Originally posted by Louis dave36:I dunno if I can use the word hate, but I cannot stand the sight and sound of my mom. she is in her early 70s, stubborn, talks loud and is not a hygienic person. she embarrased me when I was young and she could not keep secrets. I have learned my lesson, not to tell her anything, less my relatives and her friends know about it.
when she cooks, the kitchen is a mess after that. you can see rice, meat and dunno what shit on the floor. the sink is also likewise, with rice, vege or some meat lying around.
I dun like to talk to her, cos she talked loudly (as if quarrelling), nag and nag at dunno what shit. she go complain to relatives that I am not telling her anything and my relatives came to ask me, how come your mom does not know what you are doing. why should I, after what I was embarrased as a child. she once said, I want to know what you are thinking and I was like wtf. what arrogance and thinking was that. you do not tell me anything about yourself, except for the old grandmother stories.
I have no feelings for her no more cos I have had it, from teens to adulthood. when she come home, I go back to my bedroom and turn on the tv volume loud. why I buy a tv in my room so that I dun have to see her in the living room anymore.
Dude, you didn't mention anything about your father. Where is he ?
Is your mom a single mom ?
Your mother is in her 70s, when was the last time you sent her for a physical/mental checkup ? Do you know at this age.. they are prone to old age disease and mental illness ?
And do you know what is her health condition so far ? Perhaps her ears are not working well that's why she talks loud. Perhaps she is emotionaly very lonely that's why she wants to be part of your life. Perhaps she has low self-esteem and that's why she gossips to the relatives. Have you considered all these ? She has needs too, bro.
Are you the only son ?
You complain you don't have a good relationship with your mother, but let me ask you this.. have you been taking care of her ? If you have not , then why are you envious about other people's mother ?
Sure, you don't like some of her out landish behavior, but have you talked to her politely about it before ? You are in your 30s, it's time you grow up.
Do you expect your mother to give you love, when you have withheld your love from her ? Ain't work that way bro.
Bro, your mom is already 70s she don't have much time already. Think about it , ya ?
in my opinion, there is no need to be filial. just carry out your responsibilty of supporting your parents. as for treatment-wise, how they treat you when ur young, you treat them back the same way. treat is as pay back time, judgement time for their past misdeeds.
just give them allowance so that they won't starve, and you would have carried out your obligations to support them. social-wise, there isn't any need to see them at all.
i guess your mother didn't do a great job bonding with you when you were young....a lesson to many parents who think they can just lord over their offsprings....however despite that, you need to do the humane thing which is to provide for her just as she did for you...hopefully if and when you should have a child of your own you would have learned a valuable lesson on how to raise your own young.......
Originally posted by fireng:
erm I don't talk much with my mom but I don't hate her. We each live our own life don't care each other.
Are you the only child? If yes the house will definetly go to you unless she wants to give to her siblings..
you and your mom can't get along? bad blood when young, or simply can't see eye to eye with her?
Originally posted by Rooney9:you and your mom can't get along? bad blood when young, or simply can't see eye to eye with her?
just nothing in common to talk about lah
Originally posted by fireng:just nothing in common to talk about lah
does she nag at you? do you still have feelings for her?
TS, do u really think what u did when u are young are correct like going out to 7-11 eleven after midnite? Who's parent will not be worry? U never even inform them and just go out. How can they don't fret for u?
Yes, she may be making a mess when cooking but what she cooked is for u. Don't tell me u never in yr life eat a single meal cook by her? U may hate her way of doing but at least take into consideration she is cooking a meal for u. Cos u are her son.
It's ok if u want to avoid talking to her. At least, don't hate her. She is yr mum after all.
I know there is some bastard parent who smoke in front of their infant children. Don't even bother abt their life and death. Never even bother to cook a simple meal for them. Not to mention support them and send them to school. They don't even teach them anything what is right and wrong and just let them rot.
Originally posted by deathmaster:in my opinion, there is no need to be filial. just carry out your responsibilty of supporting your parents. as for treatment-wise, how they treat you when ur young, you treat them back the same way. treat is as pay back time, judgement time for their past misdeeds.
just give them allowance so that they won't starve, and you would have carried out your obligations to support them. social-wise, there isn't any need to see them at all.
dun u think thats very sad? when u look at other children who have good relationship with their moms dun u feel envious?
please dun take such an attitude towards your parents - just do the bare minimum give them allowance to survive, no need to care for them or be filial?!?
