Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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Marriage without love cannot survive.
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marriage without money also cannot survive for modern char bor
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not only money is needed in marriage, money is needed as long as u live on earth
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Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:
She thinks that if no baby = you no love her.
All the reactions given by her are signs. :)
greymeow: "yes, i don't love her...unfortunately, she is not accepting it well and keep holding on to the relationship."
From what u say, I think she still loves u.
sorry if i'm wrong. Hav u fallen for someone else and no longer want to work on the marriage? If so, let her know the truth. I guess it's worst for her to have a 'hubby' without luv. Be honest and fair to work out a mutually agreeable solution (at least a compromise) on the legal matter. Afterall, you both were once deeply in luv to get into this marriage?
No offence.
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Originally posted by Fantagf:
not only money is needed in marriage, money is needed as long as u live on earth
a good marriage is like a tasty delicacy with all the right ingredients (love,money,sex and more sex ...etc) otherwise can still eat but no shiok oreddy and start listening to country western music or songs by Micheal learns to Rock. -
I guess after 9 pages, my conclusion from TS's predictment, a mismatched of expectations and needs which is not discovered during the courtship years.
Both is at fault, one is being nice and bend over to accommodate the whims and fancy of the other, the other is getting so used to winning each and every argument and fight, the other does not know what is giving back. After 7 years of bending backwards for the better peace, the back is hurting and one wants a way out but he soon discover that he no longer have a backbone. Also, love has become a responsibility and being a man, one does not want to be irresponsible and can't live with the potential burden of causing the death of the other (suicide).
In such situations, any small matters will become a big issue. The only thing I can suggest, break the whole issue into smaller chunks and try to manage it one by one for the ultimate outcome.
Also, if one can't break up with the other, why not try to be patient and let the other to suggest a break up? There are ways, depends on how strong one is.
PM me if you want to talk further.
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Love shares, love appreciates, its the fragrance of one's being - what is one being?- needy? being kind? being love? being possessive, being generous, ...so on so forth... or piling up expectations? The predicament of today's love is that it is needs, fears of loss, expectations masquerading as love, till that is unresolved/reconsiled within ONESELF - it matters not wheter one is married or unmarried - the melodrama/psychodrama will persist.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.
i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me. also,
i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).
so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.
i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.
by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.
by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.
however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.
This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.
also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.
Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.
Why? I will break down the following:
(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce
(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.
(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.
(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.
(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.
An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:
i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)
ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)
iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).
(6) Your result is therefore status quo.
***
Your situation is worsen by two facts:(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.
(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:
Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)
Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)
Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)
Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)
Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.
Scold > Submit (anything)
Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)
Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:
Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.
Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long enough to initiate a change that you seek.
Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.
***
You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores. Think about it.
Cheers
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?
You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.
Why? I will break down the following:
(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce
(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.
(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.
(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.
(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.
An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:
i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)
ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)
iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).
(6) Your result is therefore status quo.
***
Your situation is worsen by two facts:(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.
(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:
Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)
Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)
Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)
Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)
Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.
Scold > Submit (anything)
Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)
Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:
Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.
Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long enough to initiate a change that you seek.
Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.
***
You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores.Think about it.
Cheers
wah.
ur posts always so li hai!
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Within u - there is a box - invisible to the mind, the heart resonates of what is inside that box! Only snag is whether u have the courage or the lack of it - to acknowledge it, or even act on it - otherwise, u can listen to me , or to anyone here, leave/stay in the marriage, run away, but you are still going to come up short - cos what is inner is essentially what u are. Ripples on the surface is personality, plunge deep within - ur individuality is there. In a silent lake - one can see both!!! Courage is born out of self- love, not 'other'-love ('other'-love is eg, a job, a friend, psychologist,religion ... one can add on ) these are props holding you up, remove them or when you lose them - u collapse, however, what u create within u and emanates from you always stays, growing old is always outside, growing UP is within - its inner security,maturing process. I have not elaborated much n merely given u are foreglimpse - cos its 'works' only when one is willing to go 'in' for answers. Its a risk and dangerous one at that.
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before we talk about your marriage, can I ask you something,
Are you willing to change your life?
Saying and dreaming about it is very easy but doing it is another serious step for you.
If all you do is just plain talk why borther to ask anyone for more advices?
Is a serious waste for time for everyone.
