Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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Originally posted by Bak la va:
since you have decided, then go for it.
Don't regret the decision that you have made. She may hate you now
and thanks you after finding her next chapter in life.Keeping quiet dun solve things in relationship.
Luckily I am not like you or else I would have married and bear kids for him that only feel guilt towards me..... Luckily me
yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.
yes, everybody is luckier than me.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.
yes, everybody is luckier than me.
Its always possible to find some1 unluckier than you. Don't think so negatively.
Don't keep thinking about how she will react, what she will do, how she will think etc. Think about yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Ultimately you are living your life for yourself and not for her.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
yes, i hope she can move on too. i still have not find any way to let her acknowledge the problem....so the reason i'm here.
yes, everybody is luckier than me.
If u really want to do that, there is alots of ways de mah....
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Originally posted by dkcx:
Its always possible to find some1 unluckier than you. Don't think so negatively.
Don't keep thinking about how she will react, what she will do, how she will think etc. Think about yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Ultimately you are living your life for yourself and not for her.
right. i've been trying very hard not to think negatively. depression is a terrible illness...it take alot of self-control and energy just to stay 'normal'.
it's easier said than done....esp. when i still so guilty and responsible for her and i still don't know how to get her to acknowledge the problem.
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Originally posted by Bak la va:
If u really want to do that, there is alots of ways de mah....
really?! can you advise me please?
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
really?! can you advise me please?
you want soft approach or harsh approach? -
Greymeow,
Your wife will not move on.. as long as you stay. And it is emotional torture for her to come home to a husband who is emotionally withdrawn and is unable to rekindle the bond.
I suggest you move out first. Go stay with your parents or rent a place elsewhere. Don't need to file the papers yet.
You need to remove yourself from the toxic environment you called home. A sanctuary that was meant to foster peace.. has turned into a cold war zone. Give yourself some space to recover from your depression.
Right now.. your dilema is that you don't know how to break the news to her. You want out.. but you are afraid of the repercussions.
There's no easy way to break a divorce news to your spouse. It may come as a surprise for her.
Ya need to give her some time to wrap her brains around the decision. Let her ride the anger over ...but ... DO NOT give her hope of a reconciliation if there is none.
That is why it is best to move out.. and maintain contact in a civil and business manner.
DO NOT play the blame game. Be CIVIL about it.
Good luck.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
right. i've been trying very hard not to think negatively. depression is a terrible illness...it take alot of self-control and energy just to stay 'normal'.
it's easier said than done....esp. when i still so guilty and responsible for her and i still don't know how to get her to acknowledge the problem.
Depression is hard to deal with i know since you aren't the 1st person with depression i've known through sgf. The first thing to become normal is not not treat yourself as being abnormal and continue to remind yourself or even think that you are depressed.
Don't think about her at all. Just walkout if shes unreasonable as what some others have suggested or file for a seperation order etc. Do not always consider how she would feel, make yourself guilty etc since that will never let you get anything done. Think for yourself, harden your heart and just do what you should.
The first step is always the hardest to take. Give yourself courage to step out this 1 first step and the later steps will gradually get easier.
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Before you even got married you should have long asked her and yourself. Were you even ready to accept her as a whole and embrace her flaws? She is a perfectionist and you a soft spoken compromising fella. A balanced combination but your time bomb ticking to explode. It will always takes two hands to clap, ask yourself, What is it you did that let her face such insecurities?
I can't offer much advice but only one which is to ask yourself why did you marry her even in the first place? seek that emotion, think of the happier times, talk to her more, show her more attention you do not just stop and do nothing. You stop and you move it on!
The way you placed your thread only dwells in your self pity. My dear fellow i feel for you and i understand that pain. But have you seriously asked and think real hard without hating her, on what part did you done wrong or you have lacked after marrying her?
Hope i woke you up a little, love touches once and last a lifetime.. Someone taught me that once and it was a regret that woke me up and treasure my next and i hope it will ring a bell for you too.
