How can I make my hubby love me more?
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
Yeah no worries, I do not think that it's a justification. i was only 'forced' to stand my ground because some people had stubbornly maintained - with almost deity-like all knowing certainty of the larger universe- that they're aware of all the kind of personality of all men in the world and that there is NO way it's possible for anyone to be career involved or obsessed to this extent, and hence that there is 'more', by that there alleging there is a larger or other issue that is endemic in the marriage that I'm supposed to explore, and also the second consequent allegation that I am "in denial".
I never meant for this character of my husband and the former character of xtrevier as a form of justication for his behaviour.I know there will be guys who can be very obsessed with their careers...and it is good you are not using the fact that there are a lot like him out there to justify that his behaviour is something you must tolerate.
Actually it is more or less up to you. If you think you can accept being ignored day and night, the fact that his job is more important than you...then you can bite the bullet and carry on. But don't think that just by standing by his side silently, he will come to his senses one day. Humans tend to take things for granted and once he thinks you are alright with him ignoring you for the sake of his job, he will continue down this road.
And tolerating this fault of his doesn't really prove that your love is so deep and noble...in fact it will cause the detriment of your marriage and also causes him to break down one day due to overwork...you should help him to become a better person for the benefit of the two of you, not just suffer in silence and hope he will wake up on his own one day...
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Originally posted by Passthepython:
Unfortunately, if TS came to this forum only to convince herself of her own stand, that it's because of her husband's obsession with work that her relationship is troubled, then no rational explanation or argument can change her mind. Sure, it could be because of her husband's work. It could also be many other factors - TS herself included as a factor. All of us, including xtreyier, have expressed similarly valid personal opinions and some of us shared personal experiences. For no good reason, TS chooses to acknowledge xtreyier's personal experience over the rest - obviously because it fits in with her point of view. To use her own words, she dismissed all possible reasons "with almost deity-like all knowing certainty of the larger universe" other than the one she started out with. Denial is at work here.
TheMissus, if this makes you happy, then so be it. You've been waiting through 6 pages of posts for someone to provide a "correct" answer, and xtreyier has happened to provide it, and you sound supremely satisfied. Good luck to your marriage.
I also feel the same way...it is obvious that she already has the solution in her mind even as she is posting...I think she is just seeking reassurances that she is making the correct decision. So as long as we said something which is not in line with what she is thinking of (suffering in silence beside the husband for many years to come), she will reject the possibility...oh well...
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Originally posted by rainee:
I know there will be guys who can be very obsessed with their careers...and it is good you are not using the fact that there are a lot like him out there to justify that his behaviour is something you must tolerate.
Actually it is more or less up to you. If you think you can accept being ignored day and night, the fact that his job is more important than you...then you can bite the bullet and carry on. But don't think that just by standing by his side silently, he will come to his senses one day. Humans tend to take things for granted and once he thinks you are alright with him ignoring you for the sake of his job, he will continue down this road.
And tolerating this fault of his doesn't really prove that your love is so deep and noble...in fact it will cause the detriment of your marriage and also causes him to break down one day due to overwork...you should help him to become a better person for the benefit of the two of you, not just suffer in silence and hope he will wake up on his own one day...
What should i do?? I am at a loss
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Originally posted by Passthepython:
TheMissus, could we know what line of work your hubby is in? It sounds like an extremely overwhelming job. investment banking? I've not heard of any other job which requires one to be on-duty almost 24 hrs a day (10 pm emails?!) Perhaps we could view things in better context if we understood his line of work and his motivations, which you have claimed is the central problem in your marriage. Some types of jobs are just that demanding.
I cannot reveal. It is sensitive. But yes, some types of jobs are just that demanding. And his is one of those.
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Originally posted by Passthepython:
Unfortunately, if TS came to this forum only to convince herself of her own stand, that it's because of her husband's obsession with work that her relationship is troubled, then no rational explanation or argument can change her mind. Sure, it could be because of her husband's work. It could also be many other factors - TS herself included as a factor. All of us, including xtreyier, have expressed similarly valid personal opinions and some of us shared personal experiences. For no good reason, TS chooses to acknowledge xtreyier's personal experience over the rest - obviously because it fits in with her point of view. To use her own words, she dismissed all possible reasons "with almost deity-like all knowing certainty of the larger universe" other than the one she started out with. Denial is at work here.
