How can I make my hubby love me more?
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where got busy until (i) no sex for 4 months; (ii) dun talk for weeks wan?
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o.k o.k..
=X
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This is beside the issue..we got complained by our neighbour downstairs who slipped a note under our door plus complained to the condo management committee about the noise when my hubby works out at home the sound of the weights on the floor during lifting.Such petty and unneighbourly behavior. now my hubby's mood is fouler.
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Really busy la !
no matter how busy a person is, the need for basic intimacy is still there. why he's not showing it, asking for it, going to TS for it but distancing himself further instead, is the mystery.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
This is beside the issue..we got complained by our neighbour downstairs who slipped a note under our door plus complained to the condo management committee about the noise when my hubby works out at home the sound of the weights on the floor during lifting.Such petty and unneighbourly behavior. now my hubby's mood is fouler.
So what is the point? Are you saying your husband is very fit coz he work out alot?
He should be using that energy on you!
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Originally posted by soleachip:
no matter how busy a person is, the need for basic intimacy is still there. why he's not showing it, asking for it, going to TS for it but distancing himself further instead, is the mystery.
Its no mystery lo like that...
unless he planning a SUPRISE!!! kinda thing..
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
where got busy until (i) no sex for 4 months; (ii) dun talk for weeks wan?
To be accurate, we had sex 7 weeks ago, it was make up sex after he finally talked to me when he felt very down by work, and cancelled the holiday, i had no idea why.
About your calculations above, it is very possible, i know real life examples. my aunt's husband in his late 30s only does it to her 4 times a year..and every night he's glued to his work either outside or at home, they also hardly spend time together, he only has a meal together once in week with the kids and her. Its been like this for the past 10 years since he married her.
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Man's gotta bring home the bacon.
;p
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
So what is the point? Are you saying your husband is very fit coz he work out alot?
He should be using that energy on you!
I angry cos even after he is now in his super busy mode, he still know how to make improvisions to solve the 'problem', he got no time to go gym now so he make the gym come to him. But with his wife, he can't be bothered. Is it cos he knows I will always be here for him and will always love him? So he feels complacent..?
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I angry cos even after he is now in his super busy mode, he still know how to make improvisions to solve the 'problem', he got no time to go gym now so he make the gym come to him. But with his wife, he can't be bothered. Is it cos he knows I will always be here for him and will always love him? So he feels complacent..?
yup. 9 out of 10 guys behave this way.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
To be accurate, we had sex 7 weeks ago, it was make up sex after he finally talked to me when he felt very down by work, and cancelled the holiday, i had no idea why.
About your calculations above, it is very possible, i know real life examples. my aunt's husband in his late 30s only does it to her 4 times a year..and every night he's glued to his work either outside or at home, they also hardly spend time together, he only has a meal together once in week with the kids and her. Its been like this for the past 10 years since he married her.
make up sex? so he just come on top and finished it quickly and dozed off type?
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Originally posted by nicolelew:
make up sex? so he just come on top and finished it quickly and dozed off type?
Errr no it was actually really good.. but i think I can't give any more details or it would make it more suitable for the Bar forum.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
Errr no it was actually really good.. but i think I can't give any more details or it would make it more suitable for the Bar forum.
I see, then is ok la, just let him focus on his work, I believed he still love you, he feels complacent cos he believed you will always be there for him.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I angry cos even after he is now in his super busy mode, he still know how to make improvisions to solve the 'problem', he got no time to go gym now so he make the gym come to him. But with his wife, he can't be bothered. Is it cos he knows I will always be here for him and will always love him? So he feels complacent..?
this is why I say the problem is not the work. the problem is he is taking you for granted. he is not making any effort.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
yup. 9 out of 10 guys behave this way.
MEN SUCK.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
MEN SUCK.
Only gays suck.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
MEN SUCK.
Now we're learning!