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Originally posted by dkcx:
Depression is hard to deal with i know since you aren't the 1st person with depression i've known through sgf. The first thing to become normal is not not treat yourself as being abnormal and continue to remind yourself or even think that you are depressed.
Don't think about her at all. Just walkout if shes unreasonable as what some others have suggested or file for a seperation order etc. Do not always consider how she would feel, make yourself guilty etc since that will never let you get anything done. Think for yourself, harden your heart and just do what you should.
The first step is always the hardest to take. Give yourself courage to step out this 1 first step and the later steps will gradually get easier.
True true...Grey's problem is fairly common among married couples.
Married couple who fights over their differences. Fighting takes a toll on their marriage. And turns their marital home into a battle ground. Husband starts emotional withdrawal. Wife feels unloved and puts up more demand to test presence of love. Husband goes into his cave... wife gets more angrier because women wants to talk it out... and the problem perpetuate itself.
So.. during their marriage they are at each other's throat.... but after a divorce.. they actually can be "friendly" with each other. Strange how humans's behave sometimes. The lack of marital expectations........changes everything.
Some people may think friends are great to become a marital partner.. But they are dead wrong. Because a male and a female .. sometimes are only suitable to be .. just friends, they can only care for each other at friendship level.
When you are friends, you don't care if that person is a perfectionist or a slob. Because they are just friends.
That's why we "take it up" to the next level.. .. courtship level.. then marital level.. then child raising level... then finally the empty nest/retirement age level.
So apparently.. Grey and his wife.. couldn't even get past the marital level.
But for TS's case... since they have no kids.. life doesn't get that complicated.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
True true...Grey's problem is fairly common among married couples.
Married couple who fights over their differences. Fighting takes a toll on their marriage. And turns their marital home into a battle ground. Husband starts emotional withdrawal. Wife feels unloved and puts up more demand to test presence of love. Husband goes into his cave... wife gets more angrier because women wants to talk it out... and the problem perpetuate itself.
After divorce.. no more marital expectations.. no more fightings.. are able to become friends.
So.. during their marriage they are at each other's throat.... but after a divorce.. they actually can be "friendly" with each other. Strange how humans's behave sometimes.
Some people may think friends are great to become a marital partner.. But they are dead wrong. Because a male and a female .. sometimes are only suitable to be .. just friends, they can only care for each other ..as a friend could.
When you are friends, you don't care if that person is a perfectionist or a slop. Because they are just friends.
Many troubled married couples with kids... stayed in the marriage.. as "friends", that's how they keep it together.
But for TS's case... since they have no kids.. it's so much more easier.
Absolutely agree.
No money issue when they become friends. May be more caring to each other when they become friends.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Greymeow,
Your wife will not move on.. as long as you stay. And it is emotional torture for her to come home to a husband who is emotionally withdrawn and is unable to rekindle the bond.
I suggest you move out first. Go stay with your parents or rent a place elsewhere. Don't need to file the papers yet.
You need to remove yourself from the toxic environment you called home. A sanctuary that was meant to foster peace.. has turned into a cold war zone. Give yourself some space to recover from your depression.
Right now.. your dilema is that you don't know how to break the news to her. You want out.. but you are afraid of the repercussions.
There's no easy way to break a divorce news to your spouse. It may come as a surprise for her.
Ya need to give her some time to wrap her brains around the decision. Let her ride the anger over ...but ... DO NOT give her hope of a reconciliation if there is none.
That is why it is best to move out.. and maintain contact in a civil and business manner.
DO NOT play the blame game. Be CIVIL about it.
Good luck.
yes, jojob. you hit the issue right on the spot.... i don't know how to break the news to her. i want out.. but i'm afraid of the repercussions.
the only different i think of us with other common couples is she don't want to talk it out. she just want it her way. she recognised her sis was in depression and seek help for her...yet she is so blinded to my depression when i've the same symptoms as her sis. i just don't know why she is so in denial of our situation and i'm unable to talk to her.
anyway, i don't want to make it sound like self-pitying or blaming her. i'm just frustrated and tired. that's all.