no matter what they gave birth and raised u instead of shirking their responsibility and throwing you at the roadside. all parents love their children, especially mothers since they gave birth to their kids. Although sometimes as Asians they don't express love in ways we prefer them to. I notice in SG, many kids who are the youngest seem to have better relationship with their parents than the eldest child. Parenting is a skill that shouldn't be assumed to be God-given in everyone. It requires experience. Many parents do a bad job with the oldest child and with practice, become better parents with the younger and youngest child.
respect ur parents man... she is the one who take care of u since young. without her u will not be here
Originally posted by Louis dave36:I admit and never deny that I am unfilial. not that I do not want to be unfilial, but how to respect and be filial to her. she doesnt command my respect. plus she is sibeh superstitious and ultra KPO.
when I was younger in the 90s, when I left house to go down to 7-11 to buy things to eat at midnight, she open the door and came out to see where I was going. my old flat is only 5 storey high then.
I remembered once I left house at 2-3am to go out, she also came out and open the door to see where I am going. I was like wtf man.
I always locked my bedroom, if not, she will come into my room. Simply I cannot stand her.
Its very common for mothers to do this stand by balcony thing and watch the kids go out when it's late. My mom do that all the time, and I remember griping about her "spying on me" with much annoyance. There was even once, I turned back and saw her standing by her bedroom window staring while I drove out of the house, I could even see her trying to hide behind the curtains as she spied me so that she won't be seen! Once I was super irritated, I stopped to call her on my hp and gave her a lashing and accused of "spying on me". The difference? I did this and felt this way when I was 18.
I went overseas to study at 19 and when I came back for breaks between 19 to 23, and whenever i drove out of the house late, she'd still stand by her bedroom window and spy on me if i went out past midnight, and still hiding behind her curtains even though it's futile since the curtains aren't opaque enough to cover a person's silhouette completely!
Today I am in my mid 20s and love my mom to bits and I know when she's being kaypoh, 'ji po', is because she cares for her son.
Don't you think you are behaving and thinking like a big baby when you're in your 30s? When you see people married sweetly serving tea to their parents on their wedding day dun u feel sad that you dun even have a remotely civil relationship with your mom?
Scratch beneath the surface of the supposed hate, I bet you're a big fat bawling baby struggling with feelings of rejection and hate because you wish your mother would love you the way you want her to.
aiya mummy are like that.. if your mum dont care about you, she will not be bother about you.. you must appreciate what she had done for you and not hate her.. be good to your mum and everything would be fine..
you cannot say your mum until so bad.. maybe you two are in different world due to different generation.. so you just have to bear with your mum and not dislike her for what she is..
you can try talking to your mum about the problem or go for some counselling if the problem is real serious..
Originally posted by CannyOng:TS, do u really think what u did when u are young are correct like going out to 7-11 eleven after midnite? Who's parent will not be worry? U never even inform them and just go out. How can they don't fret for u?
Yes, she may be making a mess when cooking but what she cooked is for u. Don't tell me u never in yr life eat a single meal cook by her? U may hate her way of doing but at least take into consideration she is cooking a meal for u. Cos u are her son.
It's ok if u want to avoid talking to her. At least, don't hate her. She is yr mum after all.
I know there is some bastard parent who smoke in front of their infant children. Don't even bother abt their life and death. Never even bother to cook a simple meal for them. Not to mention support them and send them to school. They don't even teach them anything what is right and wrong and just let them rot.
do you think I feel good about being unfilial? but really I cant stand her. I dun eat what she cooked for many years already. she cooked for my sister and herself. I was already in my 20s when I went to 7-11 to buy stuff, just for a while. she was already sleeping when I went out, but when I go out, she come out to see where I was going. you dunno how kpo a person she is lar. I admit I have my kponess inherited from her, as I myself is also a kpo person, sigh.
some parents are worse off then my mom, that I must admit, but they are also wonderful parents as well.
the reason I dun speak to her is this. she tend to nag and nag, go off topic, go on and on, and speak very loudly as if quarelling, not to mention no common topic or interest to talk about. When I was young, I heard her gossip alot on people's back, including her friends, colleagues, relatives and even my dad. she is also defensive and wont admit her own mistakes. even my sister is becoming like her, sigh. her lack of hygiene really pisses me off. her own room and masterbedroom toilet is really messy and dirty. oh one thing, she is extremely stingy. when I was young, we were going home from a relatives place and missed the last bus, so when we reached home at midnight and she paid off the cab fare, she scolded at me and I think it was the cab fare she paid. this is just one example of her stingyness. When I was hospitalised for a few days, she came to visit me. once she told me, if not cos of your hosptilisation, I could have earned for not selling the shares. imagine your mom telling you this. I didnt react at that time, as it was usual for her to speak like that. dun blame me for not being nice and filial to her for speaking to me like that. the only way we spoke when I was young, were she scolding and nagging at me to study and eat. she also said lots of things to me, like when she gave birth to me, how she wish to have given birth to an egg and eat it. she also said, as she gave birth to me, she has the right to beat me to death.