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as long as TS continues to hold on to him firmly (clingy) and be overly involved with his needs (dependent), he knows she will never leave him (he is secure which leads to complacency).
so what's the harm in trying the opposite? stop pursuing a reaction.
sometimes the more TS needs his love, the more pro active she becomes, the harder she tries, the more he'll shut her out.
if he's the strong, manly, alpha type, will he will yield and succumb to TS's pleas, or will he raise the fence and keep her out (buy new bench press/read more journals/stay longer at work/grow more muscles)?
i think he meant what he said about needing space and time (doesn't matter how we intepret his words). Space is still space. It's distance. It's room to breathe.
it's possible he knows he's distancing himself from TS though he doesn't want to, and doesn't know why.
i feel that the day TS takes the emotional risk of letting go a bit is the day he stops feeling undermined by her pro activeness.
it may not be a bad idea to withdraw first before returning to closeness again.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
as long as TS continues to hold on to him firmly (clingy) and be overly involved with his needs (dependent), he knows she will never leave him (he is secure which leads to complacency).
so what's the harm in trying the opposite? stop pursuing a reaction.
sometimes the more TS needs his love, the more pro active she becomes, the harder she tries, the more he'll shut her out.
if he's the strong, manly, alpha type, will he will yield and succumb to TS's pleas, or will he raise the fence and keep her out (buy new bench press/read more journals/stay longer at work/grow more muscles)?
i think he meant what he said about needing space and time (doesn't matter how we intepret his words). Space is still space. It's distance. It's room to breathe.
it's possible he knows he's distancing himself from TS though he doesn't want to, and doesn't know why.
i feel that the day TS takes the emotional risk of letting go a bit is the day he stops feeling undermined by her pro activeness.
it may not be a bad idea to withdraw first before returning to closeness again.
I agreed with you, is like fishing.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
MEN SUCK.
if he's the type to retreat to his shell when threatened and overwhelmed, i think he's taken a very big step forward by marrying you. it's simply a matter of him being relaxed/comfortable enough to show you that he depends on you in times of stress (partially linked to his emotional awareness).
in a good marriage/union/partnership, both parties have their needs met, everything sui sui. you need his emotional attentiveness and so does he, whether he shows it or not, whether you realise it or not. just that most of the time, it's easier for us women to acknowledge and be open about this need... harder for macho men to do the same cos they're not wired that way.
whatever it is, i hope everything works out well and in time to come, you two can walk down sandy beaches, stare at beautiful sunsets together.
*hugs*
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
His explanation is long-winded bullshit lah.
Basically, he is saying:
- "my job very intense"; and
- "I am very busy".
My retort is: SO WHAT?
I think he dunno what it takes to be a husband. He need to grow up. He think everybody's lives revolve around him hah? Hello! He wanna be husband. Husband got duty to wife okay. At the barest minimum, the least a wife can expect is to get bang by her husband. Even if he wanna be insensitive bastard, at the very least be a man and knock up your own wife right? Where got 4 months no action wan. If he got bad libido, hello, other men make the effort to battle impotence by sourcing for viagra, lingerie, festish etc etc ok. Even if your husband got no mood for sex, does he at least make some effort with his little brother? does he even make an effort to talk to his wife or romance his wife? If he does not even try, it means he does not even care. He does not know how to be husband. All this bullshit about work is just excuse. It is a convenient excuse that every man can recognise lor.
If he fails as a husband, for a wife that is acceptable provided that failure is preceded by effort. If he is failing because there is no effort made at all, then he really does not have what it takes to be a man, nevermind a husband lor.
While what you said is true, it does sound harsh. In my view, harsh counselling should only be used as a last resort. For example, when a circumstance becomes a do-or-die situation, to get the message across, usually found in battlefields, or the last few minutes of a game to be won.
The situation with TS doesnt warrant such technique, at least no yet, and I do believe a less harsher sharing of views would persent her with a clearer concept to clear her confusion and perhaps save a precious marriage and love between 2 persons.
I agree with you that it would be impossible to work 365 days a year without breaks. No human, not even slaves can perform well under those situations.
Such situations only occurs when there are deadlines to meet, or under the employment circumstances and position held by TS's hubby, more so if it is the civil service, worse if in a crisis, it is frenatically normal and real, and would be considered abnormal by normal 8-5pm 5 day work week workers, but only for months and not an entire year, unless one screws up and end up rectifying and modifying faults.
Thus, the hubby should have no excuse in giving TS company. Unfortunately, with much bitter regret now on hindsigh, such time spent I gave was in my view quality precious time, but selfish in nature.
During lull periods, I took my ex shopping. She was cheerful and happy, but once at the mall, I became bored by such idle activities. She would ask for my opinion on clothes, and i would 'palm face' walk out of the shop, stand outside and ponder on solutions to my work.
As she quietly did her shopping, I would become impatient and fall into a foul mood. Seeing my mood, she would be disheartened, and the many times I actually took her shopping, we were doing different things in the mall as a compromise - she shopping for bags, me at the bookstore pouring over latest publications and reviews.
