help me in my compo shool work plz!
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$10 i write new one. wan?
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hehe, in primary and secondary they always suggest using mindmap
i find them not useful for me
i just let the imagination flow -
ya agree... i nv do mind map de... on cases whereby my teacher force us to write a mindmap, i did not even follow it when i was writing my compo...Originally posted by laurence82:hehe, in primary and secondary they always suggest using mindmap
i find them not useful for me
i just let the imagination flow
anewae, thx everyone for all of your help with your comment thought didnt really help...
special thanks to laurence who help me throught the whole essay and he is the only one who help...
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actually, the story's quite alright, I can never write stories, yeah and I do have problems with number of words too. haha.
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$10 only, u pay me $10 i wouldnt wanna write.Originally posted by Ito_^:$10 i write new one. wan? -
you got alot of errors
especially tenses the most obvious
you should learn to use present tense when the need arise
just reading your 1st sentence
I sensed a pair of evil and furious eyes of a monster staring at me. That monster entered my wonderland and turned it into a nightmare, piercing my ear with his thunderous roar
there is already tenses errors this 3 word should be present tense for obvious reason
correct me if i am wrong
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Originally posted by popikachu:
Wah...
can someone help me out with this?
i got a compo which i need help as i am really bad in english...
can anyone help me edit it or saw any mistake like grammer or spelling mistake of mine? thx in advance.
the question for this compo is : write about a time when you gave your hard work but it was not appreciated.
k here it goes....
I sensed a pair of evil and [????]furious eyes of a monster staring at me. That monster entered my wonderland and turned it into a nightmare, (his shouts)piercing my ear with his thunderous roar. Actually, it was my teacher who caught me sleeping in his lesson again.
The reason i was sleeping in class is all because of McDonald. It was because (extra)of that week, where my (????)stall (wtf???)don't have enough crew, and (REPHRASE)called me to go back to help them. (REPHRASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)Thought i have a choice to chose whether to go or don't. I chose to help my manager.
I worked during the night shift, from (SMLJ?)sunset the day before till dawn the next day. I did not get enough sleep and went straight to school. A few teachers suggested that I quit my (JOB)work.However, (my family is short on money; so much so that I have to pay for my bills; like mobile and internet subscriptions)my family is so poor that I have to earn my own pocket money to pay for bills such as mobile and internet subscriptions.
At first, I managed to cope with my work as I only need [s]to[/s] work for two days per week. However, during one particular week, my outlet faced shortage of (STAFF)crew and I had to work everyday during that week.
It was after my end of year exams, so (KNN, REPHRASE THE WHOLE BLOODY SENTENCE)i don't need to worry about my studies for that year. So i went to help them. (capital at start of sentence???????)life is hard that week, (don't include such stuff if you don't know how to; it only turns out flat, LAME, and makes no bloody sense)'alice' who came from wonderland keep luring me to that land. My teacher keep staring at me, (SMLJ?????)hoping to roar at me when i doze off. Coffee seems to be the only remedy that can help me to stay awake.
After the tiring battle with my heavy (EYELIDS)eyes during school, i am only [b](why can't you just say "SLEEP"???????)allowed to go to the wonderland for two hour each day. after that i have to go to the outlet to help that nasty manager of mine to serve the unreasonable customer. I tried all my best to give my stall all my energy left within me.
After the third day of this suffering i couldn't take it anymore. I work with my eyes half closed, serving all the unreasonable customer with their unreasonable requests [s]they wanted[/s]. Trying my best to reach the 'sixty second each customer'
(explain; not everyone knows wtf that is) target with my last bit of energy.
It was the [b](please be less dramatic)toughest battle i ever fought in my life. It was more tiring than my physical training in my CCA, the NPCC. But they just don't appreciate me. they even scolded me for being slow in my service, not being attentive to the needs of my fellow colleagues. After all the help i gave them they said this to me( correct punctuation please).
Then i ask myself, why should i bother to help them at first? I helped them so much and they did not even say the word (THANK YOU)'thanks'.
The End
i got 450 word but the my teacher wants it 500 at least. i add alot of boring things inside to make the compo longer liao... but still not enough... and i think my ending sux... anyone can help plz? or if can add me in msn and teach me... my msn is [email protected]
Soong Wei Choong.........
Your english truly sucks; even after extensive correction and rephrasing, it will still barely even manage a PASS.
The backbone; the plot truly is primary school standard.
You need to brush up.
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---edit---
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me too me tooOriginally posted by _n00b_:i find mindmaps useless...for me...i go straight into compo writing...think as i write...but tt's for me... -
double post
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Originally posted by popikachu:
I suggest you concentrate on your grammar and sentence structure . It's abit whacked.
