How can I make my hubby love me more?
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Originally posted by Midlusionz:
Where's your viet bride?
i only eat local dish, thank you. -
Like u never post that thread b4
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Originally posted by Nikar 3:
i only eat local dish, thank you.
You treat women as dish? -
Originally posted by Midlusionz:
Like u never post that thread b4
You mean this? -
Originally posted by Kutter:
You mean this?awwww
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Originally posted by Midlusionz:
awwww
Stop moaning ........ did I hurt you? -
Originally posted by Kutter:
You treat women as dish?
it's just an analogy, dude!
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Originally posted by Kutter:
Stop moaning ........ did I hurt you?U wan me to moan? o.o
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Originally posted by Midlusionz:
U wan me to moan? o.o
Why not 18/f
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Originally posted by Kutter:
Why not 18/f
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We are way too off the topic. Dear TS, I apologize.
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Pls stick to the topic, thanks!
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
IMHO, the 'practical convenience' thing is an excuse.
You need to see the disconnect here. The disconnect is between (i) being work obsesssed; and (ii) sleeping on couch. The two are completely unrelated.
I do not understand the 'practical convenience'. Is it troublesome to walk into the master bedroom and enjoy bed linen, soft pillow, and warm flesh of his wife beside him?
I fully agree with you. It is just an excuse. You know it is a disconnect and is wrong. I did it before, and know now it was wrong. The problem is, does TheMissus's hubby know it is wrong and selfish?
No, he wouldnt. Like me, all I care about then was achieving my goals. I was dead focussed on an objective. Food, sleep, love, etc, everything else matters nothing in my thick and stubborn headed, (and with much regre nowt,) and foolish perceptions, which in the end helped me succeed in my career, but at what cost to my social life, and more critically, to those who cared and loved me?.
He will not listen to anyone, because he believes in himself, for he knows he will succeed achievement in his goals, as he had succeeded before. Nothing else matters. That's how driven some men and women can be.
The thing is, in order to help TS, it is not just telling what is right or wrong, what TS should do or not do, but rather how what we know and suffered before can be communicated to the hubby.
I am under no illusion that he would take kindly to any advice. Thick headed, stubborn and driven people like me...sadly need to bang their heads against the wall..to know what really matters in life....
But if the TS can be patient, and understand her hubby, perhaps, just perhaps, things may work out, I dont know..but its her choice. She is no superwoman. Or need to be one. She is only human, to have love reciprocated and be treasured as she cherished her hubby...
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TheMissus, could we know what line of work your hubby is in? It sounds like an extremely overwhelming job. investment banking? I've not heard of any other job which requires one to be on-duty almost 24 hrs a day (10 pm emails?!) Perhaps we could view things in better context if we understood his line of work and his motivations, which you have claimed is the central problem in your marriage. Some types of jobs are just that demanding.
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Originally posted by Passthepython:
TheMissus, could we know what line of work your hubby is in? It sounds like an extremely overwhelming job. investment banking? I've not heard of any other job which requires one to be on-duty almost 24 hrs a day (10 pm emails?!) Perhaps we could view things in better context if we understood his line of work and his motivations, which you have claimed is the central problem in your marriage. Some types of jobs are just that demanding.
wah, you're really smart.........and picked up a point most of us have missed out!!!!!!
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I fully agree with you. It is just an excuse. You know it is a disconnect and is wrong. I did it before, and know now it was wrong. The problem is, does TheMissus's hubby know it is wrong and selfish?
No, he wouldnt. Like me, all I care about then was achieving my goals. I was dead focussed on an objective. Food, sleep, love, etc, everything else matters nothing in my thick and stubborn headed, (and with much regre nowt,) and foolish perceptions, which in the end helped me succeed in my career, but at what cost to my social life, and more critically, to those who cared and loved me?.
He will not listen to anyone, because he believes in himself, for he knows he will succeed achievement in his goals, as he had succeeded before. Nothing else matters. That's how driven some men and women can be.
The thing is, in order to help TS, it is not just telling what is right or wrong, what TS should do or not do, but rather how what we know and suffered before can be communicated to the hubby.
I am under no illusion that he would take kindly to any advice. Thick headed, stubborn and driven people like me...sadly need to bang their heads against the wall..to know what really matters in life....
But if the TS can be patient, and understand her hubby, perhaps, just perhaps, things may work out, I dont know..but its her choice. She is no superwoman. Or need to be one. She is only human, to have love reciprocated and be treasured as she cherished her hubby...