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u slip into depression but u have to step out of it... this alone should give u an indication how much work and effort u have to put in if u truly want a happier life.
start somewhr.... 1st, move out... give both of u time and space to evaluate the situation. and IF she still deny the fact there's issue in the marriage AFTER u move out, i think u can just mail her the seperation papers...
and please, not everyone is 'luckier' than u
the worse thing u can ever do is have a pity part (cos no one will be attending, not me at least)... -
Originally posted by Kyutake:
Before you even got married you should have long asked her and yourself. Were you even ready to accept her as a whole and embrace her flaws? She is a perfectionist and you a soft spoken compromising fella. A balanced combination but your time bomb ticking to explode. It will always takes two hands to clap, ask yourself, What is it you did that let her face such insecurities?
I can't offer much advice but only one which is to ask yourself why did you marry her even in the first place? seek that emotion, think of the happier times, talk to her more, show her more attention you do not just stop and do nothing. You stop and you move it on!
The way you placed your thread only dwells in your self pity. My dear fellow i feel for you and i understand that pain. But have you seriously asked and think real hard without hating her, on what part did you done wrong or you have lacked after marrying her?
Hope i woke you up a little, love touches once and last a lifetime.. Someone taught me that once and it was a regret that woke me up and treasure my next and i hope it will ring a bell for you too.
hi Kyutake, to ans ur qns.
1. no i didn't embrace all her flaws. i didn't know all her flaws. i did try to embrace them (as you call it..but i think it's more like compromise) during our marriage but certain flaws are just too hard to embrace from my experience. guess what? i'm a perfectionist too...so i've this idealist concept that i should 'embrace my partner all flaws' since i loved her....it only make things worse as i found out...
2. i didn't know about her insecurity or didn't recognise it. i guess there were signs even before our marriage...but i didn't recognise it. it was only when i talked to a psychologist that i knew about it. (this may sound like pushing the blame...) i didn't do anything to cause her insecurity, she was like this even before marriage....or maybe i did wrong by not trying hard enough to fix her insecurity.
3. i've been asked this qns many times - why did i marry her in the first place? it just get "blurrer" and unconvincing and stupid each time i ans.
4. i'm sorry but there is no happier time....or it just hard for me to recall them now in my condition. maybe along time ago before we got married....when we just know each other.
5. is it always i did wrong b'cos i want out first? (just a qns). anyway, what did i do wrong? hmmm...not being strong when she throw her temper? not recognising her insecure behaviour? always the one compromising even though i sometime don't like it...like a hypocrite? avoiding conflicts? controlling my temper too well?
one thing to clarify - i don't hate her. i just feel empty, lifeless, hopeless, guilty and tired. that's all.
did you wake up me alittle? no, i asked myself these qns over and over in my head for countless nights.
a few of you said i still love her...maybe..or maybe it's just i feel gulity and responsible. i don't know. should i continue to love her and 'embrace' her flaws?
Kyutake - will you continue to embrace your spouse flaw for lifetime if his/her flaw is to always critizing you, puching & kicking you? i think you will since you love him/her. just my thought.
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Originally posted by tare:
u slip into depression but u have to step out of it... this alone should give u an indication how much work and effort u have to put in if u truly want a happier life.
start somewhr.... 1st, move out... give both of u time and space to evaluate the situation. and IF she still deny the fact there's issue in the marriage AFTER u move out, i think u can just mail her the seperation papers...
and please, not everyone is 'luckier' than u
the worse thing u can ever do is have a
pity part (cos no one will be attending, not me at least)...please don't take my 'luckier than me' comment seriously. it's just depression talk.
i'm not here to self-pity. honestly, i don't like ppl who self-pity too.
moving out is the toughest part b'cos it'll come as a total shock too her. she didn't even know there is a problem with the marriage. okay, she may know something but she is just denying it.
what i hope to do is to somehow let her acknowledge her insecurity...like why is she so 'clingy' to me? why is she so afraid of lack of attention for 15 mins from me? (she keep checking on me every 15 mins when we're at home but not together) why won't she allow me to have female friends? (she is even jealous my insurance agent and hairstyler are female) why is she so controlling? (she hide her insecure by flaring up easily and critizing others, making others feel small. i'm not saying me but others too), etc.
maybe there is some kind of social group that let women talk about such thing?
once, she acknowledge her problem and seek help. then maybe i can talk to her about the separation, move out and see where we go from there. maybe during separation, i may find i still love her and she love me..who knows?