TheMissus, if this makes you happy, then so be it. You've been waiting through 6 pages of posts for someone to provide a "correct" answer, and xtreyier has happened to provide it, and you sound supremely satisfied. Good luck to your marriage.
I guess love at times defies logic and reason, the way Prince Charles chosed Camelia over Lady Di, King George gave up his kingdom for Mrs Simpson, fat guys with pretty girls, old men with young brides, etc...
And only when you are the one in it, caught up in it, then can you feel its aura. Only those who had been in love, or had known true love before will understand or relate to this. This is not a denial, for love is hope as well.
I doubt if TS accepts just my opinion. She is an intelligent lady and would certainly accepts others opinion taken into consideration too. She only commented and related on mine because of the similarities I had experienced similar to her hubby.
I am glad you wish TS well, and am heartened by the responses. It goes to show our we all still care in this harsh and difficult times.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
What should i do?? I am at a loss
We can't decide for you. Why not go on a holiday on your own, close your eyes and listen to your heart...what do you want to do really? Just take some time to think things through and evaluate all the consequences for all your actions. Then once you have made up your mind, stick to it and be ready to bear all the consequences that will follow.
All the best.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I guess love at times defies logic and reason, the way Prince Charles chosed Camelia over Lady Di, King George gave up his kingdom for Mrs Simpson, fat guys with pretty girls, old men with young brides, etc...
And only when you are the one in it, caught up in it, then can you feel its aura. Only those who had been in love, or had known true love before will understand or relate to this. This is not a denial, for love is hope as well.
I doubt if TS accepts just my opinion. She is an intelligent lady and would certainly accepts others opinion taken into consideration too. She only commented and related on mine because of the similarities I had experienced similar to her hubby.
I am glad you wish TS well, and am heartened by the responses. It goes to show our we all still care in this harsh and difficult times.
For me, love does not mean suffering in silence esp when I see something is destroying my husband and our life together...I will want to help him to become a better person and learn how to manage and balance him time accordingly.
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if it is not a problem, then it need not be tolerated.
it is okay for a man or woman to be obsessed with anything to the extent of oblivion. because everyone has different principles, different goals to seek, different means of attaining wat they seek.
okay fine. granted some humans could care less. they don't need to see/touch/communicate for months on end and their lives and r/s is still problem free. Y? because neither party is deprived. both are okay with that arrangement. hence the union works. they are happy. they live together, exist in a commitment bound by their own standards and definitions.
the problem now is, TS needs more love from husband. and he has no time/ability/whatever to give her more for now.
so she has choice A, option B, life C, resolution D... there is no definite way to solve the problem, possibilities are endless. yes it doesn't matter.
but she needs to take it upon herself to make a change. not place her own happiness onto the hands of her husband.
y wait for him to respond, wake up, give her more love or provide more happiness?
y not look to the future with reality in mind?
everything is in her own hands. not in the hands of god, his work, his mindset.
in life, wat she want, must match wat she choose.
proceed knowingly. not hopefully. not passively.
btw i don't get it. y is infidelity in the picture? it's irrelevant.
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Originally posted by rainee:
For me, love does not mean suffering in silence esp when I see something is destroying my husband and our life together...I will want to help him to become a better person and learn how to manage and balance him time accordingly.
I agree, but it's not like the change will occur tomorrow after a confrontation today, sadly a fact unacknowledged by our instant gratification generation in this modern era.
It takes time and patience, but the gentle will must be there, not with tantrums but using indirect subtle methods to achieve a better result.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
if it is not a problem, then it need not be tolerated.
it is okay for a man or woman to be obsessed with anything to the extent of oblivion. because everyone has different principles, different goals to seek, different means of attaining wat they seek.
okay fine. granted some humans could care less. they don't need to see/touch/communicate for months on end and their lives and r/s is still problem free. Y? because neither party is deprived. both are okay with that arrangement. hence the union works. they are happy. they live together, exist in a commitment bound by their own standards and definitions.
the problem now is, TS needs more love from husband. and he has no time/ability/whatever to give her more for now.
so she has choice A, option B, life C, resolution D... there is no definite way to solve the problem, possibilities are endless. yes it doesn't matter.
but she needs to take it upon herself to make a change. not place her own happiness onto the hands of her husband.
y wait for him to respond, wake up, give her more love or provide more happiness?
y not look to the future with reality in mind?
everything is in her own hands. not in the hands of god, his work, his mindset.
in life, wat she want, must match wat she choose.
proceed knowingly. not hopefully. not passively.
btw i don't get it. y is infidelity in the picture? it's irrelevant.