Indeed, xtreyier's highlighted the dilemma within that's bugging so many. There is a disconnect that so many esp artspraken cannot fathom or reconcile.
BUT this is just the character of such men. Why would I fabricate this, or why would my husband time and again maintain this, I know full well after stalking his emails and sms-es that he's not cheating on me, and i know full well how crazy he is about work now by looking at the intensity and time that he's committed to it, i mean i see it with my own eyes everyday. There is a disconnect and xtreyier seems to know this now, and my hubby may or may not even be conscious of the 'disconnect' of divorcing himself from anything besides his work, nothing else not even proper food, sleep or leisure matters. quote xtreyier "I care about then was achieving my goals. I was dead focussed on an objective. Food, sleep, love, etc, everything else matters nothing in my thick and stubborn headed, (and with much regre nowt,) and foolish perceptions, which in the end helped me succeed in my career, but at what cost to my social life, and more critically, to those who cared and loved me?."
perhaps I can share a personal statement my hubby had written to his mentor 3 years ago. I have edited bits of it that would reveal where he works.
Dear xxx,
As with many things in life, achieving the right balance is the key. The
same can be said about my personal traits - whether a certain character
can be attributed as my strength or weakness depends on the way I apply
and exploit that attribute, i.e. whether I can achieve the right
balance.
Awareness is one of my strengths. I am conscious of my own actions,
behaviour, decisions and attributes, i.e. self awarness. I constantly
reflect on what I do, be it my performance at work or my dealings with
other people. There is a part of myself that can remain detached and
assess a situation objectively, but whether or not I listen to that part
of myself is a separate issue. I try to change and improve after each
self-reflection and become more wary of potential pitfalls or try to
avoid making the same mistakes. I am also a keen observer of my
surroundings, especially the workings of interpersonal relationships of
people around me. Having being an attached officer on so many
occassions, I have had the opportunity to observe my colleagues and work
place from a third-person point of view and have gained meaningful
insights on personnels of different rungs of XXX and the
workings/intricacies of various departments. However, this awareess can
sometimes turn on me and become a weakness in that I become too
self-conscious - too worried or caught up in what other people think of
me, and constantly second-guessing my own actions. Sometimes, I find
that I cannot be myself but instead try too hard to be someone aggreable
to other people.
I am fiercely passionate about all my endeavours. I am totally committed
and give a hundred percent effort, be it my work in the XXX, my research in XXX or running. I set myself a goal and will work towards it almost with a blind determination.Because of this, sometimes I can get too consumed by achieving my aims that I neglect other aspects of what I'm doing, or offend a few people along the way. Most of the time I am aware that I am doing this but I find ways to justify it.
Being passionate about my own work sometimes give people the impression
that I am self-centered because all my efforts and everything I do are
geared towards myself. This is probably a fair criticism and I am
working to change that.
I am decisive and not afraid to make tough decisions. I can analyse the
situation and the facts systematically and rapidly and make a quick
decision when the situation calls for it. I am also pragmatic in my
decision making - I am fine with whatever gets the job done and not too
caught up with the minor details if they do not compromise my
objectives. I am also willing to take responsibility for my decisions if
they turn out to be wrong and fix them accordingly. Because of this,
sometimes I appear callous and insensitive and always wanting things
done my way. I just feel that sometimes there isn't time to set up shop
and have a discussion and somebody needs to take charge. But as much as
possible I try to tone down and have a lower profile unless the
situation calls for it.
Finally, I cannot tolerate mediocracy. If I'm doing something I need to
be really good at it, if not the best. That is how I motivate myself.
This often leads to fustration and self doubt, and sometimes I burn
myself out trying to be the best. If my endeavours involve other people,
they find themselves being 'dragged down' by me in trying to be the
best. -
What's the point of proving to people that your husband is a perfectionist and cannot tolerate mediocracy? Sure that might be a strength according to him but it is not helping to make your relationship with him any better.
There are many who are having this problem but that doesn't mean that this behaviour is alright and should be tolerated. No offense, but he sounds like someone who is so self-centered and so focused on achieving what he wants that he pays no attention to how his actions are hurting the people around him, especially you.
How long can you tolerate being the "mistress" while he has made it clear that his job is now his "first wife"? You need to find out how to cure his obsession towards his work and make him understand that while it is ok for him to be so obsessed when he was single, now he has you in his world and needs to make allowances in order to make sure that you are not neglected.
