I can get used to anything, except a guy
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wasnt referrin to u can.
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sorrie lah, you quoted just after me so i mistaken
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Is it my eyes or the font size?
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Originally posted by seotiblizzard:
Is it my eyes or the font size?
Originally posted by barista:Sorry about the font size , was typing in the mailbox before pasting it here. pls press ctrl +++ .
Let me do you a favour
Originally posted by barista:
Sometimes it gets so frustrating talking to him. But 我�。
He looks down on females so much , it gets to my nerves. Yes,I'm talking about the male chauvinist boyfriend.
There are females in his company who are VPs , MDs, AVPs .
To that, he will say "oh they are useless, they can't do anything right. They don't even know what's going on, they only make matters worse etc and because they are females that's why couldn't do things well. " Of course there are female bosses who are not very useful to the coy but It just boils inside me when the view points he makes is so sexist and disrespectful.
Eg, we are on the topic of engineering.. he mentioned about his girl friend taking engineering in uni because her results are too poor to get into business course. He will go on, alot of people who are in engineering (he is in business) have no choice but to choose engin because their results are too bad to enter business school.
I was quite surprised and replied, that's true but there must be some who really likes engineering and think that's the course for them
He: Oh but never the girls. I've never seen girls who are good in engin. It's always the guys who are better and even in business school it's the guys as well.
Me: but there must be females who scores well too
He: It's so rare that i've never met one. Oh and anyway ,are there any great inventors who are females ?
I can't think of any in the older days so i kept quiet.. to that he raised his voice, "none! "
I used to complain about my work as well but due to his incessant negative views on females' cabability, i just hate to share my woes with him anymore.
By the way, i am earning as much as he does although he is a degree grad and i'm a diploma holder. And i'm 8 years younger than him.
We have been living with each other for coming two years.
Is it really common still for guys to have this kind of thinking nowadays? SHould i just shrug my shoulders each time he does it again or should i better make my move from him if i want some respect?
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Threaten him with a scissors at night.
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Is it my eyes or the font size?
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Originally posted by limpper:
Is it my eyes or the font size?
its the font size
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Originally posted by Fantagf:
ha ha ha, u the fucktard ah qua never stop to draw attention to yourself. Nobody who is normal talks like you. YOu the bitch is so damn fucking fond of sowing discord.Wait wait for your bloody severe punishment when you arrive in hell. A bloody evil, nasty character like yours will not end up in heaven.
Dun talk cock, desker road sex worker parn, nobody likes you, you fail to get men to love you and so make yourself so pitiful to vent frustrations on the forumers here. I have enough PM from forumers here complaining to me about your bloody nuisance.
Bloody parn, just admit to us you are having severe OCD that no drs can cure you. if you so frustrated, send yourself to hell lah. KNN!
Oh my gosh......here comes the Ah Kua Gong......And why would any forumers want lodge their complaints to a retarded Ah Kua like yourself other than your own clones?
You must be going mad complaining to yourself.
You are so funny...especially when you do your Mommy proud with your KNN.
Be a polite Ah Kua and maybe it's easier for other forumers to accept you into their community.
You don't really have to be an offensive Ah Kua to own other people deep deep ya.
And don't spoil this thread PLEASE.
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relax man
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You say:
Originally posted by barista:However, at times , when he caught me looking totally pissed with what he said, he will say he treats me differently from other people and he sees me as his equal.
but you also report:
Originally posted by barista:He: It's so rare that i've never met one. Oh and anyway ,are there any great inventors who are females ?
I can't think of any in the older days so i kept quiet.. to that he raised his voice, "none! "He says he treats you as an equal, yet his actions as reported clearly show that to be a lie. He's not only treated you in an insulting manner, he's rubbed salt into the wound by lying to you and saying that he treats you as an equal.
Guess what? You let him get away with it.
If he's as much of a misogynist as his views reflect, he's laughing every time he hands you this "treat you as equal" lie and you swallow it hook, line and sinker.
Sadly, if he thinks women are dumb, your continued acceptance of his lies only serve to provide him with more ammunition. You're simply perpetuating what you so hate.
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Originally posted by barista:
Sometimes it gets so frustrating talking to him. But 我�。
He looks down on females so much , it gets to my nerves. Yes,I'm talking about the male chauvinist boyfriend.
There are females in his company who are VPs , MDs, AVPs .
To that, he will say "oh they are useless, they can't do anything right. They don't even know what's going on, they only make matters worse etc and because they are females that's why couldn't do things well. " Of course there are female bosses who are not very useful to the coy but It just boils inside me when the view points he makes is so sexist and disrespectful.
