wife want a divorce
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Peace everyone.
Jay, i feel for you man. crap happens and your taking it in nicely. thanks for sharing and expressing your problems here so people can learn and also gain a thing or two.
I think between the sexes alot of problem can arise, endless lah actually, miscomm etc, etc, etc except for the first part of the relationship where everything the other party say is correct, then married then downhill from there.
It hard but possible lah. I'm no expert lah. I fail also but learn loh. if it means to fail a million time, marry a million times to get to the right person worth it mah, and if your life can't last you that long, at least your improving yourself with the last person also not so bad.
Let's cut the crap...
For your case Jay, thankfully you got some good advices here. I wish you all the best in the custody for your kids. Please consult professional help on this matter and how you can increase your chance with being/staying with your kids, by the looks of it, since you willing to sacrifice everything i think u have a chance.For your wife, let her be happy. Hard to swallow but, don't dwell loh. Take time to reflect. Then move on (although i still havent move on myself). Think more positively but concentrating on the kids for now. This will occupy time to "forget her". ONE IMPORTANT THING. forgive her. then forget. Singaporeans or anyone for that matter, all forget then in turn forgive. Grow up and face the hard knocks in life LAH! see her then be angry for what? swallow and SMILE man. oh, sorry to say, i think u realised also, very hard to woo her back.
For your children... hopefully u get them, if you don't.. they will come find you one day. (worst case scenario) but i think if u can visit them, that's good, build good relationship, close one. then see them grow up. and if u win them, don't think u can be a mother.. get a wife ya.. it maybe no no for u now, but common lah, who don't want to marry somemore? companion for life man! Need it!
you should take it slowly, a step at a time. i'm telling you, you're doing good for now..
take care and love your kids well.p.s: don't think its too late and not impt to LEARN how to be a good parent. i know u might find it dumb and unnecessary but IF your kids is your LIFEm then go learn thru courses/seminars and anything that can make u a better dad and also will bring you closer to them. INVEST in them loving you for eternity.
Peace Out.
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the ones who suffered the most, are your kids.
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Originally posted by Jay.ho34:
my wife of 7 years want a divorce. we had 2 kids and are currently staying with her at oversea.
our marriage are dainted with lotsa argument and differnces. that build the bases of more arguement and unhappiness.
she file for separation in an oversea court. she say we should cool down these 2 years and see what happens. i try very hard to change my temper and learn from past arguement and i vow i would change to salvage our marriage. 1 year on, while visiting kids, i notice she has change. she deny she seeing another guy. i question her but she insist they are good friends.
they chat thru the night on phone and seem to be very happy. maybe as guy, i feel it is hard to believe that such a behaviour can be deem as just friends. i beg her to give us a chance and kids a chance. but she avoid and saying she wont stop me seeing the kids. i am even willing to give up my job and singapore to stay with her at her country.
i am at a lost, i fear i migth lost the kids forever and fear that my kids will be living for someone else and call other daddy. i love my kids very much and my wife very much. i can think and work properly. i wanted to fight custody for my kids but i dont want to anger her and create and unhappy tension amid i still hold some hope she would return to me. i am sending money to her and kids every mth to ensure they are alight.
i am not sure what are my chances if i fight custody of our 2 kids. if i engage a lawyer it will annoy her. what if i lose the fight, she will probably stop me from seeing the 2 kids. if i dont fight for custody i am afraid my kids will be soemone else kids. i love my kids very much. i will do everything to make sure they are well even with my own life.
i had lost hope in my work, life. and even probably consider joining a church to seek relieve from my horrific part of my life!
u need to get a grip.... tink how can u take care of ur kids if u r so screwed up... basically its impossible & pointless to get back ur wife since shes already lost faith in the marriage and saw the better path at the otherside.. if u reali like your kids so much, go talk to ur "ex-wife" for the custody of them... so better start standing up n dun let ur kids see how weak their dad is... -
If... I mean IF... You really lose custody of your children, don't give up hope. Like one of the previous posters, I love my dad more than my step-dad, because my dad showed me that he can amend his mistakes, live on with life and still care for me. Keep caring for your children, since they are still young, they will be receptive to your love.
