I am speechless . . . It now dawn on me I am the one that created all these .. I was blaming my wife for not consulting me in the first place .. But I had neglected her ... now I am going to lose her ... for her to be free and happy, I have to let her go ... or I have to accept her as she is ... the old wife that I had is now gone ...
We were married so long and I always us together as happy. Many people envies us too. Everytime, we were the talk of town. We were able to "xin xiang tong " and speak the same thing at the same time ... people were amazed how we can talk as one. Is this going to be a past ?
I appreciate what is really here, really. There are help around. When I frist got it, I thought, now I am in trouble, I got no one to help me. I know I was wrong after I wrote her .. But what is really difficult to accept is the break up I am going to face . I don't know what to do without her .. I will be lost ... of course if we do come to this stage, I had to come to term and pick up the pieces ...
TS - the past is a cancelled 'cheque - the more validation u seek, the more anxious u are going to be. The 'cheque' is no longer valid - it is real or appears real for u but u seem to overlook this - it is already dead and - it is in the mind (a psychological expereince). It is mind games!
When one knows, understands, accepts that one carries or accumulates images/pixs in one's mind (which is not real) of many things, eg what is a 'good', what is 'bad', what is 'life', what is 'love', what is 'success' ... one can simply add on - one is limiting oneself. One is simply carrying past definitions,conditioning and expecting and trying to change it into 'what was it should be like ....'.
Life defined one misses what is. Life undefined - one lives, one really lives. Of course, it presupposes one is being open, receptive and flows with existence (life) as it comes. It comes in many forms/shapes/events/people and so on so forth.
One is attuned to living as opposed to 'making' or 'seeking' meaning of life with (accumulated images/pixs) of what has already passed or happened. It is untenable and one is bound to feel anxious, fearful of what mite happen.
If one is for eg, a teacher n after lessons leaves the classroom and (with understanding) no longer sees oneself as a teacher: one has no image of teacher, one does not accumulate image(s) and hence there is nothing to carry. One participates or plays the role in ..... and one experiences it and simply 'let's go'.
A story:
One day a monk n his young student were going into town. On their way, they approached a small river n saw a girl walking back and forth looking very disturbed.
The monk asked the girl - 'what is the problem'?
She told him that she feared crossing the river.
The monk responded: 'I will carry you across the river.'
So the monk carried the girl on his back n walked across the river stream. On reaching the opposite river bank, he put her down and bidding farewell went his way with his student tagging along.
Observing the whole thing, the young student was perturbed. He thought, 'the monk taught us to keep a distance from a women'.
After a few hours after they had left the girl n were already in town, the whole thing was still bothering the student in his mind. Finally, the student could not stand it any longer and brought it up to the monk.
Upon hearing this, the monk amusingly said: 'I had put down the girl when we crossed the river. You must be very tired carrying her around for the last few hours.'
Mind accumulates (images of ..) and the more, the bigger the burden. The lesser the images the more freer one feels. The ligther one feels the more one is moving towards the seat of one's being (heart,soul, spirit or whatever one calls it). One feels alive!
One flows existentially - i.e. one partakes of life as it comes, no 'hangovers'of the past, one is flowing with the river of life/living.
One's mind flows and it is in synchrony with one's heart . One is free of the past - the images of eg, what is a 'good', 'bad' teacher, what is life, what is .... is no longer there. One is integrated within oneself and no longer split within and most of all one is anew, 'alive' and partaking of life in all its hues
Ps - What u are now is this lar- u have a centre but it is not u - your past, ur job , ur wife, add on has given u centre and now the fear of losing it makes u anxious, depressed and what-not.
However, when u move to the centre, that is, create from within u a centre - whether the other or antother stays/leaves or the job, house, car is acquired/lost is no longer going to bother u lar.
I know what you are trying to drive at ... some time just stubborn lor ... also to put that "girl off my back " ... very difficult to do ... have to but difficult .
u are being wise - cos the knowing 'now' is more important than knowledge. Rite/wrong- no such thing!
Originally posted by ORIGAMIST:I know what you are trying to drive at ... some time just stubborn lor ... also to put that "girl off my back " ... very difficult to do ... have to but difficult .
You and I know talking is cheap. Anyone can say anything. In the end, no one else can live your life, only you alone can do it.