Originally posted by insidestory:Its very common for mothers to do this stand by balcony thing and watch the kids go out when it's late. My mom do that all the time, and I remember griping about her "spying on me" with much annoyance. There was even once, I turned back and saw her standing by her bedroom window staring while I drove out of the house, I could even see her trying to hide behind the curtains as she spied me so that she won't be seen! Irritated, I called her on my hp and gave her a lashing and accused of "spying on me".
The difference? I did this and felt this way when I was 18. I went overseas to study at 19 and when I came back for breaks between 19 to 23, and whenever i drove out of the house late, she'd still stand by her bedroom window and spy on me if i went out past midnight, and still hiding behind her curtains even though it's futile since the curtains aren't opaque enough to cover a person's silhouette completely!
Today I am in my mid 20s and love my mom to bits and I know when she's being kaypoh, 'ji po', is because she cares for her son.
Don't you think you are behaving and thinking like a big baby when you're in your 30s? When you see people married sweetly serving tea to their parents on their wedding day dun u feel sad that you dun even have a remotely civil relationship with your mom?
Scratch beneath the surface of the supposed hate, I bet you're a big fat bawling baby struggling with feelings of rejection and hate because you wish your mother would love you the way you want her to.
even an animal know how to luv their parents....
but TS, just remember, what goes around comes around......
sounds like your mum is crazy.. very possessive about you.. i think you mum over do it at times..
anyway the main thing is that you dont like your mum so why not move out? dont depend on your mum anymore..
if you cant then you just have to bear with your mum as the fact that you still need her and she is still your mum afterall.. right?
Originally posted by Fs4751:
even an animal know how to luv their parents....
but TS, just remember, what goes around comes around......
the animal kingdom proved that the mother will protect its cubs very aggressively. but when the cubs grow up and became an adult, both the mother and cubs split up to live their own separate lives. Yes I know retribution. the feelings I have is already retribution. I am always glum looking and seldom smile cos of the hate that is consuming me. I know its bad, but I simply cant stand her. I know this sounds very bad, but it sums up my feelings I have for her. at my deathbed, the only person I do not want to see is her. the reason is simple, she disturb my peace of mind very greatly.
well you seem to agree that even animals care for their cubs, but you use animals leaving the herd to justify your unfilial treatment to your mother. Are you saying that you are no better than an animal? humans are superior to animals because of our ability to think rationally. I guess you're admitting that you're really no different from an animal.
Your mom may have spoken harsh words to you when you were a kid. A lot of Asian parents do that, its a cultural thing. But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
Hi Louis dave36
My experience and feeling is that the WWII generation has all or some of the attributes you described.
I believe many if us here do have one or some relative with characters like that or even worse.
It is a passing generation, we have to bear with it.
Originally posted by ColdSnowyIce:sounds like your mum is crazy.. very possessive about you.. i think you mum over do it at times..
anyway the main thing is that you dont like your mum so why not move out? dont depend on your mum anymore..
if you cant then you just have to bear with your mum as the fact that you still need her and she is still your mum afterall.. right?
cos I dun talk to her, the more she wants to know what I am doing and what I am thinking. she is also very attached to my sister and when my sister comes home late, she will call her and nag at her. got a few times, when she called my hp and when I picked up she hung up. I called back to say who called and it was an old lady who spoke. No guesses who called me.
alot of people also asked me, why I treated my mom like that. she also said she could not understand why I dun like her. I have already told her I cant stand her dirtiness a million times, and still she is not hygienic. U know what she told me when I was a child lol. the finger nails is the symbol of wealth. she told me plenty of grandmother tales like this. this really showed how illiterate and out of touch with reality. I got my superstitious from her I suppose.