The end of love between husband and wife does not break the love between a father and child.
All the best (not being pessimistic here)
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When 2 persons come together in matrimonial union, they should recognise the fact that no one is flawless in the world.
A husband may be unhygienic or earns a low income despite hard efforts to make ends meet. The wife on the other hand can be quite ill tempered and demanding. Whatever flaws they may have, it should not become a reason constituting infidelity.
Some women claim that local men are not up to standard, some men here does the same. And the whole vicious cycle continues with no end. Being together means that we are supposed to accommodate each other’s weak points and at the same time, reflect on ours to change for the better.
There is no reason why someone is ‘forced’ to have an affair unless the other party has one too.
These divorce rates are all due to an inclination towards the philosophy of individualism. Selfish needs of a person. For example, being too strong headed and arrogant to recognize that he/she may be wrong.
Some basic needs of the individual gender.
Men are expected to have a career/direction to work on by 30. The career must be breadwinning by 40. He must be the main income provider. Be matured; not argumentative, pillar of confidence, ability to shoulder responsibilities and face the music when required to.
Women are expected to be an excellent aid to her husband in terms of financial supplement for some families, excellent help to manage the household, be gentle and able to point out her husband’s mistakes. Able to understand husband’s need to work and occasionally behave less intimate.
Sad to say, many people here had not even been able to fulfill even the basic needs. Yet demand so much from his/her spouse. Without a strong moral foundation, contempt of the union will be imminent.
Henceforth, extra marital affairs are consequent damages led from an individual character problem. External influence can only be a catalyst. The true reason is still the individual character that reacts to it.
So guys, do not marry if you are matured enough to commit. Marriage is not a game, it cannot be treated with impulse.
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if you're a christian, this is my advice.
do whatever you can to retain peace in this family, give in.
if she is adamant about leaving, let her leave. but you are not to initiate divorce.
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i am not here to make ppl feel sad in current economic climate.
But this is just my plight.
i am a failure come to marriage and possibility being a dad. but work wise, i am doing reasonably well. although it has affected me quite a fair bit.
i feel terrible is becoz my kids is in far away country. if my kids are in singapore, i could drop by everyday to see them.
whether some post sarcastic remarks on my plight or not, i dont really mind as i believe one can only feel the pain when they experience it. In my case, it is a experience that probably only 1 in 1000 will go thru it.
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Originally posted by Jay.ho34:
i am not here to make ppl feel sad in current economic climate.
But this is just my plight.
i am a failure come to marriage and possibility being a dad. but work wise, i am doing reasonably well. although it has affected me quite a fair bit.
i feel terrible is becoz my kids is in far away country. if my kids are in singapore, i could drop by everyday to see them.
whether some post sarcastic remarks on my plight or not, i dont really mind as i believe one can only feel the pain when they experience it. In my case, it is a experience that probably only 1 in 1000 will go thru it.
hmm.. please don't berate yourself.. k?
it won't help..
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life is short
route / path will finally come to same point,
not easy for 2 different countries folk to live together,
even local with local also has MIL problems
that is worst then kids problem
MIL you will be sandwich in between
kids problem, at this stage is only one sided
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Is she from China? Base on yr facts,likley she is planning for D already....just pray for the best for you
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Seriously, i think what you should now is isolate your financial wealth from her and find evidences to increase your chances of gaining custody over your children.
The relationship problem should be handled later. Just my point of view, your relationship is pretty much screwed.
So, pirorities in your financial safety and child's future.
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dont let my plight affect you all.
i had no one to talk to that why i turn to forums to share my current problems.
like someone said, i had to settle my own problems. appreciate those who had given me valuable advice and give me a listening ear.
current economic climate is terrible and is going to get worse. i wish all of you to cheer up and work hard.
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That's what this forum is all about... for people to discuss about their issues. You just have to know that people here have different views on things so please don't take those harsh comments too personally!
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open heart, listen wisely
stay cool, clear mind.
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U mentioned tat u are a middle class workin man, & she's not working. On what grounds do u think she has in order to win the custody of the kids if she decided to file for divorce? Dun a working parent has better chances over a non workin parent?
