Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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to greymeow:
why dun u just sexually satisfy her instead,,,,,cheap and the reason whyy ya married to one another!
from the way her relatives go,,,and had head problems...i think its time u took command of her life as well as yours!
just request her to be nice...............or u slowly become a sex monster on her.very simple....yer problem is actually not a problem.
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if she wans a baby, u better w8 till ur relationship stabilise first b4 having one... if nt it will worsen the matter... plus i tink she wans u to tink abt ur family instead of playing games everyday but i oso tink tht ur wife picking fault on u.. sometimes u nid to show ur wife whose boss and sometimes u nid to care abt her... alternating... she stingy cus she wans to help u save money... u see every mum will do it
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Ok. .. now why do you like Tiger Beer ?
oh ok...actually the chinese believe that the tiger is kind of power symbol for man but i cant afford the tiger so i drink the beer.
...and also another reason is because i was told that all the guys are naughty ah, especially those that like to drink tiger beer...haha
ok lah, dont wanna hijack pple post liao, shall stop here, bo eng already...byeee...
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Greymeow,
Life undefined - u live, existence is an expereince, not a thing, life is not a thing - its a process, whatever u are doing and being now is 'life' - rite/wrong is relative, the duality of the mind when accepted , acknowledged becomes easier, what u accept frees u, what u dont binds u. Take cognizance of the hijacked mind, the cluttered mind- the four evils - family, society, the priest, the politician - in u , kill it every day, every moment, u will lose ur identity, u will see the original in u, it is going inwards, its risky, only in a placid or silent lake - u see reflections, - u see the depth.
U mentioned events that transpired years ago, man, the past is dead, a cancelled cheque has no validity, its only i the mind, u keep playing it, how to live when the past is bogging u down, simple eg, u are having a plate of chicken rice in a coffee shop A, u are thinking of the chicken rice that tasted so good in coffeeshop B that u had a few days ago(past), or comparing or yearning for char kuay teow on another plate nearby to ur seat and wondering if it will taste better, so all that u expereince in front of u now is adulterated, so learn to flow, ..... otherwise its the same melodrama or psychodrama
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I have given u a perfect eg of existence, (last para)
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Greymeow,
Life undefined - u live, existence is an expereince, not a thing, life is not a thing - its a process, whatever u are doing and being now is 'life' - rite/wrong is relative, the duality of the mind when accepted , acknowledged becomes easier, what u accept frees u, what u dont binds u. Take cognizance of the hijacked mind, the cluttered mind- the four evils - family, society, the priest, the politician - in u , kill it every day, every moment, u will lose ur identity, u will see the original in u, it is going inwards, its risky, only in a placid or silent lake - u see reflections, - u see the depth.
U mentioned events that transpired years ago, man, the past is dead, a cancelled cheque has no validity, its only i the mind, u keep playing it, how to live when the past is bogging u down, simple eg, u are having a plate of chicken rice in a coffee shop A, u are thinking of the chicken rice that tasted so good in coffeeshop B that u had a few days ago(past), or comparing or yearning for char kuay teow on another plate nearby to ur seat and wondering if it will taste better, so all that u expereince in front of u now is adulterated, so learn to flow, ..... otherwise its the same melodrama or psychodrama
errr...hmmm...i don't understand. what do you mean? this is too complicate for me.
that i stuck myself in the past or put myself in a static present unwilling to move fwd? if this is true, then it's unintentional.
consciously i want to move fwd, i want an end to this relationship...i do not know what's holding me bck. fear? maybe..of her doing something silly. maybe there are other reasons locked in my brain that i cannot access that stopping me to move fwd
others told me i shouldn't care what she do to herself since it's her own life. is that also a process that i should experience and simply hope she won't do something silly?
*my headache is coming now....:(
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What is complicating matters for u is that u are weighing the pros and cons, and listeing too much to what others say (me included) - let me repeat, there is no rite/wrong, all is relative. go for beliefs that unlimit u, not hold on to beliefs , definitions and customs , so on so forth, it was given to u, its not urs, what u create out of u is always urs, what is given to u by others , may stay, may change, then what happens?