All these upheavals are common for every human being on Earth in this crisis. You arent the only one, but being the one in the centre of it in your own sphere of influence and daily living, you suffer its consequences, consequences of which may must likely not of you doing, and affecting everyone around you.
It is rightly so that you lean on your wife, for most men married their loved ones and hope for them to be a pillar of support. And often.2 heads are better than one, more so, the one whom you love and trust your life with.
But in this crisis, unfortunately, we have to double up to bring home the bacon. Some even have to take long trips overseas to secure or attempt to secure deals. Wives are often left alone at home.
Some understanding ones, will accept, espacially if they have careers of their own. Most housewives are unable to take it. We men often presumed that with kids around, they would have accompany.
But this is a fallacy, for kids are quite a handful to handle, for they do have minds of their owns and tend to rebel or do things in their own naive and at times destructive ways, due to lack of maturity or plain wilfulness.
The wife needs some adult compassion and understanding from their husband, but if the husband is so busy settling bacon issues, he would hardly have the time, nor would even listen to her problems. This compounds the communication issue at home, and in time, the poor wife gets sick of such neglect, and seek solutions to solve their predicaments
Who is right and who is wrong? This is a difficult issue, of which i have no answer to. But I do believe always the family must come first, before all else. If you have no family, you will be totally lost and have absolutely no reason to slog so hard.
Some men find solace in other women or KTV girls, but those women cannot even begin to compare to the golden one whom you had love enough to marry and spend years with, no matter how she had aged or nagged. She is the precious one whom loved you and bore you kids, through thick and thin.
All you will ever get from one night stands womenfolk are transcient love, paid and valued for money, nothing else, and leave you with you an empty feeling once your money is paid out. Worse still if some demands more than money and seek a commercial partnership of which you are not a willing party instead, or else.....
What had happened already happened. There can be no turning back of the clock, despite hollywood's attempt to introduce the fiction of time travel, which is beyond science. We have to move on forward, and confront reality.
Be patient, and sort your life first. Only when you are stable will you be able to care for others seriously and genuinely. Acknowledge your faults to her, and never let pride get in your way. Talk to her, and if it fails, introduce her to this site if all else fails, and let her see your post of how you really and truly feel.
Only in annonymity does one truly share his or her true feelings. But if it doesnt work,as mention, let her know that you truly love her, but wish her well and will continue to a pillar of support to her once your life is in order.
A partnership, with kids, of 23 years is not something to scoff at. There will be a temporary sense of freedom, but the beautiful times spent will never be forgotten. She may still return back once she regains her confidence in you. Or she may not. Whichever way, if you truly love her, respect her, for the love and support she had given you, as well as the decision she has to make.
Sadly, good times never last. So too bad times anyway. The clock had turned, you have a life to live, and others dependant on you. Take courage, be strong, have confidence in your abilities which had never failed you even before you were married, if not for yourself, at least for those you are responsible for and loves you.
You are not alone. Good luck.
I really appreciate your effort in writing here.. I will reflect on myself. I had spoken to my wife.. Yes, she did say I seem stop giving her the attention I had been giving her . Maybe because we had taken each other for granted.. She turn to religion because I didn't give her the concern that I had been giving her.
I will settle the issue with her. Then I tackle the office issue. Life have to go on and I know there are other dependant. But really if without her, life is never going to be the same. I think the motivation may not be there.
Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate all the writing here. IF necessary, I will get her to come in here. I am sure it would be useful.
Bless you.
Listen to her and be reasonable you can get her to come in here when all is well.Good luck!
I cannot understand why. In the past, my father used to treat her very nice and she was good to my father too. Now he is dead. Today, as we were heading home I asked if we can go and visit my father at the temple. She say ok but when at the temple, she refused to go and see him. We don't even intend to pray with joss stick! Why a chirstain must be so heartless to even refused to pay respect to the dead ? I get very worked up today... whole day didn't want to talk for fear I lost my temper ...
I always feel the christian are very "wu qin " ... this really show ... I am sad again. She say want to go holiday and I already book a short trip leaving this week with her. Hopefully thing can go back to normal. Now I don't know if I should go in the first place ... I am seriously thinking if I should just divorce her and start a new life like what everyone is say here ...