I duno abt ur wife's character, but from your posts, it seems to me tat she isnt someone who is goin to be responsible as a mother, e.g "chattin on the phone while sendin the kids to bed". U worried that she may said things tat are inaudible for the kids..Do u really think so?
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Hi. See a lawyer. You can't do this on your own. Do what is best for your children. Your marriage is over. Think of the bad times, not the good.
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TS,
you sound like a really mature, and easy-going guy. But if you want your kids, you should let go of your feelings and harden up your resolve to get your kids.
Now, there's no one to blame for a failed marriage. The only outcome is who gets the kids. If you love them, and fear that they might receive less care or even abuse under their future stepfather, you had better work fast.
Talk to a counsellor or lawyer if you have to. They are human beings too, and probably have more experience in advising or dealing with these than us 3rd parties here. Do focus on what you want and work on it. It's better than regrets in the future!
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lols how bout..be a punk..migrate to US....get a band....be famous....and mock ur wife! its all about Sex,Drugs and Violence...u can ignore "Drugs"!! =)
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i am not sure about my chances of winning custody of my kids. i guess the income of their parents are not the only factor. the court could rule that give more of my income to my wife so that she can take care of the kids. this is what happening to one of my colleague too.
i am not sure what lies ahead of me. i just has to take one step at a time and hope for best, prepare for the worse.
i wish everyone has a nice day ahead.
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Hi, you say she's overseas but you don't say where. I know in Singapore, because of the Woman's charter, it is unlikely you will get custody. Not only that but you will have to pay her alimony and all the while she will be humping her boyfriend and enjoying your money with him.
It may be different overseas. That why I say to consult your lawyer. In some countries, if you can prove she's been unfaithful, this may mean that she is not fit to get custody. Move some of your money into your parents accounts so she can't touch it. Cancel all her credit cards. The war is about to begin. Take care man
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Originally posted by The truth speaks:
Hi, you say she's overseas but you don't say where. I know in Singapore, because of the Woman's charter, it is unlikely you will get custody. Not only that but you will have to pay her alimony and all the while she will be humping her boyfriend and enjoying your money with him.
It may be different overseas. That why I say to consult your lawyer. In some countries, if you can prove she's been unfaithful, this may mean that she is not fit to get custody. Move some of your money into your parents accounts so she can't touch it. Cancel all her credit cards. The war is about to begin. Take care man
He has already mentioned in earlier post that she is in Australia.
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Jay.ho,
All is not lost.
Now is not the time for you to wage war. Now is the time to reconcile and foster a tighter bonds with your children. You may ask.. how can ? They are so far away. Fortunately.. Rome was not built in one day. Patience...
You need to come to terms with the situation.
Your wife has decided she had enough of your flaws.
When it comes to care giver of your children.
1.Is your wife a responsible mother ? 2.Has she abused or ill treated your children ? If you answer yes to 1 and no to 2, then I don't see why it's such a bad idea the children remains in her care.
It is possible that you have lost your wife, but you don't need to lose your children too.
I think it is best you have a civilised conversation with your wife about the situation. Divorces do not need to turn ugly. Nobody comes out a winner in ugly divorces.. the ones who will get hurt are the children.
Let her know that you care a lot about the children. ( Perhaps you have not shown much of this in action. Just because you are the sole bread winner does not guarantees a place in their hearts.)
It is best you let her decide what she wants to do with her own future.
Your main concern is not wanting your children call another man "daddy". May I remind you that .. your children will only accept another man as "daddy" only when you choose to abandon them.
If you have not already done so, make it very clear to your wife that you are the children's father.. and no matter who she decides to marry or end up with.. you Jay.ho will ALWAYS BE the children's father. No one else can take over your place.
Money does not buy a relationship with your children. Spend more time with your children during your vacations, be their friend and earn your respect as a father.Even when you are not physically there.. you can always foster the relationship using other forms of communications.