I was afflicted with OCD when I was a teen cos of the canings I got from my female tutor when I was in pri school. She was recommended this tutor from my cousin. I think the tutor is not qualified to teach, as all she does is to buy workbooks for me to do and then read up the answers from the back given. she also made me read the textbooks word for word. the word she pronounced are not accurate lol. she gave me tonnes of homework every week and as I was a playful child, sometimes I didnt do it and was caned by her. She uses the cane to control me and in my first year tutored by her, I already exhibit some wierd behaviours like kowtowing to the idol at the altar (I wasnt sure what I was kowtowing for), but I suppose its for protection against the caning. I heard my mom told her, cane him for all you like and she was from the old school. later my mom recommended to my neighbours the tutor and they employed her to teach my friend. she caned my friend so badly one day, her father was so pissed off that he wanted to sue her. I had cane marks all over my hands and legs, yet my mom chose to do nothing. all my friends asked me was that my parents who caned me and I replied no. this went on from primary 5 to sec 2, not 1 or 2 years but the whole damn 4 years of caning. When I completed my PSLE, I was not yet afflicted with OCD, but I did showed some symptoms of it. it was only when I was in sec 1 and 2 that my mom noticed I behaved strangely. she brought me to see the shrink, yet she has no idea what caused this. all this while the tutor was gainly employed by her. I was caned very seriously in sec 1 when I wasnt doing very well in mid year exams. horror of horrors, she asked her to teach my younger sister and my sister was also caned by her in front of me. thankfully my sister was only tutored for a short period of time. then when I was in sec 2 and became stronger and taller than her, when she caned me, I hold on to the cane and stopped her and I can see she is a bit shocked. then I exploded once when she caned me and I shouted at her. Till this day, I dunno why I didnt do that earlier. she got shocked and stopped teaching me lol.
When I spoke to her when I was in my 20s, she told me why hasnt I told her about the caning and the stress she caused. I was like hello, my friends can spot the cane marks on my hands and legs and you cant? in fact when she caned me, a few times was done in front of her. remmeber my neighbour's friend whose father threatened to sue her? she jolly well knows about it. I think as I was very naughty as a child, she wants the tutor to cane me to be obedient. so when she said why I didnt told her about it, imagine the anger I had in me. I knew that she is one who wont admit her own mistakes. there are people in this world who wont admit their mistakes and blame others for it. sadly she is one.
Hallo.....
My condolences.....
I sympathize with your predicament...
However after reading your posts I am able to get several veiwpoints which I want to share with you....
Hopefully that can help you a bit.....
In my opinion, you are now at a stage in life where you need more personal space and independence for yourself.....and thusly, the presence of your seemingly overbearing mother disturbs your inner balance.....
Since you are already in your 30s, it seems that on one hand, you want to be alone, independent, but on the other hand, your old mother and her particular personality is hovering around, or interfering with you......
I think this is the basic underlying fundamental problem.....
Another issue is that, it seems you did not have a good relations or a good bond with your mother......
First I want to give you some suggestions....
Regarding independence / interference thingy....
Well...I dont know what is the most suitable solution for this....my recommendation is for you to move out on your own.....if this is not practical, then make it practical.....for example you can rent...
Another point I want to say.....you need to understand some things and then come to inner peace....the way to inner peace is to be more understanding of other people and situations....
For example, she has her own personality, quirks, habits, etc, just like everybody else, and since you live in close contacts, those quirks may be irritating to you, because your life experiences and outlook is different from her.....
You are a product of your environment....your childhood and growing up years are different than hers.......and thusly now you have become someone who likes order and neatness (as you say), and your personality may also be the opposite from hers in general.....but you dont need to begrudge or hate her and her personality.....
You need to accept and embrace the role of a mother, and accept some things which you may find irritating, but actually can be not irritating if you open up, and not close yourself.
The reason is all due to distance, and not accepting the role of a mother.
Once you find inner peace, and open up yourself to welcome her, and be more understanding to her, then her quirks will be insignificant and trivial to you, it wont be so irritating anymore, and things like being a "busybody" is also something which you will see as "normal" or "natural" or "expected".
So you see here, the problem is that there is a mismatch,
You want to be left alone, want to be independent, and you close yourself, keep a distance, and this problem is compounded with your lifelong lack of bond with your mother.
I do think you need to move a bit to the center.....make some movements.....it's not all your mother's fault....
You need to moderate yourself, inside your heart, deal with your issues and your baggage.....
Now you are an adult, 30s year old, you should take some control, at least supposedly you can control of yourself better, with better EQ and maturity....
So thats my first suggestion to you, is to moderate yourself, open yourself, and move to the center a bit....make a movement....deal with your issues....take some time to think about this....
Secondly, I wouldnt say it should all be your work and yours only....I would say your environment probably contribute to this situation.....so I think it's best that you move out.....and do that....
If you move out, that will remove more than 50% of the basic issues, because then you can be more independent, comfortable, and be yourself, on your own.
However dont just take that solution on its own, you need to solve the first problem too.
So move out, and then take some time to think about your issues, come to inner peace, and remember to visit her often, and make a reconciliation....