Originally posted by ORIGAMIST:I cannot understand why. In the past, my father used to treat her very nice and she was good to my father too. Now he is dead. Today, as we were heading home I asked if we can go and visit my father at the temple. She say ok but when at the temple, she refused to go and see him. We don't even intend to pray with joss stick! Why a chirstain must be so heartless to even refused to pay respect to the dead ? I get very worked up today... whole day didn't want to talk for fear I lost my temper ...
I always feel the christian are very "wu qin " ... this really show ... I am sad again. She say want to go holiday and I already book a short trip leaving this week with her. Hopefully thing can go back to normal. Now I don't know if I should go in the first place ... I am seriously thinking if I should just divorce her and start a new life like what everyone is say here ...
If you keep such a thought in ur mind, your holiday trip is sure to be ruined.
Try to think about what made u love her in the beginning. Think of all the joy etc you 2 had together, during honeymoon etc and bring them to the holiday trip. Do not bring with you all the complains, unhappiness etc. Mess up the holiday and you might mess up the relationship even more.
I believe you are still slightly unstable in your emotions/thoughts at the moment. Don't think of divorce etc so easily and quickly. Sometimes decisions made during times when the mind is not thinking properly turns out to be the decisions ppl regret for life.
Do you think you could go see the Christian pastor, and ask him just what they are teaching her?
Be understanding that religion is good, and that God wants harmony between people. When religion produces this kind of results, something is wrong. Ask him to counsel her.
This is dangerous, as if your wife finds out you have talked to the pastor, she might explode into rage. The pastor would also attempt to convert you!
You can't make any headway if the Christians keep teaching her to observe human rituals (so that she can go to heaven), instead of understanding the message of God so that she can have peace of the heart, mind and soul.
It is a good to hear that you are back and on talking terms with your wife. You may have accepted her decision, and most probably your love for her is stronger than any religion can pull you apart.
And with that power of love, comes the strength to deal with her new found faith, that may perhaps had been a rock of stability and strength to her as well, while you were still attempting to sort our your life.
Try to understand her beliefs. This is not asking you to adopt her faith. Only by comprehension will you gain knowledge to understand her and to convince her, not force her ( control ) to your way of perceptions again.
Christians do respect their elders and those whom passed on. But perhaps she is still new to the faith, and thus the fear of stepping into a temple even if without a joss-stick?
It would take a lot of understanding and maturity on the aspect of religions. What may be acceptable to one could be strange to another. Besides, there are many more ways to respect our beloved passed on elders than to step into a temple.
They may had given up their mortal flesh, but their memories and teachings will always live in our hearts. And it is in our heart that they will achieve immortality, more so if we follow what they request us to do before passing on, when possible.
My plea to you is to not hold it against her over this matter, or any other matter, but to give you support and understanding, that is, if you truly love and need her. The choice is still yours to make, and there will be many misunderstandings later on even. Thing is, are you ready to accept and prepare to weather storms ahead which will come, and the beautiful calm seas, which too will come, as it does to everyone in life?
All mainstream religions never teaches a family to break up. It is only leading by example does one follow another. If a religions teaches one to kill, I am sure no sane person will want to follow, but if the religion teaches tolerance, patience, love and compassion, others will willingly follow.
So now the ball is in your court. A tip - Acrimony, quarells, condemnation of others, misunderstandings, ignorance, etc, will not win over others.
Marriage is sacred, more so yours that lasted the test of time for a solid 23 years. It is precious and gives hope to our younger generation.Good luck
I am now wondering if I still love her. But the thought of divoce and family break-up ached in the middle of my heart. How can someone so understanding, loving and caring suddenly become so heartless ?
I am sure she is also holding on to the marriage as my youngest son is only 12 years old. The thought of even losing him is killing me. I love my son too much to give up him. I am now prepared to lose my wife. I think I had already lost her. I tried to save the marriage but things happen. Suddenly I realised I don't even want to hold her hand anymore.
Common sense will tell you for any other religion, there is always the respect for the dead. Why can't she just step in and give me that little comfort ? I am really at a lost. Maybe I am not in the right thought now as I can't think properly. I know with this kind of attitude, my holiday will be ruin. I won't say I don't care because I really care. I want my family back. Yes, the ball is with me but I am finding it very difficult to pick the ball up and take control of it.
For a moment I thought thing have improved. Maybe I shouldn't had gone to the temple. Thing would not be too bad. I am now very tempted to call her boss and asked him why he had converted my wife and what did he say to her that made her what she is today. The only reason I hold back is I do not want the matter to escalate into a situation where I cannot control or rather we cannot control.
