawn from different perspectives is very interesting.

Back to my problem, many of you have pointed out I should spend them on interest. But if my interest happen to be an activity which can be done alone, so how to expand social circle? Basically, I have lost interest in many things. But I cannot force myself to be interested and energetic overnight.

After reflecting, I do agree I lack a socializing agent. My social circle is very small. My trust and comfort level with other people has hit low point. If you really ask me to go out and meet people tomorrow, I think I will be very uncomfortable.

You guys may think I am to blame for my situation since I am cannot adapt or change so fast. I recognize I am really weak, if not I wouldn't be here whining about my situation.

Thank you for all the comments.

reyes

28 Dec 08, 21:14

it matter whether u wana be single or be sorry for the rest of ur life lor.

if u have intention to get married, take your time to carefully see and look.

DownAndOut

28 Dec 08, 22:21

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

To side-track a bit, I do admire your writing skills. Also, your analysis drawn from different perspectives is very interesting.

Back to my problem, many of you have pointed out I should spend them on interest. But if my interest happen to be an activity which can be done alone, so how to expand social circle? Basically, I have lost interest in many things. But I cannot force myself to be interested and energetic overnight.

After reflecting, I do agree I lack a socializing agent. My social circle is very small. My trust and comfort level with other people has hit low point. If you really ask me to go out and meet people tomorrow, I think I will be very uncomfortable.

You guys may think I am to blame for my situation since I am cannot adapt or change so fast. I recognize I am really weak, if not I wouldn't be here whining about my situation.

Thank you for all the comments.

Its never too late to get new hobbies.. take up dancing, cooking or even martial arts classes..

methanol

29 Dec 08, 09:31

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

To side-track a bit, I do admire your writing skills. Also, your analysis drawn from different perspectives is very interesting.

Back to my problem, many of you have pointed out I should spend them on interest. But if my interest happen to be an activity which can be done alone, so how to expand social circle? Basically, I have lost interest in many things. But I cannot force myself to be interested and energetic overnight.

After reflecting, I do agree I lack a socializing agent. My social circle is very small. My trust and comfort level with other people has hit low point. If you really ask me to go out and meet people tomorrow, I think I will be very uncomfortable.

You guys may think I am to blame for my situation since I am cannot adapt or change so fast. I recognize I am really weak, if not I wouldn't be here whining about my situation.

Thank you for all the comments.

I enjoyed reading this entry tremendously and still do. Chicken soup for the single soul perhaps.

A Matter of Heart, A Question of Time

My girlfriend and I actually met in June last year but neither of us remembered it. Not until I chanced upon a photo on her blog did I recall she was the someone I once sat down and had a drink with. Even chatted for awhile.

We were introduced again four months later. By the same friend but with different intentions. On another night out drinking but in a different place. Under the same moon but maybe, the stars were different this time.

I believe in the importance of å¤©æ—¶åœ°åˆ©äººå’Œ. The right person at the right time. And I know the stars were smiling that night in October. Winking at one another. Amused at how our eyes and hearts opened to the wonder of each other this time, but not the other.

I have friends who are waiting and searching for the right one. I don’t really know what to say whenever we talk about love.

I recognise the struggle. How the eyes sparkle with hope. And a determination not to concede, not to settle for less. I also remember the doubt. How I wondered whether it will ever happen during the seven years I was single. Whether I am asking for too much. Whether I am too picky. Whether I should actively circulate or just let it happen.

Whether I will grow old alone and only then, regret not having reshaped my round hole to a square to fit all the square pegs I met in my life.

I want to tell my friends, “Don’t give up. Believe.” But I stop myself. Because what if it doesn’t happen? What if the same stars that winked at me, blinked at them? Who am I to tell someone how much something is worth to them? Who am I, to tell someone just how long is too long. Or whether it’s ever too long.

My girlfriend and I laugh about it. How we made no impression on each other the first time we met. And I know I’m lucky. To have finally found her. For we could easily have passed each other by, as we did the first time.

And if you are still looking for that someone, I only wish to say this, from the bottom of my heart:

May love find you too.

- sandstone

methanol

29 Dec 08, 09:32

-double post-

natas666

30 Dec 08, 11:20

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

I seldom make friends online. When I did as I wrote earlier, I was disappointed because they do not really turn out what they should be. This makes me realised that online personality is totally different from offline personality.

Being independent doesn't mean one can be strong in every aspect.

And this is when I realise my own weakness.

In the past, I used to assume I will get a BF soon, thinking it is a natural thing. But as time goes by and I am reaching my 30s soon, reality struck me. My folks at home worry about me. My relatives are nagging at me. My colleagues are mocking me. My friends, some though single themselves, are questioning me.

At home and outside, pressure is always there. I really do not want to numb myself with work.

Why do u care so much about what others think?

coolgeek84

30 Dec 08, 12:04

If you think you are not the kind who can socialise easily and are afraid to jump into a pool of total strangers, then you should get someone whom are you at least acquainted with and go to classes or something together with him/her.