No - what u do with urself or are being - that is a process, what she does (or be) is her business, u cannot change her with words, only ur beaviour with urself and for yourself, mite work.
Whether she is going to be silly or clever or ... its her choice, her responsibility, not yours, now u are being responsibe for her , its killing u, please, understand this, if u are willing to lose all - eg, house, money, ..... and feel free and it is that what u really u want in your heart of hearts - go for it, .... read my previous postings,
Ur wife, sadly, is bereft of love, she has needs, fears, anxiety,(masquerading as love) and probably feels unfulfilled and she is blaming u, if u were not around, the next person would still face the same shit. Likewise, look at urself, within u, are u blaming or .....
u came here on earth to be u, not to live for someone or sacrifice to keep sth going, the wise would appreciate u for what u are, accept u, and let u be, real love is the freeing of another, of course, it presupposes one (the other) is also free himself/herself. I m talking about being free on the INSIDE - free of the conditioning of ....
Love is life, life is not. My sugeestion, if u want peace, the heart has 'answers' that mite free u, provided u are willing to risk all, the mind also has answers, but be wary of the 4 evils that reside in ur subconsious lar
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
What is complicating matters for u is that u are weighing the pros and cons, and listeing too much to what others say (me included) - let me repeat, there is no rite/wrong, all is relative. go for beliefs that unlimit u, not hold on to beliefs , definitions and customs , so on so forth, it was given to u, its not urs, what u create out of u is always urs, what is given to u by others , may stay, may change, then what happens?
No - what u do with urself or are being - that is a process, what she does (or be) is her business, u cannot change her with words, only ur beaviour with urself and for yourself, mite work.
Whether she is going to be silly or clever or ... its her choice, her responsibility, not yours, now u are being responsibe for her , its killing u, please, understand this, if u are willing to lose all - eg, house, money, ..... and feel free and it is that what u really u want in your heart of hearts - go for it, .... read my previous postings,
Ur wife, sadly, is bereft of love, she has needs, fears, anxiety,(masquerading as love) and probably feels unfulfilled and she is blaming u, if u were not around, the next person would still face the same shit. Likewise, look at urself, within u, are u blaming or .....
u came here on earth to be u, not to live for someone or sacrifice to keep sth going, the wise would appreciate u for what u are, accept u, and let u be, real love is the freeing of another, of course, it presupposes one (the other) is also free himself/herself. I m talking about being free on the INSIDE - free of the conditioning of ....
Love is life, life is not. My sugeestion, if u want peace, the heart has 'answers' that mite free u, provided u are willing to risk all, the mind also has answers, but be wary of the 4 evils that reside in ur subconsious lar
okay, i got it loud and clear now.
i don't care of the material lost if i can just be free from this relationship.
you captured the core of my problems. somehow i feel responsible of how she face the end of this relationship...and i don't know why (probably the four evils - family, society, the priest, the politician that's messing with my mind)
the other problem is how to make her acknowledge the problems (of her denial, her insecurity) and seek help.....which again is the above (feeling responsible for her). i think i own it to her to at least somehow get her to acknowledge her problems and seek help.
so, i identify the cause. strategically i know what i need to do - overcome my own mental barrier, get her to seek help, leave her, live my own life. i need a tactical action plan
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Good to see you got it sorted out and now you need to put thoughts into action. Good luck
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Fatum, I think you got this backwards.
Sex does not bring about initmacy. It's intimacy/emotional connection that brings about good sex.
but sometime....
that work....
coz they go hand in hand....
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Originally posted by dkcx:
Good to see you got it sorted out and now you need to put thoughts into action. Good luck
Yeah, i need a detailed tactical action plan for
1. overcome my own mental barrier (of feeling so responsible of her, feeding her needs and insecurity, etc)
2. get her to acknowledge her problems and seek help,
3. leave her
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Well, u cannot undo what has been done or said, its all gone, i would suggest that u offer her suggestions, short of telling her what to do. its disrespectful , cos no one likes to be told what to do, if she is amenable to suggestions, good lar, if not , lump it,
Like i mentioned earlier, no one can change another with words, one can be at most a catalyst for transformation, is she is wise - she would unlearn her 'silly' ways and ...
