How can I make my hubby love me more?
-
hmm..different people will have their own mindsets and viewpoints.
if it was me, i would play with whipped cream and naughty sensual surprises, but i dont think its appropriate to describe in this forum and it wouldn't be a possible solution to this case, since ur hubby is in a foul mood and trying to spice up a relationship between a married couple this way is not likely to work in your situation..
i dont believe the "age old trick, play hard to get, and treat them mean" as you have described as i find it rather immature. what would seem more appropriate would be to give in to him, and understand that hes being in a period of stress, work overload, and give him some time, but not let it persist for too long, by then if too long should insist for him to take some leave off work as it is ruining his health and his life.
i know many will not agree with my viewpoint, as i am leading a single life and am still in my early 20s approaching mid-20s (no experience in marriage). but what i believe is, if you love a person you must support them even if it makes u unhappy, but there is a limit to everything..
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
So you guys are recommending the age-old trick of 'play hard to get' and 'treat em' mean, keep em' keen'?? Does it actually work? Such blanket tricks may work on 80% of men but my hubby is likely not under the category.
So people really respond to pain huh?? Too good to them, too available, they take for granted lah.
Every action has a reaction. That's newtonian law. Every patient positive or rash negative action will result in equal patient positive or rash negative reaction. Thats buddhist philosophy.
Whatever action you do, you will have to accept the repercussions, sadly. Such actions tend to take a life of its own, and turn out way out of your control and beyond even one's imagination and preparedness.
In my flawed opinion, I think it is best to be just true to yourself, based on the vow of love you both swore before witnesses, and let love takes its course.
It may be difficult time that you may go thru, but if you can weather this temporary tribulation of your new marriage, it would make you a stronger person with a better insight on what marriage entails, what needs to be improve upon, and make your decision from there on.
Just my thoughts. Good luck.
-
Originally posted by nicolelew:
I agreed with you, is like fishing.
no it's not big game hunting, fishing, cat and mouse, hide and seek and it's not about playing mind games.
it's about creating an atmosphere whereby he's comfortable enough to show the tender side of his needs.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
Interesting..if a man is able to comfortably depend on his wife/gf emotionally in times of stress, it means the man is emotionally aware or not emotionally aware??
if your husband comes to you for intimacy, shares his problems with you, what do you think that makes him? emotionally mature and aware or clueless, weak and spineless?
-
Originally posted by xtreyier:
While what you said is true, it does sound harsh. In my view, harsh counselling should only be used as a last resort. For example, when a circumstance becomes a do-or-die situation, to get the message across, usually found in battlefields, or the last few minutes of a game to be won.
The situation with TS doesnt warrant such technique, at least no yet, and I do believe a less harsher sharing of views would persent her with a clearer concept to clear her confusion and perhaps save a precious marriage and love between 2 persons.
I agree with you that it would be impossible to work 365 days a year without breaks. No human, not even slaves can perform well under those situations.
Such situations only occurs when there are deadlines to meet, or under the employment circumstances and position held by TS's hubby, more so if it is the civil service, worse if in a crisis, it is frenatically normal and real, and would be considered abnormal by normal 8-5pm 5 day work week workers, but only for months and not an entire year, unless one screws up and end up rectifying and modifying faults.
Yes hubby works in public sector. how u know??
-
Originally posted by soleachip:
if your husband comes to you for intimacy, shares his problems with you, what do you think that makes him? emotionally mature and aware or clueless, weak and spineless?
Awareness is not the same as openness. I think my husband is very emotionally aware. He knows full well of what and how he feels at all times, and the emotions of others. but when he feels defeated and useless at the things that he measures his self worth and ego on, he withdraws from all and lapses into a slump.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
Awareness is not the same as openness. I think my husband is very emotionally aware. He knows full well of what and how he feels at all times, and the emotions of others. but when he feels defeated and useless at the things that he measures his self worth and ego on, he withdraws from all and lapses into a slump.
ok.