Ok good luck.
*Hmm...just want to add on a bit..
I just saw your latest post on the caning stuff...and OCD....
Can I give you a suggestion, and this is serious....
Listen to me, and listen to me carefully.
Dont carry it in your heart......dont find excuses....OCD.....unhappy childhood....
If you do that, you will never progress, you will never move on....
Stop blaming OCD....stop blaming your unhappy childhood.....it's time that you take control, take the steering wheel, dont just look back and hold grudges.....it's pointless, and it's irresponsible....
Forget them.....learn some lessons, so that you will be a better father to your future children.....Many people also have unhappy childhood, dont hold on to it and make it such a big deal.....remember, this is also for your own sake....
Ok, good luck
intially I didnt hated her, but these things build up everyday I suppose, the irritation and frustrations. I have told and scolded her the mess she created in the kitchen a zillion times, but to no avail. I remembered when she told me when I was a child, people need to tell you things once and you follow them. sadly she herself didnt practise what she preaches. My stubborness also inherited from her, as she is very stubborn. no amount of words or scoldings will have any effect on her. often I rued on the genes I inherited from her.
Since I bought a tv in my bedroom, I watched tv in bedroom and seldom go out to the living room to avoid her. as my room is opposite my sister's room, she often go to my sister's room to watch tv or chat with her. she did this on purpose that, when she come out from my sister room while my sister is inside, she will stand outside the door and talked loudly with my sister. I told her, can you stay in the room and talked as much as you like and not outside as you are talking very loudly, as I was watching tv. her voice is even louder than the volume of my tv and I was irritated as I oculd not concentrate on the programme. told and shouted at her many times, but to no avail. once she even asked, why I buy a tv in my bedroom and I told her upfront, so as to avoid seeing you. in a nutshell, you cant speak to her nicely and properly without exploding. she is too stubborn to heed what you said. she even has the cheek to asked me why I dun like her. I dun think she pays attention to what you even said at all. this is not it.
when I was watching tv in the living room before I bought a tv in my bedroom. I was watching tv in the living room and I can see her bedroom door opened and then closed without her stepping out. I was not amused by this and told her so. still she does it many a time to no avail.
she even has the cheek to say, luckily my sis is not afflicted by OCD. I doubt she even know what OCD is. to this I say to her, cos your daughther is only tutored for a short period of time. you can imagine the anger inside me when she remarked this. To my tutor I can only say this, I owed you in my past live and in this lifetime, you come to claim your dues from me for the sufferings I afflicted on you in my past lives. as for my mom, its all the accumulated stuff borned all these years that I began to hate her. I dun hate her in the beginning.
Hi Louis dave36
For OCD, you need to follow up with a psychiatrist.
Trust me on this. I may not be a psychologist or a psychiatrist but I have worked for a long period of time in a clinical setting with these group of professionals before.
OCD, until you even realize it, would have been wacking havoc for a period in your life.
Originally posted by 4sg:Hi Louis dave36
For OCD, you need to follow up with a psychiatrist.Trust me on this. I may not be a psychologist or a psychiatrist but I have worked for a long period of time a clinical setting with these group of professionals before.
OCD, until you even realize it, would have been wacking havoc for a period in your life.
yes basically what the doctor said is the brain chemical inbalances in the brain like a short circuit. there are no known cure for it.
there are lots of bad thoughts in the mind at every one moment. You have to do something, like maybe washing your hands, or make a sound to make the bad thoughts go away. when i was younger, I washed my hands for a long time. now I dun. checking is another symptoms of OCD. checking as in, your lock the door already, but you wonder if you have indeed lock the door and then check the doorknob if you have lock the door. sometimes you have wash the dishes cleanly, but you reckon its not yet washed thoroughly and continue to wash them for some time. I have tried to brush these thoughts away, to no avail. I even told myself its irrational thoughts, but somehow you just cant stop it.
Why dont you take medication.
Originally posted by Veggie Bao:Why dont you take medication.
I got read that can try short circuit to your brain like electrical impulses therapy. this may lead you to lose some parts of your memory, also wont guarantee this may work. doctors said taking medication help, but I dun think so. taking after all these years also to no avail.
I am lucky my OCD is not as serious as others. you may see people in the street talking loudly to themselves or even smiling or shouting. I am a normal person outside, as I can control the thoughts. but once I am in my house, I exhibit my OCD symptoms as there are no one around, so I dun have to force myself to control it. to this diseases, I realise you need to control it 24/7 at all times, whether outside or inside the house. You may replace the irrational thoughts with other thoughts, it helps, but you need to make a lot of effort.