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Originally posted by Fantagf:
Absolutely agree.
No money issue when they become friends. May be more caring to each other when they become friends.
fantagf, there is no money issue involved even now. she is so controlling that she won't even let us go for tour if she think it's too expensive. guess that's one thing good about her?
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Hey there..
Well, there's this saying about marriage:
In western culture, we marry the person we love.
In eastern culture, we love the person we marry.
I find it very true. There's ups and downs in marriage. Well maybe what you're facing now is the "downs" time of the marriage. And again, the elderly always say that after the first year of two of marriage, after the "honeymoon" phase is over, you'll find that marriage is not only about love but also about commitment. So please be strong, don't give up on your marriage. Well, maybe u may think that this is so easy for me to say since i'm not married, but i'm just trying to give you my objective view.
My advise is.. please don't keep all the things to yourself. You must speak out, talk in a nice way to her. Let your significant other knows how you feel. You may try to send her email or write a letter if she doesn't want to "talk about it"
Good luck! and be happy! :D
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wat's the pt of making her recognize her fault and seek help for it, when u oledi decided you won't be thr for her to give her a 2nd chance? so that u feel 'less guilty'?
since she's in denial, tat's exactly why u have to move out... if years of trying to talk to her won't help, u can't just sit thr and wait for a miracle... if u keep doing the same thing, u'll get the same result... it's madness to expect a different result when u r doing the same thing (keeping numb abt things)....
it will definitely be shocking but it might well be this shock tat will shake her out of denial and face the issue with u...
frankly, it's not all her fault.... for years, u keep quiet and do nothing abt her insecurity... the more insecure a woman is, the more assurance her man must give her... not just keep quiet and 'compromise' until after years of "tahaning", u decide it's enuff and u want out, and yet w/o being the 'bad guy'...
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Actually you already have your answer in your heart liao.You just scared she cannot take the blow nia.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
yes, jojob. you hit the issue right on the spot.... i don't know how to break the news to her. i want out.. but i'm afraid of the repercussions.
the only different i think of us with other common couples is she don't want to talk it out. she just want it her way. she recognised her sis was in depression and seek help for her...yet she is so blinded to my depression when i've the same symptoms as her sis. i just don't know why she is so in denial of our situation and i'm unable to talk to her.
anyway, i don't want to make it sound like self-pitying or blaming her. i'm just frustrated and tired. that's all.
Grey,
I think you are being unfair to her with regards to recognizing your depression.
Did you inform her , that you are sufferring from clinical depression ?
If you are expecting her to KNOW... based on the symptoms.. you are setting her up for failure.
Her sis and her.. they knew each other since they were born.. and women tends to share their personal feelings freely between females.. and if your wife and her sis are very close.. it is not surprising that your wife is aware of her condition.
I went into depression when one of my very close kin passed away.. apart from my constant bad temper and negative outlook on everything.. nobody knew I was suffering from depression...because I never cry .. not a drop of tear.
I only start seeking help MYSELF.. when I realized something was seriously wrong...because I stopped smiling.
Remove yourself out of the toxic environment.. you must seek inner peace.. elsewhere...
I suggest you inform your wife of your depression.. and seek some personal space away from the source of your unhappiness.. you need to start the healing process.
With regards to how you break the news to her.. I don't know ... if you are actually afraid of hurting her feelings.. or are you merely afraid of her physically hurting herself ?
When you commence emotional withdrawal.. you have initiated the process of killing her feelings.So I doubt you are worried about this part.