Eg, we are on the topic of engineering.. he mentioned about his girl friend taking engineering in uni because her results are too poor to get into business course. He will go on, alot of people who are in engineering (he is in business) have no choice but to choose engin because their results are too bad to enter business school.
I was quite surprised and replied, that's true but there must be some who really likes engineering and think that's the course for them
He: Oh but never the girls. I've never seen girls who are good in engin. It's always the guys who are better and even in business school it's the guys as well.
Me: but there must be females who scores well too
He: It's so rare that i've never met one. Oh and anyway ,are there any great inventors who are females ?
I can't think of any in the older days so i kept quiet.. to that he raised his voice, "none! "
I used to complain about my work as well but due to his incessant negative views on females' cabability, i just hate to share my woes with him anymore.
By the way, i am earning as much as he does although he is a degree grad and i'm a diploma holder. And i'm 8 years younger than him.
We have been living with each other for coming two years.
Is it really common still for guys to have this kind of thinking nowadays? SHould i just shrug my shoulders each time he does it again or should i better make my move from him if i want some respect?that's just his male ego at play. sure there are incapable females out there, but that doesn't mean all cannot make it in career. there are guys out there who are lousy too
i think he should be quite a caring guy right? if not you wouldn't have been with him for so long, the weird thing is sometimes these chauvanistic guys can be quite gentlemanly and caring.
you better talk to him about it and let him know you don't like it. i know how you feel, i also hate such sexist comments, even though sometimes the guy really don't mean it.
some guys are just brought up with very strong male ego sentiments, and it will take time to change, you need patience. worse come to worse, if everything else fails, i'm sure you will know what to do
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I only look down on women when they drive. LOL.
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tell him go fly kite .
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gedanken,
I did kick up fusses about this with him . If this doesn't work. I tackle it using soft approach if not in other ways.But those never solve anything, it only makes my blood boils even more. So, what's the point? solution is simple. Either i accept him for who he is happily and without any grumbles or walk away from him.
I do hate myself for loving him. But if not for him, i wouldn't have known i'm capable of what i'm doing today. Probably, i used him to push myself to achieve greater heights in my life. to prove or to not to lose? I'm not sure. All i know is i enjoy the triumph. Like what candiz had mentioned , he sure has charm. Why should i allow such a flaw of his to overwhelm every part of him?
"treating me as his equal" Was that a lie?
There are times when He was unhappy with my flaws as well. But it wouldn't take long for him to come hug me again. So was that a pretence as well? -
It's entirely up to you to decide if it's a case of:
1) accepting this annoying characteristic because he has overwhelmingly positive traits or;
2) clutching at a few positive characteristics to excuse this significant flaw.
Ultimately, of course, the only person who could give you a straight answer to that is you. All I'm doing and all I can do is play devil's advocate.In playing devil's advocate, where I'm coming from is the story you often hear coming from abused wives: "He's such a great guy - it's just incovenient that he gives me a black eye every once in a while".
Seeing as how this fellow's chauvanism bothers you enough to the extent that you have raised this for discussion here, we cannot discount the possibility that you are looking for positives to compensate for the negatives. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I felt it was a valid aspect of this situation to be examined.
One other question I have is this: how does his hugging you make you his equal? Does a parent not hug a child? Does that make the child the parent's equal?
I would think the hug is more a case of being patronising than of treating you as an equal.
To be frank, I wonder if you're crediting this fellow with more intelligence than is justified, on the basis of his view that people study engineering because they can't make it into business. He's based this view on a sample of one (namely his girlfriend), and then taken it as a matter of gospel truth. Such unsubstantiated extrapolation is a very Chicken Little approach to things and a habit of the intellectually lazy and unintelligent.
Perhaps he does not extend such intellectual laziness to other aspects of his life, but given his tendency to stereotype, the evidence implies that such is not the case.
Mind you, I've no vested interest in promoting the virtues of business over engineering or vice versa. I'm a psychologist, specialising in leadership and organisational dynamics, and I often see senior managers and executives behaving the way your boyfriend does when they're out of their depth at work. One tendency I've often observed over the years is that people love showing off what they don't have, and when you scratch past the puffery and bravado you'll see the fear that drives it. It happens on such a regular basis that I'm reasonably confident that what you're seeing is such a case.
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I'm playing the angel's advocate all along.
Are there any ways to make him change ? That's what i'm harping for,all this while.
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The short answer is yes, but the caveats are that you have to know what you're doing and that you're prepared to take it all the way to the end.