Change is easy, tranformation is inner!
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do u still love and care abt her?
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.
i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me. also,
i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).
so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.
i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.
by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.
by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.
however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.
This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.
also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.
simple , solve her prob and u can solve yours after her's.. -
Originally posted by Aang:
do u still love and care abt her?
i did reply on this somewhere above. in short, love - no, care - yes. they are different things.
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Originally posted by Fugazzi:
Well, u cannot undo what has been done or said, its all gone, i would suggest that u offer her suggestions, short of telling her what to do. its disrespectful , cos no one likes to be told what to do, if she is amenable to suggestions, good lar, if not , lump it,
Like i mentioned earlier, no one can change another with words, one can be at most a catalyst for transformation, is she is wise - she would unlearn her 'silly' ways and ...
Change is easy, tranformation is inner!
yes, i got that. at the moment, i still don't any action plan or suggestions to let her acknowledge her problems yet. it's not going to easy to tell her or suggest to her anything when she is in denial and has no respect for me. the best i think is someone else to tell her but i don't know anyone who will do that.
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Originally posted by [3Dd|E]:
simple , solve her prob and u can solve yours after her's..yes, likely if i can solve her prob..i solve mine as well...
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
yes, likely if i can solve her prob..i solve mine as well...
Mister, can tell that you still love her. Hope you find ways to sort out your problems and not seek divorce since you still love her.What about going for holidays to rekindle ?
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TS, from what I saw on your previous posts, sorry to say that you are a selfish guy. I pity your wife. Sorry to be rude but......
It is your "you rong gua duan" that kills your marriage. The crack occurs becos you did not handle the situation properly.
Marriage for 7yrs, courtship for xx yrs. I believe that you should have known her well enough by now. How can you wait & wait till things turn so sour that both of you cannot taste the sweetness other than sour.
You either endure till end of everything or shout out everything after giving her several warnings. Marriage is diff from courtship, honeymoon period while dating. 2 pax from diff world live together in an "enclosed environment." Luckily that no kid is involved in this or else i think you can go MPH liao.
You can voice out what you feel in Sgf becos you have no peer pressure as no one knows you. But you can't voice out to her becos of.... Have you ever feel guilty towards her? If I am in your shoe, i will....... She spends her most beautiful 10yrs of youth with you.....
No 3rd party here can tell you or advise you what is best for you. Only you can decide for yourself. Asking a couple to divorce is very bad. It takes alot to become husband & wife.
38yrs old is still young and dun rush to conclusion. Think of the times that both of you were happily together. Give each other space to cool things down. If you wan, you can leave the house for a month, go back to your parent's or sibling's home for a short stay. Perhaps a cold turkey from your side can cure your wife's unstable condition.
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This is how things are, this is the such ness of life: Life flows, nothing abides. Only fools go on clinging. If change is the nature of life, then clinging is stupidity, because your clinging is not going to change existence (life). Your clinging is only going to make you miserable. Things are bound to change; whether you cling or not does not matter. If you cling you become miserable: you cling and they change, you feel frustrated. If you don't cling they still change, but then there is no frustration because you were perfectly aware that they are bound to change.
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Originally posted by Bak la va:
TS, from what I saw on your previous posts, sorry to say that you are a selfish guy. I pity your wife. Sorry to be rude but......
It is your "you rong gua duan" that kills your marriage. The crack occurs becos you did not handle the situation properly.
Marriage for 7yrs, courtship for xx yrs. I believe that you should have known her well enough by now. How can you wait & wait till things turn so sour that both of you cannot taste the sweetness other than sour.
You either endure till end of everything or shout out everything after giving her several warnings. Marriage is diff from courtship, honeymoon period while dating. 2 pax from diff world live together in an "enclosed environment." Luckily that no kid is involved in this or else i think you can go MPH liao.
You can voice out what you feel in Sgf becos you have no peer pressure as no one knows you. But you can't voice out to her becos of.... Have you ever feel guilty towards her? If I am in your shoe, i will....... She spends her most beautiful 10yrs of youth with you.....