If it is just physical hurt you are afraid that she will inflict on herself.. then it is best .. you have one of her close family nearby when you break the news to her. Then step aside.. do not try to restrain her.. leave the restraining to her family member... then walk away.
Because if YOU try to restrain her yourself.. it will give her the wrong signal.. that you still care...and her drama might still work . So do not send her a confusing signal. Woman at this stage will strain their eyes to look for the tiniest sliver of possibility that you still want her back. So you need to let her go completely.. so that she may start healing too.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
hi Kyutake, to ans ur qns.
1. no i didn't embrace all her flaws. i didn't know all her flaws. i did try to embrace them (as you call it..but i think it's more like compromise) during our marriage but certain flaws are just too hard to embrace from my experience. guess what? i'm a perfectionist too...so i've this idealist concept that i should 'embrace my partner all flaws' since i loved her....it only make things worse as i found out...
2. i didn't know about her insecurity or didn't recognise it. i guess there were signs even before our marriage...but i didn't recognise it. it was only when i talked to a psychologist that i knew about it. (this may sound like pushing the blame...) i didn't do anything to cause her insecurity, she was like this even before marriage....or maybe i did wrong by not trying hard enough to fix her insecurity.
3. i've been asked this qns many times - why did i marry her in the first place? it just get "blurrer" and unconvincing and stupid each time i ans.
4. i'm sorry but there is no happier time....or it just hard for me to recall them now in my condition. maybe along time ago before we got married....when we just know each other.
5. is it always i did wrong b'cos i want out first? (just a qns). anyway, what did i do wrong? hmmm...not being strong when she throw her temper? not recognising her insecure behaviour? always the one compromising even though i sometime don't like it...like a hypocrite? avoiding conflicts? controlling my temper too well?
one thing to clarify - i don't hate her. i just feel empty, lifeless, hopeless, guilty and tired. that's all.
did you wake up me alittle? no, i asked myself these qns over and over in my head for countless nights.
a few of you said i still love her...maybe..or maybe it's just i feel gulity and responsible. i don't know. should i continue to love her and 'embrace' her flaws?
Kyutake - will you continue to embrace your spouse flaw for lifetime if his/her flaw is to always critizing you, puching & kicking you? i think you will since you love him/her. just my thought.
A good marriage is one that has more pros than cons.
Yes we all agree.. that when you love that person.. and you marry her.. you need to "take the good with the bad".
But in Order for the marriage to WORK.. there must be some or more redeeming factors for one to be able to overlook the bad.
But when you have a situation.. that the bad over shadows the good.. then the marriage is destined to fail.
Many of us.. thinks that .. oh if he loves me .. he must accept my every flaw.. WRONG.
Example ...If you are a bitch.. and you don't quit being one.. soon.. your bitchiness will erode all the good stuff he sees in you before. Then what is there for him to love anymore ????
That is why.. it is important for married couple to constantly look within themselves to bring out the best of their own personality . So that each remains attractive to one another.
Saying that flaws must be embraced is an excuse.. you don't expect your spouse to embrace your flaws.... if you have nothing worth embracing in the first place.
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Originally posted by Ms.shells:
Hey there..
Well, there's this saying about marriage:
In western culture, we marry the person we love.
In eastern culture, we love the person we marry.
I find it very true. There's ups and downs in marriage. Well maybe what you're facing now is the "downs" time of the marriage. And again, the elderly always say that after the first year of two of marriage, after the "honeymoon" phase is over, you'll find that marriage is not only about love but also about commitment. So please be strong, don't give up on your marriage. Well, maybe u may think that this is so easy for me to say since i'm not married, but i'm just trying to give you my objective view.
My advise is.. please don't keep all the things to yourself. You must speak out, talk in a nice way to her. Let your significant other knows how you feel. You may try to send her email or write a letter if she doesn't want to "talk about it"
Good luck! and be happy! :D
i totally agreed with u about commitment and speaking out and be strong (although i was not)....give and take, etc. i've to say your view is still very ideal or stereotype?
let's assume you're in my shoe...and look at it objectively?