You're in a challenging position here. In the case of my profession, the client's already acknowledged that he or she has a problem - they wouldn't be shelling out thousands of dollars to be told how wonderful they are. Because of this, we can get right down to the business of fixing the problem.
In your case, it hasn't yet been established that there is a problem, and this could be where you'll spend the most time and energy.
From what you've written, your boyfriend's made a fundamental error in his conclusions. He says that women can't do things well because they are women. That's circular reasoning. He has offered no explanation of how characteristics unique to women cause them not to do things well.
From a Rational-Emotive perspective, the key to dealing with your boyfriend is challenging this flaw in his reasoning, with the objective being that he acknowledges how he's really full of crap and that he needs to wake up his ideas, to put it in plain English.
However, I see two key challenges for you in taking this approach.
First, you've already demonstrated that you would rather let things slide instead of taking a stand - this is why you still have this problem and why we're talking about it right now. If you're going to challenge him, you can't afford to back down or walk away because it will only serve to reinforce his belief that he is right, regardless of his lack of reasoning.
Second, I'd be concerned that you lack the resources to challenge him. As it is, with that discussion about women inventors, two obvious answers would be Marie Curie's invention of the method of isolating radium (for which she was awarded the Nobel Prize) and Bette Nesmith Graham's invention of Liquid Paper - then again, my wife tells me that I'm a goldmine of useless knowledge.
In any case, what with the relative lack of knowledge that you have described and his tendency to take advantage of that and shout you down, you're facing a real challenge in dealing with him this way.
I'm not sure how serious you guys are, but if you're looking at long-term plans, another approach to take lies in examining how his attitudes impact upon your relationship. If you guys are planning for a family, it needs to be an equal partnership and that's not going to happen as long as he believes that women can't do things well because they are women. If simply being a woman is the cause of not being able to do things well, then you're up the creek because you're a woman. Of course he'll try to argue that you're different, but that won't hold water because as a woman, you are by default subject to his purported cause of not being able to do things well. As such, by his reasoning, you will never be able to do things well, and in turn there can be no equal partnership, so what future is there? If he takes the relationship seriously enough, you'll be in a position to get him to re-examine his flawed beliefs.
Again, from what you've described, he's likely to run rings around you even with this approach because you're not prepared to challenge him and hold your ground.
Back to the original question. Can he be changed? Yes. Can you change him? Based on the evidence on hand, I can't say yes with any measure of confidence.
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In short , only a walking encyclopedia ,intelligent woman can change his mindset of big headed-ness. but it just not happens to be me. Right?
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Nope. Only a capable woman will get him to revise his view that women are incapable.
Compare your conclusion to the sentence above, and you might figure out why I think you're not prepared to challenge his thinking.
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and by capable you mean ? my only clue is confidence.
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By capable I mean solution-focused enough to handle whatever objections he'll throw at you.
There were two ways you could have responded to what I wrote earlier:
1) you could have taken it in, started thinking in terms of a solution and come back with questions about what you need to do to be prepared, or;
2) you could have reacted emotionally and thrown in the towel, which is what you just did.If you're responding in this manner to what he tells you, all you're doing is reinforcing his views that women can't do things well because you're not attending to the solution. That being the case, there's even more evidence that he's simply handing you a condescending line of placation when he claims he treats you as an equal.
You don't have to be a walking encyclopaedia, you don't have to be a genius. What you have to do is stick to the issue at hand instead of chasing after red herrings.
By the way, if I recall correctly, Marie Curie's story is part of the early-secondary school science syllabus, so the walking encyclopaedia argument is a moot point in any case.
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wouldn't that be another day at work?
At the end of the day,i just want to relax,laugh heartily and be emotional . -
Originally posted by barista:
i just want to relax,laugh heartily and be emotional .
The very existence of this thread shows that this is already not the case, does it not?
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i'm drained being with him . I'm confused whether should i be with him because i just want to enjoy my free time (without keeping my mind occupied of my thoughts of him) which i can't seem to set myself to do that anymore. I'm very unhappy being with him.
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Originally posted by barista:
I'm playing the angel's advocate all along.
Are there any ways to make him change ? That's what i'm harping for,all this while.
The only way to change his opinion of women is to change him. Change him from inside, the outside world to remain as it is.
He is pissed, he thinks life is not being fair to him. He feels he should be greater than where he is now. And when he sees women who are at a level higher than him, feel inadequate, and he copes by badmouthing them.
He has to feel comfortable with himself. He has to have self esteem, as he is, and not a sense of grandiosement,
He has to develop self-confidence, else there is no way to change his views of people whom he deem to be lesser than him.