I felt a pair of evil and [b] angry eyes staring at me. It was that of a monster which entered my paradise. He pierced my ears with his thunderous roar and was starting to turn my dream into a nightmare. I was suddenly jostled awake by my classmate. My teacher was staring at me , his eyes filled with fury. He had caught me sleeping during his lesson again. (relate it back to the topic again)
I was sleeping in class is all because of my work in McDonald that week. My stall don't have enough crew, and called me to go back to help them. Although I had a choice to not to work that day, I chose to help my manager.
I was lacking sleep because I worked the night shift, from sunset till dawn. Sleep deprived, I went straight to school after work. A few teachers suggested kindly that I quit my work because it was affecting my studies. However , I had to earn my own pocket money to pay for bills such as mobile and internet subscriptions because my family could not afford such luxuries. (That is one heck of a lousy reason - no money don't get mobile or internet subscription)
At first, it was easy to balance my study with work. I had only needed to work for two days per week. However, my outlet faced shortage of crew and I had to work everyday of that week.
It was after my end of year exams, so my worries about my studies was forgotten for that year. Life felt horrible that week. I was so exhausted after work that I started to fall asleep without knowing it . My teacher was keeping tabs on me. Each time he saw me sleeping , he would roar at me at that opportune moment, snapping me out of my dreamland. Coffee was the only substance keeping me awake. ( write more abut coffee - and the feeling each time you drink it down)
It was torturous battling my heavy eyelids in order to keep my bloodshot eyes open. I was only allowed a peaceful sleep for two hours each day. After that precious two hours, i had to start my work at Macdonalds. My manager was nasty (expand on how nasty ). I also met unreasonable customers. I tried my hardest to keep on going.
After the third day of this torture, i couldn't take it anymore. I work with my eyes half closed, serving all the unreasonable customers with their unreasonable requests they wanted. I was trying my best to reach the 'sixty second each customer' target with my last bit of energy.
It was the toughest battle i ever fought in my life. It was more tiring than any physical training I have went through. I felt very unappreciated. My workplace just do not notice the efforts I have made to assist them in the time of a staff shortage. They even scolded me for being slow in my service and not paying attention to the needs of my fellow colleagues. I was not asking for much but a thankyou would have been nice instead of scoldings I received.
(Add on what you actually did in a shift , the unfairness u received etc etc)
The End
i got 450 word but the my teacher wants it 500 at least. i add alot of boring things inside to make the compo longer liao... but still not enough... and i think my ending sux... anyone can help plz? or if can add me in msn and teach me... my msn is [email protected] [/b]
Plus you are going out of topic with the first paragraph .. you need to bring it in line with your compo . It still feels abit disjointed when I read it. I agree with your teachers - quit your work. You need to concentrate on english.
I corrected as much as I could but I won't do your homework for you. -
dun write narrative liao le...muz train urself write exposition or discursive writing...man...i stop writing narrative when i was sec 2=/( partly becuz my vocab isnt that great and i have no ideas) this will not only train u for jc gp and also help u get higher marks
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soli ah.. last night i see no immediate reply then i go sleep le..
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k i am back...
but i didnt go sch today... oversleep... lol...
but i went my my cca... so guai right?
anewae... this compo haven pass up yet... -
isnt it pass tense for this whole essay?Originally posted by ghimpheng:you got alot of errors
especially tenses the most obvious
you should learn to use present tense when the need arise
just reading your 1st sentence
I sensed a pair of evil and furious eyes of a monster staring at me. That monster entered my wonderland and turned it into a nightmare, piercing my ear with his thunderous roar
there is already tenses errors this 3 word should be present tense for obvious reason
correct me if i am wrong
alot of people tell me to write pass tense leh...
why you are the only one who is different? -
generally you would use past tense, but like he said, write in present if need ariseOriginally posted by popikachu:isnt it pass tense for this whole essay?
alot of people tell me to write pass tense leh...
why you are the only one who is different? -
plot doesn't matter one. i got as writing some stupid plot dat pisses me off every time i think about it.Originally posted by missqi:Wah...
Soong Wei Choong.........
Your english truly sucks; even after extensive correction and rephrasing, it will still barely even manage a PASS.
The backbone; the plot truly is primary school standard.
You need to brush up. 
bt for grade, wad to do. -
If we put this composition at a larger picture. We can truely see that it has totally no conjunction with the topic itself. Why?
Working, Is'nt something they owe you. Is'nt something, You have to do. If you dont get appreciated, You are extremely tired, Thats your problem.
Why not you try putting something else, You said something regarding CCA. Why not you try putting your CCA, Instead of working? -
haha. we know missqi's english's is second to none. LOL! I pity the threadstarter. How pathetic. The future of S'poreans' English... sigh.Originally posted by missqi:Wah...
