Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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get a lawyer
draft letter
separate/divorceshe won't die w/o u
u won't die w/o herjust be prepared to lose 50% of what u have
and the stigma of being a divorceebut if the relationship is so hopeless
no point suffering in silence to the point of being depressed
Irreconcilable differences is one possible ground for a divorce -
To assume that one is in a relationship (married or unmarried) - and self-flagellate for the so-called 'good' of another is delusional !
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Singlehood is better. Its not economical to have babies at all and if you tried, you probably end up in a worst state than you were before with no money to support yourself and your child. Unless your rich of course, but we all know rich people don't have kids. In fact, you should tell this to the government, since they keep encouraging people to have kids. Don't fall for their trap guys.
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Originally posted by Lim Wei Ming:
Singlehood is better. Its not economical to have babies at all and if you tried, you probably end up in a worst state than you were before with no money to support yourself and your child. Unless your rich of course, but we all know rich people don’t have kids.
In fact, you should tell this to the government, since they keep encouraging people to have kids.
Don’t fall for their trap guys.
Actually... having children is a good thing. That is.. if you can find the RIGHT partner.
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hi ts,
ai yah, small problem lah. life is bored de ma, especially with day in day out work routine, so pple have to do something fun (playing computer game or reading comics book). no wonder u r depress lah, u r depress because u r not doing something fun in life.
as for your wife she is bad temper, have u wonder why? was it because of work stress? if she stress at work, u come home let her scold scold a bit wont die one lah.
woman ma have to sayang sayang (take care) a bit lah but i think u dont know how to do that and that why she is pissed.
u as a husband something gonna be manly a bit lah, cannot soft soft like that de ma, everything also give in to wife how can, like dat die lah. sometime u also must act act angry and shout at her back the ma. u is the husband or she is the husband?
how about doing this, let her know 1 3 5 u go play your computer game or read your comics lor (best is go lan shop or read at comics shop, dont do that at home.)
2 4 6 u stay at home to help her tidy the house or chit chat with her lor. sunday take a rest.
see how it goes lor or u still wanna consider divorce?
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i think bro honestly,ur wife a bitch,lemme fuck her for u to teach her a lesson
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
The last thing a woman wants.. is sex she cannot enjoy.
then what is the 1st thing woman want har and also how to emotional connect u said earier in the above post.can give me some example pls. i got problem in having conversation with woman.
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Originally posted by BotaHead:
then what is the 1st thing woman want har and also how to emotional connect u said earier in the above post.can give me some example pls. i got problem in having conversation with woman.
What is the BEST alcoholic drink you had in your life mr Bota head ?
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GreyMeow,
IMO are you sure you no longer love your wife? because from all the scenarios that you've given it seems that you'll return to her whenever she's hurt or she's feeling down.
When a guy truly have no feelings for a girl anymore it doesnt matter if she's creating a scene or pleading you to stay, the guy would just break off all ties with her and move on. (Oh wells maybe I'm just heartless and this doesnt apply to everyone.)
Just give you and her 1 more chance, take a day off from work spend quality time with her and try to reignite that feeling you once had for her, if all these fails make a cold hard break with her, you know you've done your best in salvaging this marriage and be prepared to be heartless during the process of divorcing in order to hold on to your assets.
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A Chinese saying that it takes a 1000 years to be destined to share a bed and be a husband and wife. So don't talk about a divorce so easily. For a relationship to last, it takes 2 to compromise with each other.
May I suggest to you that your too giving in to her demand, have a part to play in this. It had created in her the habit that things had to be done her way. Therefore you have to be firm when necessary. Talk to her. Put your foot forward for your right to have your own personal time too.
Most people faced the same problem that after starting a marriage life, you start to lose all your friends, so do make sure you keep your friends. A female friend may make her jealous, so request her to join in your gather whenever possible. Similarly, participate in her gathering with her freinds whenever possible too.