-
i think his job is the main cause of the problem. maybe he want to consider changing to a job that he is able to cope? i mean why do something that he is not able to cope. it is so stressful that it damage him physically, psycologically, his family and etc. does u and hubby need that kind of pay for the family?
i have seen pple from my company that are very cheerful and happy working at thier position but once they are promoted to the next level that require them to have more responsibility they began to broke down. they are not smiling any more, they look much older and they cant sleep, cannot eat and also cannot make love.
then again, i have also seen pple that are very streessful in their current post until once they downgraded thier job level they are able to cope then they are happily smiling again.
just a suggestion.
-
Originally posted by BotaHead:
i think his job is the main cause of the problem. maybe he want to consider changing to a job that he is able to cope? i mean why do something that he is not able to cope. it is so stressful that it damage him physically, psycologically, his family and etc. does u and hubby need that kind of pay for the family?
i have seen pple from my company that are very cheerful and happy working at thier position but once they are promoted to the next level that require them to have more responsibility they began to broke down. they are not smiling any more, they look much older and they cant sleep, cannot eat and also cannot make love.
then again, i have also seen pple that are very streessful in their current post until once they downgraded thier job level they are able to cope then they are happily smiling again.
just a suggestion.
Not possible..and not necessary. Not possible as doing so is a clear communication to your boss that you yourself are saying you can't make it. Not necessary because it's only been one month. It wasn't a promotion, but a change in posting. I believe it's the fact that the posting is so different from what he was doing before and the fact that he's not done it before that is posing the teething problems. But my hubby has blind determination. Whatever he wants he will pull out all stops to achieve, even at the expense of anything peripheral to his objective.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
Not possible..and not necessary. Not possible as doing so is a clear communication to your boss that you yourself are saying you can't make it. Not necessary because it's only been one month. It wasn't a promotion, but a change in posting. I believe it's the fact that the posting is so different from what he was doing before and the fact that he's not done it before that is posing the teething problems. But my hubby has blind determination. Whatever he wants he will pull out all stops to achieve, even at the expense of anything peripheral to his objective.
then methinks u just tough it out for a while, until he's good at his new job. from what you say, your husband is obviously a very smart guy, and whatever comes his way he will adapt and overcome. just give him time to settle in and he'll be happier. -
I just realized we have been repeating the same things, why not reach a conclusion Missus ? Also I just thought your husband maybe can't manage his attitude/ priorities well.
Empty talk, no solution... well.
-
----
-
Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I just realized we have been repeating the same things, why not reach a conclusion Missus ? Also I just thought your husband maybe can't manage his attitude/ priorities well.
Empty talk, no solution... well.
I dunno, i tried to make some ground by raising the issue last nite, which took a lot for me to do lor..and have reported on what he said.
What I know is, I will always stand by him, i love him..and I have the hope and faith that this is a temporary situation, he just needs to warm himself in the new post and all will be good again, I guess I have to bite the bullet I guess? I should try to make more friends though.
The upside is when he returned from an overseas work trip a week ago, his mood was indeed visibly better, before that his busy-ness was worse. now i see him at least working out in the home gym, whereas before it was just all work and reading the magazines and journals only. Another observation i made is that he no longer watches TV like he used to.
I am making these observations so that I can scientifically find out if he's really shed all the things he used to do pre-posting, if not then I would feel i am hard done by.
For eg before the stress he used to run and work out in gym, and I noticed he still runs and works out now post posting. So he has the energy and space to still do that, but he doesnt have for his wife..so I am the expendable component...
When i asked him he said running and work out relieve his stress, but with me I am so "needy, demand and need so much smothering and attention, and he has no space and no mood to give to me what I want" during this period of darkness in his life. I guess yeah for running a man doesn't have to talk to anyone or draw from his emotions..
he also told me we will no longer go out on weekends, and he will stay in and read his magazines/journals, and do his work, and he welcomes me to go out with any "male or female friend" I have during this period when he's off-duty from his usual duties last time to spend weekends with me. true enough in the last few weekends, I went clubbing and out to other places with my friends, one of whom is my ex bf and my hubby was really at home working and reading. And he ordered pizza delivery for his meals.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
How can I make my hubby love me more?