1. i guess most couple will have their 'honeymoon' period. what happen if yours don't? that your spouse start finding faults almost the day after marriage? how will you deal with that?
2. and so after for the sake of love, you committed 2 yrs to correct your 'faults'. you're now almost 'faultless' (almost). you spouse now have a hard time to find your fault. is this good? what about her faults? do you point them out? what if he deny them? or don't want to change saying you should 'embrace the flaws'?
3. now 3rd & 4th yrs, no more fault for him to catch but your spouse now start to control your routine. no going out with boy friends or colleagues, no talking to them either (rubbish), no going out with friends if possible. even if you need to, call every 30 mins. no late night out, back before 9pm. no wasting money on your hobbies, etc, etc. do you also commit to these? i guess you'll talk it out, reason it out with him. he don't want to listen to you, just want you to listen to him. you wrote him a letter, he flare up and scold or hit you..saying you're trying to be funny. what can you do?
i won't go on...otherwise, ppl say i keep hubbing about my past. think about it.
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The question u need to ask yourself is whether there is any place u can stand in yourself and look at all that's happening around without freaking out, where u can be quiet enough to hear your predicament, and can begin to find ways of acting that are at least not contributing to further destabilization.
The centre and the circumference of a circle is one, one who is centred responds, one trapped on the circumference - always , always reacts. Response - the locus of control is within u, reaction - the locus of control is outer.
This is the predicament of today's so-called love in ...... the parable below is expansive!
One celebrates love or suffers love? The parable of Narcissus: he had fallen in love with himself. Looking into a silent pool of water, he fell in love with his own reflection.
The difference is this: one who loves himself does not love his reflection, he simply loves himself. No mirror is needed; he knows himself from inwards. Don’t you know yourself, that you are? Do you need a proof that you are? Do you need a mirror to prove that you exist? If there were no mirror, would you become suspicious of your existence?
Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection - not with himself. That is not true self-love. He fell in love with the reflection; the reflection is the other. He had become two, he was split. Narcissus was split. He was in a kind of schizophrenia. He had become two - the lover and the loved. He had become his own object of love - and that’s what happens to so many people who think they are in love n loving another.
This is narcissism not love. The man becomes the silent pool and reflects the woman, and the woman becomes the silent pool and reflects the man; in fact not only reflects the truth, but decorates it with praises and flattery, in a thousand and one ways makes it look more and more beautiful. This is what people call love. This is not love - this is mutual ego-satisfaction. Real love know nothing of the ego. Real love starts first as self-love. Naturally, you have this body, this being, you are rooted in it. And there is no question of pride or ego because you are not comparing yourself with anybody. Ego comes only with comparison. Self-love knows no comparison - you are you, that’s all that matters. You don't say that somebody else is inferior to you; in fact, u dont compare at all. Whenever comparison comes, know well it is not love; but a subtle creeping in of the ego. So, whenever there is comparison, it is egoistic love . It is narcissism. Whenever there is no comparison, remember, it is love, whether of oneself or the other. In real love there is no division. Two lovers melt into each other. In egoistical love there is great split, the division of the lover and the loved. In real love there is no relationship. In real love there is no relationship, because there are not two persons to be related to. In real love there is only love, a melting, a merging of two. Only in egoistic love are there two persons, the lover and the loved. And whenever there is the lover and the loved, love disappears. Whenever there is love, the lover and the other, both disappear into love.
Love - one who loves out of duty. obligation and responsiblity - is on an ego trip.
Real love shares and shares what is inner, the rest is immaterial.
Many marriages suffer cos - it is lack of love and lack of friendship.
Greymeow,
From a conventional perspective - it would seem u are a' failure', but dont forget - at the end of the day when all is said and done - u are u , and u are here to be u, not a replica or a shadow of someone or some fixed ideas that has been imparted to by so-called do-gooders.