I would suggest that you ironed out the problems before having babies. I am one that firmly believe that babies make a marriage life complete. It also tend to divert the 100% attention on you to the others as well. It is also an "acheivement" that both can share But be warned taht other problems may arise as well. So, learn to resolve it together.
Nobody can decide the solutiion to your problems except the 2 of you., but keeping an open communication helps
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Originally posted by BotaHead:
hi ts,
ai yah, small problem lah. life is bored de ma, especially with day in day out work routine, so pple have to do something fun (playing computer game or reading comics book). no wonder u r depress lah, u r depress because u r not doing something fun in life.
as for your wife she is bad temper, have u wonder why? was it because of work stress? if she stress at work, u come home let her scold scold a bit wont die one lah.
woman ma have to sayang sayang (take care) a bit lah but i think u dont know how to do that and that why she is pissed.
u as a husband something gonna be manly a bit lah, cannot soft soft like that de ma, everything also give in to wife how can, like dat die lah. sometime u also must act act angry and shout at her back the ma. u is the husband or she is the husband?
how about doing this, let her know 1 3 5 u go play your computer game or read your comics lor (best is go lan shop or read at comics shop, dont do that at home.)
2 4 6 u stay at home to help her tidy the house or chit chat with her lor. sunday take a rest.
see how it goes lor or u still wanna consider divorce?
1st-2nd yr - she was pissed off cos she thought i'm untidy, lazy, waste alot of money and time on my hobbies
3rd-4th yr - she was pissed off cos she felt she was not getting enough attention from me cos i was always tired or sick (& i ve stopped playing games completely, stopped going out with frens, read books at the min., still buy her gifts, celebrate the holidays with her, take care of her when she is sick, etc)
5th-6th yrs - she was still pissed that i was not giving her enough attention but this time it is true. consciously or subconsciously, i was avoiding her and trying to survive my depression
7th yr - not sure if i can survive this year...or just blow up and end it all
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
....But yes.. you shoulda packed your stuff and walk out that door. Tell her that you will only come back.. after she has calmed down. And every time she becomes destructive again.. you WALK....
walking out isnt a solution. But i do agree that having a child right now is not an ideal situation. yup. -
Originally posted by logistic:
GreyMeow,
IMO are you sure you no longer love your wife? because from all the scenarios that you've given it seems that you'll return to her whenever she's hurt or she's feeling down.
When a guy truly have no feelings for a girl anymore it doesnt matter if she's creating a scene or pleading you to stay, the guy would just break off all ties with her and move on. (Oh wells maybe I'm just heartless and this doesnt apply to everyone.)
Just give you and her 1 more chance, take a day off from work spend quality time with her and try to reignite that feeling you once had for her, if all these fails make a cold hard break with her, you know you've done your best in salvaging this marriage and be prepared to be heartless during the process of divorcing in order to hold on to your assets.
i'm sure i don't love my wife...even though i still care for her as a husband should...but it's just the way i'm brought up by my parents to take responsibilities as i should and my character.
i'm the quiet calm patient type and it's hard to get me to be angry. i'm also the 'service' type. it's no wonder that i'm working in a service/support line. i'm the peace-maker for my family and friends.
i think it's b'cos of these, i couldn't handle my own distress. after more than 25 yrs of 'servicing' others, everybody around me expect me to help them, not the other way around. and i couldn't articulate my problem very well (verbally). even if i tell them my problems, they will think it's not severe or i can resolve them somehow.
so, even when i don't love her, i just care for my wife the only way i know until she come to term that i don't love her and let me go willingly.
if both of us can get a divorce, i don't really care about my assets. she can have everything. i just want a clean break and that she or her family don't bother me again.
maybe saying the above with classify me as a hypocrite, soft and cowardly but i honestly admit i don't know how to handle my situation at all.
i'm desperate - i don't know how to approach her and make her come to term properly.and hence, seeking help desperately.