I am still lost. . . . . . . . . . .
Originally posted by mancha:Do you think you could go see the Christian pastor, and ask him just what they are teaching her?
Be understanding that religion is good, and that God wants harmony between people. When religion produces this kind of results, something is wrong. Ask him to counsel her.
This is dangerous, as if your wife finds out you have talked to the pastor, she might explode into rage. The pastor would also attempt to convert you!
You can't make any headway if the Christians keep teaching her to observe human rituals (so that she can go to heaven), instead of understanding the message of God so that she can have peace of the heart, mind and soul.
All religion teaches us to do good. But ... sigh ....... if I approached the pastor, that would definately be the end of everything. I am not worried that the pastor can convert me but rather, the whole situation would turn ugly.
And yes, you are right, if I go to the pastor, she will go into a rage. That is why I say it will be the end. Maybe I should and have it ended there and then, once and for all.
maybe it's best to set aside your differences in faith and religion, and enjoy the holiday first. seems to me your emotions and reactions are susceptible to vast changes within a short span of time.
It is understandable that you will feel lost at this moment. You are going thru a traumatic moment in your life, a life which just a few months ago you thought you had full control.
But you dont have to feel lost and freak out over your lost of control. Many things are happening which there is very often no guidebook, 10 year series, etc to help. You feel you are at the deepend with no life bouy, and sinking further with each step you struggle.
It need not be this way, for the reality of a guidebook lies within you. It is the priority in life that you are fully committed for, something that you strongly believe in, and will defend with your life, no matter come hell or highwater.
You only need to know what is or are your priorities, and at the same time, must realize a need for compromises. No one likes to compromise and rather have the entire cake and eat it, but usually the cake is big enough to share around.
I will attempt to hazard a guess for simplification sake instead of beating around the bush. I could be wrong. Your priority in life is your children and your wife. Children are easier to compromise, because they need both mother and father. You and your wife can share your kids, and do what is necessary to defend and protect them, even if compromises - such as accepting changes within your partner, moral ones.
As for your wife, you are not losing her to another man. It is only to a religion, a moral one that teaches a person to be a good. We all pray to the same almighty anyway, just that the approaches are different.
Some call laksa as katong laksa, penang laksa, indonesia laksa, etc. Some eat with hands, some eat it with chopsticks, some eat it with soupspoon, etc. In the end, it is still laksa - rice noodles served in a bowl of thick spicy gravy with veggies and prawns or fishball.
The first step to rehabilition of self - know what are your priorities, and do whatever that is necessary to acheive it. It is your life, of which you can determine the outcome.
tks. ...
Originally posted by ORIGAMIST:
All religion teaches us to do good. But ... sigh ....... if I approached the pastor, that would definately be the end of everything. I am not worried that the pastor can convert me but rather, the whole situation would turn ugly.And yes, you are right, if I go to the pastor, she will go into a rage. That is why I say it will be the end. Maybe I should and have it ended there and then, once and for all.
well, what if U and Ur wife make an appt to consult the pastor. Be an open book, & talk to the pastor and ur concerns/worries.Now, I am not asking you to convert, but with the pastor's experience, maybe he can share what's best for you and wife. Also, U are showing ur wife you care for the relationship, and u want it back. However, I do urge you to go with an open mind. Don't pin blames and only use the temple incident to highlight ur discomfort but not ur wife's fault.
Lastly, Why are you so eager to end it if U really want to save it? U can't both let go and graps something, can you? if U really want ur life back, then save it, do your best. Stop this negative talk about ending it, and etc.
I am not willing to give up ... but I was very dis-appointment with my wife ... suddendly like it is the end of everything . My father was my motivator, my greatest love and the person I respected most.
When he was around, I prayed that he will live longer and I was will to trade my life for his longiveity. So how can my partner ignored my father? The thing is I am not forceing her to change her faith just for me, but respect for the dead cannot be ignored by any religion.
I was very very upset. So much so I wanted to give it all up. I had tried so much and I was hoping the short holiday can change her. To convince her I still give her the pirority. But I cannot ignored the fact that she is not respecting my father.