I see what you mean..so you're saying (with a lot of truth) that my problem will cease to be a problem the moment I can alter my expectations. The problem now lies in my feeling my expectations are not met. If I manage my expectations, the problem is solved. Like you said there are couples who do not meet or talk for months on end and they are happy with the arrangement. I will work on that.. its strange but I have never thought of this before.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I agree, but it's not like the change will occur tomorrow after a confrontation today, sadly a fact unacknowledged by our instant gratification generation in this modern era.
It takes time and patience, but the gentle will must be there, not with tantrums but using indirect subtle methods to achieve a better result.
Of course the result won't appear right after the confrontation but there must be some effort made to get it across to the husband that hey, something is not right, we need to talk about it now. From what we have read so far is TS is more interested in letting things be and modifying her own expectations so that the husband can continue to be obsessed with his work and she will continue to be neglected ("If I manage my expectations, the problem is solved. Like you said there are couples who do not meet or talk for months on end and they are happy with the arrangement. I will work on that.")
But like what I have said before: it's her life, it's her choice. If she thinks she will be happy with someone who refuses to even spend some time to accompany her, then so be it. I just happen to think it is very sad that they must remain like two strangers even when they are married and when the husband has no desire to accompany her even when they are both in the same house. It is indeed true that the greatest distance in not physical distance, but those between two hearts.
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Originally posted by rainee:
Of course the result won't appear right after the confrontation but there must be some effort made to get it across to the husband that hey, something is not right, we need to talk about it now. From what we have read so far is TS is more interested in letting things be and modifying her own expectations so that the husband can continue to be obsessed with his work and she will continue to be neglected ("If I manage my expectations, the problem is solved. Like you said there are couples who do not meet or talk for months on end and they are happy with the arrangement. I will work on that.")
But like what I have said before: it's her life, it's her choice. If she thinks she will be happy with someone who refuses to even spend some time to accompany her, then so be it. I just happen to think it is very sad that they must remain like two strangers even when they are married and when the husband has no desire to accompany her even when they are both in the same house. It is indeed true that the greatest distance in not physical distance, but those between two hearts.
thanks for your feedback rainee..just wondering wann ask all the married forummers here, including yourself, how often do you spend time with your husband/wife? thanks
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I see what you mean..so you're saying (with a lot of truth) that my problem will cease to be a problem the moment I can alter my expectations. The problem now lies in my feeling my expectations are not met. If I manage my expectations, the problem is solved. Like you said there are couples who do not meet or talk for months on end and they are happy with the arrangement. I will work on that.. its strange but I have never thought of this before.
every relationship is unique, has its own dynamics.
sometimes u persuade, convince and beg, sometimes he's put in dat position while u compensate or ignore him. our roles are ever changing. dat's wat makes life interesting, it's never smooth sailing, devoid of problems and challenges.
since his background, character and profession obviously doesn't allow him to evolve in terms of personal r/s at this point, so y not u evolve first?
maybe he will pick up ur tempo and move along towards u, with u again.
if he doesn't, then y does it matter since u're honest with urself, true to ur own attitude and needs, and chose ur best possible move?
sometimes when u free urself from a chain, good things unravel and come to u.
i'm starting to sound like a freaking horoscope here so this will be my last post.
Missus, do take some time out and regain ur perspective. and who knows, maybe 10 years down the road the both of u will look back and be glad u handled this situation in a strong, confident and mature way.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
thanks for your feedback rainee..just wondering wann ask all the married forummers here, including yourself, how often do you spend time with your husband/wife? thanks
No problem, I am sincere in helping you out here ;)
My husband can be pretty preoccupied with his work sometimes but we agree that we will try to spend at least 1 hour everyday with each other, be it having lunch or dinner together. And one day of the weekends will be reserved for family time...
Most importantly, it is not about the quantity of time spent, but the quality. Spending one hour with me everyday doesn't mean we will just sit together in the same room and ignore each other..it means we will spend that time communicating, maybe updating each other about what has been going on at work, etc...
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
thanks for your feedback rainee..just wondering wann ask all the married forummers here, including yourself, how often do you spend time with your husband/wife? thanks
I have breakfast at home with her, then we go for a jog together if time permits. Sometimes during lunchtime she would call me what we would be having for lunch or she would visit me in my office and we go for lunch together. I don't have to mention dinner.