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to mr. marriage problem:
have u thought of tying her to the bed and gagging her???u are stronger than her.....all she wants n needs is to be tenderised by u from the start.no problemo!sex adventures with your wife is all u need. and buy yer vibrator to tire her down n train her too!
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then when ya brooken yer vibrator n shes too tired to nag....ya can go do yer hobbies n stuff....
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Originally posted by hiphop2009:
walking out isnt a solution. But i do agree that having a child right now is not an ideal situation. yup.I'm not sayin he outa walk away during a reasonable argument/discussion/confrontation etc..
I'm sayin he needs to walk away whenever she becomes "DESTRUCTIVE".
When she yells, screams, throw things around, start her intimidation.
When you make it known to her you only respond to her when she can properly communicate without the big dramas... she will learn that her destructive ways is not getting her anywhere.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
i'm sure i don't love my wife...even though i still care for her as a husband should...but it's just the way i'm brought up by my parents to take responsibilities as i should and my character.
i'm the quiet calm patient type and it's hard to get me to be angry. i'm also the 'service' type. it's no wonder that i'm working in a service/support line. i'm the peace-maker for my family and friends.
i think it's b'cos of these, i couldn't handle my own distress. after more than 25 yrs of 'servicing' others, everybody around me expect me to help them, not the other way around. and i couldn't articulate my problem very well (verbally). even if i tell them my problems, they will think it's not severe or i can resolve them somehow.
so, even when i don't love her, i just care for my wife the only way i know until she come to term that i don't love her and let me go willingly.
if both of us can get a divorce, i don't really care about my assets. she can have everything. i just want a clean break and that she or her family don't bother me again.
maybe saying the above with classify me as a hypocrite, soft and cowardly but i honestly admit i don't know how to handle my situation at all.
i'm desperate - i don't know how to approach her and make her come to term properly.and hence, seeking help desperately.
haha...maybe i am a bit too blunt, u ish fall in love with another woman?
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
What is the BEST alcoholic drink you had in your life mr Bota head ?
haha..didnt know that what a woman 1st want is to know is which is the best alcoholic drink.i dont drink tho, maybe tiger beer once in a while. prefer something sweet, u know of any alcoholic drink that is sweet to recommand?
=P
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your story sounds similar to mine many years ago, but there are some differences. now i was divorced. previously was seperated.
with all the scolding and the wife not giving into u in the relationship, nothing is going to work. husband and wife need to give and take. this is very important.
my ex wife finally wake up the idea after i draw a line between her and myself.
you need to give her a reason and let her mind do the thinking to reason out. no point sit down and talk and ended up unhappy again.
this is my real experience to share. hope it helps.
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i witnessed relatives having the same problems. I shook my head in my heart. The wife is real excellent in fault finding. The husband is a soft person.
I pity those husbands who have hard time facing such kind of wives. Jia men de bu xing to have such wives, tsk tsk, shake my head. Such women don't accept reasoning they only want things their way.
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Originally posted by BotaHead:
haha...maybe i am a bit too blunt, u ish fall in love with another woman?
fall in love with another woman? no, i didn't. maybe i should but there is nobody.
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Originally posted by playmemory:
your story sounds similar to mine many years ago, but there are some differences. now i was divorced. previously was seperated.
with all the scolding and the wife not giving into u in the relationship, nothing is going to work. husband and wife need to give and take. this is very important.
my ex wife finally wake up the idea after i draw a line between her and myself.
you need to give her a reason and let her mind do the thinking to reason out. no point sit down and talk and ended up unhappy again.
this is my real experience to share. hope it helps.
i'll be interested in how you draw the line and make her wake up the idea.
when you get your separation, did she know? how did she react? did you move out of the house?
are you the soft person like me?
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Grey Meow ,
It is palpable and very apparent that u seem to kind of relish the self-flagellation - it gives u meaning to your existence, otherwise u would have summoned courage to ...