I don't know ... I am very confused right now ... till this morning I had done nothing. I just cannot concentrate on my work. I just want to go home and sleep. at least when I am alseep, I do not feel anything. I will not touch liquor as that's could only spell more trouble. I hope to keep a clear mind... I am still lost ... I cannot stand, cannot sit ... cannot do anything right now ... I thought thing have been better ... shucked ... now I am confused ...
Originally posted by ORIGAMIST:I am not willing to give up ... but I was very dis-appointment with my wife ... suddendly like it is the end of everything . My father was my motivator, my greatest love and the person I respected most.
When he was around, I prayed that he will live longer and I was will to trade my life for his longiveity. So how can my partner ignored my father? The thing is I am not forceing her to change her faith just for me, but respect for the dead cannot be ignored by any religion.
I was very very upset. So much so I wanted to give it all up. I had tried so much and I was hoping the short holiday can change her. To convince her I still give her the pirority. But I cannot ignored the fact that she is not respecting my father.
I don't know ... I am very confused right now ... till this morning I had done nothing. I just cannot concentrate on my work. I just want to go home and sleep. at least when I am alseep, I do not feel anything. I will not touch liquor as that's could only spell more trouble. I hope to keep a clear mind... I am still lost ... I cannot stand, cannot sit ... cannot do anything right now ... I thought thing have been better ... shucked ... now I am confused ...
please don't allow the stress and unhappiness you're facing to damage ur physical and mental health. i'm not advocating drugs and alcohol as the easy way out but if it helps you to relax and unwind, small doses on a weekend wouldn't hurt.
our mind and body need rest and relaxation, even more so when u're constantly overwhelmed by problems and mulling over worst case scenarios.
when it comes to respecting ur dad, if she has done her part as a daughter in law in the past when he was well and alive, is it a tad unfair to discount all her past efforts just because of this recent incident?
ya, you are right .. I shouldn't had judged her for one action. But it is a sign of things to come isn't it ? I am worried ... of course I used to tell people, why worry over something that have yet to come .? It is easiler said than done ..
Yes. The loss of someone whom had been special and important in our lives is a tragic blow. Some find it hard to let go. But they are only mortals, with a limited life span on Earth.
That they had been able to of been an influence to you, and had seen their result during their lifetime, the passed on would have been proud, as your father would have been proud of you and your achievements.
They will always be cherished and treasured. In our sacred heart will their memories gain immortality, by their words and their deeds. There is no other more worthy place to hold them then in our precious hearts, where they will live, for in your blood does your father lives, he who had given you life and guidance.
Given how devoted you are to your father, it is not difficult to see how you presently feel towards your wife, that you would take it as a sign of disrepect over the current discomfort you are feeling.
No 2 human beings think or feels alike, this you must realize. Your wife is not and never will be a mirror image of you, of how you feel or think. In your current state, you feel slighted over the temple incident.
But it has a deeper root resentment, and it lies with her choice of religion, of which the reality is that you feel you have lost control and hold over her, a weakness you seemed determined not to admit.
Yesterday was the temple incident, today will be something else, and tomorrow, who knows? What is holding you back from quitting is the love of 23 years and your kids.
Till you acknowledge that you had inadverdently created a void and vacuum in her life, a lonely life that made her turn to another religion for comfort and solace, you will ALWAYS be in confusion, as she embraces her new practices.
Question is, do you seek for control, to determine her life once again, or do you love her enough to let her be free to find moral comfort and solace, as you patienly rebuild your self confidence and life?
We all have freedom of choices in life being adults. Once you had made your choice, you must never regret. It is often easy to call it quits. You will regain your supposed freedom. But what is freedom if it entails an emptiness in your heart forever, that can never be filled by anyone else, one that is of 23 years and with flesh and blood of your own?
Patience is needed. Never let one or a few setbacks make you quit. Love and trust needs time to rebuild, and it isnt gonna happen overnight. That you think it should happen overnight only means that you are still trapped in the depression state you had sunk. You need to get out of it.
Only patience for your environment and confidence in yourself will help you. Nothing else will. It is your precious life, of whom many, even the dead, still care about and loves you.
TS,
I don't mean to berate u. from all your outpouring(s) it is so very palpable that the foundations(s) that u think that u have (had) n interpret as being 'strong' is so shaky. Why? Cos, it is false lar. By that I mean it is simply all the beliefs, values on ...... add on, was never from within u. Whatever that u had expereicned was what was told to u - eg, 'what is a 'good' wife', 'what is a 'good' husband' or what is 'respect' or what is 'religion', what is 'life' .... add on. In other words, all that you are now is a by-product of your conditioning n beliefs. It is acquired not an existential experience of yours.