I just spend alot of my time with her now. And thanks for the question Missus, if you havn't I would have overlooked how happy I am with her. (Sorry if I am being too frank, considering your issue.)
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tsk....hmmm.....
In my opinion your husband might be a little immature.
He is still too ambitious and dont know when to relax, and how to balance his life.
I dont know whether this is a life phase which will correct itself once he gets older.
In my opinion, you should:
- Give him space for the next 1-2 months, for him to learn his new job
- But after that, if his pattern is still the same, you should mention to him that you object to it, and ask him to rebalance his priorities and his time schedule
I do not think you should reconfigure your own expectation. No, that is unreasonable. Of course, you can always bend over, for anything, but this is unfair and I dont think you should do that.
Basically, I see that your husband character might be a recurring problem. You have to talk to him that he can be ambitious but must remember to balance his life, and not act like he is a single man.
If he listens to you, I think there is a chance he can change. Of course, changing a basic personality character is difficult, but this is not really changing, it's merely adjusting or moderating it. It's merely paying attention and spending energy on another additional thing, which he should be doing, as a husband.
So good luck to you.
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Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I have breakfast at home with her, then we go for a jog together if time permits. Sometimes during lunchtime she would call me what we would be having for lunch or she would visit me in my office and we go for lunch together. I don't have to mention dinner.
I just spend alot of my time with her now. And thanks for the question Missus, if you havn't I would have overlooked how happy I am with her. (Sorry if I am being too frank, considering your issue.)
Thanks for making me envious.
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Originally posted by Meat Bao:
tsk....hmmm.....
In my opinion your husband might be a little immature.
He is still too ambitious and dont know when to relax, and how to balance his life.
I dont know whether this is a life phase which will correct itself once he gets older.
In my opinion, you should:
- Give him space for the next 1-2 months, for him to learn his new job
- But after that, if his pattern is still the same, you should mention to him that you object to it, and ask him to rebalance his priorities and his time schedule
I do not think you should reconfigure your own expectation. No, that is unreasonable. Of course, you can always bend over, for anything, but this is unfair and I dont think you should do that.
Basically, I see that your husband character might be a recurring problem. You have to talk to him that he can be ambitious but must remember to balance his life, and not act like he is a single man.
If he listens to you, I think there is a chance he can change. Of course, changing a basic personality character is difficult, but this is not really changing, it's merely adjusting or moderating it. It's merely paying attention and spending energy on another additional thing, which he should be doing, as a husband.
So good luck to you.
I have spoken to him. He says that basically, if he feels he is not doing well @ work, he cannot feel happy outside of work. his perceived performance at work will affect his overall state as a person, he says this is normal of guys.
He asked me imagine any of his bosses 'flailing' at work, how could they possibly feel happy on the weekends and be relaxing and partying? Anyway my hubby was never the party animal type. He is a serious person, especially when he is working, he's also a strong leader.
He maintains that he is tied up (time, energy and commitment-wise) to his work now, and says I knew full well the intensity of his job, and his last postings though not as intense as now, was also much more intense than the average person and I sucked it up and never once complained and knew full well of the terms of the relationship when we started it.
But he says the situation will not be permanent, however he can't tell me what is the end date of this situation as of cos being unable to tell the future, he doesn't know when he is good enough to meet his standards (in the new job).
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I agree, but it's not like the change will occur tomorrow after a confrontation today, sadly a fact unacknowledged by our instant gratification generation in this modern era.
It takes time and patience, but the gentle will must be there, not with tantrums but using indirect subtle methods to achieve a better result.
do you mind saying what kind of job were you doing then, when you neglected your ex??
thanks much for the insights from you and everyone else in this thread, really appreciate it.
btw I did a search on your past posts and saw what you said in speaker's corner, you make very good points I must say, but they are on deaf ears cos the people are stupid. hahah don't bother with those boliao lowlives. They're known as the proverbial frogs-in-the-well and natural selection will get rid of them in its own way.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
do you mind saying what kind of job were you doing then, when you neglected your ex??
thanks much for the insights from you and everyone else in this thread, really appreciate it.
btw I did a search on your past posts and saw what you said in speaker's corner, you make very good points I must say, but they are on deaf ears cos the people are stupid. hahah don't bother with those boliao lowlives. They're known as the proverbial frogs-in-the-well and natural selection will get rid of them in its own way.