Unless you are really such a lousy husband.. she will eventually realised that other men also has their flaws.. whichever is the lesser of two evils. Just pray hard that she will not find another better guy than you, perhaps.. you may have another chance at reconciling with your wife again. ( But if she does find another better man.. give her your blessings and move on, because there is nothing you can do)
Remember.. her coldness towards you.. is not because of another man.. rather your past attitudes and mistakes turns her heart cold. So the more you blame her difference towards you on her.. the less likely she sees the possibility of a reconcilation with you.
Be responsible, caring, understanding, forgiving, loving and supportive father. Even if not for your wife's sake.. do it for your children.. if you can achieve all .. then perhaps.. there be a sliver of hope for her to turn her heart back to you again.
Good luck, be strong.
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Originally posted by Jay.ho34:
my wife of 7 years want a divorce. we had 2 kids and are currently staying with her at oversea.
our marriage are dainted with lotsa argument and differnces. that build the bases of more arguement and unhappiness.
she file for separation in an oversea court. she say we should cool down these 2 years and see what happens. i try very hard to change my temper and learn from past arguement and i vow i would change to salvage our marriage. 1 year on, while visiting kids, i notice she has change. she deny she seeing another guy. i question her but she insist they are good friends.
they chat thru the night on phone and seem to be very happy. maybe as guy, i feel it is hard to believe that such a behaviour can be deem as just friends. i beg her to give us a chance and kids a chance. but she avoid and saying she wont stop me seeing the kids. i am even willing to give up my job and singapore to stay with her at her country.
i am at a lost, i fear i migth lost the kids forever and fear that my kids will be living for someone else and call other daddy. i love my kids very much and my wife very much. i can think and work properly. i wanted to fight custody for my kids but i dont want to anger her and create and unhappy tension amid i still hold some hope she would return to me. i am sending money to her and kids every mth to ensure they are alight.
i am not sure what are my chances if i fight custody of our 2 kids. if i engage a lawyer it will annoy her. what if i lose the fight, she will probably stop me from seeing the 2 kids. if i dont fight for custody i am afraid my kids will be soemone else kids. i love my kids very much. i will do everything to make sure they are well even with my own life.
i had lost hope in my work, life. and even probably consider joining a church to seek relieve from my horrific part of my life!
I can tell you from a girl's perspective, your wife has already moved on, given up the relationship with you, do not love you anymore, do not regard you as her husband anymore, and you don't mean a thing to her anymore.So you should not be naive and still hold onto the impossible hope of going back to the past where everything seems to be fine again.
Don't be surprised if I tell you your wife had long since made plans and prepared herself for this long before it happened and you know nothing of it.
You should learn from your wife and show her that you can move on and you moved on with a BETTER life than her and you want to fight for the custody of your children.
But please do not let your wife know that you are preparing to fight for the custody of your children. Let her know about it ONLY after you have obtained the custody of your children.
And you should pay more attention to your own anger, cos if you cannot control your own anger....even if you have obtained the custody of your children, you might lose your custody if your children are fearful of your temper.
It's retarded to express and bring out your love to your wife only when she have none left for you already.
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my wife is a foreigner from a angmo country nearest to us.but she is chinese. she is educated and breed in that country for 20+ years.
i am 100% singaporean breed.
we are legalised married in singapore.
Seems like you have western oriented, western mindset wife.
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Originally posted by parn:
I can tell you from a girl's perspective, your wife has already moved on, given up the relationship with you, do not love you anymore, do not regard you as her husband anymore, and you don't mean a thing to her anymore.So you should not be naive and still hold onto the impossible hope of going back to the past where everything seems to be fine again.
Don't be surprised if I tell you your wife had long since made plans and prepared herself for this long before it happened and you know nothing of it.
You should learn from your wife and show her that you can move on and you moved on with a BETTER life than her and you want to fight for the custody of your children.
But please do not let your wife know that you are preparing to fight for the custody of your children. Let her know about it ONLY after you have obtained the custody of your children.
And you should pay more attention to your own anger, cos if you cannot control your own anger....even if you have obtained the custody of your children, you might lose your custody if your children are fearful of your temper.
It's retarded to express and bring out your love to your wife only when she have none left for you already.
You sometimes surprise me with your deep analysis and insight....