Sorry if I am too straightforward for your liking but you need to help your husband to get over his obsession not use the obsession as an excuse that makes it alright for him to treat you in this manner...
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I fully agree with you. It is just an excuse. You know it is a disconnect and is wrong. I did it before, and know now it was wrong. The problem is, does TheMissus's hubby know it is wrong and selfish?
No, he wouldnt. Like me, all I care about then was achieving my goals. I was dead focussed on an objective. Food, sleep, love, etc, everything else matters nothing in my thick and stubborn headed, (and with much regre nowt,) and foolish perceptions, which in the end helped me succeed in my career, but at what cost to my social life, and more critically, to those who cared and loved me?.
He will not listen to anyone, because he believes in himself, for he knows he will succeed achievement in his goals, as he had succeeded before. Nothing else matters. That's how driven some men and women can be.
The thing is, in order to help TS, it is not just telling what is right or wrong, what TS should do or not do, but rather how what we know and suffered before can be communicated to the hubby.
I am under no illusion that he would take kindly to any advice. Thick headed, stubborn and driven people like me...sadly need to bang their heads against the wall..to know what really matters in life....
But if the TS can be patient, and understand her hubby, perhaps, just perhaps, things may work out, I dont know..but its her choice. She is no superwoman. Or need to be one. She is only human, to have love reciprocated and be treasured as she cherished her hubby...
xtreyier,
wat caused u to snap out of the funk back then?
if u could look revisit the past, wat do u wish ur partner had done back then?
wat do u think TS can do now to 'wake him up'?
since u are relatively similar in mindset, personality and drive, i think u can provide pointers based on ur first hand experience.
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He already mentioned lor, only after she divorced and left him, he woke up and regretted his actions.
Just hope TS doesn't need to reach this stage in order to make her husband "wake up"...
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Originally posted by rainee:
What's the point of proving to people that your husband is a perfectionist and cannot tolerate mediocracy? Sure that might be a strength according to him but it is not helping to make your relationship with him any better.
There are many who are having this problem but that doesn't mean that this behaviour is alright and should be tolerated. No offense, but he sounds like someone who is so self-centered and so focused on achieving what he wants that he pays no attention to how his actions are hurting the people around him, especially you.
How long can you tolerate being the "mistress" while he has made it clear that his job is now his "first wife"? You need to find out how to cure his obsession towards his work and make him understand that while it is ok for him to be so obsessed when he was single, now he has you in his world and needs to make allowances in order to make sure that you are not neglected.
Sorry if I am too straightforward for your liking but you need to help your husband to get over his obsession not use the obsession as an excuse that makes it alright for him to treat you in this manner...
It does sound harsh, but only personal opinion, i suppose. What you said is right, and is adopted by many modern women. There can be no tolerance, and looking back, i fully agree with you. It is a human life, shared and with responsibility of love given, not just on one side.
But I guess we need not be too harsh. TS is only newly weds on that sacred vow to share life and love for an eternity. They are still young with a whole life ahead of them. There is plenty of time to learn, to share, to give and to take.
Let not another marriage be broken down, as we had seen many collapsed in this modern era. Lets give them our support. TS's husband is a lucky man to have TheMissus as a wife.
All she only wants is to understand her hubby, and love him more despite his ignorance of feelings, which although a flaw, but not a cheating one such as philandeering. It is still not alright most certainlly, but no one is perfect. It takes time for a shared life to gel cohesively, not an immediate confrontation.
Cheers, TheMissus.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
It does sound harsh, but only personal opinion, i suppose. What you said is right, and is adopted by many modern women. There can be no tolerance, and looking back, i fully agree with you. It is a human life, shared and with responsibility of love given, not just on one side.
But I guess we need not be too harsh. TS is only newly weds on that sacred vow to share life and love for an eternity. They are still young with a whole life ahead of them. There is plenty of time to learn, to share, to give and to take.
Let not another marriage be broken down, as we had seen many collapsed in this modern era. Lets give them our support. TS's husband is a lucky man to have TheMissus as a wife.
All she only wants is to understand her hubby, and love him more despite his ignorance of feelings, which although a flaw, but not a cheating one such as philandeering. It is still not alright most certainlly, but no one is perfect. It takes time for a shared life to gel cohesively, not an immediate confrontation.
Cheers, TheMissus.
Of course I don't advocate them to get divorced...I hope they won't reach that stage.