Stupid and ignorant as I was, I failed to comprehend the mystery of womanhood. Shopping was a form of relaxation for her after a long week at work, and bought clothes to please me, and yet I never helped to give my opinions for her to look beautiful, but instead doing my own stuff selfishly.
I didnt balance work and social life. She tried, and thought I could relax, but my mind was elsewhere, which in my stupid ego, was on more important tasks for work without realizing the truly important one was standing beside me.
I could go on more, but I guess you would have an idea on my selfishness. Thing is, TS is a workaholic without a doubt, an unreasonable excuse, but one that can change with patience and love.
My ex tried, but I was too stubborn, and paid that price of losing her. I hope no other man would end up like me, thus my revelation, not for pity which I dont even deserve, but that more may understand the male better and help rectify the marriage situation here on our workaholic nation.
It is easy to destroy a marriage, an union, but hard and difficult to build one, let alone rebuild one. Lives needlessly get destroyed as well.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
While what you said is true, it does sound harsh. In my view, harsh counselling should only be used as a last resort. For example, when a circumstance becomes a do-or-die situation, to get the message across, usually found in battlefields, or the last few minutes of a game to be won.
The situation with TS doesnt warrant such technique, at least no yet, and I do believe a less harsher sharing of views would persent her with a clearer concept to clear her confusion and perhaps save a precious marriage and love between 2 persons.
I agree with you that it would be impossible to work 365 days a year without breaks. No human, not even slaves can perform well under those situations.
Such situations only occurs when there are deadlines to meet, or under the employment circumstances and position held by TS's hubby, it is frenatically normal and real, and would be considered abnormal by normal 8-5pm 5 day work week workers, but only for months and not an entire year, unless one screws up and end up rectifying and modifying faults.
Thus, the hubby should have no excuse in giving TS company. Unfortunately, with much bitter regret now on hindsigh, such time spent I gave was in my view quality precious time, but selfish in nature.
During lull periods, I took my ex shopping. She was cheerful and happy, but once at the mall, I became bored by such idle activities. She would ask for my opinion on clothes, and i would 'palm face' walk out of the shop, stand outside and ponder on solutions to my work.
As she quietly did her shopping, I would become impatient and fall into a foul mood. Seeing my mood, she would be disheartened, and the many times I actually took her shopping, we were doing different things in the mall as a compromise - she shopping for bags, me at the bookstore pouring over latest publications and reviews.
Stupid and ignorant as I was, I failed to comprehend the mystery of womanhood. Shopping was a form of relaxation for her after a long week at work, and bought clothes to please me, and yet I never helped to give my opinions for her to look beautiful, but instead doing my own stuff selfishly.
I didnt balance work and social life. She tried, and thought I could relax, but my mind was elsewhere, which in my stupid ego, was on more important tasks for work without realizing the truly important one was standing beside me.
I could go on more, but I guess you would have an idea on my selfishness. Thing is, TS is a workaholic without a doubt, an unreasonable excuse, but one that can change with patience and love.
My ex tried, but I was too stubborn, and paid that price of losing her. I hope no other man would end up like me, thus my revelation, not for pity which I dont even deserve, but that more may understand the male better and help rectify the marriage situation here on our workaholic nation.
It is easy to destroy a marriage, an union, but hard and difficult to build one, let alone rebuild one. Lives needlessly get destroyed as well.
you are being too hard on yourself. for time immemorial, men don't like shopping for clothes with women. it's as simple as that. it's biological lah.
*pats*
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Originally posted by soleachip:
you are being too hard on yourself. for time immemorial, men don't like shopping for clothes with women. it's as simple as that. it's biological lah.
*pats*
wah a rare guest!!!!!
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So you guys are recommending the age-old trick of 'play hard to get' and 'treat em' mean, keep em' keen'?? Does it actually work? Such blanket tricks may work on 80% of men but my hubby is likely not under the category.
So people really respond to pain huh?? Too good to them, too available, they take for granted lah..
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Originally posted by soleachip:
if he's the type to retreat to his shell when threatened and overwhelmed, i think he's taken a very big step forward by marrying you. it's simply a matter of him being relaxed/comfortable enough to show you that he depends on you in times of stress (partially linked to his emotional awareness).
Interesting..if a man is able to comfortably depend on his wife/gf emotionally in times of stress, it means the man is emotionally aware or not emotionally aware??