U may leave her ,or have a child and still leave - it makes no difference, a dysfuntional adult - a dsyfucntional relationship, a dysfunctional child. Seeing is an art , sight - a mere faculty, so is the same for listening or hearing?
The other thing is that there is a crowd in u, not u lar, inner voice is utter crap, whose voice - parental, societal, religious, political - unless u kill these 4 voices - in other words, the conditioning - it is going to be the same melodram and psychodrama. Inner voice - means urs and urs alone, even excluding me.
Get that voice first, in other words, unlearn, let go and ... n wheter u save your marrriage, or leave your marriage - its up to u, its not rite/wrong - what frees u?
Short of apportioning blame on ur spouse - has it ever crossed ur mind - she wants u to initiate sth - even divorce - so its ur responsibility, its could be a war of attrition, and even if its not like i have .... she is equally responsible, she is selfish - how ? - she is a burden on herself - a burden on u, emotional burden is sickness.
To stay in a marriage, relationship cos one wants to not lose face, or lose materially, or fear the loss of one' sense of identity or meaning of life .... is a betrayal of oneself.
Love deos not compromise, needs and fears masquerading as love always compromise
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Originally posted by BotaHead:
haha..didnt know that what a woman 1st want is to know is which is the best alcoholic drink.i dont drink tho, maybe tiger beer once in a while. prefer something sweet, u know of any alcoholic drink that is sweet to recommand?
=P
Ok. .. now why do you like Tiger Beer ?
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Grey Meow ,
It is palpable and very apparent that u seem to kind of relish the self-flagellation - it gives u meaning to your existence, otherwise u would have summoned courage to ...
U may leave her ,or have a child and still leave - it makes no difference, a dysfuntional adult - a dsyfucntional relationship, a dysfunctional child. Seeing is an art , sight - a mere faculty, so is the same for listening or hearing?
The other thing is that there is a crowd in u, not u lar, inner voice is utter crap, whose voice - parental, societal, religious, political - unless u kill these 4 voices - in other words, the conditioning - it is going to be the same melodram and psychodrama. Inner voice - means urs and urs alone, even excluding me.
Get that voice first, in other words, unlearn, let go and ... n wheter u save your marrriage, or leave your marriage - its up to u, its not rite/wrong - what frees u?
Short of apportioning blame on ur spouse - has it ever crossed ur mind - she wants u to initiate sth - even divorce - so its ur responsibility, its could be a war of attrition, and even if its not like i have .... she is equally responsible, she is selfish - how ? - she is a burden on herself - a burden on u, emotional burden is sickness.
To stay in a marriage, relationship cos one wants to not lose face, or lose materially, or fear the loss of one' sense of identity or meaning of life .... is a betrayal of oneself.
Love deos not compromise, needs and fears masquerading as love always compromise
self-flagellation...okay, make sense.
relish in it? that's a horrible thought.
give me a meaning of existence? maybe.
i've been asked by psychologists before...that since i already know what i wanted, why am i still dragging my feet and not having the courage....i couldn't ans the qns. i usu. end up with a bad headache at this stage and had to end the session
i still can't ans to the qns now...couldn't break thru this barrier. everytime this qns pop-up, my brain shut-down and i couldn't think at all...then the headache will come strong, painful and hard.
there were some external factors that diverted me from divorce a few times.
1. on the 3rd-4th yrs of our marriage, we were on the verge of breaking up the marriage. then her uncle's wife suddenly divorced him (after 19 yrs of marriage and 2 children) and her family was very chaotic over it. also my sis marriage life was on the rock. her husband had called the police several times and get protection for her children b'cos he said she was abusing them.
2. on the 5th yrs, one of her relative committed suicide due to a failed relationship. also, her sis had a bad depression after her bf of 5 yrs (they were almost to get marry) broke up with her that same yr.
3 on the 6th yrs, my father had stroke and the situation had my full attention
anyway, these were external factors that kinda complicated my situation. i know my decision, i just need to be able to get her to accept it too