Thanks for your kind words. But..I am only a nobody, insignificant, just another nick on the net, speaking freely, with the hope not to change perceptions but only to present more views, may be right or may be wrong, for others to consider and make decisions on, if they wish to.
I am not important. You are the important one here, seeking for views to help salvage or improve your marriage, a noble aspiration everyone of us who can, should help.
Everyone else matters egalitarian-wise, for we are all one race - humanity, more so our fellow citizens.
Hope you will find solace in whatever you decide upon. Good luck and be happy always. Cheers,
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Let's just put aside the 'disconnect' for the time being (which I still feel is the primary point to explore.)
Even if its true your husband neglects you due to work-obsession, it remains the case that work obsession is not a valid reason for neglecting your wife.
Since this is a fresh 6 month marriage, it seems clear he is not aware of the emotional maintenance that females require.
You need to stop viewing your husband as a victim suffering from some sort of sickness or obsession. If you worship him to the extent you cannot see his faults, your marriage will be in trouble. To be honest, assuming I shut my eyes to the 'disconnect' issue, your husband is frankly just being an insensitive bastard.
You should consider using either soft approach (sex him up) or hard approach (threaten him) and make him wake up to your sensitivities. Do not keep wallowing in pity and harping on his obsession as if he were a victim or patient in need.
Remember, women do not need very much in terms of emotional maintenance. It is the small things that count. Little things like voluntary peck on cheek, pat on backside, and one-liner flirts, take no more than a few seconds. No matter how work obsessed a man is, they can satisfactorily create romance if they want to.
You repeatedly say your husband is 100% consumed by work thoughts. Sounds like an insensitive bastard to me, not a victim.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
Let's just put aside the 'disconnect' for the time being (which I still feel is the primary point to explore.)
Even if its true your husband neglects you due to work-obsession, it remains the case that work obsession is not a valid reason for neglecting your wife.
Since this is a fresh 6 month marriage, it seems clear he is not aware of the emotional maintenance that females require.
You need to stop viewing your husband as a victim suffering from some sort of sickness or obsession. If you worship him to the extent you cannot see his faults, your marriage will be in trouble. To be honest, assuming I shut my eyes to the 'disconnect' issue, your husband is frankly just being an insensitive bastard.
You should consider using either soft approach (sex him up) or hard approach (threaten him) and make him wake up to your sensitivities. Do not keep wallowing in pity and harping on his obsession as if he were a victim or patient in need.
Remember, women do not need very much in terms of emotional maintenance. It is the small things that count. Little things like voluntary peck on cheek, pat on backside, and one-liner flirts, take no more than a few seconds. No matter how work obsessed a man is, they can satisfactorily create romance if they want to.
Thanks artspraken. That is why I spoke to him. What do you think of his explanation?
He can be a bit insensitive at times, but he's not here to present his side of the story while I am. I too have my insensitive moments, when I make very cutting or curt remarks to him when i feel mean or out of spite, especially against people I don't like.
I am also a bit afraid of making him angry, as when he is (very) angered, he is very fierce.. can yell at me real loud. maybe I just have a knack at pissing men off.
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You seem to know a great deal about the man you are married to and I am sure he loves you.Give him the space he needs and be supportive in what he does.In return he should know how to be automatic in giving in to your basic needs
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
Thanks artspraken. That is why I spoke to him. What do you think of his explanation?
His explanation is long-winded bullshit lah.
Basically, he is saying:
- "my job very intense"; and
- "I am very busy".
My retort is: SO WHAT?
I think he dunno what it takes to be a husband. He need to grow up. He think everybody's lives revolve around him hah? Hello! He wanna be husband. Husband got duty to wife okay. At the barest minimum, the least a wife can expect is to get bang by her husband. Even if he wanna be insensitive bastard, at the very least be a man and knock up your own wife right? Where got 4 months no action wan. If he got bad libido, hello, other men make the effort to battle impotence by sourcing for viagra, lingerie, festish etc etc ok. Even if your husband got no mood for sex, does he at least make some effort with his little brother? does he even make an effort to talk to his wife or romance his wife? If he does not even try, it means he does not even care. He does not know how to be husband. All this bullshit about work is just excuse. It is a convenient excuse that every man can recognise lor.
If he fails as a husband, for a wife that is acceptable provided that failure is preceded by effort. If he is failing because there is no effort made at all, then he really does not have what it takes to be a man, nevermind a husband lor.
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Really busy la !