Soong Wei Choong.........
Your english truly sucks; even after extensive correction and rephrasing, it will still barely even manage a PASS.
The backbone; the plot truly is primary school standard.
You need to brush up.
Blame the Government, the education system; what a disgrace.
i digress with a tinge of sarcasm.
PLEASE SPEAK MORE MANDARIN! EITHER YOU SPEAK LIKE A PRC using 'suo wei....', 'su yu shuo...', idioms, etc or you f*ck off and die. That way, TS's English would improve by leaps and bounds.
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yea....Originally posted by laurence82:hehe, in primary and secondary they always suggest using mindmap
i find them not useful for me
i just let the imagination flow -
That's not all....Originally posted by rikki:If we put this composition at a larger picture. We can truely see that it has totally no conjunction with the topic itself. Why?
Working, Is'nt something they owe you. Is'nt something, You have to do. If you dont get appreciated, You are extremely tired, Thats your problem.
Why not you try putting something else, You said something regarding CCA. Why not you try putting your CCA, Instead of working?
There is no flow to the story at all
The plot jumps back and forth too much -
Mmmm, took fymk's editted copy, and did more minor grammar corrections, not that it really helped much. I'd like to remind you that if you wish to use past-tense, then don't start using present tense at the latter part of the story.Originally posted by fymk:I felt a pair of evil and angry eyes staring at me. It was that of a monster which entered my paradise. He let out a thunderous roar, which pierced my ears and started the transition of my dream into a nightmare. (wtf, lol) I was suddenly jostled awake by my classmate. My teacher was staring at me, his eyes gleaming with fury. He had caught me sleeping during his lesson again. (relate it back to the topic again)
I slept in class all because of my work in McDonald that week. As my stall didn't have enough crew, I was called back to help. Although I had a choice not to work that day, I chose to help my manager.
I was lacking sleep because I worked the night shift, from sunset till dawn. Sleep deprived, I went straight to school after work. A few teachers kindly suggested that I quit my work as it was affecting my studies. However , I had to earn my own money to pay for bills such as mobile and internet subscriptions because my family could not afford such luxuries.
At first, it was easy to balance my study with work. I had only needed to work for two days per week. However, my outlet faced shortage of crew and I had to work everyday of that week.
It was after my final exams, so my worries about my studies were forgotten for that year. Life felt horrible that week. I was so exhausted after work that I started to fall asleep without knowing it . My teacher was keeping tabs on me. Each time he saw me sleeping , he would roar at me at that opportune moment, snapping me out of my dreamland. Coffee was the only substance keeping me awake.
It was torturous battling my heavy eyelids in order to keep my bloodshot eyes open. I was only allowed a peaceful sleep of two hours each day. After that precious two hours, I had to start my work at Macdonalds. My manager was nasty. I also met unreasonable customers. I tried my hardest to keep on going.
After the third day of this torture, I couldn't take it anymore. I worked with my eyes half-closed, serving all the unreasonable customers with their unreasonable requests. I was trying my best to reach the 'sixty second each customer' target with my last bit of energy.
It was the toughest battle I ever fought in my life. It was more tiring than any physical training I ever went through. I felt very unappreciated. My workplace did not notice the efforts I had made to assist them in the time of a staff shortage. They even scolded me for being slow in my service and not paying attention to the needs of my fellow colleagues. I was not asking for much but a 'thank you' would have been nice instead of the scoldings I received.
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thx!!!Originally posted by fymk:I suggest you concentrate on your grammar and sentence structure . It's abit whacked.
Plus you are going out of topic with the first paragraph .. you need to bring it in line with your compo . It still feels abit disjointed when I read it. I agree with your teachers - quit your work. You need to concentrate on english.
I corrected as much as I could but I won't do your homework for you.
edited liao... -
i think plot is very important.Originally posted by Ito_^:plot doesn't matter one. i got as writing some stupid plot dat pisses me off every time i think about it. bt for grade, wad to do.
no matter how good the vocab and grammar; if the story is boring; it will still not get a satisfactory grade.
Satisfactory grade at least 70% of marks -
^ Teachers would be quick to say that that isn't true, but you know that they would mark differently if they read an essay that had perfect language AND a brillant story compared to one with perfect language and a crappy story.
For you, as a student, to write about something like work is quite a dumb idea. Write about something more relevant to yourself, like CCAs and project work, which you most likely know more about than work.
Teachers look for stories that are coherent and aren't full of inaccuracies that require a lot of suspension of disbelief... write something you know more about.
Oh yeah. Your language sucks. Read more.