I hope that TS will face the problem and stop using his husband's current personality and behaviour as an excuse that it is ok to neglect her...all of us need to know how to balance our responsibility at work and at home. If the husband is not willing to change, she will need to talk to him and get him help before the problem gets worse.
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Originally posted by rainee:
What's the point of proving to people that your husband is a perfectionist and cannot tolerate mediocracy? Sure that might be a strength according to him but it is not helping to make your relationship with him any better.
There are many who are having this problem but that doesn't mean that this behaviour is alright and should be tolerated. No offense, but he sounds like someone who is so self-centered and so focused on achieving what he wants that he pays no attention to how his actions are hurting the people around him, especially you.
How long can you tolerate being the "mistress" while he has made it clear that his job is now his "first wife"? You need to find out how to cure his obsession towards his work and make him understand that while it is ok for him to be so obsessed when he was single, now he has you in his world and needs to make allowances in order to make sure that you are not neglected.
Sorry if I am too straightforward for your liking but you need to help your husband to get over his obsession not use the obsession as an excuse that makes it alright for him to treat you in this manner...
Yeah no worries, I do not think that it's a justification. i was only 'forced' to stand my ground because some people had stubbornly maintained - with almost deity-like all knowing certainty of the larger universe- that they're aware of all the kind of personality of all men in the world and that there is NO way it's possible for anyone to be career involved or obsessed to this extent, and hence that there is 'more', by that there alleging there is a larger or other issue that is endemic in the marriage that I'm supposed to explore, and also the second consequent allegation that I am "in denial".
I never meant for this character of my husband and the former character of xtrevier as a form of justication for his behaviour. -
Originally posted by soleachip:
xtreyier,
wat caused u to snap out of the funk back then?
if u could look revisit the past, wat do u wish ur partner had done back then?
wat do u think TS can do now to 'wake him up'?
since u are relatively similar in mindset, personality and drive, i think u can provide pointers based on ur first hand experience.
It may seem eerily similar in almost every aspect with regards to me and TS hubby, but I still think that there may be differences. No life is the same, based on situation,circumstances and environments.
Furthermore, I am in NO position to give advice, flawed that I am.
My thickheaded personality accepted no advice in the past, not even from my superiors when i was a young boy, but smart enough to smile but do things differently to achieve better results.
The only way for me to learn was to bang my stubborn head hard on the wall, losing the one I loved whom loved me deeply but was neglected.
But this need not be the way for the TS's hubby to go. The TS seems to be an intelligent, kind hearted and patient lady. Love itself is a miracle, and no person can be immune to its touch.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
It does sound harsh, but only personal opinion, i suppose. What you said is right, and is adopted by many modern women. There can be no tolerance, and looking back, i fully agree with you. It is a human life, shared and with responsibility of love given, not just on one side.
But I guess we need not be too harsh. TS is only newly weds on that sacred vow to share life and love for an eternity. They are still young with a whole life ahead of them. There is plenty of time to learn, to share, to give and to take.
Let not another marriage be broken down, as we had seen many collapsed in this modern era. Lets give them our support. TS's husband is a lucky man to have TheMissus as a wife.
All she only wants is to understand her hubby, and love him more despite his ignorance of feelings, which although a flaw, but not a cheating one such as philandeering. It is still not alright most certainlly, but no one is perfect. It takes time for a shared life to gel cohesively, not an immediate confrontation.
Cheers, TheMissus.
Sobs glad you can understand my heart. There are other women who are going through this, i even know one who's gone through this for over 10 years of marriage (read the example I know the page before)..but she's just soldiering on still.
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Unfortunately, if TS came to this forum only to convince herself of her own stand, that it's because of her husband's obsession with work that her relationship is troubled, then no rational explanation or argument can change her mind. Sure, it could be because of her husband's work. It could also be many other factors - TS herself included as a factor. All of us, including xtreyier, have expressed similarly valid personal opinions and some of us shared personal experiences. For no good reason, TS chooses to acknowledge xtreyier's personal experience over the rest - obviously because it fits in with her point of view. To use her own words, she dismissed all possible reasons "with almost deity-like all knowing certainty of the larger universe" other than the one she started out with. Denial is at work here.
TheMissus, if this makes you happy, then so be it. You've been waiting through 6 pages of posts for someone to provide a "correct" answer, and xtreyier has happened to provide it, and you sound supremely satisfied. Good luck to your marriage.