Now that things in the homstead are 'changing' - u find it hard to grapple or handle what IS.
Of course, your wife is equally in the same predicament as u are in now. She seems oblivious to that aspect in her.
Please understand this lar - it is not rite/wrong of u or her to feel but the lack of understanding of oneself that causes all the misery and suffering.
Maturing is growing up - an inward process, ie, one grows inward, one goes into oneself and one moves to the centre. Centre - my meaning is the primal source of what u are. One ages, but one is not weary or tired - on the contrary, one is graciously aging. The beliefs are unlimiting
Growing old - is holding on to the past, memories (of 'good'/'bad), traditions, beliefs and so on so forth. One would feel weary and tired when one ages! It is a burden - not visible but one carrries within oneself. The beliefs are limiting.
One can 'do' to change but one can never 'do' to transform, one has to be ... so are u being loving now?, are u being kind now? .... add one.
Acknowledgin, understanding and accepting and being alert to what one is or what is - one can n may transform oneself and be a catalyst for another or ... Otherwise, one changes or the change is superficial n what is latent will surface!
Another approach to your predicament is to look at what's the worst thing that can happen.
Lets say, you both go your seperate ways.
She to her Christian fellowship. You?
You can be born again too!
Accept the change and take up the challenge.
Look forward. You can do things that you were not able to do previously.
Don't lament that the future will not be like the past any more.
You are frightened by only one thing, and that is change.
Change is coming and you are frightened.
Fear plus self-depreciation. That is your depression.
Overcome fear by enhancing yourself, by bettering yourself.
Love yourself. Be a better person.
Ya... guess you guys are right. I am afraid of change. The past is gone but linger only as memories .. I want to hold on to the past and live with the happy moment. Will the future bring me happiness, we don't know ... will the past actually bring happiness in the future, we too do not know ... oh what is happening to me ?? I used to embrace changes and I tell my people we must accept change. But I am now, confronted with change, is hiding from the true world.
I wake up with tears on my eyes, not that I cried but there are just tear and my heart heavy. Perhaps depression is fooling me. I used to tell my children and staff. Everyday we have a choice - to be happy or not to be happy. We choose it and not chosen by other people. I have been choosing un-happiness. I tell myself I must remain positive but the surrounding do not allow me to be positive. Things is happening and I am afraid I am losing the war.
I just cannot work. I cannot concentrate. I declared half day and closes the office. I went home and spent my time in front of the TV. Only in front of the TV will my mind be occupied. But I cannot on the TV 24 hours. I just hope I can find something that is like the TV to keep me occupied. I don't want to think anymore. I am very tired. very very tired. The more I think, the more I sink.
Your words of encourgement helped. But the moment I turnd away from th screen, I am depressed. I stll cannot let it go. I still can't accept the truth although I wanted to. It is so difficult.
TS,
Cogitate/Muse over this:
One's room is drenched darkness; one wants the darkness to go away. One can do any/every thing in one's power to push it out, beat it . ..but one is going to still fail. Strangely, one is defeated by sth which does not exist. Exhausted, one's mind assumes that the darkness is so powerful that it beyond ones'capacity to dispel it, to expel it. But it is in this conclusion that one is headed in the 'wrong' direction.
A small candle has to be brought in. One does not have to push it out, beat it . . or even 'kill' the darkness. One does not even have to fight with it. Just bringing in the small candle n the darkness is nowhere to be found. Not that the darkness goes out - it can't go out, cos in the first place it does not exist n never existed. Neither was it in nor does it go out. It exists wherever there is an absence of understanding!
The 'light' comes in, the 'light' goes out; it is positively existential. One can light a candle and there is no darkness; one can blow out the candle and there is darkness. To do anything with darkness, one has to do sth with light - yes, it sounds strange n very illogical, but what can one do? Such is the nature of things.
The ego is darkness, (a mirage in/of one's mind) - one cannot 'surrender' to it or kill it or even drop it. - only bringing in the light ( one's oasis of understanding) can one be free or is freed (self-realization) from the insidious clutches of the EGO!
PS - the truth is not hurting nor are the changes it is the impending death of the EGO!