IF you want to change then act on it.
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Originally posted by Yunhaier: if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose
sight of the shores.
deep. jia you TS!
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most men do not survive from marriage
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Hi there If she really loves you she will not wants you to be her perfect match. If there is no love in a marriage, sex will not be in the picture. She maybe holding you back out of her own selfishness. Most important you ask yourself- Do you still love her or wanted to try to rekindle the first love? Or is there someone else in your life now? Or you are merely sticking on with her .... because of responsibility or because your religion told you not to divorce your wife? Whatever it is just make your own decision and set your mind clear, all advices given to you are just a guide line. So think carefully.
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Hi there If she really loves you she will not wants you to be her perfect match. If there is no love in a marriage, sex will not be in the picture. She maybe holding you back out of her own selfishness. Most important you ask yourself- Do you still love her or wanted to try to rekindle the first love? Or is there someone else in your life now? Or you are merely sticking on with her .... because of responsibility or because your religion told you not to divorce your wife? Whatever it is just make your own decision and set your mind clear, all advices given to you are just a guide line. So think carefully.
-
Originally posted by Yunhaier: Why even bother having to analysis so
much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?
You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.
Why? I will break down the following:
(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce
(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.
(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.
(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.
(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.
An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:
i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)
ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)
iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).
(6) Your result is therefore status quo.
***
Your situation is worsen by two facts:(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.
(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:
Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)
Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)
Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)
Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)
Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.
Scold > Submit (anything)
Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)
Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:
Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.
Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long enough to initiate a change that you seek.
Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.
***
You have too much considerations -
if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose
sight of the shores.Think about it.
Cheers
Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.
All,
I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.
Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.
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marriage is scary
women docile b4 marriage
after marriage, everything into their control
Seems like she is those possessive type.
A divorce is to the male's disadvantage. Have to give alimony half of ur fortunes etc...
I suggest u negotiate with her to live seperate lives for a while (Maybe for half a yr or a yr) and use this period to re evaluate what is the purpose of u two getting together.
Having kids is the last thing u should have bec the kid would only suffer if u two gets divorce eventually.
reminds me of seperate lives by phil collin
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y she wan marry u huh?
den y u wan marry her?
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I will honestly advice u to get a divorce cause U are suffering! U tried to make everything meet but u still fail to. Husband and Wife should tolerate each other, understand each other, love each other no matter what. But in ur case NONE seems to appear recently I think divorce is an great option!
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.
All,
I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.
Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.
Oh boy.. you remind me of LHL and HC :P
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Originally posted by Hello Kitty:
y she wan marry u huh?
den y u wan marry her?
Unfortunately a lot of people forgotten about this 2 simple questions after many years have passed.
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Originally posted by ---Max---:
I will honestly advice u to get a divorce cause U are suffering! U tried to make everything meet but u still fail to. Husband and Wife should tolerate each other, understand each other, love each other no matter what. But in ur case NONE seems to appear recently I think divorce is an great option!
Many couples would have divorced if not for their children.
Divorce is only a 'great' way to introduce a broken family to the children.
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Two beggars with bowls begging and feeding off each other - that is the reality of both husband and wife here. The reasons, the suppositions - all of it self-delusion.
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perhaps ts needs to talk it out to help him destress
but that is all a forum can do. tak in comments, give personal opinions.
the rest is still up to TS.
Thing is I truly hope by posting, this helps him gets some things off his chest.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.
All,
I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.
Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.
So what if I have capture your fear? But you have capture none of my meaning.I will quote your words and share with you a story:
Originally posted by GreyMeow:
[Quote] Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.[/Quote]
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There was once in a meeting - one marketing manager was arguing with the finance advocate. "Hey look, I need the money to run my campaign"
"How can you expect me to give you the budget if you don't show me the result?"
The marketing manager got pissed. Ane he retorted:
"How do you expect any results if you don't approve my budget?"
And the argument continues with no conclusion from both end.
***
Chicken and egg issues.There is no such thing as complete immunity - there's only firm decision in doing what you want to do and to stick with it vehemently. To decide that you will only move if you have full protection gear, immunity, vaccine jab against H1N1, defensive equipments, body guards and absolute clear weather - you will never be able to move at all.
If you don't learn to make decision, then be prepare to stay in for another seven years.
Cheers