He is now very focused and consumed by work, which I understand is necessary for men, and I don't wish to stand in his way or disturb him. I really wish I could be more self sufficient and not depend on him emotionally. I know it's very difficult to have to feel bad when you think your wife is unhappy with you not spending enough time with her.
-
Just called him to check on his movements: he is leaving work, i asked him 'where are you now? where are u going? what are you doing? what will you be doing?" he said "I am going home, have to work..' he told me to go for drinks or amuse myself (presumably so that I won't disturb him and smother him when I am home). I said no i am coming back.. he said ok sure.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
Just called him to check on his movements: he is leaving work, i asked him 'where are you now? where are u going? what are you doing? what will you be doing?" he said "I am going home, have to work..' he told me to go for drinks or amuse myself (presumably so that I won't disturb him and smother him when I am home). I said no i am coming back.. he said ok sure.
Try asking your ex-bf to call you and let him picked up the call, see whether he has any reactions?
-
I think you need some useful gear here
http://www.wickedtemptations.com/
good luck
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
I dunno, i tried to make some ground by raising the issue last nite, which took a lot for me to do lor..and have reported on what he said.
What I know is, I will always stand by him, i love him..and I have the hope and faith that this is a temporary situation, he just needs to warm himself in the new post and all will be good again, I guess I have to bite the bullet I guess? I should try to make more friends though.
The upside is when he returned from an overseas work trip a week ago, his mood was indeed visibly better, before that his busy-ness was worse. now i see him at least working out in the home gym, whereas before it was just all work and reading the magazines and journals only. Another observation i made is that he no longer watches TV like he used to.
I am making these observations so that I can scientifically find out if he's really shed all the things he used to do pre-posting, if not then I would feel i am hard done by.
For eg before the stress he used to run and work out in gym, and I noticed he still runs and works out now post posting. So he has the energy and space to still do that, but he doesnt have for his wife..so I am the expendable component...
When i asked him he said running and work out relieve his stress, but with me I am so "needy, demand and need so much smothering and attention, and he has no space and no mood to give to me what I want" during this period of darkness in his life. I guess yeah for running a man doesn't have to talk to anyone or draw from his emotions..
he also told me we will no longer go out on weekends, and he will stay in and read his magazines/journals, and do his work, and he welcomes me to go out with any "male or female friend" I have during this period when he's off-duty from his usual duties last time to spend weekends with me. true enough in the last few weekends, I went clubbing and out to other places with my friends, one of whom is my ex bf and my hubby was really at home working and reading. And he ordered pizza delivery for his meals.
It is indeed strange that he prefers to chill out by himself rather than with you...are you sure he willingly get himself into this marriage? If yes, does he even understand what is his responsibility towards his wife as a husband? From what I have seen through your description, it seems better that both of you are not married, sorry to say. He doesn't seem to adapt well to the fact that he needs to accompany you nor does he seem to enjoy spending time with you.
I think the problem is not as easy as him being stressed at work...even if he is stressed at work also he should look forward to spending time with you after work as a way to destress...why did he seem to imply that spending time together with you will sap away all his energy and is emotionally draining?
If I mention to my husband that I am going clubbing with my ex-boyfriend, he would be jealous and worried. I think most husbands will feel that as well, of course by varying degree. But he seems nonchalant about it...I wonder about the depth of his feelings to you.
-
Originally posted by nicolelew:
Try asking your ex-bf to call you and let him picked up the call, see whether he has any reactions?
Try this classic, hahaha. But first try shedding crocodile tears, make sure he notices you crying, then he will approach you, you know what happens next.