PS - my own experience is this - those who profess , proclaim love - are not only loving and kind towards their own (eg, spouse, children ...) but to all and sundry. That is real love, cos he/she she is so rich on the inside - he/she is able to share. Real love gives and whether it comes back or not is unimportant - when one expects to be rewarded or has expectations - then its a bargain, beggarly love is a curse, love that is rich - a benediction
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Grey,
I think you are being unfair to her with regards to recognizing your depression.
Did you inform her , that you are sufferring from clinical depression ?
If you are expecting her to KNOW... based on the symptoms.. you are setting her up for failure.
Her sis and her.. they knew each other since they were born.. and women tends to share their personal feelings freely between females.. and if your wife and her sis are very close.. it is not surprising that your wife is aware of her condition.
I went into depression when one of my very close kin passed away.. apart from my constant bad temper and negative outlook on everything.. nobody knew I was suffering from depression...because I never cry .. not a drop of tear.
I only start seeking help MYSELF.. when I realized something was seriously wrong...because I stopped smiling.
Remove yourself out of the toxic environment.. you must seek inner peace.. elsewhere...
I suggest you inform your wife of your depression.. and seek some personal space away from the source of your unhappiness.. you need to start the healing process.
With regards to how you break the news to her.. I don't know ... if you are actually afraid of hurting her feelings.. or are you merely afraid of her physically hurting herself ?
When you commence emotional withdrawal.. you have initiated the process of killing her feelings.So I doubt you are worried about this part.
If it is just physical hurt you are afraid that she will inflict on herself.. then it is best .. you have one of her close family nearby when you break the news to her. Then step aside.. do not try to restrain her.. leave the restraining to her family member... then walk away.
Because if YOU try to restrain her yourself.. it will give her the wrong signal.. that you still care...and her drama might still work . So do not send her a confusing signal. Woman at this stage will strain their eyes to look for the tiniest sliver of possibility that you still want her back. So you need to let her go completely.. so that she may start healing too.
you're right. i didn't think about it in this way...that i was unfair with regards to her recognizing my depression. my apologies. i guess i've to find an opportunity to break the news to her.
well....yes, i'm afraid of hurting her feelings and her family's feelings too. her family have high expectations of us..that we'll give them a baby soon. it's going to be very hard and shocking for all of them. i doubt her family will let me leave after i break the news to them. her mum is the same 'controlling' type. she'll want me to 'work it out' with my wife immediately.
my wife and her mum are not in good term. they often quarrel b'cos both want to be controlling. her mum will sure to criticize her and make her 'small' the moment i break the news. she is her dad fav daughter, so her dad will sure to kill me....if not, question and persuade me not to do it.
it'll be history repeating itself when her uncle (her mum's bro) wife divorced him. every single members incl. the relatives cursed and blamed the woman for leaving her uncle as if there is no fault from her uncle.
i must say i very dread doing what you suggested. i really feel very bad to say it but i don't think i can handle that situation.
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Originally posted by tare:
wat's the pt of making her recognize her fault and seek help for it, when u oledi decided you won't be thr for her to give her a 2nd chance? so that u feel 'less guilty'?
since she's in denial, tat's exactly why u have to move out... if years of trying to talk to her won't help, u can't just sit thr and wait for a miracle... if u keep doing the same thing, u'll get the same result... it's madness to expect a different result when u r doing the same thing (keeping numb abt things)....
it will definitely be shocking but it might well be this shock tat will shake her out of denial and face the issue with u...
frankly, it's not all her fault.... for years, u keep quiet and do nothing abt her insecurity... the more insecure a woman is, the more assurance her man must give her... not just keep quiet and 'compromise' until after years of "tahaning", u decide it's enuff and u want out, and yet w/o being the 'bad guy'...
yes, you're right. i do admit it's not all her fault. and no, i'm not trying to make myself less gulity. i was just thinking maybe it's easier for her to accept if she acknowledge her insecure. also, after that, she still have her family and relative to deal with...(although that's her prob)