You mentioned that you do have other single friends, why not gather one or two of them and join some fun-filled class purely for the sake of fun? Don't join with the intention of finding a bf. If you do, you will find it very hard to find one.

For example, myself, I am pretty good with any strangers. I am planning to join muay thai classes for the fun of it. I am single but I am not expecting to find anyone there. But hey, you never know! I can meet a friend there, and that friend might introduce his friend to me and that friend of the friend can have a pretty sister! Who knows? And meanwhile, I am not wasting my time to, I can tone my body with muay thai (thai martial arts).

I am 24 and single too by the way. I get those questions too all the time. I can chat with any gal and make friends with any of them but never really proceeded to the point of having a GF. Just not able to find a suitable one =) I have my friends asking me "So whom are u meeting up for Valentine's this time?" and when I say "Oh I am sitting at home", they have this stunned look on their face, as if its not possible for me to sit at home on that day. Haha..

You are always welcome to make friends with me. Do PM me if you wanna chat or a listening ear. I can't guarantee anything but I do make a good friend I believe. And lastly, I am sorry that you encountered the wrong people online. I have met 3 girls online. All of them are among my closest friends now.

Frustrated_guy

30 Dec 08, 12:11

TS, you keep saying 'other people think'. But what do you really want for yourself?

Comparisons will never end as long as there are human beings.

At age 10, how come grades are poorer than others?

At age 20, how come no degree while other people have?

At age 30, how come people married while you single?

At age 40, how come people got kids while you haven't?

At age 50, how come people got grandkids while you haven't?

At age 60, how come people retire at home while others need to work?

At age 70, how come people pass away liao while you still here?

If you cannot get past what other people think, you may not be living a life for yourself. Take care!

Joi_lin

30 Dec 08, 14:42

I want to have a normal life like everyone else. In other words, I want to be an average person. I used to ignore what other people think.As I get older, reality hit me really hard. I tend to be more sensitiveto the extent I feel inferior to my peers. This is when I realise my weakness.

av98m

30 Dec 08, 14:46

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

I want to have a normal life like everyone else. In other words, I want to be an average person. I used to ignore what other people think.As I get older, reality hit me really hard. I tend to be more sensitiveto the extent I feel inferior to my peers. This is when I realise my weakness.

On the positive side, you're not married to a useless or abusive man, or struggling to bring up your kids on your own after being divorced from one. And in this day and age, why would anyone be mocked for being single?

Joi_lin

30 Dec 08, 15:42

That is why I do not understand why I am often being mocked at by the people around me.

Midlusionz

30 Dec 08, 15:45

Chill chill.. Everyone go thru this stage lol even i am going into it soon

Meat Pao

30 Dec 08, 16:47

I understand how you feel......although for my case, I have a little bit more allowance time....since I am a guy......

I think you need to consider your circumstances....if your career is settled....your emotions is settled.....and you are ready to start a family....then you should start targetting it....make it a goal....

The reason is...if you dont make it a goal....year by year...suddenly you discover you are getting older and older....and you may either panic...or lose even more inner will to get married.....

And if you are in your late 30s....things will be even more harder for you....you might only get divorcees or widows.......

Each year as time pass, your chances and your options is getting less.....

For now, you still have a lot of time, since you have not hit 30 yet.....you are still considered a "young lady" and there are many men in their 30s who are suitable for you.....

Just start thinking about it....whether you want to start a family, have a husband, have kids...and whether your circumstances is settled.......and if your conclusion is "yes".....then....my recommendation is to start looking...

Go out more...attend more social events.....it also helps to join dating agencies....Dont talk to random guys from random online sites.....join real dating sites...the ones that need subsription payment...real dating sites.....

By the way, this is how my own elder sister got married......

After she dated 2 guys but broke off.....

Then she started joining dating agencies....both online and not online...

She has been married for the past 2 years or so....happily married...

The guy is very suitable for her, very compatible personality, good and settled career, mature man, responsible, love his nephews and nieces, a good family man....

But one thing I can see and understand is that, if she had not looked and joined dating agencies, she would have never met this person. And I personally can see that this man is better in many ways than the previous 2 guys that she broke off with.....

My suggestion for you...if you want to start looking....is to join dating agencies....why...because you have many choices...and those people are all serious people who are ready to start a serious relationship with an end goal of getting married.....you can also meet guys who you would normally not meet from your own usual social circle....

Dont worry about being uncomfortable or not used to meeting strangers....or not used to going out for social events....etc.....just do it...one time, two times, third time you are used to it.....you might even enjoy it....better than staying at home, it's so boring....it will be interesting for you.....

OK good luck...

av98m

30 Dec 08, 17:53

Originally posted by Joi_lin:

That is why I do not understand why I am often being mocked at by the people around me.

You are mixing with the wrong people, I think.

Joi_lin

31 Dec 08, 16:02

Thinking back, I think I have myself to blame for my current status.

Thank you for all the comments.