-
Originally posted by rainee:
It is indeed strange that he prefers to chill out by himself rather than with you...are you sure he willingly get himself into this marriage? If yes, does he even understand what is his responsibility towards his wife as a husband? From what I have seen through your description, it seems better that both of you are not married, sorry to say. He doesn't seem to adapt well to the fact that he needs to accompany you nor does he seem to enjoy spending time with you.
I think the problem is not as easy as him being stressed at work...even if he is stressed at work also he should look forward to spending time with you after work as a way to destress...why did he seem to imply that spending time together with you will sap away all his energy and is emotionally draining?
If I mention to my husband that I am going clubbing with my ex-boyfriend, he would be jealous and worried. I think most husbands will feel that as well, of course by varying degree. But he seems nonchalant about it...I wonder about the depth of his feelings to you.
exactly especially if he knew you are going out with your ex, he will be jealous and afraid 'something' might happened.
-
Originally posted by TheMissus:
I dunno, i tried to make some ground by raising the issue last nite, which took a lot for me to do lor..and have reported on what he said.
What I know is, I will always stand by him, i love him..and I have the hope and faith that this is a temporary situation, he just needs to warm himself in the new post and all will be good again, I guess I have to bite the bullet I guess? I should try to make more friends though.
The upside is when he returned from an overseas work trip a week ago, his mood was indeed visibly better, before that his busy-ness was worse. now i see him at least working out in the home gym, whereas before it was just all work and reading the magazines and journals only. Another observation i made is that he no longer watches TV like he used to.
I am making these observations so that I can scientifically find out if he's really shed all the things he used to do pre-posting, if not then I would feel i am hard done by.
For eg before the stress he used to run and work out in gym, and I noticed he still runs and works out now post posting. So he has the energy and space to still do that, but he doesnt have for his wife..so I am the expendable component...
When i asked him he said running and work out relieve his stress, but with me I am so "needy, demand and need so much smothering and attention, and he has no space and no mood to give to me what I want" during this period of darkness in his life. I guess yeah for running a man doesn't have to talk to anyone or draw from his emotions..
he also told me we will no longer go out on weekends, and he will stay in and read his magazines/journals, and do his work, and he welcomes me to go out with any "male or female friend" I have during this period when he's off-duty from his usual duties last time to spend weekends with me. true enough in the last few weekends, I went clubbing and out to other places with my friends, one of whom is my ex bf and my hubby was really at home working and reading. And he ordered pizza delivery for his meals.
I am beginning to wonder if all alpha-males behave the same, if not, then your hubby must be my twin!
I gave complete freedom to my ex, same as he did to you. She was surprised and asked my why I am so different from others. I told her that a relationship is built on trust, and if there is no trust, then there is no sense continuing a relationship. It would only hurt each other into unnecessary and unfounded suspicions.
While in my relationship with her, I did not fool around, not even if I had the time and would rather pour myself into looking for solutions and improvement at work. She would at times tempt me wearing silky lacy lingeries, but I simply laugh and tell her I gotta finish my projects.
She would dress to her nines in open cut gowns or tight skimpy skirts for clubbing, just to get a reaction from me. All I did was kiss her goodnight and wish her a good time, sincerly, for I trusted her to know where the line was drawn.
At times it hurt, but I guess I had more important work on hand, driven on a mission with belief in the work I am doing that will benefit others, without realizing the one that should benefit was the one who comforted, supported and stood by me when things got out of hand at work, and who will be there for me when we are both old.
It wasn't all lovey dovey, and there were times when we quarelled over the slightest things, sometimes on the bed and any chance for lovemaking would be spoilt. Worse was during her PMS, and I dont blame her for it is only natural in women during that period.
I did love her truly, and approach love as i did in my work, and that is to love totally or not to love at all. I loved her and would lay down my life for her. But unfortunately in my stupid and immatured perceptions of love, under the similar vein as of work, I placed a priority level over it.
Work took priority as it was paying the bills and a secure future,. so I thought. Love can wait. But it all screwed up in the end. Humans are not binary machines but fuzzy logic biological beings. No 2 humans think the same.