No 3rd party here can tell you or advise you what is best for you. Only you can decide for yourself. Asking a couple to divorce is very bad. It takes alot to become husband & wife.
38yrs old is still young and dun rush to conclusion. Think of the times that both of you were happily together. Give each other space to cool things down. If you wan, you can leave the house for a month, go back to your parent's or sibling's home for a short stay. Perhaps a cold turkey from your side can cure your wife's unstable condition.
thanks for your reply. i was still wondering when somebody will 'bash' me here. i admit in the past 2 yrs i had been dragging my feet.
i've stated my situation completely here in my post...didn't leave out much or being one-side in my story (although it's a post of my problems). i don't deny my poor handling of my marriage and was ready for any 'bashing' when i made my post.
believe it or not, the past 7 yrs of marriage had been hard and unhappy. i can hardly tell you of any happy moments. all i can say is that i'm always tense around her, not knowing where she will flare up for whatever reasons.
i can explain to you all day all things i had tried and perhaps you will still think i'm biased.
i didn't post my problems to give myself excuses in my failure or to make myself feel better or right..neither can i ask for your understanding. it's in my desperation too that i put up my post.
it maybe true nobody knows me here and nobody can tell me what to do.
after 7 yrs, i'm just an emotional wreck right now and i feel very guilty and ashamed i couldn't save my marriage..still i feel responsible and hope to find a way to make her acknowledge her problems and seek help. i still think the marriage is over for me and i just want to move on even if it appear selfish to you.
i cannot express to you how much guilt i've towards her and i doubt you'll believe me.
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Originally posted by Fantagf:
Mister, can tell that you still love her. Hope you find ways to sort out your problems and not seek divorce since you still love her.What about going for holidays to rekindle ?
i don't think i love her anymore. just feel responsible for her. yes, i hope i can find a way to help her and me soon. i definitely want to move on with my life.....w/o her.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
i don't think i love her anymore. just feel responsible for her. yes, i hope i can find a way to help her and me soon. i definitely want to move on with my life.....w/o her.
What about approaching counsellors to help out? -
Originally posted by GreyMeow:
thanks for your reply. i was still wondering when somebody will 'bash' me here. i admit in the past 2 yrs i had been dragging my feet.
i've stated my situation completely here in my post...didn't leave out much or being one-side in my story (although it's a post of my problems). i don't deny my poor handling of my marriage and was ready for any 'bashing' when i made my post.
believe it or not, the past 7 yrs of marriage had been hard and unhappy. i can hardly tell you of any happy moments. all i can say is that i'm always tense around her, not knowing where she will flare up for whatever reasons.
i can explain to you all day all things i had tried and perhaps you will still think i'm biased.
i didn't post my problems to give myself excuses in my failure or to make myself feel better or right..neither can i ask for your understanding. it's in my desperation too that i put up my post.
it maybe true nobody knows me here and nobody can tell me what to do.
after 7 yrs, i'm just an emotional wreck right now and i feel very guilty and ashamed i couldn't save my marriage..still i feel responsible and hope to find a way to make her acknowledge her problems and seek help. i still think the marriage is over for me and i just want to move on even if it appear selfish to you.
i cannot express to you how much guilt i've towards her and i doubt you'll believe me.
since you have decided, then go for it. Don't regret the decision that you have made. She may hate you now and thanks you after finding her next chapter in life.Keeping quiet dun solve things in relationship.
Luckily I am not like you or else I would have married and bear kids for him that only feel guilt towards me..... Luckily me
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Selfishness is when one is a burden on another, when one is expecting another to be responsible for one's happiness, well-being and so on so forth.
In other words, one remains a beggar, one is never an emperor, wheter it be in a marriage, or a relationship or even a friendship, the emperor is rich within, he/she is abundant - able to share without expectations. The beggar has nothing to share, what can he/she give?
Translate this into the arena of everyday living (add on ....), look around, and one can see!
Alas, it is misconstrued - i m talking about richness that emanates from one's Being, one's heart. one is either impoverished or one is abundantly overflowing