I just want you to know that I am sure he does love you, in a way many would think nonsensical, but i guess that's how some driven people approach life and love.
I am not making excuses for him, but only that you may try to see him in a different light and perhaps slowly guide him and wean him off the nonsensical priority placing. You are a human with need for love and companionship, and not a complex tangible work issue to ponder and solve.
Give him and yourself time, if the love is strong. Marriage is an eternity and takes time to work out. No one ever had a marriage that is plain sailing everyday. Ask the rest and you will know it is true.
-
what xtreiyer says is true........and has been mentioned in dating books.
if your wife / gal go out with other guys and instead of getting jealous, you encourage her to do so, she'll go crazy over you (meaning, going ga-ga over you).
this is proven by xtreiyer's wife and TheMissus, and is a very powerful technique indeed.
in future, if my gal wants to go clubbing, i'll gladly ask her to wear less and give her sex drugs to make her high instead of getting jealous.
-
Originally posted by rainee:
It is indeed strange that he prefers to chill out by himself rather than with you...are you sure he willingly get himself into this marriage? If yes, does he even understand what is his responsibility towards his wife as a husband? From what I have seen through your description, it seems better that both of you are not married, sorry to say. He doesn't seem to adapt well to the fact that he needs to accompany you nor does he seem to enjoy spending time with you.
I think the problem is not as easy as him being stressed at work...even if he is stressed at work also he should look forward to spending time with you after work as a way to destress...why did he seem to imply that spending time together with you will sap away all his energy and is emotionally draining?
If I mention to my husband that I am going clubbing with my ex-boyfriend, he would be jealous and worried. I think most husbands will feel that as well, of course by varying degree. But he seems nonchalant about it...I wonder about the depth of his feelings to you.
cos i have been bugging him for love, attention lor..i think thats why it makes him feel that I am a source of his emotional expenditure,..and i think its been the wrong tactic used..backfired on me..yeah he willingly proposed to me with my dream 1 carat ring when we holidayed in HK.. i didn't force him, I was so happy I said yes immediately but I wish he could have gone on bended knee which he didn't..
He doesn't know that I went out with my ex lah. I didn't say. I did say I went out with a friend, which is not a lie. My ex is really now my friend. I do treasure his friendship.
-
Originally posted by Nikar 3:
what xtreiyer says is true........and has been mentioned in dating books.
if your wife / gal go out with other guys and instead of getting jealous, you encourage her to do so, she'll go crazy over you (meaning, going ga-ga over you).
this is proven by xtreiyer's wife and TheMissus, and is a very powerful technique indeed.
in future, if my gal wants to go clubbing, i'll gladly ask her to wear less and give her sex drugs to make her high instead of getting jealous.
U say now only.. when the time comes I bet you won't be able to do what u say now
-
Originally posted by xtreyier:
I am beginning to wonder if all alpha-males behave the same, if not, then your hubby must be my twin!
I gave complete freedom to my ex, same as he did to you. She was surprised and asked my why I am so different from others. I told her that a relationship is built on trust, and if there is no trust, then there is no sense continuing a relationship. It would only hurt each other into unnecessary and unfounded suspicions.
While in my relationship with her, I did not fool around, not even if I had the time and would rather pour myself into looking for solutions and improvement at work. She would at times tempt me wearing silky lacy lingeries, but I simply laugh and tell her I gotta finish my projects.
She would dress to her nines in open cut gowns or tight skimpy skirts for clubbing, just to get a reaction from me. All I did was kiss her goodnight and wish her a good time, sincerly, for I trusted her to know where the line was drawn.
At times it hurt, but I guess I had more important work on hand, driven on a mission with belief in the work I am doing that will benefit others, without realizing the one that should benefit was the one who comforted, supported and stood by me when things got out of hand at work, and who will be there for me when we are both old.
Yeah same..my hubby also feels a strong passion in serving the nation, he is also driven by that amongst other things like self fulfilment